The camera opens up to Aidan Collins standing in front of table located in a parking lot in Atlanta, Georgia. On the table is a giant bucket and a big bag of ice.

Aidan Collins: Now, I’m not sure if anyone in the XWF has enough friends to have created a Facebook account… But for those of you that actually do, I’m sure you’ve seen the ALS Ice Bucket challenge videos that have been being posted like crazy for the last week. The whole point is that, if you’re nominated, you’re supposed to either donate 100 dollars to an ALS foundation or you have dump a bucket of ice water on the top of your head. If you complete the challenge, you’re allowed to nominate some friends and they have to complete the challenge themselves! Well, it turns out that I’ve been nominated by my good friend, George Clooney. Of course, since I’m so goddamn compassionate, I’m going to do this challenge… and that means I get to nominate a few of my friends!

Aidan smiles.

Aidan Collins: So I’m going to nominate Drake Komodo, Kanye West, Barack Obama, Homer Simpson, that Indian guy that works at the local gas station, Steve Sayors, that raccoon that keeps eating garbage from my garbage can, and Eli James. Eli James isn’t my friend but he’s desperately in need of a bath...

Well, here goes nothing!

Aidan looks at the materials in front of him and plans how he’s going to go about completing the challenge. First, Aidan pulls out a Monopoly thimble from inside the bucket. He then fills it halfway with the water from a warm Dasani bottle he found on the floor of his Lambo. Grabbing the ice bag, he takes one snowflake-sized ice shaving and places it in the thimble.

Aidan Collins: Oh, man, this is going to be freezing!

Aidan dumps the thimble on his head and appears to go into a seizure from the insane coldness of a tablespoon of chilly water being poured on him.

Aidan Collins: Brrrr! I think I’m going to get hypothermia! But it was all worth it because I did my part in curing Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Today I consider myself the greatest man on the face of the Earth! Now those people listed have to complete the challenge themselves or they’re going to burn up in the fiery flames of hell! Or get ALS, I’m not sure how any of this works.

The camera shuts off quickly and when it comes back Aidan is completely dried off. He addresses the camera.

Aidan Collins: The fact that I just did the ALS Ice Bucket challenge is just more proof that I’m a better person than Eli James.

I know what he’ll probably say, that morality is subjective and has no place in determining who the better wrestler is. Well, the XWF fans deserve to have someone like me who represents their collective good will. I’m someone that the entire world can be proud of. Additionally, I will use my power as the next Universal Champion to raise money for all sorts of good causes. I promise you that if I become Universal Champion, we will eradicate cancer, ebola, chicken pox, erectile dysfunction, and every other disease that’s important to get rid of! If Eli James even tries to defeat me, it just goes to show that he supports tumors, shit in blood, itchy skin, and limp cocks. What a jerk!

Eli might say that I’ve completely wasted my time by paying for a bucket and ice instead of donating money to the cause. Well, dumbass, the whole point is to raise AWARENESS... Raise awareness in the fact that I’m such a good person that cares so much about the cause. It doesn’t matter if I’ll forget about this in two weeks, the fact that I recorded this video means that I’ll be able to look back whenever I want and be reminded that I’m such a good person! It shows that not only do I have friends to nominate me but also it shows that I’m willing to do good things if it’s at my own convenience.

Aidan looks smug as fuck.

Aidan Collins: You know, as much as I love wrestling and stomping in the side of dudes’ heads… I’m a little disappointed this week because I also love back and forth trash talk before a big fight. The only thing better than whooping some scrub’s ass is telling him just how I’m going to do it beforehand. Even though Eli James has been all over XWF television the last couple of months, it seems that he has disappeared off the face of the Earth the last week. Because of that, I haven’t had the chance to disprove every BS claim he’d attempt to toss at me.

What I guess it goes to show is that he’s totally butthurt after losing his match last week and that he’s come to the conclusion that I’m about to whoop his ass all over the Dirty Dirty, A-T-L. That’s a conclusion that’s rooted in reality because that’s exactly what’s about to happen but I wish he was a little more arrogant because that would be more fun for me. For example, if I was facing Peter Gilmour, he’d attempt to throw out all sorts of dated insults and then I’d reveal him to be a permavirgin manchild with a shitty taste of music and dumb face. But since Eli James has smartly refused to address me, I’m going to have basically give him a pass. Where I won’t give him a pass is inside the ring because I absolutely have to make an example out of him. He didn’t choose to face me and he’s practically a sacrificial lamb being led to slaughter… but what are you going to do? People levied entirely too much respect towards him and he’s the unfortunate son of a bitch that’s going to have to pay for their unrealistic expectations.

While I don’t expect to get all the respect I deserve after beating Eli this Monday, mainly because the XWF roster is, for the most part, too dumb to know what’s best for them… There’s going to be a seed implanted in every roster member’s head that I am absolutely not someone to be fucked with. Or maybe if certain wrestlers are brazen, it will put a target on my back. Either way, the fact that I’m STILL the most talented wrestler in the XWF will start to be confirmed. And it will be absolutely confirmed when I roll into Relentless and beat on Morbid Angel relentlessly. The Universal Title will be returned to the place it belongs, around my waist, and the XWF will start to rise to the heights that it’s capable of!

Truth Until Death