One of the benefits of being friends with an alien is that from time to time they give you technology that is far beyond anything you could get here on Earth. As fantastic as Best Buy is, they don't exactly sell rings that allow you to teleport wherever you want in the blink of an eye. Several months ago Theo was given such a device by Azrael Erebus in exchange for some help that Theo provided for Azrael. Theo had given the device back to Azrael's daughter Lila when their relationship ended, however sensing that Lila would not need the ring due to her current circumstances Azrael took it from her and at Thanksgiving gave it back to Theo believing that Theo could benefit from it far more than Lila ever could, or would want to for that matter. Since getting the device back Theo has made quick use of it. Teleporting here there and everywhere. Hell just yesterday Theo visited L.A, Nevada and Australia. The first two for business the last for pleasure. Oh such pleasure.

Her name is Ashleigh and by God was she amazing. Theo and Ashleigh met a few months ago at a party that only the rich, famous and extremely good looking get an invite to. So naturally Theo was there doing what Theo does. Throwing back whiskey and hitting on hot chicks. So anyway, Theo and Ashleigh hit it off at the event and Theo promised that the next time he was in Australia he would give her a call. Having some time to kill and with Samuels being a pussy boy and not wanting to answer his phone Theo figured what the hell, let's go to Australia and get some of that down under snatch. And so that's where we are. Ashleigh's bedroom in her studio apartment in downtown Sydney approximately 30 seconds after coitus.


"You sure your boyfriend won't mind the fact that I just slammed his girlfriend six ways to Sunday?"

"Not unless you decide to post about it on facebook."

"Facebook, who the fuck uses that thing?"

"Ummm, everybody silly?"

"Not me. Not once. Not ever."

"Really? That's crazy to me."

"You wanna know what's really crazy?"

"What's that?"

"That I can do this."


Theo reaches down and grabs his slacks off the floor. He reaches into the pocket and pulls out a small ring and then slips it on.



Poof.

And just like that Theo vanishes from Ashleigh's bed and a second later reemerges in the kitchen of his condo completely naked. Thankfully the bar which is located in the center of the kitchen happens to be covering up Theo's lower half. Theo quickly reaches forward and grabs an old pizza box and using it as a shield covers up his royal member as he scampers up the steps and into his bedroom.

About an 20 minutes later Theo emerges from his bedroom dressed in his typical knock around outfit, a suit and tie. Theo reaches down into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone, presses a few keys an waits for the person on the other end of the line to pick up...


"Well hello, Judas."

"John it's Theo, what are you doing?"

"I know exactly who the fuck this is. It's the man responsible for turning me into nothing but a goddamn criminal. I'm fucking drinking what do you think? What do you want?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in fuckin' Oz, skipping down a yellow road with a ass lion and a dipshit strawman. I'm in a fucking bar, where the hell else would I be?"

"Well buddy I want to help you get acclimated to your new found blackness so I am going to send over a couple of guys I know. They look a little sketchy and that's because a few of them just got out of the joint on drug charges but one of them, he's a real gem. He's an investment banker in New York, goes by the name Daryl."

"You're sending me a couple of convicts and an Uncle Tom to help me be more black. Why not shove a lightbulb up my ass and kick me in the cheeks while you're at it?"

"Not be more black. Act more black. What? I thought you'd appreciate it."

"You are such an idiot."

"Look John if you don't start being nicer I am going to have to do something drastic and that's get rid of one of my black friends."

"I'm your only black friend."

"God Damn it John. Why does everything always have to be about you? And I thought I was a selfish prick. So are you going to tell me where you are or what?"

"Or what."

"Fine. Look John I know how you feel..."

"You know how I feel? When was the last time you were black?"

"A few minutes ago when the girl I was smashing said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen."

"She was probably lying."

"Yeah probably but in that moment I felt like the biggest, blackest, son of a bitch that ever lived. Seriously though John, I want to help. What can I do?"

"Just leave me alone."

"Not an option. Look, let's talk about our match. That idiot Manson had another verbal blunder yesterday.Took a page right out of Peter Gilmour's book, first he said that there was nothing wrong with anyone on our team then he claimed Madison was our teams weakness. Either, there's nothing wrong with any of us or we have a weakness."

"Don't care."

"Fine then let's talk about Frodo, he seems to have plenty to say about you, just as predicted he found a few semi creative ways to call you a homo. He also called me his friend and then got a little upset because he thought that us having a match meant we could no longer be friends. I never actually said that mind you, never even alluded to it but that's what he heard. Even though there is a mountain of evidence to suggest that for me a match is just that a match. It doesn't have to be a prelude to anything. Hell I've fought Luca, Azrael, Madison, you, my brother and yet despite that we can all sit down for a nice Thanksgiving meal together. Well, not Sebastian because he hates fun. But the rest of us can. But if Frodo wants to take this opportunity to dissolve our friendship because he has to face me in the ring, well then that's sad but I won't lose any sleep over it. Especially when he flat out lies like he does."

"That's all he ever does."

"True enough. He said that drugs are what caused my breakup with Lila and why I lost Pryce Industries. Both of which are factually incorrect. My breakup with Lila had very little to do with drugs at all. She knew I did drugs, she didn't care at all. Our issues boiled down to communication or a lack there of. As for my company. I didn't lose Pryce Industries because of drugs. Pryce Industries was mine until the day I willingly signed it over to Erica because I no longer wanted anything to do with the place. Hell, that just happened a few weeks ago and since I know Frodo waits with bated breath for anything and everything I do I know he saw the promo in which I covered that exact topic. Hell everyone got to see it, the entire world. If you want I can send you a link right to the video?"

"No that's ok."

"Fine. Just trying to help you out. But here's the kicker, the little guy thinks that I'm jealous of him? For what reason I have no idea. He seems to think it's because some cult that I don't remember starting never took off meanwhile he's Hysteria's lapdog. Not sure how that translates into me being jealous but whatever. It's Frodo, if he's not speaking out of turn he's speaking out of his ass, when it's not being tongue fucked by whatever tranny hooker he stumbled into while slinging rock on the corners. And hey I'm not judging. If a guy wants to get his asshole licked then that's his business. And certainly everyone has a right to make a living. So long as they aren't selling to kids. That shits just wrong. I especially love when a guy who knowingly allowed his son and daughter to fuck each other feels like he's qualified to give parenting advice. That's always a good time. The day I get parenting advice from Frodo is the day I let Andrea Bocelli pick out my drapes."

"Who the fuck is Andrea Bocelli?"

"Jesus John. Black for a day and already you forget about the famous white folk? I suppose you've been listening to Kanye on loop haven't you?"

"Shut up."

"And then we got this Hysteria asshole who doesn't seem to grasp the concept of time. I've been clean and sober for a little over 5 months now but according to him I am going through withdrawal. Have you ever heard of withdrawal taking 5 months? 5 weeks maybe. But 5 months? Give me a break. I need the Higher Power's help getting through withdrawal like a need a god damn second dick. One gets me in enough trouble. Two, forget about it. "

"John..."

"John..."

"What?"

"Are you going to add anything of value to this conversation?

"No."

"Ok well that's fine. Truth is I know exactly where you are. I've known where you are since the second you left Lab 13."

"You put a tracker in me?"

"Yes I did. A little trick I learned from Madison."

"You son of a bitch."

"Now John there's no need for that kind of talk. My friends should be walking through the door any minute now. Treat them well. I'll see you soon. And then we can do this face to face since you know your little pint sized hater is going to have plenty to say. After all it wouldn't be a discussion with Frodo if he didn't insist on getting the last word in."


And just like that a group of 5 African American walk into a bar in Texas. Isn't that how all hate crimes start?

Find out next time in the next installment of "The Adventures of The Three Kings."