Frodo was in the middle of handling his business, by that we mean trying to shit and jerk off at the same time, because fuck what your physics say. His new mattress, along with Katie’s new mattress had arrived earlier today, and Katie and Sarah were out shopping for new pillows and linens, because you know, revenge period sex with some random dude in your dad’s bed will make him need to buy new sheets, just like 5 rounds of unprotected anal sex with a transsexual will cause her to need to buy new sheets. So, Frodo’s in there about to cum as the shit climax is coming as well, when suddenly someone bursts into the house.
”Oi! Where you at?”
Frodo gets up, wipes himself clean, flushes, washes his hands and walks into the living room. There in front of him is a very pregnant Iggy Azalea.
”Hey, Iggy. How’s it going?”
”Get this space baby out of me. Now.”
”Ok. No need to panic, go sit down, I’ll sound the Cinnamon alarm, he’ll know what to do.”
Without saying another word, Frodo walks over to the kitchen, and knocks his container of Cinnamon onto the floor. Iggy looks at him very perplexed.
”And that accomplished what?”
"Hello, Frodo. What do you want?”
”Remember that surprise I told you about?”
"Yes.”
”Surprise, Iggy’s about to give birth.”
"Congratulations, but what does Iggy giving birth have to do with me?”
”Thank you. Get it out of me.”
”It’s your baby, Az. Sort of.”
"Oh, do explain?”
”I stole some of your DNA, combined it with mine, took one of Iggy’s eggs, carefully removed her DNA, and placed our combined DNA in there. Boom, Frodo AZ baby. Also, maybe some meth got in there. I don’t sanitize my tools.”
”Lovely, now, get it out of me.”
Azrael waves his hand, and a birthing table appears in the room. Iggy levitates and begins to lay on the table. Azrael snaps his fingers again, and the baby comes bursting from Iggy’s stomach like the alien from Kane’s chest. Iggy passes out, and Azrael uses his space powers to heal her. Suddenly Luca and Scorpio burst through the front door.
”Hey! I heard you guys had a kid!”
”How did you hear so quickly?”
”Not like we were spying on you or anything. Nah, brah, that’s not cool.”
”Holy faggotry, Batman! How’d you have a kid?”
”Space Science.”
Luca raises his gun and points it in Frodo’s face.
”Space isn’t real, . How’d you have a kid?”
”I took Az’s DNA, my DNA, combined em, and inject Iggy with it. She had our kid. Wanna look at it?”
Luca and Scorpio walk over and look at the baby that Azrael had placed in a basket.
”Aww, he’s got your eyes, Nova.”
Scorpio whips out a triple stack, and a battery operated blender. He begins to blend the Triple Stack into a smoothie. Everyone stops and looks at him as he begins to pour it into a glass bottle he retrieved from his sock.
”What? He looks hungry.”
Scorpio begins to feed the baby as Frodo goes to fix the Cinnamon alarm. Iggy gets to her feet, and heads to the door.
”If that’s all, I’ll be on my way.”
Luca aims his gun at the back of Iggy’s head, and cocks it again.
”Sit the fuck down on the couch. I don’t believe this space shit so one of you motherfuckers better explain to me what really happened.”
Frodo walks back into the living room with a bag of coke and drops it on the table.
”While we figure it out, wanna do some Coke?”
Luca pulls out a rather discerning knife and scoops up some powder with it before inhaling it deeply. Frodo scoops some with a cereal spoon, and inhales it. Azrael just uses his fingers, like a gentlemen.
”I can’t believe you’re doing this in front of the baby. Do you have no shame?”
”Want some, bitch?”
Iggy reaches to try some Coke, but Scorpio gives her a death stare and she just collapses back into the sofa.
”You just had a kid. You should be ashamed.”
The baby finishes the bottle, and Scorpio lays him back down in the basket.
”Little guy needs his make up done.”
He leans in and begins to pain the baby’s face. Within 15 seconds he was done. Everyone goes to look, and the baby is now pained just like Scorpio. Luca pulls out his gun, and blasts the baby in the face.
”Fixed it.”
”What the hell, brah?”
”What?”
”You shot my kid!”
”I fixed it.”
Azrael teleported away at this, and Scorpio left the house crying. Right as Katie and Sarah came back. They stopped when they saw Luca, Iggy, Frodo, a shit ton of Coke, and a bleeding basket.
”What’s that?”
”Luca just killed your newborn space brother.”
”Um. Ok. Why?”
”Because I can. Just like I can do this.”
Luca grabbed Katie’s hand, and Iggy’s and walked off towards Katie’s bedroom. We’re not sure, but we think they maybe had a threesome. At some point, Luca came back into the living room, naked, and collected the Coke.
Several hours later
Frodo goes into the kitchen to make himself a midnight snack, entirely Chicken Florentine. When he spots a light in the kitchen is on, he rushes in to find a man standing there. The man turns and faces Frodo.
"Hello, dad."
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"Norman, your son. The one Iggy birthed."
"You died. I saw Luca shoot you."
"Funny thing, I'm like my other father, and my sister, Lila. I regenerate. I'm a Dovakhin after all."
"I think it's Dareikar Navaar"
"Perhaps, that's how Azrael pronounces it; however, I am a halfbreed. I do not fit into that group. Unlike Lila, I do not choose to hide who I am. I am going to go help people, something my other father should be doing."
With a snap of his fingers the man vanished.
"What the fuck?"
He reappeared a minute or so later. This time with a gun on his hip.
"My name is Norman, by the way. In case you missed it."
"Where are you going, son?"
"First, Harlan. Then after a while, for Luca. He shot me after all."
"He's your godfather. And Scorpio is your godmother."
"What horrible choices. Bye, dad. Tell my other father that I love him, and will visit him soon."
With that, Norman vanished into the night one last time.
"Hello, we speak one last time, Jacob. Jacob the liar. You, see, Jacob, we've come down to the wire. And what have we learned? Just one little detail about you. Curious to know what it is that I've figured out? You're full of shit. There is no real higher power. There is no cult. It's just you and a bunch of your dumbass friends running around wanting to fit in. You're all jealous. Jealous of the attention that men like Samuels, Theo, John Madison, Scorpio, Lucar Arzegotti, or I get. Jealous of the love that Diaz receives. Jealous of the train that The Cleanser is riding. So you call people out. You run that cockholster of yours. You keep it going, and you poke and prod hoping someone will bite. Congrats. I bit. I'm here. You got what you wanted, what you always wanted. A fraction of the attention I get. A tiny morsel of the love. The adoration. Can you hear the fans cheer for me? Can you hear everyone call my name when I win? Hell, even when I lose they cheer for me. And do you know why? Because at the end of the day I give the people exactly what they want.
They want me to run around call you a , kick you in the dick, and ass fuck you. Why? Because it's funny. I deliver the humor that so many people long for. It's why I essentially have Carte Blanche. That's a term I used earlier, it means white card, means I can do whatever. Shane knows it. Madison knows it. Ozy knows it. Hell, MacClay knows it, and he just got here. I put asses in seats, money in the change jar; I am a hot fucking commodity. Why do you think no GM came to Lane's rescue when I wouldn't leave him alone? Why do you think I ask for something, and there it is? Banned from competing in title matches? No, jk here's a title shot. Because I am what the business needs. And you?
You're a vulture trying to pick my carcass thinking I'm dead. The problem is that you're too to realize me bathing in tub full of Champagne and Diamonds, that ain't death, little brother. That's fucking success. So, keep lapping at my cock, keep poking my body. It won't get you any closer to the top. It won't allow you to sparkle like a Cullen. It just makes it sadder when I bust your fucking jaw. See ya later, cockboy."
. How’d you have a kid?”![[Image: BasketCase-towatchpile.jpg]](http://www.towatchpile.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/BasketCase-towatchpile.jpg)
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