((Steve Sayors is walking backstage preparing his voice for all of the last minute promos XWF superstars are sure to want him to conduct before the huge Madness later on in the night.))

Sayors: Miiiii miiiii miiii… mooooo moooooo… OOOOOH…. AAAHHHHH…

Loverboy: Hey man!

((Loverboy slaps Sayors on the back as he comes up behind him, practically knocking the much smaller man over.))

Loverboy: Dude, I swear I just had kind of a déjà vu moment, man! Were you trash talking me in someone’s dream?

Sayors: What? No, Vinnie, I’ve been getting my vocal chords stretched out.

Loverboy: WHOA, man, TMI there dude. I didn’t even know you had a boyfriend!

Sayors: What? Boyfriend? I’m not gay, Vinnie! I mean I was getting ready to do some promo work for the competitors in tonight’s show.

Loverboy: You know, funny you should mention that, dude! It turns out, man, that a lot of people don’t really take my shit-talking skills all that seriously around here, you know? Is that true, dude?

Sayors: Well, I’ve heard, I guess, but I wouldn’t really know. Did you really just rip off everything Pest was saying to you earlier though?

Loverboy: Man, Pest is just that. A Pest. I feel like the world’s worst matchmaker, getting that guy and Aidan Collins to fall in love. Anyway man, look, I wrote down some stuff… can I go ahead and run it by you? You can use it for promo material, whatever. Cool?

Sayors: Well I…

Loverboy: Awesome! Alright, let’s get started here…

((Loverboy pulls out a crumpled sheet of notebook paper from his back jeans pocket, then smooths it out and reads it as he points menacingly in front of himself as if there were a camera there – unfortunately the actual camera is off to the side, so Loverboy is simply pointing at air.))

Loverboy: Alright… okay… here we go… ((clears throat)) GATOR! You funny looking bastard! Why are you always wearing that mask? Is it so we don’t see you cry when you lose to me tonight? Is it because Todd practices his cosmetology skills on you in the dressing room while listening to Unchained Melody as a warm up for your matches? Yeah, that must be it! Because you’re ladies! Like the Joy Luck Club or something back there having tea parties together and complimenting each other’s new bras! BOOM! TRASH TALKED! How’d you dig that, Sayors?

((Steve Sayors looks nervous as Loverboy stares at him expectantly.))

Sayors: It was… GREAT! Vinnie, that was really good stuff! Anyway, I’ve really got to…

Loverboy: Awesome! Look, here’s my bit on LH Harrison. ((clears throat again)) LH! What’s that even stand for, dude? LAME HOMO? Yeah! You’ve been off your rocker lately, dude, really coo coo crazy, you know? Like I expect you to pop out of the clock on my wall and remind me what time it is, right after dressing up as me for Halloween or something! You need some Prozac, buddy! Maybe even all of it! Hey dude, when you get done with that Gator costume you sewed together like a Project Runway reject, how about giving it to him as a gift? He shit in the other one. Then maybe you can run off together and have babies! Go to California and get MARRIED! Oh! What’s that, did you hear that? Huh LH? It was the sound of you getting TRASH TALKED!!!

((Steve Sayors looks practically terrified as Loverboy grins from ear to ear and looks at him, waiting for his opinion.))

Sayors: Uh… I mean… Loverboy, it was gold. Pure gold. Run with it, okay? It’s getting late and…

Loverboy: LUCA ARZEGOTTI! What are you, some Italian mafia hitman? Is Arzegotti even an Italian name? Is Luca even a boy’s name? I literally have no idea what you are all about or who you are, man! You’re like watching a really bad episode of Franklin and Bash, only when it’s like, one of those “very special” episodes where they try to not be as funny, and try to tackle really heavy events, you know? Like when the fat chick got raped on the Facts of Life, or when MLK got shot on the Jeffersons? Oh! Or like the series finale of ALF! You’re like ALF dude! Man, who are you really, anyway, man? Are you a serial killer? Or a super cop? Or, like, a pro wrestler? You have a real identity crisis going on, dude! Maybe worse than Harrison and his dress up fetish! Luca, man, tonight is the night you find out that you’re over and done with, man! You can’t even carry my jock strap, if I wore one! If you pecker checked me in the men’s room while we were pissing next to each other, you’d probably kill yourself in shame! Like actually kill yourself on purpose, man, not by accident like Michael Hutchence or David Carradine. Those dudes were just trying to whack off. You though? You’ll want to die because you’ll be all like “whoa man, that dick is so big and pretty! Why can’t my Arzeconda be like that instead of the weird, twisty little pig tail that it is?” Don’t worry, Luca, it will all be over soon, man! For now though – YOU JUST GOT TRASH TALKED!

((Loverboy spins toward Steve Sayors who is holding his head in his hands. With arms outstretched, Loverboy’s smile grows even wider and he gestures for Sayors to respond.))

Loverboy: That’s it, man, how did you like it? Did you hear the part about Luca’s dick? Do you want me to go over it again?

Sayors: NO! No, Loverboy, it was great. Really, all really great. You are definitely the king of smack talk around here. Blizzard and Pest and Luca all have nothing on you. Can I go now?

Loverboy: Hell yeah! I’m the best, man! You’re awesome too, Steve-O! I forgive you for all that weird dream talk you were spewing earlier!

Sayors: What? Whatever, Vinnie, I’ve got to go.

((Sayors walks off, leaving Vinnie Lane to bob his head in a self-satisfied manner, playing air guitar as he walks back toward his dressing room.))

TRASH TALKED!