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**Vincent Lane**

Dedicated to the

on Team Tigris.

Guys… look, I’m not too happy about this, but it turns out I missed some of the small print in my contract for this upcoming MacClay-Tigris match and it explicitly states that I have to protect the integrity of not only the match itself, but the company as a whole. I checked with my lawyers and they said I was legally obligated to respond to the bullshit Frodo was putting out on the airwaves because it was immediately causing people to demand refunds for the show.

Fuck me, let’s just get on with it before listening to his fucking voice gives me diarrhea.

Said:See, you're trying to cast some sort of light of hypocrisy on me because I call Lane out on something that my brother does. Not me. But my brother. Because that makes sense.

Really? Because it sure seemed to makes sense to you to take credit for wins in Simon’s column just because he was using your name. Even though, really, at that point it was already a well-known fact that it wasn’t you. I guess the whole ‘it wasn’t me’ thing only matters when it’s someone talking about you though right, not the other way around? Well, here you go, Frodo: since all of a sudden wins and losses mean something to you, the guy who never cares about winning and losing, I guess if Simon winning at War Games counts as a W in your column then you have to be willing to accept the fact that you lost to Pest. Twice. Once when the dildo king barely even tried. See how stupid that is? It was a completely different person, Frodo. Not you. I could pay Steve Davids to call himself “Vinnie Lane” for a week, it wouldn’t make me the Universal Champion, would it? Fucking dipshit.

Said:Are we planning on making a new title just for the pieces of shit that lose all the time?

We already did – the Federweight. Hey, big surprise, the guy who couldn’t beat anyone in the fed with a title around their waist, but who also says winning titles doesn’t matter to him, jumps headlong into a competition designed specifically for his strengths. Yeah, dude, you totally don’t care about winning and losing. That’s totally not why you’re suddenly all reinvigorated for Monday, even when earlier in the week you were mostly quiet towards us and talking about ending it all. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you think you have a better chance of winning than you did before Harrison joined your team, or before Luca decided to wake up from his tequila-induced siesta. The only times wins and championships don’t matter to you, dude, is when they belong to somebody else.

Said:I'm more shameful to my family than you are, because I MARRIED a Transvestite?

How’s that marriage working out for you, Frodo? Your high income and winning personality not enough to keep a disgusting he-she like Sarah happy for even half a year? Wow, yeah, that’s a marriage to be proud of. You’re about one step higher than Kim Kardashian’s one-day marriage on the scale of respectable marital unions, dude. Not exactly something to be proud of or ever be bringing up when discussing the ways in which you think you’re better than someone else. By the way, if you need to borrow a toaster I’ve got you covered. You can keep it. I’d be doing the world a favor anyway.

Said:It's why I'm carrying on the Feder legacy, and you fags are carrying out a legacy of incompetence.

Were you high when you cut this promo? Carrying on the Feder legacy? You couldn’t carry Feder’s cumrag to the trash after he wiped his seed off of you and your Uncle Tom brother’s faces. Hell, let’s throw that yeasty cunt Maria Brink and her AIDS in that group, too. See, isn’t that kind of fucking weird to bring those names up even though they have nothing to do with you being in this match right now? Like bringing up Hathaway and Zeke for some weird fucking reason? Stupid, right? Very Frodo-esque. Someday, people in med school classes for brain damage and speech pathology will coin a term for persistently talking out of your own ass and it will probably be something like a Frodoian slip. But anyway, let’s get back to the hypothetical scenario in which you, Swagmire, and Maria are all on your knees with your mouths open, tongues out, getting furiously beat off onto by old man Feder. Fuck it, let’s get Simon in there too. Four of you, one of him, all getting Feder spunk tossed onto your faces and trying to catch it on your tongues like four little girls out in the yellow Michigan snow trying to catch snowflakes. Then he scrubs the jizz off of all of you with a crusty old rag and tells you to carry it to the trash, and you are physically incapable of it. Are you understanding this metaphor yet or do I need to spell it out for you? I know you’re pretty terrible at not taking things one hundred percent literally, so I’m just making sure.

Said:Ok, so now this week I've beaten Lane once.

Oh, you did? Is that how desperate for shit to say you are at this point, dude? You’re going to call a battle royal elimination a victory over me? Damn, man. I guess I should start compiling a list of all the HMW title pins I’ve made and really beef up my win column if that’s where we’re at now. I’d even have one of your heroes, Scorpio, on my list if we did that. And yeah, man, before you go and check your little bedside journal of the history and goings-on of the XWF, I never drew any attention to the Scorpio victory because I didn’t give enough of a damn to actually be awarded the title again. I just figure, shit, if we’re going to call the tiniest little moments of positive momentum ‘victories’ then I may as well go along with it, you know? What’s good for the fucked up

who somehow survived his own abortion is good for the gander, right?

Not Even Worth It Said:Do I get to do it a second time?

No.

Said:Is he going to claim that it didn't count? Because I knocked his ass out of the ring in the rumble? Became the very first Federweight Champion? Or, is he going to try and say he didn't really want it?

I don’t think I really need to point that out to anyone who was paying even the slightest attention to the Federweight match. To say that that thing is even on my radar of shit to accomplish would be an overstatement. Was I there? Yeah, barely. I didn’t even have my ring gear on, and yet you still needed to toss your diseased monkey scum into my eyes to even gain an advantage. The same motherfucker who claims it’s unfair that I hit him with a fucking snowball during a match that literally had caches of weapons hanging around the ring as part of its stipulations is going to pound his chest for managing to throw me out of a ring one time and not even being able to do it without IMMEDIATELY cheating. Good deal, Frodo, never fucking change. The sun rises in the East, the sky is blue, and Frodo Smackins is desperately trying to feel better about himself by grasping at straws.

Blah Blah Blah Said:Hell, even your boy Wallace thinks you're shit. Since I got your name on my list of people I've beaten, and he said the best on my list is gone.

What? You’re really going deep into the bullshit for this crap aren’t you? Wallace think’s I’m shit because he doesn’t necessarily think I’m the best guy to have ‘lost’ to you? That doesn’t even make a bit of sense, you fucking pipsqueak. For one thing, you haven’t beaten me. Not in an actual match that anyone cared about other than you. Who were the final four in there anyway? You, Austin Fernando, Ruben Mitchell and Shane god damn

? Wow, you really overcame the odds in that one, Frodo, you definitely deserve all the praise you keep heaping onto yourself for that one. I mean, Shane is definitely a full-time athlete and Fernando and Mitchell definitely have more than two victories between them both. Fernando wins all the time, doesn’t he? Shit, dude, you might as well say you beat Dimallisher and Doc D’Ville, too, right? I mean, Dim tossed himself out while lubing his cock up with his own tears over Gilly going over, and Doc got pulled out by the big

and Fernando a second later, but yeah, man, you totally beat them, too!

Can we move on to where Frodo inevitably starts name dropping and giving history lessons yet? Are we at that point? We are? Cool.

Is He Still Going? Really? Said:You claim to have known about the XWF for ten years, but you couldn't get the name of the fed right? You called the FXW, but you wanted to join it in 2005.

So, you think that, as a professional wrestler in 2005, I would have somehow not known about the existence of the biggest company in the business? Okay. So, if I were playing football in High School I would have no idea what the NFL is either? I mean, yeah, I couldn’t tell you everyone who was in the XWF ten years ago. Could you? Wait, please, don’t start digging through the archives again just to show that you can do something as pointless as that. It’s sad. Was Shane in charge of the XWF? No, he wasn’t. What’s your point there exactly? I’m honestly asking because I see no benefit or even the slightest semblance of anything relevant to anything in bringing that up. You’re literally just saying whatever thought flies into your achondroplastic skull at this point.

Said:Were you watching when Barney won the World Title?

Were you? Shut up then.

Said:He's jacking the whole finding his kid thing from both Luca and I.

This is perhaps one of the dumbest fucking things you’ve ever said out loud. Well done, Frodo. Bra-fucking-vo on managing to somehow top the rest of the drivel you usually spray out from between those little corn kernel teeth of yours. They said it couldn’t be done, but Frodo walked up to that mountain and looked up at the summit, then used all the determination he learned from watching his neighbor’s cat rape all the other pussies in the yard he managed to pull it off. It’s a fucking inspirational story, like Rudy. “The day that Frodo made the least amount of fucking sense possible” should go down as an official XWF work holiday and we should all get the day off. You’re a fucking goon, you know that?

What The Fuck??? Said:The thinks Lane, and the ignorant people in his promos, say would make more sense.

Can you say this again, but without the cock in your mouth? I seriously don’t know what you were trying to say.

Said:Like me pretending that I don't lose. Even though I clearly address them.

See here’s where we get to that bit I mentioned earlier about you taking everything too literal. I mean, I know your bread and butter is in the oh-so-impressive ability you have to go word for word through everything anybody’s ever said and try to poke holes in their arguments the way your crackhead mother poked holes in condoms, but even you ought to know by now what being figurative is. I mean, I’d never even met Raj the cab driver before, and he had a pretty thick accent despite his claims of being born in Miami, but even under those circumstances I understood that when he said I should be “like Frodo and pretend it didn’t happen,” he didn’t mean that you literally refused to acknowledge it happened. He meant that you didn’t let it have an effect on you, you know? Like, you just shake it off like Taylor Swift. Oh, shit, quick, before Frodo accuses me of lifting lines from his snuff film-level promos because his brother likes Taylor Swift, let’s remind him that a whole lot of people have heard of her, okay? Let’s just nip that in the bud before Frodo wastes ten minutes’ worth of oxygen accusing me of infringing on his material again. I’d wager more people have listened to Taylor Swift than have watched Human Centipede, but hey, I’m not accusing anyone of ripping me off, am I?

Where was I? Oh, right, shaking it off. Yeah man. It’s called having a short memory. Like a quarterback immediately forgetting he threw an interception and moving on with his life, or, maybe, like the entire Detroit Lions organization ignoring the fact that they haven’t won anything in 50 years. They still go out there and try, right? Those incorrigible little scamps still get on the field and think they have a shot at winning the big game, right? That’s what Raj was saying, man. Be like Frodo and don’t let little things like the knowledge that you’ll never, ever win the big one stop you from trying.

Said:Magical Ponies. Because, you're the one who can't admit you got a toy horse thrown at you and had to lay there for 12 hours while Trust took the the title from you.

So, Evertrust is just some guy then? I mean, he's listed as a wizard and a magician on his official XWF roster website, and we've all seen him do things that regular human beings simply can't do. Makes that seem kinda weird, in my opinion, but what do I know, right? I mean it's not like we had fucking aliens like [REDACTED - NO LONGER WITH COMPANY] running around here for years, it would be insane to think someone's a warlock.

Said:And you can't remember how you're the one who actually got upset because you weren't in the Main Event for the match with Cobra.

I remember it pretty damn well, actually. I wouldn’t say I was ‘upset’ about it, though. If I remember correctly, that interview was just a few minutes after you and your Asylum buddies helped screw me out of the Trios Championship. I’m pretty sure that’s what I was upset about, dude. Do I think anyone who books a card with me on it and put me lower than fucking Ghost Tank versus Lucius Fyre has possibly been huffing glue for most of his life? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, let’s take a moment from talking shit to each other here and just fucking accept the fact that I’m on a higher level than those two. Go ahead. Just say it. You and I both know it’s the truth and nobody will think any less of you for just admitting it out loud. In fact, you’ll lose way more credibility by trying to say you think those two scrubs deserve a higher billing than me or anyone else who’s ever held a championship here. Does Cobra deserve to main event? Fuck no, but I’d rather watch me kicking her ass than Ghost Tank shitting uncontrollably onto Fyre, wouldn’t you?

The simple important facts that you tried to gloss over in this dumpster fire of a promo you cut are these:

When you and I were in a ring against each other, I won. Shut the fuck up about a battle royal and listen. I won. I pinned you. For the record, if I someday toss you out of a battle royal, or anyone else for that matter, you won’t hear me going on and on about how badly I beat them either. Because that’s fucking stupid. No, when we had an actual match, the two of us one on one, which has only ever happened one single time, I won.

Also, whenever I was in the ring with LH Harrison? I won. Twice I’ve beaten him, once I pinned him, the first guy to ever do that, and once I pinned his partner while he stood back and watched. And when Harrison was on a team with me? I still stole the show, carried him on my back, and won the match for us. Ask him, he’ll tell you the same thing. And stop giving him cocaine. Jesus Christ, he can’t handle that shit, you monster.

You need more? Yes, I’ve beaten Luca. Have I pinned him? No. Has he pinned me? No. But we are still 1-1 in the ring as opponents, aren’t we? That’s better than either you or Harrison have to go on, so I guess he’s the guy you’re hanging all your little baby hopes and dreams on to come out victorious this week, huh?

In fact, and this is pretty ridiculous, even I have trouble believing it, the only guy on your team I’ve never beaten is that slack-jawed son of a bitch Maverick. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, I guess at this point I just assumed I’ve beaten him since everyone else has, but I’ve never had the pleasure. Looks like Monday I get to add a new name to that ‘list’ you were talking about.

I’m not liking your odds this week for sure, man. You’ve got four guys on your team who have never pinned me, and yet that’s how you win the match. Not looking good, dude. Maybe if you throw me over the top rope you can get another belt? Call it the Pussyweight?

Is that enough?

Thank fucking god, I felt my IQ dropping and my dick shrinking with every second I addressed that idiot. Where do I go to pick up my check and get my parking validated?

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