I can sit here and talk to you about how bad Maverick is, but I think we all know how bad he is. I mean, the dude lost his dick and balls in one match. A match against a giant shag carpet. Or, how he lost his title to Peter, like not that he did lose it, but how. The shit sandwich he ate, or the piss he drank. I mean, to insult him would be a huge waste, since his entire life is one just one massive joke. I don't even think Maverick will post a promo about this, because let's face it, Maverick. Le sigh. Ok, so instead of doing that I decided to do something fun and interesting. I decided to hire actors to recreate how I imagine life with little Maverick went down. We'll start with his birth. And go:"
We're sitting in a hospital room, there is a woman laying on a bed screaming in pain. Her husband is sitting next to her, holding her hand. She's gripping it so tightly that his hand is beginning to bleed. He looks concerned about this, but she doesn't seem to care. A doctor enters the room, and looks at them. He grabs the clipboard at the foot of her bed and scratches his chin.
"Oh, right. You're the Mavericks. You're supposed to be giving birth to a kid today or something."
The woman screams in some unintelligible language, like Maverick cuts his promos in, and the husband looks shocked.
"Push, lady. Just push it out."
She pushes and screams, and pushes, and then something comes out. It's a baby Maverick. The doctor cuts the umbilical cord, and takes the baby out of the room. The couple looks at each other.
"Look, Carla. I don't like this gig, this dude is hella weird, but he's paying me $50 grand to do this."
The woman, Carla, looks at him and her jaw drops.
"Fifty Fucking Grand? I'm getting like Three hundred fucking dollars to do this scene."
Frodo walks in through a window.
"Look, little <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif">, you're getting paid less because of the less work you have to do. He has to be around the little <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif"> a lot more than you do."
Frodo turns and walks out of the scene just as the doctor comes back in with the baby. He hands it to Carla, who looks down at the ugly little chud faced alien looking mother fucking toad. It's a normal baby, but it has Maverick's face. This causes Carla to drop the baby, and reach down to her nethers and pulls up the remaining umbilical cord. The doctor shrugs and leaves the room. She holds it, and then starts to wrap it around her neck. Robert grabs the baby from the floor. The cord tightens around her fragile neck. Her husband is looking at her dying, and looking at the baby. He sees how fucked up the kid is, and sees the future of failure in its life.
"Bitch, you're doing it wrong. Lemme do it for you. Useless cunt."
Maverick's father, Robert, drops the baby, and rushes over to behind Carla and begins to choke the life out of her. Her face begins to turn blue and her body begins to shake. The body falls still, and the EKG starts to beep. Robert backs away from the girl, and goes to sit down. The doctor and a nurse come running in, and accidentally kick the baby in the head. Don't worry people watching at home, it's Maverick. You can't make it more <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif"> . The baby is kicked into a wall, and makes a funny noise, but no one cares because it's a Maverick. They rush over and examine the body of Carla.
"She's dead, Jen. The mother died in birth. Let's blame the baby."
Robert comes over and looks at the <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif"> face baby on the floor.
"This is your fault, <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif"> baby. This is all your fault."
Baby Maverick is now a 9 year old, and it's his birthday. He's sitting on his bed like his dad told him to do while he waits for someone to love him.
He hears his dad yelling at someone on the phone in the kitchen.
He gets scared.
His daddy never yells at anyone on the phone, unless he's about to beat Maverick with a phonebook. Or one of his vibrating toys. Maverick has a lot of vibrating toys that daddy tells him he needs to hide real good at night. He told Maverick the best place to hide them would be in his butt, so no one will ever take them. So, Maverick tries to hide a different one in his butt every night. To make momma proud.
Oh god, there's pounding on the steps. He's terrified, is daddy mad? Please don't hit me, Maverick is thinking.
The stomps get louder and Maverick gets more scared. He tries to hide under the covers This doesn't work as Robert is in the door with his boot first. It flies off the hinges and slams down on the ground. Maverick whimpers like a little kid. Robert rips the sheets off of him and throws them down to the ground.
Maverick lays there on the bed, in a ball while Robert looks at him, and spits down. The glob of spit hits Maverick on the back.
"I just got a call from your school. Apparently you shit yourself in class again, boy. Do you know how gross that is? Big boys don't shit themselves. But, you know what big boys do do?"
Maverick shakes.
"They take their punishments like men."
"Daddy. It's my birthday."
"Shut the fuck up. Consider this a happy birthday, and a punishment."
Robert reaches down and grabs Maverick's pants. He tries to squirm away, but Robert gets his pants down exposing his brown stained Ninja Turtles Underoos.
"Fucking disgusting. You miserable <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif">."
"Daddy!"
Robert cuts him off with a slap to the face before he can continue. With one solid motion, little baby Maverick's underoos are off and on the floor.
"You're gonna learn to wipe right as well."
He drops his own pants and underwear and slides his cock inside the boy's ass. And Frodo drops down from the celing. While Robert is continuing to hump the boy.
"You're not getting paid to actually fuck the kid."
"What?"
Robert stops humping, pulls out and jizzes on the child actor's back.
"Wow. Really? We went there?"
Frodo looks down at the jizz on this kid's back. He then looks at Robert. And then at the jizz. He just shakes his head.
"Kid's like 23, isn't he?"
"NO! The kid is 9. We're actually using a 9 year old in this scene. Dude, you just busted a nut in a 9 year old's ass."
"Oh shit. Can we refilm this?"
"No. We don't have the budget for that. "
"Fuck. Am I going to get arrested for this?"
"Probably. Anyway, I'm leaving, keep rolling."
Frodo climbs out the window, and the scene continues. The kid goes back into character in a snap.
"You raped me, daddy."
"I'm not your dad. Hahaha. I am UN!"
Maverick looks confused and stupid, these are looks he would master as an adult, and keep wearing all the time. Cause Maverick is <img src="https://i.imgur.com/pUgtAVa.gif"> .
"Who's Un?"
Before Robert can answer, he runs over to the window, leaps out and we hear a thud. Maverick sits there laying in a pool of rape sweat, and then he does the only thing Maverick is good for. He shits himself. Robert comes running back into the room up the stairs, he's physically battered and bleeding, but trying to act like he's not.
"Did you shit yourself?"
"Un did it."
"Oh, ok."
"There you have it, the saga of Maverick's terrible life, two sections at a time. In the next installment, we'll look at Maverick's thirteenth birthday, and the time his dad died. But, don't worry viewers, he won't be getting paid since he actually began to legit fuck the kid. Although, that does mean he's going more to the role than we expected. So, I guess maybe he should get a bonus. I don't know, this isn't easy to judge. But you know what is easy to judge? How lame Maverick is. Like, I don't even have to talk shit to him, or about him. He does it for me just by existing. Frodo out."
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