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"Money won't create success, the freedom to make it will." - Nelson Mandela.

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♫ "So stop your life on the road! All your diggin' for gold! You make me wonder! Yes I wonder! I wonder! Honey, what do you do for money! Honey, what do you do for money! Where do you get your ki- FUCK!"♫

Swerve right to avoid a pigeon, swerve left to avoid a taxi and to top it all off narrowly avoid an old lady crossing the road too slowly. I guess the music infected my brain into thinking this was all fun and games. Lives were at risk man! And money! You gotta keep cool. Tires a-screechingly I park up on the pavement. Kick open the door, only to end up falling flat on my face.




Johnathan looks like he's about to bust a gut, but he manages to keep his cool as he offers his hand to the fallen man. Cambot flies closer towards the downed dude, as if to get a closer look at who the hell he is.




"Uh..." I'm on my hands and knees panting like a bitch. "Man... mind helping me up? Shit..."




"That's what my hand is for. All that hair getting in your face?"




"Oh... Heartsford!" Yeah. Not that great of a way to prove that I will 'carry the team'. "Stand aside citizen! I have lives and money to save!" I leap to my feet and begin to melodramatically march towards the bank.




"I didn't know you were the superhero that was called to save the lives of the men and women in the bank. The cops must be too busy with other, more dangerous things if they called you in for this." The knight scoffs. "These guys must be horrible."




I turn on my heels and begin to walk backwards while conversing with Knight. "It's superDUPERhero to you. Besides, they called me as they needed a true valiant hero who can save the day. As an evil stronger than any other has taken the bank by storm, that no cop can stop by himself! Now then, let me g-" I feel the back of my head smack against a lamppost and I stumble forwards.




The knight laughs at the man's ineptitude.




"Lampposts your kryptonite, bud?"




I ignore his snidey comment. Even though it was pretty funny, but the Goat Warrior must press on! "Well, if you're in the mood for an adventure, then follow me!" I continue my march forward.The knight shrugs and follows me inside. Remembering that they have guns, his breath becomes a little more rapid. He also remembers the man in the wheelchair, and thinks just who might be in charge of this robbery. Professor X? Steven Hawking? Some idiot that grabbed his friends and wheeled them into this plan? Nevertheless, he presses on into the bank.




As we both enter, I make out the shapes of shaking hostages on the floor. There was also a dude who looked pretty hipster, I felt like I recognised him.




"Holy shit! Hey Barry! I watered your plants while you were on holiday. I also refilled the bird feeder."




"Cheers, Marcus. I'll pay you when I get back."




Suddenly a gunshot goes off into the air, most like a warning shot. Barry shits himself before curling up in a ball and I turn to knight eyebrow raised. The bullet barely misses the knight's ear. Johnathan jumps a bit but manages to stay on his own two feet.




"Fucking hell, that was close."




"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"




I whip out a nerf gun from my goat utility belt.




"Or I'll make you look uglier than TJ Wallace and dumber than Mastermind!"




Johnathan has a look on his face that screams 'are you fucking kidding me?' as he looks at the Nerf gun.




"Not even Mastermind would be stupid enough to pull out a Nerf gun. Maybe a water pistol, but not a Nerf gun. As for Wallace? His gang would probably whip out a gun and then get interrupted by their ineptitude to detect an ice cream truck driving towards them and then get flattened. "




I quickly move my head to the side as a bullet narrowly misses. "It's kid friendly. Also helps networks air my show easier." I roll forward and look around for any of the robbers. "Ah, they legged it. Well that was about as worthless as Mastermind's so called 'X-Treme' title reigns. Help me untie these people."




"Kid friendly and XWF don't really mix well. I tried that twice and I got a cease and desist order from the higher ups. Anyways, the robbers can't be too hard to follow; they left a trail of money behind heading out the back door."




I finish untying all the hostages, before shouting 'OH LOOK! I HAVE DISCOVERED A TRAIL OF MONEY!' before walking through. Johnathan follows me, keeping an eye on the hostages, receptionists, and the security cameras as we walk to the back door.




"So, don't you think it's funny how Mastermind criticises me not beating Doc when I came closer than he'll ever come?"




"It's funny how everyone seems to think of something new every time they're booked against him. I also think it's funny how he manned up and started to spout fuck every other sentence."




He chortles.




"He's like a child that just discovered the word for the first time ever. 'I'm Mastermind. Fuck my Cheerios, I want Apple Jacks!'" The knight shakes his head after laughing a bit. "He's getting defensive. He knows he lost, so he's just flinging my words back at me, like a third grader. Actually, I take that back, even third graders know when to walk away when they know they lost. This dumbass just keeps on talking and thinks what he's saying is the most original shit ever."




Suddenly we are confronted with a group of zombie people, all holding guns, all with a single spliff and black shades covering their eyes. They also had 'S.W.A.G' tattooed on their foreheads. They looked like THE biggest dickheads I have ever encountered. This is coming from a guy who specialises in taking down dickheads and has done for quite a few years. #1 on the heavyweight dickhead rankings. #1 on the fucking pound for pound dickhead rankings. #2? Mastermind and TJ Wallace are currently fighting for that position at this point in time. Who can outdo the other in looking like a complete and utter fucking idiot? But back to the other dickheads.

"Woah..."




"Citizen! Get your gun out of my face before I ram it up your ass!"




"u cant dust mug me of abot mi gun liek dat"




"Hey, look. We can sort this all out. What do you want?"




"we wnt kush an FLESH!"




The zombies drop their guns which apparently they are incapable of using. Then they launch forward and pile on top of me. I punch, kick and flail but they are far too strong. That's okay! I reach for my utility belt...




FUCK! It came off!




"Heartsford! Can you hear me?!" I scream underneath the pile of zombies.




"Loud and clear. This is pretty good entertainment."




"Grab my Goatman: ZOMBIE DRUG DEALER REPELLANT spray and spray it on them!"




"Uh, okay. Sure."




I wait a few seconds while fending off the gnashing, drooling undead teeth, before hearing the zombies start screaming and writhing in pain, rolling off my body and onto the floor. It was similar to acid how they reacted as they melted straight into a massive pool of weed and flesh on the ground. I blink, before getting back up to my feet and snatching the utility belt from Aerial Knight's hands. I point to my beard and utter the words 'My belt'. Before turning around and marching off yet again. Heartsford sighs and follows, again.




We follow the trail of money along the metal floor, which slowly changes into weed. I take some of it for evidence. After a long walk, along meaningless corridors and opening meaningless doors, we come across a big bank vault door, blown open.




"How have zombies managed to do that?"




"I have no fucking clue. If sharks could wrestle, then zombies van manage C4."




We step into the vault and it was like a fucking Tardis man. On the inside it was much, much bigger than it was on the outside. Bars of solid gold and money littered across the floor and the smell of weed was extremely strong. In a massive circle were loads of zombie drug dealers hitting bongs while chanting something.

Tush... tush... tush... Tush is gonna get dat kush... Tush invaded my moms bush...

Suddenly a massive black hole appears, all of the zombies being sucked into it, some clawing at whatever nearby solid object they could find to avoid being sucked in. Me and Knight dart behind some sort of cabinet, as we wait for the maelstrom to die down.




"Holy fucking shit!"




"What the fuck is going on!?"




Johnathan grabs the Cambot, saving it from being sucked up. Suddenly the chant stops. Goat and Heartsford cautiously look around the corner to find:









"What in God's name...?"




"How in the hell...?"




A ray of shisha pens explode from Undead tush's eyes, destroying our cover completely. We roll out the way as tush glares at us.




"You know what this means?"




"Not... not a fucking clue."




"A FUCKING BOSS BATTLE BABAY! CUE THE MUSIC!"

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Goatman and Heartsford - vs - Super Undead Tush!

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"That is the worst boss battle music in the world. Well, at least I know how Gameboy feels." Jonathan leaps to his feet and throws the Cambot up into the air. "CAMBOT!"




"Beep. Beep?"




"Take aim!"




Suddenly, the robot pulls out a small laser gun from the top of its spherical dome. It aims at the spinning man, who's currently doing nothing but glare at us.




"FIRE!"




On cue, the bot fires a laser at the spinning zombie, who is still doing nothing to prevent the onslaught. It gets taken off guard and falls on its hands and knees, still as high as a kite. He draws a bong sword from his sheath and charges at Knight, but is intercepted by me as I bombard him with headbutts and strikes from my mighty hooves!




"Aw yeah! Hey, this boss is as easy as TJ's mom!"




I climb on top of the huge version of Undead Tush and take a hit from his mega bong before repeatedly reigning down hammerfists on the giant. Cambot is still firing at the giant as Knight thinks about a strategy to take him down.




"This is crazy, but it might just work..."




Just then, Johnathan rushes toward the bong sword. I pull away from my hit and I look at Heartsford with a confused expression on my face.




"What are you doing?!" I shriek, before being thrown off of the cunt's back and onto a solid gold bar.




"I'm going after the sword!"




Johnathan tries to grab the giant bong sword out of the giant zombie's hands. It goes into a game of tug of war between him and tush.




"Uh... fuck... yeah, you do that! Shit man..." I roll off of the bar and crawl over to where the tug of war is happening. I grab onto tush's foot and it distracts him from the battle with Heartsford, sending Jonathan flying, mega bong sword in hand. Tush flicks his foot and I am sent flying again, except this time into a wall. Thankfully, the knight manages to land on his feet, where he plans his next move.




"I only get one shot at this, so I hope it works."



The knight proceeds to dash forward and takes a giant leap to tush's mouth. It's a truly epic moment as tush exhales the smoke and the hero, Heartsford explodes through it. I watch with my mouth open wide as the Cambot turns on slow motion mode. And in slow motion, we see Johnathan take aim at the giant zombie's open mouth. He looks like he wants to stab him through his mouth and out of his neck. He lets out a battle cry as this keeps going in slow mo-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!

White noise fills my fucking ears as I am both deafened and blinded at the same time. A huge white light hides the view. Knight is seen sitting down on the floor, panting. Tush and the black hole are both gone. However, what remains? A chair. A single black fucking leather chair.




The Chair of Mastermind.




It cackles, before spreading its wings and flying out of the vault screaming, "I'LL RETURN AGAIN ONE DAY!"




Well.




Er.




I look at Heartsford and he looks at me.




"Job well done?"




"Go fuck yourself."

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WILL OUR HERO WIN LETHAL LOTTERY? OF COURSE HE WILL! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER ISSUE! MASTERMIND AND TJ SUCK!

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