04-08-2015, 10:35 PM
"Loverboy" - Countdown to Extinction. -->
Four days left, Mastermind, Four days…
I keep hearing rumblings from the back, mostly from professional cumcatchers like Maverick and John Madison, that say that Mastermind is going to be overcoming the odds and walking out of Madness as the HART Champion. They say that this is his time. They say that he’s even the favorite to win.
I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, dude, but those people are wrong.
There’s a litany of reasons to why it won’t happen, man, and if I had all day I’d break it down for each and every one of you people out there, but I’m a busy guy. I’ve got fans to meet, dreams to bring to life, and championships to win.
So let’s stick with the basics. The first being that “Evil Mastermind,†just like “Regular Boring Mastermind,†still just sits in a chair, twiddling his thumbs, and talking out of his ass as if it were going out of style.
Seriously, dude – just wearing a little extra eye liner, putting some more Just For Men in your receding hairline, and growing a little bit more pubic peach fuzz on your chin doesn’t make you any scarier. Speaking in a spookier tone of voice doesn’t freak me out. You go on and on about how I need to worry and watch my ass, like I’m in fifth grade and you’re the schoolyard bully. You’re not a monster in my closet, Mastermind, you’re just a middle aged man who’s still IN the closet.
I do like that you seem still mentally with it enough to realize that, yes, it IS in fact your same broken down body that will be in the ring with me as it always has been before. Whatever new attitude you think you’ve adopted is adorable and all, but it isn’t going to do a damn thing five minutes into the match when you start sucking wind and trying to keep up with me. Your Asylum buddies and your “evil†persona aren’t going to help you inside ten tons of twisted steel, dude. They won’t keep your flesh from ripping open, or your bones from breaking. They won’t climb a ladder for you, either.
You had to go and bring up War Games, didn’t you?
Here’s the thing. I’m over it. Did it bother me at the time? Of course it did, dude. And of course you just shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Of course you did. Why do you think we had such differing reactions to that humiliating loss, dude? Let me try and explain it to you.
I’m a star. I’m a megastar, a shooting star, burning bright across the sky, going nowhere but up, man. I’m a hero to the masses. I’m someone for kids to look up to, for men to idolize and for women to fantasize. Me LOSING on a stage as big as War Games? That’s a big deal. Take a look for yourself, man, Loverboy always turns it up to eleven for the big show. Relentless. Turning Point. Lethal Lottery. What do those pay per views all have in common, man? They have me with my hand held high, earning accolades you’ve never even had the balls to dream of.
Then there’s War Games. What was the difference there, huh? What was such an insurmountable failure that the biggest star the XWF has ever seen, alongside a fantastic talent like Gator, wasn’t able to overcome?
It was you.
The so-called ‘captain’ of our team, but the only thing you captained was a sinking ship straight to the bottom. You failed us all that day, Mastermind, and you left us all with blemishes on our record against guys like Pest and Frodo, two dudes I’ve beaten on my own multiple times. We lost to motherfucking SCULLY, Mastermind. SCULLY.
So yeah, dude, it took me a while to get the taste of that shit out of my mouth, man. It should have. I was let down, not by my performance, of course, but by YOU. I was let down by the guy who was supposed to be the glue keeping us all together. But of course, that was the mistake that I made in the first place, isn’t it? Trusting you to be able to lead. You’re nothing more than a follower, as evidenced by your sudden need to swing off of Doc D’Ville’s nuts like a fucking trapeze artist in the world’s most homoerotic circus.
Fuck, Mastermind, you just shrugged that loss off and went on with your day because losing is WHAT YOU DO. All those big matches I mentioned a few minutes ago? Every one of them was a show you lost at. Whether it was getting beat by Gilmour for the Heavy Metalweight Championship at Relentless, or losing to Gator at Turning Point, or losing to Mr. XWF at Leap of Faith, or Sebastian Duke at Lethal Lottery… losing the big one is what Mastermind is known for, dude. Why should you care?
For you to sit there and act like you can take even an ounce of credit for any success I’ve had is a bigger joke than your win/loss record. I overcame my setbacks, dude. I got back on the horse and started from scratch after I lost the Trios Titles to the Kings. You may have noticed a pattern there. I went on right away to beat Frodo, probably the biggest singles feud I’ve had to contend with in my career. I put together the Underground, as a LEADER, and I showed that I can take a team to success by driving Miranda Tigris off of Madness.
I won my number one contender’s status against strong opposition. And then? I did what you’ve never been able to do, and definitely will not be doing this Monday. I went into a match as a challenger, and came out of it a champion. I outlasted 34 others, dude, including you, to earn this HART Championship. I did it while also maintaining the two longest Federweight Championship reigns in XWF history. Hell, just today I won another defense for that title. I don’t see you stepping up and trying to take that one from me, so which one of us is the little boy now, huh? Step up or step out. Even Cain had the guts to stand face to face with me, and he gave me a hell of a fight. More than you will, that’s a guarantee.
See Mastermind… I’ve faced down demons. I’ve gone against legends and monsters and icons and come out on top. You? You’re just a man. Not a legend. Not a monster. Not an icon. The ONLY thing you’ve ever managed to be is the worst X-Treme Champion of all time.
Look at the title history, Mastermind. Look at it and tell me again that I’ve never held that belt. Who the fuck do you think Evertrust took it from in the first place, dude? You even tried to pin me for it right after I won it… how the hell can you sit there and say I’ve never been the champion? It took a wizard using illegal tactics to get that belt out of my hands, Mastermind… what did it take to get it out of yours? Frodo’s pussy-ass brother? But go ahead and tell yourself that you were a fighting champion for winning matches against people nobody has ever lost to, or your own fucking chair.
I’m jealous of you… what a ridiculous thing for you to say, man. Look at me. Look at my face. My body. My career. My woman. My championships. Look at me and tell me I’ve ever been jealous of anyone in my life. Especially a guy like you. My legacy is spreading all over the world of professional wrestling, dude, expanding like a galaxy… the only thing expanding on you is your waistline. Go take a few more laps around the mall, old man, try and get in some sort of shape before you’re locked in that cage with me and I embarrass you in front of the world.
This is where it gets funny. Funny but also kind of sad.
Mastermind… you’re trying to run your mouth and talk shit about me not challenging the Doc for his title. Yeah, I’ve been the top contender since Turning Point, and yeah, I haven’t had my title match yet. But dude… you may have noticed I’ve been busy. I was in the Lethal Lottery tournament until the quarter finals, until the XWF brass got CorVus to throw the match and take off from the company, probably riding off into the sunset with a fat payday from the Firm for his efforts in making Peter Gilmour look like a winner.
The fact is, you sat on your ass on a free title shot of your choice and you never even TRIED to go for the Uni. You could have. I’ve already made my challenge to Doc for the next pay per view, which he accepted, and which will be the pinnacle of my career. Another big win for Loverboy, another big show, another big match… who will you be losing to that time around, dude?
And you actually think “beating me†to a Star of the Month award is something to hold over my head? You think it’s something that keeps me awake at night, dude? Trust me, man, I fall asleep like a baby every single night, exhausted after kicking ass in the ring and then going home to plow the hottest chick on the planet. Nothing keeps me up at night. Certainly not ‘star of the month.’ Shit, dude, you sound like Austin Fernando.
Take a look for yourself anyway, man. It’s me that’s up there now. I’m all over the XWF website. I’m all over the promos and the posters. And I won this month’s award UNANIMOUSLY. I should have won it last month too, and I’ll be winning it next time around as well – back to back, something that has NEVER happened before. So tell me again how I should be disappointed in my ‘star of the month’ status. It won’t make any more sense the second time you say it, dude.
As for your shitty finishing move… I mean, come on. I’m “Loverboy†Vinnie Lane. I don’t quit. I don’t tap out. I’ve had one instance of a submission in my career, dude, and that was only in a two out of three falls match with Morbid Angel – the guy who will almost certainly be wiping the mat with your carcass next Warfare, by the way – and it only happened so I could quickly move on to the next phase of the match. That’s called being smart, dude. I’ve fought bigger, better, and smarter men than you, man, and you think you’re going to be the guy that gets Loverboy to quit? Please. If you even manage to get that hold on me, man, I’ll just break out and drop you on your head before you even know what’s going on. And by the way… you can’t win a ladder match by submission. That’s just a friendly FYI, dude. I’m nothing if not a generous man.
Bring it on, Mastermind. I’m not hiding from you. I’m right here. I’ll be right in your face come Monday night, too. Right there with two belts gleaming on my shoulders, neither of which will you ever be able to take from me.
You can enjoy this week for what it is, dude. You’re getting the attention. The spotlight. You’re getting to bask in the glory that comes along with being in the ring with a megastar. I shine so bright you’ll probably get a tan, dude.
But after this week, dude? After the theatrics and the countdowns and the thrill of the chase? You just go back to being you. Losing and not caring, because it’s what you do… and I’ll go back to winning and climbing the ladder of success, getting higher and higher until I block out the sun. Because THAT is what I do.
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