Robbie Bourbon, number one contender to the Hart Championship, is ready to hear the news of his next match.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS, PETER GILMOUR SUCKS DICK FOR TIC-TACS

To see a replay of Warfare from January thirteenth.

Wednesday Night Warfare Said:Morbid gets to his feet, grabs Peter and devastates him with a Got est Tot. Peter goes down hard, and Dan helps lift him back up to a sitting position, while Morbid rips his necklace of and places it by his crotch, and begins to ram it down Peter's throat. Peter begins to gag, and Morbid grabs the back of Peter's head, forcing it down his throat hard and fast, as if Peter was honestly blowing him. When Peter is about to vomit, Morbid pulls away and Dan throws the bucket under Peter's mouth. Vomit pours from his mouth like water at Niagara Falls. When he's finished Morbid takes the bucket from Dan and dumps it on Peter's head.

Damn, stud, I never said you were any good at it, but...

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for warm water. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for bus fare. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for charity. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for balloon animals. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for midgets. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for shorts on a cigarette. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for Seal. Not the animal, the singer, he sucks dick, not Seal's dick, but he sucks dick for Seal to notice him. Like a kiss from a rose, Peter Gilmour sucks dick. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for paper weights. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for dry cleaning. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for whatever reason you can come up with, whether he says he likes Tic-Tacs or not, and you know why?

Peter Gilmour sucks dick.

We see Robbie sitting in his office at his desk. Amjetkun Socio and Alexis Riot are sitting on his couch. Amjetkun pulls a tube out of his pocket that says "STEROIDS". He points the cap at his mouth and squeezes the tube like one would get toothpaste, shooting the cap into his mouth as steroids squirt into his mouth. Instantly, his arms get enormous. Alexis, not being amused with Amjetkun's show of eating steroids to get strong, picks up a potted plant and prepares to throw it at Socio.

Woah! Woah, woah, woah, put that down. We're off the clock here, save it for business hours. Now, thank you both for coming to get an explanation of why Peter Gilmour sucks dick for Tic-Tacs, guys.

Socio and Riot leave. As they do, Maria Brink walks in. Robbie looks confusedly at her.

Um, hello, I...

Robbie, I'm here to set a record straight.

Well, that's great and all, I have no fucking clue what you mean, I'm fighting your husband for the Hart Championship in London soon, I thought you were at his mansion with him...

I left my double with him.

You have a double?

Yes, 40 squirrels holding a fleshlight and a set of rubber boobs.

Really?

Peter can never tell the difference. Watch, in his next promo, you'll see if you pay attention, whenever he talks to "me", ogles my body, or talks about fucking me, he's really interacting with 40 squirrels holding a fleshlight and a set of rubber boobs.

That's fascinating. How did you get 40 squirrels to do that?

Teehee, you don't want to know sweetie, because I sucked their dicks.

Wow, that's, shit, fucked up. Why did you do that?

I was busy teaching Peter Gilmour to suck dick for concert tickets. Every squirrel dick I sucked, I was demonstrating to Peter different methods to get what you want by sucking dick. I wanted a body double, so I sucked 40 squirrel dicks to have one. Now I do, Robbie. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for kazoo music. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for extra dessert at Thanksgiving. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for giggles. Teehee. And I taught him.

Well, that's pretty fucking disgusting, Maria.

That's not all, Robbie.

That's not? You mean...

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for fish food.

Gasp. So, why the fuck are you here?

Robbie, I'm here to set a record straight. My current record of dicks sucked in one day is 47. Well, Robbie, I'm at 47 for the day, and since you're the most beloved, most admired man in the XWF, I want to suck your dick to set a new personal record for dicks sucked.

Jesus!

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for Jesus.

Are you sure, Maria? Are you sure you're not 40 squirrels with a fleshlight and a set of rubber boobs?

I'm dead sure, Robbie. Who do you think is the brains in me and Peter's marriage? Peter? Peter Gilmour sucks dick because it's easier than long division.

So you want to suck my cock?

Yes, Robbie. I want to treat the head of your dick like a yo-yo with my tongue pulling the string.

That's... intriguing.

Robbie rubs his chin, looking considerate of the situation.

Are you sure?

Yes, Robbie. I know Peter brought up your losses to Austin Fernando and Luca.

Yeah, and?

Well, Peter brought up your losses to Austin Fernando and Luca.

I know, but your point is? I lost to those guys. I admit it. I'm not ashamed. Peter Gilmour isn't those guys. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for food stamps.

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for the love of having a junkie's nut hairs mingle with his scruffy, ugly beard.

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for the way semen tainted with crack cocaine use tastes on top of a dick that hasn't been washed in weeks.

Peter Gilmour sucks dick for a bite of someone's gyro.

See, when Peter Gilmour wants to call himself a fighting champion while lying through his teeth, well, I can let that slide. Everybody and their mother in the XWF and watching at home knows that Peter Gilmour ducks challenges. If you want to say I got lucky when I beat your ass so bad you've blocked out what happened, and then tell me that I earned losses to Luca and Fernando, which makes no god damned sense because Luca was beating your ass and pinning your partner when I supposedly got slaughtered by Fern, I can let that slide. Where do you get your news anyway? Yeah, it's some special kind of providence when Robbie Bourbon wins, but it's always a tough, deserved loss for Robbie Bourbon. Well, if that's the story around the campfire, let people be pissed when I win and try to rub it in my face when I lose instead of getting ready for my next match. When you bring up the notion of me, Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, throwing you off of the O2 Arena, well, I can let that slide. You honestly think I need to throw you off the arena to beat you? I can break you over my fucking knee, I can pull your lower lip over your scalp and make you fucking swallow, I can strangle you until your eyes bulge out of their sockets and your nose bleeds from too much pressure on your brain. I can Robbiebomb your silly ass through the roof of the O2 arena, stud. When you want to call me out for being fat, well, I can let that slide. How I look doesn't fucking matter, this isn't a god damned beauty pageant, it's a bloodbath on a rooftop. That doesn't mean I'm not fit to compete, that doesn't mean my heart doesn't thump or my lungs won't pull breath like they're supposed to when they're supposed to, and that doesn't mean I'm not the better god damned athlete when we face off. When you want to proclaim yourself as the greatest Hart Champion of all time, I can let that slide. You pinned a fucking monkey spank of a shitboy in Maverick, the biggest disgrace in this company's history. That little fucktard dingleberry was the worst Hart Champion of all time. Just because you're the fucking sloppy sumbitch that he ran into first doesn't make you great. Thing is, Peter, I can let a lot of what you say and do slide, take it in stride, and just live with it. I've beaten your ass. I sodomized you with a fucking minigun barrel and pinned your ass while you cried, literally fucking cried in the ring. The one thing I can not abide is you claiming you do not suck dick.

We've all seen it. Your wife confirms it. Peter Gilmour sucks dick for anything, everything, why not.

I don't care what he says, Peter Gilmour sucks dick for Tic-Tacs.

Okay, Maria, thank you.

Can I suck your dick now, Robbie?

Robbie strokes his beard contemplatively.