~Act I~

PUSH!

BREATHE!

PUSH!

BREATHE!

The doctor said those things. I wonder if I said those things…way back when…

---

I don’t think I did, actually. This never happened in my line of work. I’m not even really sure why I needed a doctorate. Was I even a real doctor? Did it matter? I know, or at least I’m pretty sure, I had a doctorate for something. The past is hard to recall. I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast two days ago.

“Waffles.”

“Thanks.”

I forgot he…she could do that. Even during this fit of excruciating pain she took the time to read my mind like she did the second time we met a little over a year ago. Life was a confusing mess back then, and then with the recent news, well let’s just say a lot has changed in my 10 months away from the ring...

“Excuse me, Mr. Renbrittlesnipe?”

No.

“Maven?”

No.

The fingertips flicked at my shoulder. I pretended not to feel them. I knew it was someone from my childhood. The childhood I thought I left behind. The name that was never mine. I didn’t need to turn. I was now face to face with my worst nightmare. His eyes were as blue as the pool my father drowned in. His skin as black as the Sudan that ran down my mother. His palms as white as the phallus that raped my sister. His blood as red as the blank evil soul I once worshipped…the one that worshipped God and Satan.

“Maven! It’s me Tommy! Don’t you remember me?”

“My name is Guppy.”

“You don’t look like a Guppy though. That’s obviously not the name you were born with.”

“You look like a Dave to me. That doesn’t mean you’re not Tommy.”

Tommy's eyes widened and his skin turned pale. His mouth just opened and these words seemed to just fall out like a sack of boiled mushrooms dropping into the hands of hungry and frightened children.

“You got me. That was a fake name.”

His expression shifted to one of anger as he stomped his foot on the ground.

“Curses! Foiled again!”

“Now if you’ll excuse me Dave, my wife is trying to give birth in here. I’m going to let her squeeze my hand and stuff.”

Dave watched her push and breathe for a moment. I’m sure he could feel the tension and the stress. He smiled, maybe he liked to see her in pain.

“Why is she wearing a mask?” he asked with a snort.

“I think it’s because she’s Tri Bute under the mask.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.”

“Alright, I won’t judge.”

Dave shrugged and walked back out from where he came, and then he peeked his head back in.

“One more thing, Maven, the Renbrittlesnipe Fortune will be mine. I will break you and I will have my reward. Just you wait. I will stalk every rainbow for your pot of gold.”

"Bye Dave!"

He was gone.

It was no use to keep my mind on him. Stevella needed me. She needed my support.

“He’s not ready to come out yet, Guppy.”

“Oh, never mind then,” I scratched my head, “Then why was he telling you to push and breathe?”

“We were just practicing.”

“Right.”

--


I opened the door.

“Guppy! Take a seat,” said Dr. Salp without looking up from his book, “How are you feeling?”

I sat.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re late. Any particular reason why?”

“My wife is about nine months pregnant, and she thought she was going into labor. Today wasn't the day.”

“Congratulations.”

He looked up as his eyes tried to meet mine. Then he made the face everyone else makes when they see me for the first time. One of disgust. One of shock. One of amusement. One of confusion.

“Isn’t it a little early for Halloween, Guppy?”

I didn’t know why I still had it on. I didn’t even remember putting it on that morning.

“Why are you wearing this costume?”

“I don’t know. I guess I forgot to take it off for a few days, or weeks.”

“Well that can’t be true. You’d smell really bad if that was the case, right?”

“I’m wearing deodorant I think.”

“Do you like wearing this costume, Guppy? Does it make you feel safe? Does it make you feel powerful?”

“I feel like I’m wearing clothes. I mean, I don’t feel naked.”

“And that’s good? You want to wear clothes?”

“I do. I like being clothed.”

“So there isn’t anything special about this particular garment? It’s just something you put on to not be naked anymore?”

“Well there’s more to it than that.”

“Why did Bruce Wayne wear it? Sorry, I don’t know much about Batman. I never saw the movies or anything.”

“Who is Bruce Wayne?”

“He’s Batman, right?”

“No, I’m Batman.”

“I see…” Dr. Salp stood up, “Can I get you anything? Water? Te-,”

“A juice box please.”

“Sure,” Dr. Salp opened a drawer and fished something out.



It wasn’t cold. It wasn’t Hi-C, but it did the job. I sipped it while Dr. Salp poured himself a glass of water.

“Guppy, when did you become Batman?”

“In July last year. The day ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’’s Ben Affleck died.”

“What do you mean? Ben Affleck is alive and well. He’s probably in Hollywood shooting the new movie where he fights Superman.”

“No, he got eaten by a pizza...A supreme with pineapple pizza.”

“In July? Last year?”

“Yes, I was there! I watched him die! I saw it with my own eyes! With his dying breath he said that I was the new Batman and he wanted me to fight Superman next year in that movie!”

Dr. Salp started typing something on his keyboard. Then he turned his monitor towards me. I didn’t know doctors had computers. Did I have a computer? His forthright finger slid across the mouse-wheel with an impending diligence, then he shook his head.

“That’s not what it says on Wikipedia. If Ben Affleck was dead someone would have changed his page to say so, right Guppy?”

“Well...I didn’t check his Wikipedia page. I wasn’t really sure if he even had one. Stevil didn’t have one and he’s one of the most famous directors of all time!”

“Are you sure you saw Ben Affleck die? Where did it happen?”

“In a cave. I followed a missing pizza to a cave, then it ended up being a giant evil pizza. It was about to eat me, then he saved my life with his battarang. I think it was in one of my promos.”

“Interesting, and who is this Stevil? Do you think he directed anything I’ve seen?”

“He made a movie where I pooped in his mouth.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen that one.”

“He said it’s his best work and that there was no doubt that I had the artistic high ground going into that wrestling match.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. If he was alive he’d probably tell you.”

“Did he get killed by pizza too?”

“No, he had Ebola. It took the form of an angry chinchilla in his stomach and it ate his insides then killed everyone in a three-mile radius of the hospital.”

“That doesn’t sound like a side effect of Ebola, but let’s look up this incident. If everyone in a three-mile radius died from this then someone must have reported on it. What city did this happen in?”

Dr. Salp readied his fingers at the keyboard.

“Gotham City.”

Then he un-readied them.

“That’s not a real place.”

“It’s not?”

“No, that’s a fictional place. I think Stan Lee made it up.”

I was just there though. I lived there. I fought crime there. It wasn’t true. It all felt so real.

But it wasn’t. Nothing was real.

“Ben Affleck is alive. Gotham is a made up city. This famous director friend of yours is imaginary...you aren’t really Batman. It's a nice costume though!”

“H-,”

BEEP! BEEP!

Dr. Salp looked at his watch, “Guppy that’s all the time we have for today. I’m sorry it was on the short side, but you were late.”

Guppy didn’t say anything.

“Before our next session I want you to think long and hard about your life. If you come up with anything that feels unnatural, weird, or unrealistic then it’s possible that experience was a figment of your imagination.”

Guppy stood and walked towards the door.

“You have to do that for me, we can work on this,” he called, “We could even have this all cleared up by Sunday just in time for your big fight!”

Guppy looked to his left then he looked to his right. If this wasn't Gotham then where the fuck was he? How did he get here? He started off in a direction and kept walking. Eventually he'd recognize something. He was sure of it.

Guppy fin.

16-4
XWF Top 50 of All-Time (#22 on 2015 and 2017 editions, #26 on 2021 edition)
1x RTX/Ruler of the Road to Extreme Xtreme WORLD Champion
2x Trio Tag Champion (1x as Tri Bute /w Ms. Diaz, Ms. Snow Pharaoh, and Mr. Supernova) (1x /w Benito Angelo and Jervis Cottonbelly)
1x Ark of The Covenant Champion
Winner of Gaybe Lincoln's XWF Tag Team Tournament /w Scully
Leader of the PAT-RO-oL's Anti-Rapist Division



Universal Champions Defeated
Vinnie Lane
Peter Gilmour (x2)
Azrael Erebus
Sebastian Duke
Eli James IV
Jim Caedus
Trax
Chris Chaos
Robbie Bourbon
The Engineer


Shoutout to Graves for the banner