Last week, before my match with Luke Gunnar, I came out and proclaimed that I would turn around my losing ways and become the Warlord of Warfare. I then backed up my claims by knocking Gunnar the fuck out in front of a raucous German crowd who celebrated my victory by throwing sauerkraut at Luke Gunnar… Gunnar tried to eat it all because he’s poor.
Not only that, I wrestled the next damn night and absolutely demolished ‘Loverboy’ Vinnie Lane and Pest at a house show. Loverboy, who many are pegging as some sort of next big thing (and who many are pegging literally in the pooper), spent the whole fucking week trying to make me look bad and look where that got him. I’m sure he’ll do his best to minimize his loss because he’s an overly arrogant tranny but it was confirmed, without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m still the best wrestler in the XWF today. When Paul Heyman isn’t around getting all up in my shit, I’m unstoppable. #JusticeForAidan is becoming a greater reality by the day. As Americans, that should make us all very proud.
This week, Warfare rolls into Russia and I’m a little freaked out for a few reasons. First of all, Vladimir Putin is a big meanie. As President Obama has said, Putin needs to stop letting parts of the Ukraine who want to join Russia actually join Russia. Russia’s involvement in the Ukraine is bad, it’s evil, and it’s making Malaysian aircrafts go down like Liz Hathaway on random dudes after two shots of Absolut.
Additionally, I saw that I’m booked against Barney Green but when I sat down to watch his promo and laugh at his lazy eye… I was confused. Barney Green wasn’t, well, Barney Green. Instead, I saw some slackjawed homosexed American pretending to be Barney while making duck faces and speaking in broken sentences. What happened to the bulbous bitchtits we could all laugh at? Where did the fat man with the speech impediment who hit himself with stuff he found in his mom’s basement go? I do not think it’s a coincidence that something this shady is involved with Russia.
I know what you’re thinking… what if the gravitational pull on someone as heavy as Barney was so strong that it sucked him into the Earth’s crust? Well, when you consider Barney’s mass and Isaac Newton’s Third Law, it would be impossible. Barney Green, and I mean the real Green and not the imposter, has gravity that pulls on the Earth as equally as the Earth pulls on his bloated, disgusting body. While his unfathomable weight might affect the Earth’s wobble and cause us to crash into the moon, it is not any more likely that he will be pulled into the Earth’s core than his stomach will pull the Earth into his core… His core, ironically enough, is completely composed of lava cake, not molten lava like with our planet. But that’s just a fun fact.
This entire thing smells fishy and I’m not just saying that because Barney is unable to fully bathe himself, causing him to smell like Free Willy’s dick. Why would some company pay Barney for his name when it’s virtually worthless? His “claim to fame”, or whatever you want to call it, is that he is the worst XWF World Champion in history. I’m sure he thinks it’s some inspirational tale that he held the XWF’s second most esteemed title but I would be more inspired if he was actually able to bend over far enough to tie his shoes.
There is no reason for anyone to waste money on the Barney Green name. Additionally, since Barney is from the anus of America, Boston, he would have far too much pride to give up his horrible name. I guess there would be a tangible possibility he’d try to change his last name to Gronkowski if he was actually smart enough to spell that douchey Polack’s surname… but he can’t so it’s not even worth talking about.
No, it’s easy to see that Barney Green didn’t sell his name to that company. It’s easy to see that the blonde-haired fuccboi pretending to be him is an imposter. It’s easy to see that there’s a CONSPIRACY right in front of us. Some entity, likely the company claiming to have bought his name, has made Barney Green disappear. Usually, I’d be impressed of a magic trick of that scale kind of like I was impressed when David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear (not that Lady Liberty is nearly as heavy). Since I’m a complete Warfare Warrior dedicated to Social Justice, though, I have to ask the questions that the rest of you are afraid to ask.
The world needs people like Barney Green. Without him, the populace would be forced to compare themselves to complete alpha males like myself and there would be mass suicide. The existence of a Barney Green allows people to look at him and say “well, at least I’m not that sorry sack of shit”. To once again bring up Newton’s third law, he’s the equal and opposite reaction to someone as good looking as Aidan Collins. He’s the lowest of the low, looks wise, and the highest of the high, by body fat percentage. America needs Barney Green and I’m not just saying that because he accounts for half of McDonald’s revenue, which is important in this time of economic downturn.
I’m taking matters into my own hands by beating on the imposter, taking him backstage, and waterboarding him. Hey, if it’s good enough for Obama, it’s good enough for Da Bliz. After the waterboarding is finished and I get the information I need, I will go save Barney Green from the captors who have him. They’re probably trying to shove all sorts of stuff up his butt mainly because he’s so fat that it’s impossible to tell which hole is which. Also because Barney loves having stuff shoved up his butt, it frees up trapped farts stuck between his butt cheeks.
Liz Hathaway’s eyes lead me to believe that her mother gave birth to her right outside of Chernobyl so it’s completely plausible that she’s some sort of Russian double agent involved in the conspiracy. I’m not going to let her get in the way of obtaining justice. Many of you probably heard about Michelle Obama pushing the hashtag, #BringBackOurGirls, in regards to the kidnapping of dozens of young Nigerian women. I encourage you all to tweet #BringBackOurGreen as it will inspire me enough to make it a reality.
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