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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "Savage Saturday Night" RP Board
Exposés, Atomic Bombs and Delicious, Delicious Glue (RP #1)
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NorthKoreanWarCriminal Offline
Active in XWF



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


#1
03-16-2016, 11:15 AM

GREAT MOMENTS OF TRUE KOREAN CHARITY

September 17th, 1950 - Honorable North Korean troops provide free dentistry services to hideous, gingivitis-suffering South Koreans.

[Image: zzzzNorth+Korean+Suffering+%25286%2529.jpg]

“These ropes are to hold you still, inferior yet pitiable South Korean woman. Your people's poor oral hygiene has made your gums very sensitive, hence even with our binding pre-cautions, blood is spilling from your face!”

“While my blood may be the result of gum disease and tooth decay, my tears are those of pride! Finally, I will have the flawless white teeth and immortal gums of a True Korean citizen. This is the greatest honor one of my people could ever hope to achieve given our tragic inferior homeland!”

“Honorable Courageous Commander, these tools are far too rudimentary to conduct proper orthodontic care. Leave her behind! She was doomed from birth!”

“Tools be damned! I refuse to surrender to the impacted molars and inherent halitosis of a False Korean mouth. In the name of True Korea, we must always help those less fortunate!”


********************************************************************

Black cloth, rapidly flattening and ballooning out. Black cloth in the shape of a human face. Shrouded in darkness. Struggling to breathe. Hyperventilating.

Click. A light bulb burns alive overhead. The black cloth face jerks side-to-side. A cry for help is muted by the several layers of duct tape over his mouth but under his hood. Thrashing attempts at escape are prevented the ropes tying his arms behind his back. Further wiggling and physical adjustments are stifled by a hand on each shoulder pressing him to the floor.

The chair legs tremor and shake. At first, the guard’s hands move to resist this movement. But it becomes clear these are not the calculated efforts of a warrior, but the meek mewlings of a traumatized boy in a man’s body.

“WHO ARE YOU, AMERICAN DOG?”

The face under the cloth darts left-to-right. The first time he’s heard a voice in hours… This voice however is heavily distorted and echoes from every corner of the room. Deep, twisted and booming, it invades the prisoner’s very soul.

“MMMMMFFFFFF MMMMMMFFFFFFFFFF!”

The captive tries to scream out an answer to sate this beast's voice, but the tape renders his words gibberish.

“OH YES... UM… RIGHT. REMOVE HIS TAPE.”

The hood is peeled off of the skull. A pair of squinting eyes adjusting to the dull yellow light, broken glasses, covered in dirt and tear streaks. As one of the guards shifts his hands above the shoulder, the prisoner weaves his head back and forth, trying to prevent this maneuver.

It is…

“AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

A fruitless effort. Teeth gnash and more pathetic sniveling tears stream from that face. He bends over at the waist, arms still tied behind his back, legs still tied to the chair, face lying against a cold metal tabletop.

“WHO ARE YOU, AMERICAN DOG?”

The hostage’s blurry vision fails to detect the source… However, no figure stands before him.

“…St-St-St-Steve Sayors… I’m h-”

Sayors attempts to look back at the guard, but the moment he tries, the hands thrust back to his shoulders and force his vision forward. He hisses like a frightened kitten. Had he any hydration in his body, he would urinate with fear.

“WHAT IS YOUR BUSINESS, STEVE SAYORS?”

Even with his arms tied, Sayors reflexively moves to shield his face from the voice. However, his lack of physical strength prevents any perceivable force against the ropes tying his arms or the guard’s hold.

“Senior XWF Correspondent!”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SENIOR XWF CORRESPONDENT STEVE SAYORS?”


“I-I-I c-c-came to interview a... North Korean War Criminal. He’s an XWF superstar!!! I had been told to meet him at this compound for an in-depth exposé!”

"..."

“…OH! UM… SHOOT, WAS THAT IN THE CALENDAR FOR TODAY?“


“…This is the day I had arranged with his publicist.”

“DISHONEST AMERICAN SWINE. ON YOUR PRE-ARRANGED SCHEDULING PHONE CALL, THE PUBLICIST DEEMED WEDNESDAY WOULD BE THE PERFECT DAY FOR THIS IN-DEPTH EXPOSÉ.”


“…It is Wednesday.”

“Today is in fact Wednesday, Honorable Leader.”

The calm, deliberate voice of the guard startles Sayors, but his sentiment being echoed and supported soothes his nerve.

“…NO, NO. I’VE GOT A CALENDAR RIGHT HERE! IT’S… WAIT… UM.”

Sayors’ eyes finally adjust to catch two speakers, one in each corner of this interrogation room. On the other side of the room, a pane of glass. An obscure figure on the other side, wielding a microphone… And a voice modulator. While the man himself is difficult to see, the vibrantly-colored garish Toy ‘R Us logo on the side of the voice modulator is easily visible.

The figure darts over, just out of sight. The sounds of papers rustling and fingers tapping echoes through the interrogation room.

“LET’S SEE… TODAY’S THE… 16TH?!? GODDAMN AMERICAN DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!”

An awkward cough. A clicking of lips.

“YES OF COURSE. THIS HAS BEEN A TEST.”

“…A test?”


“… YES, A TEST OF YOUR… ABILITY TO… PASS TESTS. AND YOU HAVE PASSED... THE TEST.”

“…Okay… Good?”


“HOLD ON, I’LL BE… I MEAN, THE MASTER WILL BE THERE MOMENTARILY... TO DECIDE YOUR FATE!!!!!”

“…”


“…SO, UH… GIVE ME LIKE A MINUTE... I MEAN, GIVE THE MASTER… JUST… FUCK!”

The figure disappears from behind the glass, taking the microphone with him.

Silence.

And suddenly, water.

The sound of a warm shower trickles through the speakers...

********************************************************************

NKWC stands behind a podium. The North Korean flag fluttering beautifully and majestically behind him in a noble gust of wind.

The symbol of freedom and hope in these dark, American times.

NKWC raises a hand to silence the audience of his promo. The auditorium is filled to the brim, standing room only, with North Korean citizens. The moment NKWC indicates he would like to speak, they are silent.

He lowers his hand to the side of the podium and grips its sides tight with both hands.

“Allow me to open this promo by extending congratulations to Peter Gilmour.”

“Two-Time Superstar of the Month.”

NKWC applauds earnestly. The audience is silent until NKWC waves his hands up and down beckoning response, and a number of their citizenry find a polite applause to give.

Immediately, NKWC raises his hands and the crowd falls silent.

“And it only took how many years to do it? Been here since what, at least 2010? After more than 61 months within the company, you’ve managed to win… twice.”

“Peter ‘The Best in the XWF… Approximately 3% of his Total Career’ Gilmour.”

“It only took a little over six years for you to become the best that the American XWF has to offer. And all it took was all of the talented roster members leaving or retiring.”

“Impressive accomplishment, Peter.”

“To be fair, why wouldn’t you celebrate your achievement? As Superstar of the Month, you’re among a truly elite group of XWF superstars.”

“Cain (immortal vampire who last we heard was arrested for kidnapping a child and being dumb enough to film it his crime), Shane (no comment) and whatever the fuck an ‘Egyptian Snow Pharoah’ is.”

NKWC shakes his head, lifting his right hand of the podium’s to circle the side of his temple.

“In what dire straits is the American XWF when its greatest champion for an entire month (albeit the shortest month of the year) is Peter Gilmour?”

“PETER. GILMOUR.”

“The only walking punchline I know that can't walk a flight of stairs without losing his breath?”

“Peter. You idiot.”

“The NORTHKOREANWARCRIMINALWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP is not the staple by which I claim my right to the top, as you say. Nor is it the prize by which I claim value. No. It is the first pawn I take in the chess game that is the TOTAL INVASION of the XWF.”

“A total invasion carried out in the name of glorious True Korea.”

“The greatest country on the planet Earth.”

“Then again, is it? How can I possibly deny your facts, Peter? After all, you made such a cohesive argument for the greatness of the ‘US of A.’”

“How can anyone argue with… The fact that your flag’s colors are red, white and blue?”

“Or that… You dropped the first atomic bomb, killing 146,000 innocent civilians.”

“Actually that happened in Hiroshima. What the fuck are you talking about Okinawa for?”

“Okinawa was a series of battles in which America got its asses kicked so hard (~82,000 American casualties to ~77,166 dead Japanese) that it decided ‘Fuck honor’ and JUST DROPPED AN ATOMIC BOMB ON A HUNDRED THOUSAND CIVILLIANS.”

“TWICE!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I must have made a mistake above. After all, Peter. You are a Real American. One that Fight for the rights of every man (who isn’t in your people’s way, even tangentially.)”

“How can that be right when 'Every war, America wins.'”

“Like Korea, which ended in a stalemate and only a quickly scribbled armistice prevented our Chinese allies, led by True Koreans of course, from driving your troops all the way into the Yellow Sea.”

“Like Vietnam, where your government withdrew its troops after getting its asses kicked. Communist governments seized the land held by the lazy, corrupt Democratic South Vietnamese. And today? A Socialist One-Party State.”

“Big Victory. U-S-A!”

“Like your Wars in the Middle East. You must be winning those, considering how often you have to send troops back there. ISIS! Surely only a sign of your greatest American victory yet.”

“Peter. I must apologize. This doesn’t feel fair.”

“How could one assume you have any knowledge of American History considering you haven’t quite moved past Arts & Crafts.”

“It’s so hard to pass that class when you lose a full letter grade every time you start eating glue.”

“It’s hard not to ‘leave a child behind’ when he’s devoured so much paste, he’s glued himself to the table.”

“Then again, who could fairly hold ‘excessive eating’ against you, Peter, when it’s the only thing Americans are best at anymore.”

“In True Korea, ‘excessive eating’ isn’t a problem. There’s so much food and drink that consumption has become blasé. That’swhy you never see people eating in photographs of North Korea. We all try to pretend we don’t eat. How did Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il managed to go his entire life without once defecating? He only ate when no cool kids were around to judge him.” Look It Up, True (Korean) Believers!

“I can’t even argue past that, Peter. Those are the only three things you said about America: flag colors, atomic bombing, ‘we win all wars’.”

“I’d have more content to actually analyze and refute if you had just chanted U-S-A for the entirety of your promo.”

“But, you did omit a few things that I feel it necessary to cover from a North Korean perspective.”

“You omitted the facts that America consumes 98.5 times as much oil, wastes 17 times the electricity, and possesses 887 times as many nuclear warheads as the DPNK does.”

“And every day your talking heads from your corrupt news anchors spew more toxic bile demonizes the honorable hard-working North Korean people. Every day more of your citizenry demands the people of North Korea be put to death by nuclear holocaust because of a war between governments.”

“It will no longer be tolerated.”

“The True Korean people shall rise. Every avenue of American life and competition shall be taken and dominated by True Koreans, to effectively demonstrate True Korea's superiority.”

“That war would be fruitless for your weak, obese people.”

“And this first contest, a Flag Match, with two worthless Americans opposite me and one slightly-less-worthless American at my side.”

“Will begin a North Korean reign that shall spread over all that is the XWF.”

“Glory to King Madison, for opening the door that The North Korean people will blow off its hinges and storm through forever.”

“Glory to Comrade Maverick, who upon our victory may be named an honorary True Korean citizen...maybe.”

The feed ends as the audience wildly applauds. NKWC waves his arms behind the podium, humbled by his people's support.

“Glory to True Korea.”
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