The following has been transcribed during a one hour period of Aidan Collins pausing Eli James’ promo and making comments. The Quote Crusher is an original Aidan Collins concept, developed in 2004. All usage rights remain with Aidan Collins. This Quote Crusher has been edited for your convenience and viewer enjoyment.

(Eli’s longwinded story about some guy eating hot dogs or some equally shit)

Check out the fucking poet laureate over here! You criticize me for talking about you being overweight and the first time you get a chance to create a metaphor, you use one that involves an eating competition? Dude, why are you so obsessed with food? I already told you that I don’t want to fat shame you, what part of that did you miss? Can you really not go five minutes without wanting to shove a fucking braut down your face hole?

It’s really sad that you’re unable to control your eating urges and it’s bled over into your promo cutting skills. I was expecting some spooky shit about how you’ve danced with the devil or fingerbanged some ghosts but instead I’m getting the backstory to why Joey Chesnut is a fraud. Dude, if you’re so obsessed about hot dog eating contests, just enter one yourself. No one is going to judge you, it’s 2014. The year finally matches your weight, you’re free!

“You've defeated 30 plus people in a singles match and haven't lost yet. How many of those 30 people were a someone? How many of those 30 were a top competitor?”

You want names, bro? Here, I’ll rattle some of them off.

Bigg Rigg. Former XWF Universal Champion. XWF Hall of Legends member. Raziel. Former XWF Universal Champion and 2x W.G.W.F Champion. XWF Hall of Legends member. Dante Anglais. Former XWF World Champion and W.G.W.F. World Champion. TJ Jones. Former PDW Platinum Champion. “Chronic” Chris Page. Former XWF World Champion and current W.G.W.F. World Champion. Zach Rizza. Former XWF Universal Champion.

What’s the common bond between all of those people? It’s the fact that they were all the TOP champions in the federations that they were in. You can huff and puff about how some of those title runs occurred in other federations, I don’t give a shit. The fact of the matter is that a lot of those guys have had more success in THIS federation than you have. It’s a giant leap of faith to assume that you’re better than them much less better than me, their proven superior. You can assume that they’re nobodies out of complete ignorance but you’re about to find your fat ass on that same list, so I’d start looking them up. The sad part, for you, is that you will absolutely NOT be anywhere near the top of the list.

I also don’t care about what you think about me, I just figured that if you have some dumbass questions that there will be some other roster members that share those dumbass questions. Instead of answering those questions every single week, it’s easier for me to answer them on my first week. Of course, I’m sure Morbid will ask all the same questions in our Universal Title match because the dude is a dumb sack of shit who’s basically just a worse version of you.

“A difference I can already see between us, man, is you love to exaggerate and I simply tell the truth. You don't need to list the 30+ guys you've faced or to tell about their history.. but I’m sure you will because you want to be seen as someone.”

The funny thing about this sentence is that when I say something without elaborating, I’m a exaggerating. When I go into detail about something, then I’m someone who’s just trying to hype myself up. What kind of false dichotomy is that, Eli? You make these requests about my past and then when I got ahead and inform you of who the fuck I am, you say I’m doing it to boost my own ego. How about I did it because you asked me to, ?

If you don’t care the answers to the questions you ask then what’s the fuck point? Are you talking because you like the sound of your own voice? I can assure you that you’re the only person that enjoys that shit because it sounds like someone damaged your vocal box when they stabbed your throat from the inside with their dick.

Why do you keep questioning me, saying you don’t care about the answer, and then ask the same fucking questions? Why do you ask me who’ve I beaten and insist that I’m just telling you random shit I’ve done? Why

You wanna know the funny thing about you, “man”? You’re basically a rip off of every other “brooding dark” CHARACTER that I’ve seen in wrestling the last decade. Oh wow, you burned a church? Varg Virkenes was doing that shit 20 years ago. You have a spooky, southern backwoods vibe? Did you just watch Cape Fear in your Maw-maw’s basement, jerkoff? None of this is even comparing you to that chunky wrestler you look like in that OTHER American Wrestling company that you’re ripping off directly, “man”. You know… that OTHER company who is owned by that guy who’s name rhymes with Schmince McDann?

You’ll probably claim that my “arrogance gimmick” is nothing new, ignoring the fact that arrogance is a personality trait and not a fucking gimmick. I’m original and I do what I want. How many other dudes in the world have set out to impregnate 100 chicks in one calendar year? Who has done the things I’ve done over the last week? I can point to every single boring event that you’ve made us watch since Wednesday and directly show where you pulled that bullshit from. It just goes to show that you’re a CHARACTER being played by some dickbag instead of a real person. Just a list of clichés without substance. You’re a fraud.

“You came in immediately into a new company, and asked for a Universal Title match. You are like the kid who couldn't beat Mario Brothers until the secrets were revealed and cheats became available. You couldn't do it the hard way..”

Are you so dense that you have no comprehension of what happened when I walked into the XWF? I didn’t talk shit to Morbid Angel because I was scared of the “oh so scary” XWF roster, I did it because he’s a jackass that can easily be baited into giving a title shot. I did it because I wanted to send a message that I’m not scared of a single person here and I wanted to take the top champion down a peg. Why wouldn’t I do what it takes to get a Universal Title shot immediately? Am I the only person in the world that would rather take the easy route over the hard route? If the quickest route from point A to point B is a straight line, why would I waste my time going through point C? If you were flying a plane and you were going from New York to Chicago, would your route include a stop in Miami for no reason? It’s basic logic that you probably didn’t get while being taught creationism in some cabin that you got molested in.

I also have to ask… why is beating the everloving shit out of someone that the majority of the fed considers their top dog, taking things the easy way? Are you implying that beating the fuck out of you is the easy way to handle things? Have some respect for yourself, “man”. Just because Mark Flynn kicked your teeth in last week doesn’t mean you’re not at least a test for me. A test I’ll pass with flying colors but a test nonetheless.

“Another lie is I heard ya call yourself the "Greatest of All Time." That's a strange title to call yourself, man. Of All Time? Were you around when time began? Will you be around when time will decease?”

First of all, I think you need to brush up on your Stephen Hawkins before you start spouting your ‘time will die’ nonsense. Beyond that, the greatest wrestler of all time can be born at any time during history and they don’t need to be ever-present to take a hold of that claim. Wrestling as a sport didn’t even exist for the majority of known time, it’s a relative blip on the radar from a universal perspective, “man”.

It’s very possible that someone in the game today will end up being the greatest of all time, especially when you consider that Aidan Collins is participating. While I have called myself the greatest in passing, mainly using hyperbole, I’ve also mentioned repeatedly that I have some work to do. However, when I win the Universal Title in a few weeks, it will certainly cement the fact that I’m the greatest in XWF history since NO ONE has done what I’m about to do. You’re not going to see The Brand win the Universal Title in today’s XWF, nor will you see Steve Jason or Lee Stone. They don’t have the sack needed to attempt what I’m attempting. I also don’t give a fuck if you don’t know who those names are because it only confirms the fact that you’re an oblivious dipshit.

As far as confirming that I’m the greatest wrestler of all time, I realize that I’m going to do way more work than planting you with an Ice Pick that knocks you back to a time where your religious views were relevant. I didn’t say I was done once I held the Universal Title. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, cupcake.

"I mean, what's next? "Eli, you're hair is long. The only people that have long hair are rockstars or girls, and you're not a rockstar."

If I was going to make a comment on your hair, I’d talk about how greasy it is. Do you condition with splooge? Or do you take your hand after giving handies to the rest of the congregation and use the excess KY to slick it back? You look like a fucking bum who needs to wash your hair, I could give a rat’s ass if your hair was long. Look at my hair, it’s long as fuck right now… but I have the decency to shampoo it and care for it.

“Do ya know what Blizzards are, Aidan? They are a storm here one day and GONE THE NEXT!”

Wow, I didn’t realize this dumbass was a meteorologist. Beyond the fact that Blizzards can last longer than a day, I have to laugh at his attempt to portray my nickname as stupid. You do realize that I didn’t choose the name and it was given to me because of my style in the ring? I’m a cold, calculating motherfucker that suffocates my opponents in the ring. You can’t stop me and at the end of the day I will cover you for the 1, 2, 3.

What’s your nickname, the 2nd coming? How many false prophets have labeled themselves that over the last 2000 years? I’d say you’re more like the millionth coming but that’s a nickname reserved for your mom after the amount of loads she’s taken in the face.

“You spook people out and make people panic at the stores to gather food”

Yet again, talking about food. Do yourself and eat a twinkie before your promo so food isn’t on your mind when you’re trying to come off as some sort of tough guy. You’ll probably come out and denounce the fact that you have an eating problem but it’s painfully obvious. I don’t have to say shit and yet you ramble on about hot dogs and how Blizzards make people raid supermarkets… Like that ever happens. I think you’re just living out a fantasy where you raid a supermarket, stuffing rotisserie chickens underneath your titties.

“I've seen far more scarier things than a little prep trying to talk shit.”

Did you really just call me a “prep”? Are you still hanging onto high school, you pussy? In a way that makes sense and would explain your entire act. What’s next, are you going to call me a “jock”? A “stoner”? Those archetypes don’t exist for adults, kid. You need to let your experiences in high school go.

I can picture it now. Eli James would sit in the lunch room alone and stuff his face because his Aspergers prevented him from making friends or talking to girls. While he sucked the creme filling out of donuts, he would fantasize about being some sort of monster. He’d right the wrongs his life, he would get back at the high school QB for ramming his head into toilet water! He’d adopt the personality of a backwoods cult leader because that’s the scariest thing a 14 year old can come up with.

Eli James was a fucking dweeb.

“There's no desperation to find out who ya are, Aidan.”

Remember that he says this like ten times before fucking hoping onto his Windows 8 laptop and showing everyone the screen shot. This dude was literally so butt hurt by the things I said that he broke his character in order to show everyone what google says when you search my name. What kind of backwoods cult leader burns down a church and then goes on his computer to use Photoshop and Excel? What kind of monster has a goddamn Zune? Were you listening to the fucking Talking Heads when you were burning down that house? Who are you even contacting on Skype? RING RING, LUCIFIER, ELI JAMES WANTS TO CYBERSEX WITH YOU BY SPREADING HIS ASS ON WEBCAM. You tried to use that screen shot to make me look bad and the only thing that happened was that you revealed the fact that you have absolutely no idea how tabs or bookmarks work. Dumbass.

“When people hear the name Blizzard.. it won't be associated with Aidan Collins. Nah, man. It's gonna be associated with a few snow sprinkles that were lit on fire by Eli James.”

Now homeboy over here is a goddamn chemist. Beyond the horrible syntax that makes this comment make little-to-no sense… I have to ask, seriously, how does one set “a few snow sprinkles” on fire? Is this another sorry ass attempt at a metaphor? I have to say man, your horrible hot dog metaphor blew this one out of the water. Maybe you should stick with the food metaphors… I’m sure people on Reddit would love to call you Le Hot Dog Man. It could be your new thing! Instead of pretending to be some cult leader, you can come to the ring throwing Oscar Meyers wieners into the audience

I mean, shit, you spent your entire promo eating anyway. I really had no intention to talk about your food habits this entire promo but you literally gave me no choice. Seriously, what kind of complains about being called fat while weighing 400 pounds and eating during their entire promo? You were just asking for it. I don't give a shit that the snack was bread and wine just to give the appearance of religiousness. Food is food and you were ingesting mad carbs.

“The rayne storm left... I guess it's time for the blizzard to follow.”

So deep. Much wisdom. Confucius say that blizzard follow rain storm and hot dogs. Yummy yummy hot dogs.

Is that really how you end promos? Here, I’ll do you a favor and show you how a PRO does it.

Eli James, this Monday Night will go a long way in showing the world the direction which the XWF is heading. You represent the new guard trying to establish the fact that the XWF is the best it has ever been. Our own Universal Champion considers you his biggest threat and he handpicked you to face me. I represent the storied past of this company, the greatest representative of what the XWF used to stand for. Am I brash? Arrogant? You’re damn straight I am because, unlike you, I know exactly who I am and what I’m capable of. Your descriptions of me are all guess work while I’ve seen you lose in that same ring we will be fighting in no longer than a week ago.

I look at you and see a fraud. I see someone who’s desperately trying to create an image of toughness that you’re incapable of backing up. I see someone who’s ashamed of who they really are and I see a façade that’s crumbling. You slipped up last week and once there is a crack in an institution’s foundation, the institution is FUCKED. I saw how Mark Flynn took advantage of your weaknesses and I’m going to exploit those same flaws. You better hope you’re able to adapt because otherwise you’re looking at a whole world of hurt.

I don’t play games when it comes to the wrestling ring and I certainly don’t tarnish my reputation by losing to overrated assclowns that can’t get the job done. You’ve had months to prepare for this match but you’re woefully unprepared. Mock my name all you want but you’re unprepared to handle the storm. I’d use my classic catch phrase and say that you’re going to “feel the freeze” but the fact of the matter is you’re just going to feel my fist rattling off the side of your skull, knocking the firm realization that the King of the XWF has returned. Do yourself a favor and don’t show up, Eli. Otherwise, I’m going to beat you until you’re goddamn .

Truth Until Death.