"Rallying the troops. Rallying the troops to fight for me. What can I do? I'm no general, I did align with Theo and fight through the thick and thin of things at World War X, no I lay on a sofa watching reruns of What's Happening while that went on. Not because I'm a coward, but because I just got out of a coma, and What's Happening is good TV. Any man who hasn't seen it hasn't lived. But What's Happening did not prepare me for leading Jasmine and Zoey into battle. No, and Dynasty Warriors didn't either. How can a game series so good, and full of battles be so shit at preparing me for one? Here I am, in my debut as a Team Leader in the XWF, and I'm going face to face with a team of nearly unstoppable, and 1/3 Cinnamon Scented, juggernauts. No, I'm sorry, 2/3 of that team is pussies. Not one positive thing can be said for them, except Cinnamon. He's love.
But these thoughts do nothing to help me lead my team, and force them to victory. I must dig deep down into my very core to find the words, and the actions needed to encourage my team to speak up and destroy the people. I can only do so much, I mean there's 15 other people in this contest, and I can only take on 7 of them. I'm not an army, I can't do everything. If I could, I wouldn't have reached out to Jasmine, or Zoey. Maybe Zoey, she's cute and seems useful. Not that I'm thinking about not marrying Sarah, but a man's gotta be able to look at other hoes to appreciate the ho he about to marry. It's not like Zoey's as cute as Sarah, and I doubt Zoey could triple herself like Sarah can. I dunno, maybe, I know I could if I was slapping my balls on Zoey's ass. Look, I'm digressing harder than Peter when he sees a buffet, none of this will help me lead them to certain glory. For me. They'll be forgotten in time. I promise it. No one even remembers who actually got the winning elimination at World War X, we just remember Theo, in all of his glory and splendor, leading his team to victory. No one remembers the name of the pilots who bombed Japan, they just remember Truman hitting Japan with a LolNope. Fuck. I need help with this.
I need to go to my dad's favorite speaker of all time. Lt. General George Patton. How did he inspire people?
Patton Said:No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.
Wow. No, that won't inspire them much. I'm not killing anyone this week. Maybe he has something else.
Patton Said:The very thought of losing is hateful to Americans. Battle is the most significant competition in which a man can indulge.
Yes! This is the one! Except one of my partners is from New Zealand, and they don't fight anyone, except the Sheep when they try and fuck them. Stupid Kiwis, the trick is too distract the Sheep until you slip it in. I use a carrot on a stick. Or a picture of Big Bird raping Elmo. Goddamn, none of this is helping me. I wish Theo was here, he'd tell me what I need to do. Wait, I've got it. I'll get fucking trashed and Theo will come to me as a Force Ghost. It's how Luke spoke to Yoda and Ben Kenobi, got this is flawless logic."
Hours later. Frodo hasn't moved, he's still seated on the sofa watching Animal Planet's "My Cat from Hell."
"Well, that didn't go well. I just watched 3 hours of people's cats being assholes. What was that supposed to teach me? Oh, I've got a few ideas. If we lose, I will kill cats in front you until you feel bad. How many will it take? One cat, two cats? Red Cats? Blue cats? Fuck, now I'm sounding like Dr. Seuss. Maybe I'll stuff cats down the pants of whoever does the worst in this tournament. But what if it's Zoey, I don't want to hurt her. This isn't fair. Someone needs to tell me what to do. I wish I wasn't facing Cinnamon, he'd be able to tell me something I can do. He's always good at this stuff. Fuck, what would Crack do in this situation? Oh, I know."
Frodo gets up, walks to the bathroom, takes off his clothes and begins to take pictures. Then he puts his pants on, and goes to the fridge and pulls out a Dos Equis and chugs it.
"That was fucking nasty, and I fail to see how me naked will inspire my team to victory. Oh, I know, I've got it. Listen up guys, if you don't start talking, and win us some gold, I will plant these videos on every electronic device you own. Don't think I can't do it, I have before, and I will again. When I worked for Google I once hacked my super's work computer and uploaded a bunch of transgender porn. It looked like he was browsing it at work and he got fired. Maybe I'll do that to you for fun, Jasmine. Doubtful, besties don't do that stuff to each other. Unless one friend entirely fucks up and costs the other friend gold. Do not fuck up and cost me gold, Jasmine. Or you'll wish I just put pictures of me on your computer. You'll be lucky if I don't post CP on there. Yeah, I made that threat to you. Fuck you, deal with it.
And you Zoey, what will I do to you if you fail me? It's simple, I'll paddle you. And by paddle I mean spank, open hand, bare assed. Either that, or we'll have a match, my rules, and you won't like them. I'll make sure you suffer if you fail me. We will walk into that arena as three random people, 2 of which are very attractive, and the third looks like a dog's asshole after a severe session of anal rape using KY Warming Gel, but we won't hold that against me, I can't help it. It's the meth makes me look that way. Anyway, we'll walk in as three random nobodies, and walk out as the new Trios Champs. Or I'm hunting you. And you won't like the end result. You can believe that. Ask Jasmine what I did to him when we fought because he got me mad."
Frodo gets up, pulls a rope, and the US Flag spreads down behind him. In its magnificent glory. Except a star is covered up. Sarah, who has been recording this for Frodo looks at the flag and counts the stars.
"Babe, I'm not going to question why you're talking about this Zoey so sexually, I'm not jealous, I got the ring. But why are there only 49 stars on that flag?"
"It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Ohio."
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
The following 1 user Likes Frodo mother fucking Smackins's post:![[Image: ZXX7HJw.png?1]](http://i.imgur.com/ZXX7HJw.png?1)
