When we last left our hero, Jon Plex, he was smack dab in the middle of a family dispute between mythological characters. Jon was simply wanting to find a competitive edge over Tony Santos in preparation for their match. His idea for building his strength ended in a near death experience with Muscles McGee. Now his plan for optimizing his speed almost cost him a trident through the heart, compliments of Michael “Poseidon” Phelps. It seems that no matter what poor Jon conjures up, it ends up not going to according to plan. Perhaps a little down time and delicious crab legs at the strip club will be enough for him to clear his mind of all these previous failures and get him back on the right track. Booties were clapping, dollar bills were raining and Lil Jon was serenading it all while Jon Plex and Todd Vincent feasted in the background on some tasty sea creatures.
Jon Plex I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.
Todd Vincent To be fair, the first thing anyone thinks of when they hear the words “crabs” and “strip club” aren't exactly appealing.
Jon Plex This damn things are delicious! Red Lobster needs to step their game up!
Todd Vincent I don’t think they’ll ever be able to compete against titties in your face while you eat.
Jon Plex This is true.
It is important to note that both men have pairs of double d titties bouncing just inches away from their faces as they chow down on their crab legs. While this may seem like a pleasing image, just imagine stretch marks and disproportionate aureoles dripping with crab leg juice swinging like wild tassels and plopping into each other like big meaty tidal waves against the shore.
Jon Plex Eww Mr. Scene, I’m trying to eat here!
Todd Vincent I've trained myself to tune out all the distractions.
Jon Plex Speaking of distractions, this TLC match on Warfare… I've got to come up with a way to get through it so I can start focusing all my time on my World Title match.
Todd Vincent Preferably something that doesn't involve us getting our asses kicked or dealing with Greek Gods, if you can help it.
Jon Plex Oh right, like that one was MY fault! You’re the one who had to go and get all jealous of Michael and the friendship we had! You ruined everything with your jealousy!
Todd Vincent Yeah, like I knew Phelps was freakin’ Poseidon and Lochte was his damn son!
Jon Plex Next time use Wikipedia stupid!
Todd Vincent How many times do I have to tell you that Wikipedia is not a valid source of information!? Anyone can put shit on there. Have you forgotten the time that you searched for information about the Civil War and it told you that is was fought between the Autobots and the Decepticons!?
Jon Plex The South and Megatron will rise again!
The scene cuts to 1865, on the forefront of the battlefield somewhere in Virginia.
General Optimus Prime I say again, surrender Megatron, and you will not be harmed!
General Megatron The North will not dictate our way of living! Even if I surrender to you today, I will never stop until I have enslaved all of mankind!
General Optimus Prime When that time comes, we’ll let Michael Bay decide our fate. For now you must answer to me!
General Megatron Then I accept your terms and declare victory, for now, to the North!
149 years later, we are back at the strip club in Lincoln, Nebraska where Jon Plex and Todd Vincent are finishing up their meal and having a few after dinner drinks.
Todd Vincent That was a weird flashback.
Jon Plex Hey, we've got to educate the fans as well as entertain them.
Todd Vincent Yeah, I’m about 100% positive that your idea of how the Civil War unfolded isn't historically accurate.
Jon Plex Are we really going to sit here and bicker about the past? First the gym, then the pool, and now the freakin’ Civil War!? How about you help me with the present so that we can look forward to the future?
Todd Vincent You sound like a damn Hallmark card.
Jon Plex You’re the one who got me all wrapped up in this. Bitching about how the XWF was making me compete in a TLC match just days before my title shot. Now you have to live with what you've created!
Todd Vincent Touché.
Jon Plex I mean, it’s not like I don’t think I won’t beat Tony Santos. That pretty much goes without saying. The dude struggled against Peter Gilmour. Word on the rumor wire is that Gilmour didn't even tap out. He was protecting himself against a deadly mosquito. Those little bastards carry West Nile, so you can never be too careful! I probably would have done the same thing.
Todd Vincent Yeah I don’t think you’ll have to keep coming up with harebrained ideas to avoid injury in your match. I also heard that Santos smokes like 15 packs of cigarettes a day. The dude must been a oxygen machine’s wet dream! There is no way he will have the ability to even climb a ladder without coughing up both his lungs, subsequently he will die right there in the ring while you claim victory.
Jon Plex You’re telling me that all the stupid shit we have been doing the last few days was all for nothing?
Todd Vincent Well I wouldn't say “all for nothing,” I’m sure the fans got some laughs at our misfortunes. However, it is true that Tony Santos has the health of one of those old people in Vegas who you always find at the penny slots for weeks at a time.
Jon Plex So in the end, my biggest ally wasn't strength or speed. It was cigarettes! You know after this is all said and done, I might make a go at the Tag Team Titles with a pack of cigarettes! I really like how those guys conduct business.
Todd Vincent Yeah…we’ll have to see about that.
Just then a really old lady with wrinkly, hanging skin and overly hair sprayed hair shuffles up beside Todd. She is dragging behind her an oxygen machine while she puffs on a Virginia Slim and begins grinding her replacement hip all over him.
Todd Vincent What the hell!? Excuse me!
Old Lady What’s the matter baby? You don’t want a good time from mamma?
Todd Vincent More like grand mamma!
Old Lady Don’t tell me you've never been with an older woman before? Shit, I got three times the experience of some of these little things!
Todd Vincent And one-third the teeth! I think I’ll have to pass, thanks.
Old Lady Look here sonny! Either you’re going to let me set me tits on your shoulders while you slip some cash down my depends or you’re going to have problems!
Todd Vincent What are you going to do? Hit me with your hurry cane? Throw you pill counter at me? Get lost granny!
The Old Lady just smiles and climbs back on to her scooter and drives away.
Todd Vincent What the hell was that all about?
Jon Plex I don’t know dude, but I don’t think she was kidding about the trouble part!
Todd Vincent Huh?
Plex is referring to the very large biker dude who is approaching Todd as they speak. He is your typical bald headed, handlebar mustache, <3 Mom tattoo having biker with a mean attitude, but a soft spot for sunsets.
Biker Which one of you sorry sons of a bitches is too good for my mamma’s lap dance!?
Todd Vincent I believe you have the wrong table sir.
It does Todd no good to lie, because Plex has wasted no time in pointing his finger at him while he looks away innocently.
Biker So… you must think you’re hot shit huh? Mr. Fancy pants! Come into a strip club and too good to pay a hard working woman for her services. Maybe an all-male club would suit you better!
Todd Vincent Sir, I assure you that I meant no disrespect. It’s not a matter of your mother’s age or appearance. I’m simply here for the crab legs.
Biker If you wanted crab legs then take your ass to Red Lobster!
Jon Plex They don’t have the titties though! Right Todd?
Biker Titties huh!?
Todd Vincent OK…look man give me a break! I mean how many actual lap dances does your mother rake in? I can’t be the only one who has rejected her offers.
Biker That’s not even the point asshole! It’s Mother’s Day and you couldn't even swallow your pride for a few measly minutes to make her feel special!
Todd Vincent Oh shit! I had completely forgot about Mother’s Day. I’m sorry, I feel terrible!
Biker Then you’ll pay for a lap dance from her?
Todd Vincent Well…now I didn't say that…
The Biker starts cracking his knuckles as the scene fades to black. We pick back up with Plex and Todd as they are paying for their meal and lap dances. Yes, Todd got three lap dances from the old lady because he is a disgusting pervert who gets off on that kind of stuff!
Todd Vincent Shut up! What was I suppose to do? Let that biker pummel me!?
Jon Plex Well now that my belly’s full and you have herpes, what is next on the agenda?
Todd Vincent I suppose we could…HEY! I don’t have fucking herpes!
Jon Plex Let me guess, that old bag of bones told you that she had a cold sore?
Todd Vincent …shit!
Jon Plex Look, I’m not judging you, just stay away from my toothbrush you sick bastard!
Todd Vincent Nothing a little Carmex won’t clear up!
Todd can deny it all he wants, but we all know the truth! Just like we all know the truth about Tony Santos now. No man who smokes fifteen packs a day can possibly stand a chance against a perfect athletic specimen such as Plex. The lung comparisons alone are lopsided. By the time Tony makes it down to the ring, he will be so out of breath that he’ll probably be counted out. It’s been scientifically proven that heavy smokers are less able to function at a high level of that of their nonsmoking counterpart. Tony Santos better read a health magazine and come to terms with his own self destruction.
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