Nico sits near his fireplace, glass of brandy in one hand, smartphone in the other. He looks up from his phone for a brief moment to look into the camera.

Hello, XWF Galaxy! Welcome to the first episode of Nico's Hellfire Roast! On this show, I take a look at the bullshittery that occurs within the XWF and give my take on it. This week, Cain has decided to return for the fuckteenth time, and as per usual, he has some edgy shit to dole out to the locker room. Let's try to enjoy it!

Cain Said:A happy family reunion is taking place on one of the first nice days of the year since this hellacious Winter began

Nico is smiling, but the smile is more confused and concerned than it is amused.

W-why are you watching a family reunion? Where are you? Is this what you do with your time?

Cain Said:I have never hated the human race more than I do now, having grown close to one of their kind only to be betrayed by another of their kind. Their kind. Not mine, because I have always been above them in my immortality.

"I'm Cain Arkham! I'm immortal and I have legions of worshippers! Pity Me!"

Fuck right the fuck off.

Cain Said:Why is this young boy not scared? Does he think he is brave like the Red Dino Ranger on his t-shirt? Or John Cena whom he got that crappy haircut because of? Little idiot. He's playing with fire. Hellfire, nonetheless, as I felt the rage at this human burn within my soul.

Really? You're pissed off at a little kid for being a little kid? That's edgy as shit, man. Also, is it really necessary to emphasize Hellfire? Like, yes, the name of this show is "Hellfire Roast," but that's because it makes sense as a name. You're using it against some random little shit who wanted to tell you about dinosaurs and the color blue. Good job, dickwipe.

Cain Said:The blade is so shiny...so clean. Too ....

...clean.

Nico starts whistling the theme song to Dexter.

Cain Said:Flipping my beautiful blade, "Sarah", in my hand I stormed up behind the mother.

Doesn't exactly fit Harry's Code, but whatever.

Cain Said:Every human who accosted me would fall by my blade, and as their warm blood splashed my skin, the Mark began to burn.

Accosted? Cain, you're the one who was creeping on this family's party. If anyone in this scenario deserves to be accosted, its you. Apparently common sense doesn't apply to "The Last Son of Eden." Not like he had any to begin with.

That concludes this week's episode of Nico's Hellfire Roast. Tune in next week as I delve into even more bullshit from my XWF coworkers. Ciao!

Overall Record: 2-8-1.

1x Federweight Champion.

Shitlist: Izzy Ravenwolf, Nate Higgers.

“We have never heard the devil's side of the story, God wrote all the book.”
― Anatole France