The night is chaos! The night is destruction! 50 foot waves rise up and crash down! The sea is a demon tonight! A malevolent monster out for the souls of anyone it can grab hold of and drag under. To toss about a boat like it's nothing but a mere toy. To shatter it's bow and splinter it's deck. Capsize the whole ship! Devour it whole and engulf all the poor creatures who dare to reside upon that boat as passengers. Pull them down to their water graves! Fill their lungs with the salty sea waters that churn and silence their screams. Yes! The sea is a wretched fiendish beast of fury tonight. Yet the sea calls my name! Aye! I be the pirate of the cruelest seas and back down to no body of water! Not pond, lake, sea or ocean can put a lick of dread into these old bones. I pull my anchor and set out to sail without a care. My navigational skills are top notch and I can encounter an unruly sea as tonight's sea seems to be and laugh a hearty laugh. That's right I laugh in the face of danger. HA HA! When the sea buckles and churns as it threatens my ship and my life I don't say a prayer. No! Prayers are for pussies! I aim straight into the chaos and laugh for I know even if the sea were to claim me tonight I lead an adventure filled life. If the sea doesn't claim me....and it usually doesn't, I know I have bested another patch of water!


Tonight the sea isn't the only thing out to get me though. No! There's a giant man eating squid lurking the depths. Gasp! It rises from the deep and slaps it's sticky tentacles across the deck of my ship! It must realize the wickedness of the sea right now makes for the perfect moment to strike! What a foul and treacherous monster it is indeed. It squeezes my ship as if to squeeze the very life from it! This sends no shiver through my bones though! I look at that squid and laugh in it's presence. HA HA! A hearty and robust laugh from the gut. You can hear it and know there is no fear in a man that laughs such as that. As I do this I rip a cutlass out and charge at the largest tentacle of this ferocious beast. My blade pierces it and from somewhere deep below I hear a scream. An impossible scream. A deafening scream. A scream that rises from the depths and shakes my ship to it's very core and foundation.


Suddenly a tentacle flies at me! I duck and dive for safety as another tentacle flies at me. I jump away and nearly miss getting squashed. Yet another tentacle flies at me and this time I hold my cutlass up high. My cutlass passes right through the tentacle and the squid instantly retracts it. Alas my cutlass is in the tentacle as this happens so I am ripped from my ship. Pulled high in the air as I cling to the handle of my cutlass for dear life. I find myself being swung through the air and I desperately pull at my cutlass. If I could get it free at least I could fall to my ship rather than be pulled into the sea. I struggle and fight with all my might and finally I rip the cutlass free! It's a short and fleeting moment of happiness and victory as I soon find myself falling. Plummeting straight down! I don't usually think things through so this generally happens a lot, me plummeting towards something from a tremendous height. Instead of taking a moment and feeling regretful about my bold and rash choice, I instead focus on the positive. The positive being I am falling towards the head of the squid that has now emerged. Oh beastie you have picked the wrong pirate to mess with!


Pointing my cutlass down as I fall, I land chaotically into the squid's head. My cutlass pierces it's head and it bellows in agony. Quickly I yank my cutlass out and stab it once more! This time my blade cuts through it's head and stabs deep into the squid's skull. I twist my cutlass just to make sure I really fuck this thing's brains up good! All at once though I feel the squid sinking and slowly falling down into the sea. I know there's not much time as I back flip from my spot on the squid's head and land perfectly on the deck of my ship. The squid's tentacles slowly release hold of my ship as the awful creature descends back down into the depths of hell it pulled itself up from. I bested the creature and brought it down like I brought down many scurvy beasts before. The thing never had a chance once it introduced it's tentacles to me. It's fate was sealed and it's death was eminent. For it suffered the fate placed upon it many creatures have felt before and many demons will have yet to face. No monster alive can crawl up from the deep and claim me. Or dive from the sky and overtake me. Or hell even roll across the land and subdue me. For I am the baddest motherfucker to sail these seas!


As the last bits of the giant squid fall below the surface of the water, the sea begins to calm. Maybe it realizes I am out upon the waters tonight. Maybe the squid's death sufficed the sea's appetite for destruction. Hard to say really what the reason was or what the cause of the sudden shift could be. From terror with tragedy closing in to a quickly approaching tranquility. I find no solace in the change for I am no fool and I know even though things have calmed down at any moment things could be invoked to massive points of disaster. I am no fool! No! I have sailed the seas and battled for too long to fall victim of moments of peace like this. Instead I just replace my cutlass and stare out into the sea awaiting what's to come next. What's that out there? On the horizon? I can almost make it out. Is it another savage battle? A war to be had? A monster to face? No! What cruel mistress of fortune has sent forth this being of pure horror? I see it now and it sees me. No weapon known to man can destroy this savage creature! How did it find me though? Why on the night of all nights did it pick this night to call my bluff? To come for me after I so arrogantly listed off there was nothing that could destroy me. Why now? I feel fear wrap it's icy hold around me as I stare into the aura of true horror and spirit crushing devastation. ARG! It can't be! No! It just can't be! It's fucking Tickle Me Elmo come to claim my soul! AHHHHH!!!


I drop to the floor clutching the red furry stuffed toy to my head. I am awarded by the sound of laughter. Laughter from my 2 year old. Laughter at my epic bedtime story skills. I rise to my feet and place Tickle Me Elmo back into my daughter's bed. I bet I coulda said anything and I would have got the same reaction. She didn't really like the story, she liked the ending. Namely her dad falling on his ass like a jackass. It's cool though. Whatever breaks a smile. I probably should start leaving the swear words out soon though. Definitely don't need her picking those up yet. I turn as I sense my wife Beth approach. She smiles, she was standing and watching from the doorway the whole time. We haven't made up from the bomb she dropped on me but I can't let my kid suffer because of it. Beth looks at me like she's trying to gauge my emotions. I've been for the most part leaving her wondering. Putting a wall up but tonight I drop the wall and return the smile. That's all it took....she looks like she wants to cry but doesn't. She's not moron. Save that moment for when the shorty has passed out. By the look in my daughter's eyes that time is approaching quickly. I kiss my daughter on the forehead before I turn and leave the room. My wife stays there.


I walk down the hall and keep going. I'm not ready to deal with anything yet. I know it's cold but that's just how I am. So I leave the house and head for the only place I shouldn't be headed to. My dealer's house. Yep. Classy move, I know. Don't judge me though. Everyone deals with shit their own way. I briefly wonder how I plan on passing my drug test if almost every night I have been getting high since last Monday? It's a brief thought....it doesn't last long. I can picture that jagbag JP Corino laughing at me now. He's straight edge. He wants me to invoke the old Hardy and come out blazing like the extreme creature I was years ago. The problem is that creature never stepped away. It's still here. I'm still the man I always was and more than likely always will be. I wonder if he realizes there was never a moment I was in a wrestling ring that I was a straight edge wrestler. I mean the definition of straight edge is no impurities in the body. No drugs, no liquor....hell some even take it further and start striking out caffeine and nicotine.....then some purge further and start going vegetarian, then vegan or even rawist. Yeah....that's right....rawist, it means only eating uncooked veggies. Pretty stupid if you ask me. Anyway the point is I started tossing myself from things in a ring right around the same moment I discovered pot. So there you go. Jeff Hardy...The Charismatic Enigma....has always had some sorta substance present. Not necessarily always resorting to taking it...but it's definitely always been present.


I pull up to my dealer's place right as I'm sure Beth is realizing I'm gone. She probably wanted to talk. To express feelings and get over this hurdle. I'd rather not. I mean I know her and I need to come to terms with shit. I realize it's inevitable. I just wish it could happen by not talking about it. Or perhaps I wish I had a fast forward button on life and I could just skip to the next part. Kinda like skipping past the commercials when you T-Vo shit. I don't wanna deal with the middle ground. The process of getting past the fucking hurdle. I'd rather do anything but. Perhaps if I take enough drugs, I'll forget about it all completely and that's what will happen. Wouldn't that be grand. My luck does not run that thick though. Instead I'd probably overdose first. Paul Heyman would do my eulogy and announce how he seen this coming. That would be just wonderful. I can picture it now and the image makes me wish Paul Heyman was somewhere choking to death. That's right choking to death. Seems like a good end for that fat asshole. A chicken bone sucked down into his throat as he's eating cause he's a fat bastard and fat bastards start choking on bits of food that shouldn't have wound up down their throats. What a glorious sight Paul Heyman choking to death and no one saving him. It's morbid and splendid and the same time.


I extend my hand and knock on my dealer's door. The door swings open and the images of Paul disappears. My dealer smiles and reaches his hand out. We shake hands and get right down to business. I never knew his proper name before but lately I have been hearing it a lot. All around me it seems to be popping up. Yet I never seem to use it. I never needed to because of the little words we actually exchange.He isn't my only dealer but he's the one I trust the most. The one man who above all others, has never done anything to warrant a bit of concern from me or rub me the wrong way. My dealer reaches into his pocket and produces a bag. It's filled with the substance I've been ingesting a lot of lately. The product that helps me forget and taints my blood. This time the transaction is different though. As I exchange money for goods my dealer produces another bag. It's filled with several vials of some sort of blue colored liquid. I raise an eyebrow as he places this bag into my hand. I have no clue what he just gave me.


My dealer smiles at my confusion. That is to ensure you pass any test you are given. Simply ingest what's in those tubes tomorrow morning and nothing shall stand in your way. The test - the test; the scourged enlightenment and victory is within your grasp. You simply must reach for it, claim it and it is yours.


He coulda just said it was detox. I nod and pocket both bags. He didn't have to look out for me but he did. Like I said I've been hearing my dealer's name a lot and that goes with me seeing him a lot. My dealer knew about Paul Heyman's stipulation for my match. Then again my dealer pays attention.


Thanks. So this stuff should take care of everything? I'll pass the drug test?


My dealer's eyes shine with the most sincerity as he tilts his head. My friend, once you ingest that substance tomorrow, you shall pass every test.


Good to know.


Thanks.


My dealer reaches out and he shakes my hand again as he slightly tips his fedora. No thanks are required. It has been a pleasure getting to know someone of your caliber. Perhaps one day though when I require assistance, I can count on you as you have come to count on me?


No problem.


Naturally I would help this man with whatever he needed help with. No more words are needed. I depart my dealer's company and head back to my car.