The scene opens to reveal the backstage area of the arena. We see some members of the XWF road crew hastily preparing for this Saturday's big event; hauling cable, lighting and sections of the Shove It set back and forth. A sweaty, vacant, corpulent guy waddles into frame wearing an 'EVENT SECURITY' t-shirt. A name tag pinned across his bulging torso identifies the fat interloper as 'Gus'. Suddenly, he does a double take as a plume of thick, acrid, white smoke catches his attention as it billows in from off camera...
Gus: 'Hey, you! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Are you deaf or something?! You can't smoke that thing in here, y' hear?!'
The camera pans to the left to reveal an unknown figure propped up on a steel chair with his legs swung lazily atop an XWF branded storage case. His face is partially obscured by a pair of over sized mirrored shades and the upturned collar of his jacket. He continually puffs imperiously on an enormous cigar as he lowers his shades and fixes Gus with a venomous stare...
Unknown: 'Oh yeah? And who's gonna make me, huh? I mean, I guess you could knock my ass over with that big, wobbling sack of guts you're carrying around but you'd have to try to catch me first, Tubbs!'
Gus: (speechless) 'B-b-but... I-I-I... err... my weight problem is glandular! Besides, the size of my waist line isn't the issue here; the fact is that this is a no smoking area. if you're not prepared to stub that thing out then I will have no option but to remove you from the building!
Unknown: (smiling) 'Glandular?! FUCKING GLANDULAR?! Who the hell are you trying to kid, huh? Since when has stuffing your face every hour God sends been a goddamn glandular symptom, huh?! Oh, and I'm afraid you can't kick me out of here anyway... 'cos we're goddamn colleagues you porky chump!'
The unknown man whips off his shades and rises to his feet... and is instantly recognisable as the XWF's latest addition; Donnie Damage! A look of equal parts horror and awe spreads across Gus' face...
Gus: 'Holy shit! Mr. Damage! I had no idea it was you! I'm a big, big fan of yours...'
Donnie Damage: (interrupting) 'Yeah, you sure are a BIG fan, chunk!'
Gus: 'Sir, please; I don't want to tell you again! Now, if you'll kindly extinguish your cigar and move along then I'll say no more about it.'
A wry, knowing smile creeps across Donnie's face...
Donnie Damage: 'Sure... why not, huh?! And may I say that I think you're doing a bang-up job, Gus! Put it there, pal!'
Donnie Damage extends his hand and Gus gleefully reaches out to shake... but instead Donnie rears his head back, spits an enormous blob of saliva into Gus' open palm and stubs out his cigar in the pool of spittle with a loud sizzling sound. Gus recoils with a look of pain and disgust but Donnie grabs him by the collar of his shirt and drags him upright so they are face to face...
Donnie Damage: 'Now, listen up you fat sack of crap! NOBODY disrespect Donnie Damage like that! And NOBODY tells Donnie Damage what he can and can't do... EVER! So, go tell all the boys in the back that when I'm in the building the no smoking rule can be relaxed!'
He releases his grip and Gus slumps to the floor in a frightened, quivering mess. He scurries off camera as Donnie Damage stares directly down the lens to address the viewers...
Donnie Damage: 'Is that it, huh?! Is that the XWF's idea of a goddamn welcoming committee?! Some sweaty, obese loser getting all up in my face?! HELL NO! You see, I may have been out of the spotlight for a few years... but I'm still a goddamn legend! In fact, I'm disgusted that this once glorious organisation has failed to capitalise on the excitement generated by my return. I mean, my name and face should be on every single piece of promotional material... I should be pushed right to the fucking moon and back... but instead this company would rather focus on self-harming Screamo chicks, pre-pubescent nobodies and goddam talking trash cans from Doctor fucking Who?!?! I guess the inmates are running the asylum round here...
You see, WHEN my hand is raised in victory this Saturday it really doesn't matter what I choose to rename the North Korean title... I mean, you may as well call it the Donnie Damage Memorial Championship... because the only way any of those punks will ever get that strap back from me is if they take it from my cold, dead hands! Now, I don't know exactly who I'll be facing this Saturday night but let's examine those who we already know are deluded enough to show...
Ann Thraxx; you seem to think you're pretty smart... but I'm afraid the smartest thing about you is your goddamn NAME! You might choose to doll yourself up like some cheap Elvira knock off... but I've seen scarier get ups on my goddam doorstep on Hallow-fucking-een! So, unless you want a piece of candy then you better stay the hell out of my way... because although candy will rot your teeth right out of your pretty little head... I'll KNOCK them out the first chance I get!
Bryce; young bucks like you are the future of this business... but if that's true then I guess the future looks pretty fucking bleak! I got more hair growing in my goddamn ass crack than you got on your entire puny, pasty body! You wanna face off against the legendary Donnie Damage?! Well, I suggest that you wait until you're old enough to appreciate the episode of Sesame Street where the Count reaches the number '3'.That's gonna be an important number in your career, Bryce... 'cos you're gonna hear it every single night while you stare at the ceiling as yet another XWF superstar squashes you into the canvas after yet another ass whoopin'!
Ladies... gentlemen... it doesn't matter who crosses my path this Saturday; they're all gonna get beaten down and watch a TRUE icon of this business crowned Champion! You see, I'm here to save Saturday nights from mediocrity... I'm here to carve a swathe of destruction across the entire roster... and I'm here make the XWF my own personal playground! So... you better watch your back, Jack... 'cos Donnie Damage is BACK!!!
He snarls viciously and then starts to laugh as the scene fades...
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