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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » XWF Snow Job 2016
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Dropping Beats
Author Message
Prof. Bobby Bourbon Offline
Mad Scientist



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
01-25-2016, 07:43 AM



The Black Hand recently visited the Smithsonian. This trip, unlike most pleasant visits experienced yearly, was to break in and use the Hope Diamond to summon the ghost of Bob Hope and a ton of USO showgirls to deal with the veteran zombie menace. It was then revealed that Bob Hope intended to bring the whole of the nation's capital into the sky. Along the way, we saw an almost human side to Pest.

How's the monster in Robbie doing?

DROPPING BEATS

We open to see Robbie, Pest, and Morbid standing in the Hope Diamond chamber in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. Bob Hope is cackling with glee. We cut to see a view of the mass off earth holding the District of Columbia begins to float. In doing so, bridges collapse, Metro trains shoot out of tunnels in the city's foundation, and debris, people, and cars all plunge into the Maryland countryside and the Potomac River. We cut back to see the Black Hand looking very distraught.

Damnit.

Pest: Robert, now would be a very good time for a plan.

"This is fucked!"

Morbid pulls out his sword and slashes at Bob Hope.

Woah, easy big fella, I already shaved this morning.

Robbie has a belly laugh as Pest rolls his eyes.

"Robbie, you got us all stuck on a rock headed to space! JEW!"

What? That's not even an insult, c'mon.

Pest: Robert, I am greatly regretting not just killing you before when I had you kidnapped.

Damn. Well, fuck. That's harsh, dude.

Pest: Harsh? Robert, you had better find a way to get us off of this problem you created.

I, I need to think.

Robbie leaves the Chamber. We follow to see him wander off into the more historical exhibits dealing with species of earth over the millenia. He looks at the early fossils of the first types of plants to grow on earth, and continues to walk, occasionally looking at a random extinct animal for more than a moment. He stops, however, when he gets to the exhibit of an early human funeral. The pieces in the display, depicting an adult male and female with child putting the corpse of an elderly person, curled into the fetal position, into a hole in the ground. Pest walks up behind him.

Pest: Robert, we do not have time to waste.

How far have we come?

Pest looks curiously at Robbie. Robbie motions his hand towards the display of the caveman funeral.

Are we any better than these guys were?

Pest: Those are mannequins, Robert.

You know what I mean. Are we really any better off today than our ancestors were? They didn't need some fancy stool for your toilet, they just squatted because they didn't have toilets. They didn't need special plates for the microwave, because they didn't have microwaves. They didn't need half of the shit we all say we need today. They were stronger, more cunning, and better prepared for their world mentally than most of the poor schlubs out there today.

Pest has lit a cigarette.

Pest: Robert, are you finished?

Dude, I want to hear from you. What the fuck is your notion of the human race?

Pest blows a puff of smoke up in the air. He points the barrel of his Flamethroya model flamethrower at the fancy mannequins in the display and unleashes flame to them.

Pest: I am alive, they are not. I will stay alive.

Jesus, those are expensive! Hand carved, hand painted!

Pest: Robert, now is not the time for existential debate, or more pondering of what it means to be a person. You are in a situation that requires your attention, and if you wish to survive, no, overcome the situation, you will need to focus. Do not think about this too hard, that is not why I wanted you. That is not why I contacted you months ago, telling you that you were the "Golden Goose". Just go out there and beat the situation to smithereens like the superman I expect you to be!

Robbie looks at Pest, who tosses the butt of his finished cigarette into the burning pile of mannequin, getting burning mannequin all over it. Robbie smirks. He starts to walk back to the Hope Diamond room.

You brought me along to smash things? Is that just it? You brought me along to just bash things like a chimp? You brought a god damned crate of TNT to a knife fight, stud.

I'm going to destroy our competition. I'm going to take Luca, and bend him in half, backwards, like a fucking action figure. Then I'm going to grab his legs and turn him over, and just start smashing his skull into a fucking cage wall until it breaks wide open, and then until Luca breaks wide open, spilling blood so tainted with cocaine that El Chapo's men will come around to mop it up and sell it on the god damned streets. Luca, I want you to do more blow than you've ever thought possible. I want you to put more Colombian white up your fucking nostrils than Vinnie Lane could handle in a decade. I want to see your drug addled gleeful eyes as I renovate your fucking spinal column, stud. You got the swag, you got the party habits, you sure know how to pick on a guy, but the only thing saving you from the world of fucking hurt you're looking forward to is a preemptive overdose.

Then I'm going to take Austin Fernando, and I'm going to dislocate his arms. His whole arms. I'm going to twist them so he whacks off his sphincter and wipes his dick. Then I'm going to take him and use him as a battering ram to open the door to the cage wall. This little shit is going to experience the thorough shitkicking one gets when one enters a cage with Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, and then some. Once I free myself from the room, and if you've ever been locked in a cage with me you know how small that room gets, I'm going to continue to swing Austin's limp body repeatedly into the floor, into the announce table, into the ring stairs, into the corner posts, into powder. Careful, Austin, Luca might try to do a rail of you, but hey, see it as one last time inside him.

Then, I'm going to take fucking Dim and just dislocate his jaw. His whole jaw. I'm going to look at the goofy way his eyes turn when the sick dull pops near his earlobes make his mouth go slack and his tongue dangle. Then I'm going to rip that fucking tongue out of his mouth and shove it up Austin Fernando's ass so fast he'll be able to taste what Austin had for fucking lunch. This dumb son of a bitch, plays big man varsity, likes to lift? I'ma lift the side of the cage I don't outright fuck up and leave it to sit on Dim's peanut sized fucking head, climb up top, and hop up and down on that motherfucker until grape jelly squirts out of his nose and ears. I would say brains, but fuck, this is Dim, and that's grape fucking jelly up there in his head.

Then, that's when I get my hands on Peter Fucking Gilmour. Last year's model. The asshole of assholes that everybody says I'm an advanced version of. A three day old plate of macaroni salad is a more advanced version of Peter Gilmour. A shit filled condom is a more advanced version of Peter Gilmour. Hell, most of the XWF viewers are advanced versions of Peter Gilmour, and I say most and not all because Peter Gilmour watches the XWF. Peter says he wants to kill me again. That stupid motherfucker couldn't kill the lights without the Clapper. Peter, you fucking failed before, and the reason you failed to kill me before is the same you'll fail again. Not because you didn't say your prayers, take your vitamins, fuck Maria's filthy, yellow secretion creating crotch, laugh sadistically, or even digress. No. You will fail to kill Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon because I am the baddest motherfucker wrecking on Wednesday nights. You will fail to kill Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon because I am the man the people deserve, and I can not die until I am finished giving to the people what they deserve. And they deserve to see me throw Peter's chunky ass down off the cell onto the pile of bodies with Luca, Austin, and Dim.

That's when I tear down the house like a wrecking ball, and I wouldn't say I'm going to fly so much as plummet from the top of the cage onto all four of you. I'm not coming down like tears from heaven, I am coming with the impact and devastation of a full on gigaton mass extinction event. Then, then the Black Hand walks out as Tag Team Champions of the XWF, Tag Team Champions of the World, the reigning, defending, Heavyweight Tag Team Champions of the fucking Universe.


Robbie marches into the Hope Diamond chamber and smashes open the glass column. He reaches in and grabs the Hope Diamond. Morbid is steadily trying to stab the ghost of Bob Hope to no avail.

I wish my wife touched me like that.

Robbie snickers and looks at the ghost of Bob Hope.

Look, motherfucker, you make me laugh, but you're fucking up my city. So, go away now.

Sorry, Robbie, I can't do that.

Fine.

Robbie takes the Hope Diamond and swallows it. The ghost of Bob Hope screams in agony, then fades away.

"I got it!"

Oh man, I'm going to regret passing that later.

The room starts to shake as the whole of Washington, DC, goes from rising to falling. We hear a loud crash as it lands. Robbie, Pest, and Morbid run out of the museum.

"Look at all the destruction!"

Destruction abounds. Buildings are toppling, the Washington Monument has fallen over, smoke billows out of the Capitol. Robbie looks down the mall towards the Lincoln Memorial, which is barely standing.

Wait, where's the river?

Pest: Just south of here.

I know it's just south of here.

Robbie points at the Lincoln Memorial, and which just past it should be a river, then Virginia. Instead, just past it is FedEx Field in Maryland.

That's FedEx Field. Shit, we put it on backwards.

[Image: DtUCPfZ.png]
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