Robbie Bourbon, the man of the people, is going to war.

MY DEFIANCE OF

We open to see Robbie still in the driver's seat of his van, Through the windshield, we see the grouping of a traffic jam sitting in front of him. He rolls his eyes, then rubs them.

Honey, you might want to see this.

What?

Well, Bobby Charles cut a promo...

So? That guy's a hack and a has been, why do I gotta...

Just watch.

Robbie pulls out his smartphone and plays Bobby Charles's last promo. He chuckles a few times. When it finishes, he puts his phone back in his pocket.

So, that's the gameplan Bob? To get at me by having the middle school video club shoot a fake promo with me in it? What's the matter, your team is so shitty that you couldn't convince a kid to act or dress like one of you? I mean, c'mon, you're just exploiting that poor boy for no real good reason, and he doesn't seem like the biggest winner, so having him come forward and proclaim that Bobby Zi, or Bobby Charles, or whatever the hell you're going to call yourself the next time you speak, is his hero certainly isn't going to help him with his status around school. You know, Bobby, at first it was guilt by association with a neo-Nazi like Morbid that was going to get your ass beat come Sunday, but now, if you're going to toy around with some kid and a monkey, then insist it's hugely funny, well, you're just the sick sumbitch that the people want to see Robbie Bourbon absolutely pulverize. Granted, imitation is the highest form of flattery, but really, this was pathetic. Say, you want to hear a really funny joke?

Oh Jesus...

You know it. So, America, are you all ready for a real joke? One that's legit funny?

Robbie clears his throat.

Little Johnny loved clowns. Absolutely loved clowns. All little boys have their obsessions, I liked Ghostbusters as a kid, I'm guessing Bobby liked What's Eating Gilbert Grape and had DiCaprio posters all over the place from how you sound, but little Johnny loved clowns. He had clown everything. Clown sheets, clown posters, a clown lamp, even clown trim around the ceiling of his bedroom. He'd only been trick or treating twice, and each year he'd been a clown, and he was dead set on being a clown next Halloween too. His family knew he loved clowns. One day, Johnny was out with his dad at the store and they saw a poster saying that the circus was coming to town. Johnny lit up, knowing that when the circus came to town, it always brought along some clowns for him to watch. So he begged his dad to take him to the circus.

"Maybe, son, maybe."

So Johnny went home, and immediately ran up to his mother and asked if he could go to the circus.

"Maybe, son, maybe."

So he asked his grandparents, his aunts, his uncles, his older brother, his older sister, his cousins; everybody. Finally, once the family had had enough, his father conceded and told him he'd get them tickets to the circus. Johnny was jumping for joy, the happiest little fellow he could be. He bragged to all his friends he was going to the circus, then he bragged to his brothers and sisters and cousins, then the rest of his family, then the mailman, people in public; everybody.

Everybody?

Everybody! So, the day the circus actually gets into town comes, and Johnny wants to watch the parade as it rolls in. He and his dad go and they watch. They see the big trucks roll in with the tents, the horse trucks, the big elephant trucks, a marching band, and finally a clown car with clowns driving while clowns danced around outside of it as it made it's way to the grounds where the circus would set up. Johnny squealed when he saw the car, and started jumping up and down in his place while his dad just smiled. Johnny didn't sleep at all that night, instead running around telling everybody how he saw clown, all the way through breakfast, when he finally crashed out and got some sleep.

Poor little guy...

So the day of the circus rolls around, and Johnny is more than ready to go. He and his dad go to the fairgrounds where it set up. First, they see the midway and all the games. On the left is that goofy gimmick thing where you throw a baseball at milk bottles and have to knock them over, and all the prizes are huge, and larger than life versions of cartoon characters. On the right is a place where you can throw darts at posters and whatever you hit you win. Further on the left is a game where you toss a ping pong ball into a fish bowl and win one of the pretty, shiny goldfish that live there. Further on the right is a game where you have to toss some rings around a bottle to win one of a dazzling array of prizes. Johnny didn't care about any of this. So they keep walking and pass some rides that have been set up. On the left is a tiny little roller-coaster that's just Johnny's size. On the right is a little Ferris Wheel which is just Johnny's size. Further up on the left is a bonafide Tilt-A-Whirl, glorious and frightening to Johnny. Further up on the right are bumper cars, with awesome loud music playing as people crashed here and there. Johnny could care less about any of this.

What did he care about?

Well, he cared about those clowns! Johnny and his dad made it to the entrance of the tent and handed over their tickets. Johnny's dad yawned as they walked into the near empty tent and he and Johnny got the best seats in the house, dead center and focused on the middle ring of the three ring show, hours before the circus is set to begin. Johnny spent the hours asking his dad all manner of clown trivia; specifically whether rainbow wigs were cool, how big was too big when it came to shoes, honking noses versus squeaking noses, everything. So the tent fills up, slowly but surely, and eventually it's packed to capacity as the show is set to begin. The ringmaster makes his way to the middle of the center ring and starts welcomes everybody to the show. The first act to come out are the lion tamers, which Johnny could care less about. Following this were the women on horse back, the tightrope walker, the man on the flying trapese, and the motorcycles in the sphere of death, and the elephants. Johnny could care less about this. Finally, in the middle of the center ring a tiny clown car pulls up and a flood of clowns hop out all doing clown shit. Jumping, tumbling, running around, juggling, throwing pies, making merry. Johnny is eating it up with a God damned spoon. He's screaming and pointing at the action, calling it out like he was the Jim Ross of clowns. Finally, a clown steps out of the clown car holding a microphone. He puts it to his lips and speaks.

"For this next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience!"

Before anyone can be selected, before a single hand is raised, Johnny is up and out of his seat, bolting down the stairs to the middle of the center ring as a spotlight gets him. The clown with the microphone is taken aback, shocked at the little boy who's volunteered himself. Johnny scrambles into the middle ring as the crowd chuckles at the boy.

"Wow, you must be eager, these people know you son?"

"No, but I love clowns!"

"You love clowns! Well, what's your name?"

"Johnny!"

"Well, Johnny, are you a horse?"

"No!"

"Are you a donkey?"

"No!"

"Then you must be a jackass!"

The crowd roars with laughter as Johnny sheepishly looks around, a huge grin stuck on his face as he struggles to grasp what exactly has just happened. He waves and makes his way back up to his seat where his dad is waiting. The rest of the circus ends, and they go home, sporadically people calling out to Johnny as he and his dad got back to the car.

"Hey Jackass!"

Johnny laughs nervously each time, not really sure of why people would be calling him that, or what it even means. The next day at school, a few kids who also went to the circus start calling him "jackass". The day after that, everybody in the school is calling him that. On the third day, even the gym teacher at his elementary school slips and calls him "jackass". That day, after he got off the school bus, he ran into his room with tears streaming from his eyes. He's been heartbroken, the one thing in the world that he loved, that he cherished, clowns, had fired back at him and made him feel small, and bad. He started tearing down his clown posters, smashed his clown lamp, and threw his clown sheets off of his bed. His mother was concerned, asking what was wrong. His father told her the details, and Johnny's mother tried to console Johnny. She told him that it was okay, and that it'd pass. Johnny snapped back at her.

"I HATE CLOWNS!"

The family was confused by this sudden turn, but assented in getting him a new decor. The taunts at school kept on, and his nickname officially became "jackass". So Johnny the Jackass went through school, being made fun of every day, hearing the mean words from anybody who had an axe to grind. Some kids even introduced Johnny as the guy you could make fun of and get away with it in some twisted bullying conspiracy that carried through to middle school. By then, though, Johnny had been hearing taunts and jokes and cracks from everybody, and he got pretty good at handling it. He was showing he had a quick wit, sharpened by years of being the class "jackass". Verbal cut-downs and any other demoralizing statements made towards him had a habit of being flipped, and twisted back on whomever decided Johnny needed to be reminded he was called a "jackass" by a clown in front of the whole town. He started studying theater, and improv, and was actually quite good at it. In high school he was the lead role in a few school plays, and everybody knew that Johnny was the official class clown, the guy you could go to for a laugh or a joke, because he'd heard them all.

Do you have any examples?

Examples of what?

Of those great witticisms and quips of Johnny's.

Nope, Johnny was way funnier than I am. He was so funny that he went to art school, and blew away everybody with how fluid he was while performing. He was tearing up his crowds, and started actually doing stand-up. He started getting a ton of momentum and soon he was known as the funniest guy in the school. Then he goes to Second City, where he shines super bright. Then he starts doing his stand-up nationally, and appearing here and there in movies, and he gets a spot as a cast member on Saturday Night Live. He's getting bigger and better roles here and there, where he's making millions of dollars a movie. He gets a spot on a sitcom, then he gets his own sitcom, and soon he's doing his stand-up for cable specials, and is appearing on all kinds of talk shows, and he's blowing up and becoming known the greatest comedian in the world, bigger than people like Ricky Gervais, or Louie C. K. He's making millions of dollars for every movie he makes! He's on TMZ at least twice a week. He's huge.

Like the deficit?

Bigger! So, one day, Johnny visits home.

No way.

Way! Johnny decides to go home and see his family. Well, he gets sent out for an errand, because nobody is too big to go get milk, eggs, and butter for their mom, so he puts on a thick beanie and sunglasses so as not to be noticed. While he's at the store, he sees a poster that says the circus is coming to town. This peaks his interest. So Johnny goes and watches the circus parade roll into town. He sees the big trucks roll in with the tents, the horse trucks, the big elephant trucks, a marching band, and finally a clown car with clowns driving while clowns danced around outside of it as it made it's way to the grounds where the circus would set up. His eyes narrowed at the sight of the clown car.

Did he squint?

No, silly, he had sunglasses on. Anyway, he went and bought a ticket and waited until the last day the circus would be in town. Still incognito, he made his way to the fairgrounds. First, he sees the midway and all the games. On the left is that goofy gimmick thing where you throw a baseball at milk bottles and have to knock them over, and the person running it looked like a poster-child for Meth addiction, even more so than Vinnie Lane. On the right is a place where you can throw darts at posters and whatever you hit you win, but all the posters are these horrible and goofy looking pastiche things, like Bobby Zi. Further on the left is a game where you toss a ping pong ball into a fish bowl and win one of the sad, dying, browned goldfish that live in the murky water there. Further on the right is a game where you have to toss some rings around a bottle to win a cheaply made prize that was practically guaranteed to break after thirty minutes in a human's hands. Johnny didn't care about any of this.

Of course he didn't.

Right. Next, he passed some rides. On the left is a tiny little roller-coaster that looks like a rusted death trap for children. On the right is a little Ferris Wheel which is sad looking as one bored child rides it. Further up on the left is a bonafide Tilt-A-Whirl, reeking of vomit with another creepy carnie manning the controls. Further up on the right are bumper cars, with only one measly car working as a sad looking fat kid rides around in circles. Johnny could care less about any of this.

So he made his way to the tent?

Yep, straight to the circus tent. He handed the taker his ticket and took a seat, dead center in the middle of the tent, facing the center ring. He sat with his knit cap and sunglasses on, staying incognito as the tent filled with people ready to watch the circus. Finally, after a few hours, the tent was full and the ringmaster makes his way to the middle of the center ring and starts welcomes everybody to the show. The first act to come out are the lion tamers, which Johnny could care less about. Following this were the women on horse back, the tightrope walker, the man on the flying trapese, and the motorcycles in the sphere of death, and the elephants. Johnny could care less about this. Finally, in the middle of the center ring a tiny clown car pulls up and a flood of clowns hop out all doing clown shit. Jumping, tumbling, running around, juggling, throwing pies, making merry. Johnny's lips purse as he waits. Finally, an elderly clown steps out of the clown car with the aide of a cane, holding a microphone. He puts it to his lips and speaks.

"For this next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience!"

Suddenly, Johnny throws off his hat and sunglasses and he stands up and starts to march down to the middle of the center ring. The crowd around him is stunned at first; here's Johnny, the world's greatest comedian, and the hometown boy, here to lighten up the whole town with a visit to the circus. The place starts to go ballistic as a spotlight shines on him. The old clown looks up at him and chuckles. Johnny walks into the center ring like he was the Second Coming, and approaches the old clown. The old clown adjusts his glasses and looks Johnny up and down.

"Wow, you must be eager, these people know you son?"

Johnny goes steely as he looks at the old clown.

"I guess so."

"Well, son, what's your name?"

"Johnny."

"So, Johnny, are you a horse?"

"No."

"Are you a donkey?"

"No."

"Then you must be a jackass!"

With that, Johnny grabs the Microphone.

"Fuck you, clown."

Robbie starts to smirk. Blue sighs.

That's not a joke.

Makes me laugh.

That's because you make people listen to your long winded story, twice.

Heh, yeah I do.

How does this apply to Bobby Zi?

Well, from one point of view, Bobby's little Johnny, coming up to underwhelm at the key moment. From another, he's the clown, just rehashing some tired shtick, but you know what I think is most appropriate?

What?

He's a jackass, so fuck him.