THWAP!


I bury an ax into an old and decaying tree on my property. I yank the ax out and take another swing, just like I'm hitting a baseball.


THUNK!


That swing was better. The ax stuck in deeper. I've been at this for a bit now but I'm certain one more chop should do the trick. Pull my arm back and give it all I can. Make this hit really count. This is the Paul Heyman shot to the face chop. Paul Heyman....what A fucking prick!


CRACK!


That did it! The tree is only hanging on by a little bit. I don't need to even use the ax anymore. This bitch is goin' down! I shove the tree with my foot and the tree falls. Falls fast and collides with the ground with an epic...


THUD!


I walk along the stretch of the tree and begin chopping away at it, making it into smaller pieces so I can dispose of the dead and rotted tree easier. Even though there is a chill in the air, I've worked up a sweat. A morning of chopping down a tree does that to a person though. Maybe not everyone, there are guys out there that might think chopping down a tree ain't shit. Hell, there may be men who believe they can rip trees outta the ground with their bare hands and then effortless toss them aside as they growl, following that action by beating their chest and growling again. I am not one of those men...thankfully.


Jeff!


I hear my name hollered and turn to see my brother Matt approaching.


What the fuck are you doin' man?


I laugh and lift the ax high in the air before bringing it down into the tree.


Real North Carolina man work!


I let out a grunt jokingly and then begin to laugh. Matt also laughs as he kicks at the tree.


Better watch out with talk like that, you're starting to sound like dad. Next thing you know you'll be driving a pick up, quit wrestling and spend all your time huntin', fishin' and drinkin' Old Style while sittin' on the couch, watchin' whatever televised sport you can find.


Hey, don't you drive a pick up and drink Old Style?


Touche.


I just had to chop this thing down! It was dead and ready to fall at any moment it just was taking too god damn long to actually get the falling over part done with. Truth is I coulda got the city to do it but where's the fun in that!


Translation....Beth kept nagging at you about it until you were annoyed enough to actually get your ass out here and do it. I walked through the house, I seen that lovely little "to-do" list plastered to your fridge. What's the next thing on your list Jeffy...clean the gutters, fix the washing machine? I know fix that fucking, annoying ass, leaking faucet in your kitchen. I know it seems like nothing but the last time I crashed here, in the middle of the night you hear that shit and it's fucking torture! TORTURE! I seen that shit still wasn't fixed either when I came in through the house!


Yeah...yeah, cry me a motherfuckin' river. You spot that "to do" list while you were scoping out the fridge for beer?


I may have. Which reminds me you ain't got shit in your fridge! You gotta get on that shit too man! Get some groceries up in that house! You got a wife and kid for christ sake! Get some fucking beer while you're at it so when your older brother stops in unexpected and unannounced he doesn't have to go thirsty.


Just what I was looking forward to in life, my older brother dropping in unannounced and mooching.


It sounds harsh but he knows I'm kidding. I am kidding right?


You can cut that line of dialog out, right there shithead. I ain't no freeloader!


Matt laughs, places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. I stare at him like he just committed murder.


What the fuck is this now? You're smoking? Seriously? No...no this won't fly around me, man!


I promptly pull the cigarette from Matt's mouth and toss it. I then pull a tin from my pocket and from the tin I produce a joint. I spark the joint up and then pass it to Matt.


If you're gonna smoke anything smoke that....at least it's natural and won't fucking kill you!


Matt hits the joint and passes it back to me as he chuckles.


Says the man who pops pills, snorts lines and god knows what else.


Yeah well....at least I don't smoke.


That's a good outlook to have. Only consume harsh chemicals and toxins if they can get me high. You gonna patent that slogan. Put it on some t-shirts with your pic along with it. Sell them at the XWF events for $19.95 a pop.


I exhale a large cloud of smoke and take another hit. I pass the joint back to Matt.


Oooh...jealous much! You mad I'm in the XWF and you're not! Join up fucker, what sorta shit do ya got goin' on anyway? Wrestling for ROH. Being in S.C.U.M and hanging out with Kevin Steen. Fuck that man....seriously.


Hey...don't knock my company! Kevin Steen is the shit, by the way. We're supposed to go bowling next Tuesday.


You don't say...that's sounds like a great time right there!


I roll my eyes and really emphasize the sarcasm there. Bowling with Kevin Steen....I think I'd really have to do some soul searching and reality checking on myself the day that happened.


When you see him tell him there's a guy who looks a bit like him in the XWF.


Really?


Matt exhales a long cloud of smoke and hits the joint. He then passes it back to me and I promptly hit it and kill it.


Yeah...kinda. His name is Peter Gilmour and he's the tag champ with Mister Mystery.


Mister Mystery? What the fuck? Great name right there, but it's fitting for where you're at. The XWF, home of the insane! Yeah...I'm happy where I'm at in ROH. I don't need to join up with a carnival freak show where if I piss off the owner I can have my head chopped off. Y'know that guy Shane does that shit! I don't know how that man isn't locked up? I don't know how you can even wrestle there! Knowing what goes on and being surrounded by multiple, legitimate psychos. It's fucked up man!


I like it. I like it because it's real. When I go out there and perform in that ring it makes me feel alive. Just like back in the day when we were wrestling for..carnivals, now that you mention it.


I laugh as I am briefly taken back to the memory of wrestling in carnivals and truck stops with Matt. Home made rings and saw dust on the floor. It was fucking epic and I loved it! You could really bust your shit up if you didn't know your shit and do it right. When I joined the WWE and then went on to TNA I started to lose that picture in my mind. Now that I'm in the XWF that picture is crystal clear in my brain. With it returning came my passion for this business. My fire. My fuel. While I was losing sight of my past I was also losing the drive to push forward in my future. I was forgetting who I was. Now it's all back like it never left and couldn't feel more alive!


Yeah, I remember that shit. Those were the days man!


Hell yeah those were the days and this is the present. I'm livin' this shit to the fullest and lovin' every moment!


Till Shane chops your head off.


Yeah well, the day that happens, it'll have been worth it!


You're a crazyass...you do know that. I think bein' around those lunatics is rubbing off on you.


I wouldn't doubt it.


Speaking of that, don't you have a match comin' up on Monday?

Yep. Against JP Corino and Agony in a triple threat match, that isn't for the title. Oh boy, the first real challenge and I get to have that safety net of knowing even if I lose, I won't lose the title. Yay! Which completely baffles the shit outta me cause Paul said he wanted to do all he could to rip that title off my waist. Told me I'm basically not worthy of being his champ. He's lucky I didn't fuckin' lay him out right there! Fucking douche bag, seriously! Now tell me how that makes one lick of sense? Don't want me to hold onto the title and yet don't have me defend it when there's actually a challenge. Paul's real fuckin' piece a work in the thinking department!


You're actually complaining about not having the possibility to lose the European Championship to guys you might have a challenge from? Then you think Paul sounds a bit off? Sounds like you're a bit off! Don't complain about that shit! Now you won't lose the title if you lose to one of those guys....JP Corino or Agony. Sounds like a couple of real winners there by the way!


Those guys are pretty damn good from what I seen. Both of them got a set of mouths on them too. Corino's been squawking non-stop about me! Obsessing and shit! Practically screamin' for my attention! It's pretty fuckin' funny actually cause he follows all that desperation with telling me how he's better than me. Yeah, he's better alright...an obsessive nut cutting promos left and right with nothing new to say. Telling me how he's got a hard on for the fucking title basically and yelling for me to notice him. Begging...just fucking begging for my attention! Someone should tell the poor fucktard desperation isn't a good color for him! Seriously! He needs to calm the fuck down!


Then you got Agony, and that fuck is just beyond crazy. I think he ate a person in his promo. Like cannibalized some fucking guy and then started running his mouth about me being a drug addict and my dead mother never loving me. Some fucking boring ass bullshit that was supposed to get me depressed or feeling shitty about myself. I don't fucking know. He's gonna have to hit me with some better ammo than that if he wants to strike me down though. I'm like Superman with that shit! Bounces off me like bullets do to Superman. Come to think of it, Corino made a Superman reference to me. He must see that shit too. Must be way he keeps repeating the same bullshit over and over. He thinks the school yard bully tactic of repeating an insult is gonna work. Hate to break it to the guy but that won't work. His shit's weak! WEAK!


Sure...talk tough now and complain later when you lose. Matt, there were two of them in the ring...if it was one on one, surely...I would have won. Good thing this match wasn't for the title.


Shut the fuck up with that noise dude! I'll show you what I can and can't take on and drop you like I dropped that tree.


Tough words.


This moment with Matt finally got to the point where we actually wrestled. He got me in a head lock and I reversed that shit and tossed him on his ass a couple times. He took me down a couple times with a leg sweep and a powerbomb. A twist of fate here and a whisper in the wind there. It was all in good fun. Bullshit fucking around we've done since we were kids and it ended just the same. Both of us on the ground breathless. Good times.


Ok truce...we're both equally awesome and evenly matched.


Says you, I'm way more fucking awesome. But I agree....truce. You should really reconsider joining the XWF though. It might be fun to bring the old team back together. Team Extreme. That would be great!


You're stoned, you know that's an awful idea.


Yeah, it was and yeah, I am.


I'll still come to the event on Monday and watch you wrassle. If Paul is a fucking asshole to you though, I'll lay that fat ass down!


Good deal. Now, I think it may be time to get up and hit the store for food though, cause I'm starving and I ain't got shit in the house to eat.


With that both Matt and I rose to our feet and began to head for the house. I'd finish chopping the tree up another day. Besides wielding an ax and being high probably wasn't a good combo.