Brucette Blingsteen
Don't do drugs...without me.
XWF FanBase:
Teens, some men, few kids
(cheered BECAUSE they break rules and bones)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Sun Mar 29 2015
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04-05-2015, 06:57 AM
“Heroes…†He muttered to himself.
“They just ain’t what they used to be.â€
This realization was accompanied by a bow of the head and a deep, frustrated groan.
He sat alone in his bedroom; The posters of comic book heroes adorned each wall, the semen-stained comforter hanging half off the bed even had the image of Spider Woman front-and-center. Was it a bit childish for a man of his age to still worship his comic book heros? Possibly. But this wasn’t a room for anyone else, this was his room, his sanctuary.
His Batcave.
But even for this metaphorical cave, it was dark. He sat there with his head hung low, peering at his most valued possession: Action Comics No. 1. The very first appearance of Superman, the granddaddy of ‘em all. This small collection of stories was literally worth millions of dollars, but to him it was priceless. It was the beginning of the world’s fascination with superheroes, sure, but it was after these men and women that he structured his own moral code after. It would be easy for him to grow up as a spoiled, bratty, rich kid and everyone would simply blame his wealthy upbringing, but he would be having none of that. From a young age, he wanted to be just like the heroes that he read about. He wanted to save the damsel in distress. He wanted to stop the evil villain from taking over the world. He wanted stories written about him. He wanted posters on kids’ walls. He wanted the comforter keeping his loyal followers warm at night that caught the occasional post-shower, accidental cumshot to have his face smiling back at them, almost as if to say â€Fear not, civilian, even the good guys don’t get it all into the sock everytime.†And then give a reassuring wink, to comfort them in their semen mishap. It is a comforter, after all.
But he was always under the assumption that to become a hero, he would need some kind of superpower, super intellect or cool collection of gadgets. For all the things he grew up with, he didn’t possess anything so awe-inspiring. He had a Segway and a pet turtle. To have that method of transportation and sidekick would make him an ever more pathetic hero than Aquaman, something most would consider impossible. So he went about his life like the rest of the world, struggling with the constant stress of being young and rich. He was perfectly content going about his life as an average civilian, reading about these icons in the comic panels and watching them kick ass on movie screens. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked for him and he was happy.
And then ‘Hero’ Xtreme 7.9’s manager opened his stupid fucking mouth.
“Hero...†He said to himself, still kneeling over his prized comic.
His eyes were shut and his head was bowed. An obvious sign of distress. His chest heaved as he struggled to gather himself. ‘Hero’ Xtreme was anything but, as evidenced by the piss-poor company that he keeps. He was no God, lightning bolts or not. Not a God, not a hero. Bruce knew he was squaring up with exactly what he hated most: A fucking fake. There were many things in this world that Bruce couldn’t stand: Not enough sauerkraut on his reuben, Ryan Gosling’s sideburns, and Thai food just to name a few. But the one thing he absolutely couldn’t stand was a fucking phony, something that his opponent at Wednesday night Warfare absolutely reeked of. A true hero would never let a mentally  degenerate run amok on city streets. He’d take him to a place where they could teach him to be a somewhat functional piece of society and assign him a menial job where he could stay away from the rest of the actual members of society.
“NOCMM shouldn’t be the mouthpiece for that fraud. At best he should be creeping people out with his weirdly shaped head and scrunchy eyes while he’s refilling the plates at the Pizza Hut buffet.â€
He didn’t have any actual problem with the mentally challenged, there are just some people that are inherently difficult to look at.
Bruce removes the comic in front of his face from it’s protective sleeve, a cardinal sin amongst comic collectors, and holds it in his hands. He holds it up in front of his face and grips the top tightly.
“You want front and center, dipshit?†With no hesitation and a smile on his face, Bruce tears the multi-million dollar comic in half.
“Congratulations, you’ve got it. I must say, I really enjoyed the latest couple of clusterfucks that ‘Hero’ Xtreme considers promos. Really, I did. They were entertaining as all Hell. I mean, where else would you get to see someone who so obviously has never had a coherent thought in his life babble on for 2 or 3 minutes. It’s like watching a puppy try to read the dictionary: The pup has no clue what the fuck it’s doing, the viewer has no clue what the fuck its trying to do, yet somehow it all remains oddly adorable watching them try to figure it out. I’m cheering you on to figure it out, NOCMM. I know you won’t, because prominent thoughts and comprehension are just not in your future, sadly.â€
“But hey, please don’t let that stop you from making more promos. I know not many people are a fan of your promotional work, and that’s further hampered by the fact that you just can’t win any matches, but man I just can’t get enough of them. You know what my favorite part was? The part where you tucked your boss’ tail for him and started making excuses for why I’m going to win.
Quote:Maybe God will let a like you be rookie champion.
Your exact words, no? I mean if that’s not a vote of confidence I don’t know what is. You may as well just have said ‘My phony ass boss doesn’t have a nun’s chance in Hell to beat you, so can we pretend that this is all part of the plan? Pretty please?’
You’re both pretty fucking pathetic. He can’t win a match, you can’t score snatch that doesn’t smell like warm tapioca pudding. It’s kind of sad to think that I’m going to have to knock you two even further down the company totem pole, especially since you can’t really afford to drop too much further. Hell, a couple more losses and you’ll be on the streets, getting assfucked by shitty wrestler’s shitty managers while they’re making shitty promos. What a vicious, karmic circle that would be, wouldn’t it? Not that you wouldn’t deserve it, you look like the kind of halfdipped asshole that would spell ‘school’ with a ‘k.’ I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that you yourself will become just a funky-smelling prop in another wrestler’s promo, or that there’s someone out there who is even shittier than you two. Fuckin’ scary to think about that man.
“God’s gonna kill me, huh? Your sham friend should be very concerned about what’s going to happen to him once he gets his ass handed to him by one of those ‘rookies’ that you so despise. He should have plenty of time to think about it on his way down from the top of that scaffolding, I heard it’s a pretty wicked fall. Or maybe he should be thinking about those flaming tables that will be down there to ‘break’ his fall? Ouch. Either way, I’ll be the last man standing up top, throughly not killed by God, holding up that title that I’m not even sure really exists. Your ‘God’ isn’t going to let me be a rookie champion. I’m going to let him be the stepping stone that elevates me to the status of rookie champion. He’s going to play his part, you can be proud of that. And one day, probably not too far in the future, when some other wrestler’s shitty manager is licking crumbs off your back while giving you the what-for from behind, you can take solace in the fact that at least at some point in your past you played a miniscule role in the first of my many championship reigns.â€
Bruce looks down at the torn comic book unapologetically. The time for pretend heroes has come and gone. In this moment he realizes that in order to preserve the good name of the men and women he idolized, to protect it from being blasphemed by the fecal brained dolts like ‘Hero’ Xtreme, it was time for him to shed his assumptions of what a true hero was. The world was in danger of losing those that it could look to for inspiration, it needed something tangible that it could look to to assure it that it’s hopes and dreams wouldn’t go by the wayside.
It was time for a new brand of hero.
(To be continued…)
Current Universal Champion
(1x) X-Treme Champion
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