Are you infected with the same disease
Of lust, gluttony and greed?
Then watch the ones
With the biggest smiles
The idle jabbers...’cos they're the backstabbers
10/04/13 The Honky-Tonk Hotel Restaurant
A familiar guitar riff can be heard echoing in the background, as various mock-Elvis riffs play on loop. We’re in a theme hotel, but the photos that adorn the wall are certainly not of Elvis, rather of one Wayne Ferris, also known as the Honky Tonk man. Ahh, we are truly in modern Memphis. Well, a ‘mock-90’s harping on the glory of the 60’s and 70’s modern Memphis’ Memphis at least. Through all the garish gimmick guitars, sequins and Wayne Ferris mug shots on the walls, we somehow manage to catch a glimpse of three people entering the room, and seemingly the only three people in the room.
They are, namely, Wayne Ferris himself, Neonero, and Norris Cole, Nero’s Personal Assistant. They take seat around a large table, which has so many seats and places it’s presumably set for a family bigger than the Waltons. Ferris looks towards the camera, and a little jingle plays, Ferris grins, and presumably we are set for whatever the heck this is.
Hey y’all and welcome to the finest establishment in all of Tennessee, the only place where the Cola bottles still rattle’n’roll, the only place in all of America that offers you double-quadruple cheeseburgers for the price of a double, welcome to the Honky Tonk hotel! This is another exclusive interview for Wayne Ferris dot com, I’m here with a guy I think most of y’all know by now, he’s the XWF European champion, Neonero.
Ferris shakes Nero’s hand, and Nero nods back at him.
Nero, let’s get straight in here with a key question now before I turn it over to questions from the web-stream. An’ fer those of you who are watching this back after we record, where the hell were ya? Nero, we’ve seen in recent weeks that dastardly Paul Heyman (Ferris spits into a spittoon) has been ridin’ ya like one of the mustangs on ole Farmer Corny’s ranch out there. What set that off and how have you managed to remain so damn calm with him?
Nero shuffles forwards, taking a sip of a tall latte before talking. He recoils at the taste; someone has filled it with about 10 spoonfuls of sugar.
Well, this goes back some ways, I don’t know how much your viewers – how many people are watching, actually?
We got two or three on the live stream, maybe a few thousand on the old wireless devices.
Nero pauses a moment, wondering whether Ferris meant wireless internet or wireless radio, then he decides its just probably better not to ask.
I see, I see. As I was saying, this began in February. I’d been carrying this strap here for a few weeks, with no request to defend it coming my way. In fact, I hadn’t even been booked.
Booked? Man you guys are all breaking the Kayfabe nowadays. Sorry, do go on.
Yeah, well. Long story short, Heyman had me thinking I wasn’t booked another week, so I was staying at home. Then I get a call saying I am booked after all, against Jeff Hardy, and my title’s on the line. Before I can even react to the news, literally hours after the card is revealed, I get shot in the neck with some kind of muscle stimulant. I’m then wheeled to the show like I’m Hannibal Lecter, and get propped in the corner as Jeff Hardy climbs the ladder and takes, I must add, a replica belt.
Nero shuffles forwards a little.
After that, I’m not prepared to divulge my whereabouts, until I came to returning. I basically came back, knocked out Jeffrey, dropped some scrote called JP Corino on his head, and made Heyman count the 3. Now Heyman at this point is completely dumbfounded. Why is Nero making Hardy win? But this was made clear pretty quickly, as I forced his hand into giving me my rematch. A match at Gauntlet City, in which I took Mr. Hardy to Hell and back, humbled his sorry carcass, and took back my title ‘officially’.
Nero smirks.
Clearly, this is not something Heyman liked. So he had the grand idea of booking me in a match with Ursula Areano and some guy called Neil, with Hardy as guest ref. I assumed the intention all along here was that Hardy would surely screw me over, and sure enough, throughout the show, Heyman tried to make people believe that I wasn’t actually employed anymore, never mind the fact that he had just booked me in a Pay Per View match for his show’s top title just a few days before. Needless to say, the facts came out. I was clearly contracted, and his ‘win or lose your job’ clause went flying out the window, I’d say it flew far away, but it still flew far short of how far his credibility has flown away.
Ferris is now accompanying each of Nero’s little points with a few blows into the tops of empty glasses, which creates an odd harmony.
At any rate, Hardy is sadly for Heyman not the kind of guy who can be manipulated so easily. He basically told Heyman to shove it up his arse unless Heyman produced a rematch for him, a rematch which is contractually not allowed.
Not allowed?
Oh, that’s right. I have this little clause in my contract that says ‘GG NORE’. Good game, no rematch. If I beat you, that’s it.
Can’t be good for buyrates.
Not my problem.
Touché.
We are a little surprised that Ferris comes out with a term like ‘touche’, but we don't let it trouble us.
So then, you retained your title?
I did indeed. And now I get to face a guy who didn’t even earn a title shot, he has it solely because his assistant waved her money makers in Heyman’s face. And the great part about that, is that in giving this guy, John Samuels, a shot at me, he in turn fucks a guy called Crimson Cobra in the ass, because that guy has had a title shot in his contract for at least a month. Heyman’s people management is second to none.
Did you say John Samuels?
I did.
As in, THE John Samuels? The Senator?
Alas, yes.
Alas nothing baby!
Ferris’s use of Baby puts him in that grey area between Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart.
That guy should be president! He espouses all of the beliefs I hold dear to my heart. The only thing I’ve never heard him come out and talk about is the death penalty. In my opinion that should apply to all steers, queers and coloured folk.
Are you aware where rock and roll emanated from culturally, Wayne?
From the soles of these ole blue suede shoes baby!
Ahh, okay. A no would have sufficed, Wayne. Do you have more questions?
Nah I’m gonna turn this over to my chat room, I cant be putting over an Asian against the Senator.
Ferris scans his screen for a moment, presumably struggling with the written word, his lifelong enemy.
Okay here’s one. What did you think of John Samuels’s recent promo?
Ah, good question. I had occasion to catch his promo earlier today. I must say I had two impressions. The first was surprise, the second disappointment.
Nero clears his throat.
Let’s start with the surprise. I was surprised that a Senator would be quite so sophomoric and xenophobic in his public speaking. I mean, perhaps that endears him to the ‘deep south’, but he will surely alienate himself from 90% of America – ok, I’m being generous – 65% of America with that kind of language, maturity and idiocy. I would love to say those phrases and idiosyncrasies were thrown out in an attempt to get inside my head, make me angry, unfocused, off my game. Mind games and all that. But, sadly, that is clearly not what occurred. The sad truth is that this guy is as simple minded as he comes across. I could sit here and parody him but it would be useless, he simply wouldn't understand what was happening. Hell he’d probably try and create a 5636536th state just for me and mine, he's that naïve. Actually I take that back. Naïve is not the right word, because it implies he should know better. The truth is he knows nothing, nothing except his country slice of American pie. No inkling of the world around him. No inkling that there are other states, probably. For a guy from Washington, he’s very backwater. He goes by the credo that anything contradicting what he believes is Liberal.
Nero chuckles, shaking his head.
Here lies the disappointment. Not once in my last promo did I mention my own political affiliations, if they exist at all. I never discouraged what I taught the children. Nor did I espouse it. Nor was much of it anything to do with liberalism, unless you are including the fact that I mentioned subjugation of races, and Samuels assumed that I was disagreeing with such a notion. The truth is I never cast any kind of comment on this, meaning Samuels has gone into defensive mode through wholly unnecessary stimuli. His rhetoric went right to the only thing he knows, that being his anti-liberal attitude, despite the fact it was wholly irrelevant.
Nero sighs.
I’m disappointed, because last week I got the impression this guy was someone. But between his sophomoric attitude and his complete lack of political nouse, all I am feeling now is disappointment. I felt like I would have someone to test me verbally, and all I have is a clown.
Boy you’re lucky I don't get out of my chair...
Or what? Or you’ll brag about how long you held an irrelevant title? Let me know how that goes for you while I’m shoving a fork in your ear and shoving it in a toaster.
Eeeshh...
That’s what I thought. Next question?
Ferris composes himself a little, and turns back to the screen.
Oh here’s a good one. How are you going to feel when an American holds the European Title again?
Aha...I don't know, when’s that happening? Seriously though. I know a lot of people are new viewers, so let me just explain something. When I was beating everyone last year, I was doing it without the slightest scent of gold. By my own choice. See, it took me a long time to get into this whole ‘need for a trinket’ thing. The reason I have this belt now? It’s not for the glory of being ‘European champion’, whatever the Hell that would mean.
Nero pauses, thoughtfully.
A name like that is as meaningful as ‘US Title’ or ‘King’. King especially, I mean, really, do you see me taking that seriously? Wearing a crown and calling yourself the King, even locals here gave that shtick up a few decades ago. The King title is basically just the ‘pat on the back’ title for whoever’s in vogue with management. It may seem that I am vilified on Madness, but that’s purely because Heyman hasn’t found his own little band of no marks to put over. Heyman is secretly just dying to find a guy who’ll wrap the Euro title around his waist and bum him on the mic week on week. Unfortunately, he’s not yet created anything as mercurial as Shane has, nor become nearly as powerful, so he’s not earned that kind of blind acolyte yet.
Nero chuckles.
The fact it’s Maddy Madison massaging his ring each week with his tongue really is no surprise to me. The only surprise to me is that Maddy goes around saying he pinned everybody whilst keeping a straight face. Next question?
You were eliminated in one shot in the Gauntlet, why did you not seek reprisal against Jeff Hardy later in the night?
Ahh, mysteries, dontcha love them? The reason I didn’t attack Jeff is simple...Jeff is not on my level. Jeff was throwing his toys out of the pram, who am I to criticise his pre-pubescent brain? Ask yourself, how much does a freaking painting shot to the head really take out of a man? I was damn near laughing out the corner of my mouth as I lay there. As laughable as the idea the Gauntlet numbers were actually random.
Ferris chimes in gleefully.
Then, you flat out lost to Mister Mystery?
I don't know, is that what you saw? I know I certainly wasn’t pinned by Maddy. Shame.
Next question...did you expect Ursula to take you so close?
I...wha...huh...well, you have to let people at home believe there’s an air of competitive spirit. If I’d just gone all guns I’d have squashed her in no time. And forgetting the fans, where's the fun in that for me? You people think Cappy was the first person to ever enjoy his time in a ring, good or bad? There’ve been underground dungeons and latex for simpletons like him for millennia.
Why did Ursula stop trying to be you in her last promo?
Haha, because I called her on the fact she’d copied me all week...and still had nothing interesting to say. She is a ball of inconsistency. She really thought she could talk non-stop all week and people would think she’d done something exceptional. She really thought it would make no odds that what she was saying was the same thing a hundred times with different words. And her last promo? I don't even know what you’d call that. She was clearly pissed off that I’d called her on her bullshit, and suddenly had to validate herself. And what a job she did. Aha.
Why don't you have more to say about The Senator?
Listen, most weeks I will have a lot to say. Lost of weeks, I will go all guns blazing. But this week, I’ve been offered nothing of substance. Even the one mouthful that Cappy regurgitated was more meaningful than what this guy had to say. He wasn’t making a promo, he was recreating happy hour at the Hicksville comedy club. This guy’s more inane than me, and the sad part is, he isn’t even being deliberately inane. And I don't really think it’s fair of me to criticise those who are mentally challenged, now is it?
Mentally...oh boy. Ohhhh boy. You’re in for a whuppin’ baby.
Said ma Ferris to her 50 something son. Look, I was clearly expecting a little decorum here, but I made the mistake of accepting the offer from a poor man’s Elvis impersonator who can’t even play the gee-tarr. On which note, there’s something I should have mentioned when I came in the door.
Oh yeah, what's that?
I’m a Johnny Cash guy.
Nero gets to his feet, and Norris scampers to hold the door for him. He takes one look back at Ferris, who is weeping silently into his own sleeves, shakes his head in disgust, and leaves.
We fade
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has, nor become nearly as powerful, so he’s not earned that kind of blind acolyte yet. 
