Opening Sting


Since this is my first promo I've done since WWX I suppose some of you expect me to piss and moan about how I was eliminated from that match huh brahs? I suppose you also expect me to make up some excuses to downplay what happened right before I was eliminated right? Something similar to what a great man once said "I wasn't tapping out, I was swatting at roaches". If that's the case, I suppose some of you don't know a motherfucking thing about me, do ya brahs? I have never and will never be one of these egomaniacal autofellatio aficionados who are so fixated on giving off the appearance of perfection that they go right back to singing their own praises and sucking their own cocks no matter how man times you slap it out of their mouths. That's not how I'm wired brahs, fuck putting on a front and making up excuses, I don't have time for that shit. Who the fuck do I look like? Morbid Angel? Nigga is you crazy? He has better roids than I do, obviously. So what happened at WWX? Mandii Rider caught me, wrapped herself around my arm like a little fucking spider monkey and I couldn't get her off.











NOT ME GOD DAMN IT! NOT ME! However I guess there's a first time for everything, shit happens, what else is there to say? I tapped but got saved by the bell like Dustin Diamond. No I didn't know the bell was about to ring, all I knew was my god damn motherfucking arm hurt like bitch. Let her put you in that shit brahs. Now I should have moved on to the third round of WWX, SHOULD have. The only problem is that Mandii Rider decided to cheat like the fucking cheater that she is.... GOD DAMN CHEATING ASS SLUT WHORE CUNT SUCKING SCROTUM TWIRLING PUBE MUNCHING CHEATER!













Nah I'm kidding but your actions at WWX did give me the weirdest boner and I understood for the first time what it is my son sees in you besides his dick when he's thinking about you while he's in the shower. Seriously, you should see my fucking water bills and clogs for that matter. Getting back on track, Mandii, you my lady are a world class cheater, keep up the good work. In case anybody is wondering if I'm being sarcastic right now or not I'll go back to what I said earlier, you don't know a motherfucking thing about me. Brahs, if I had Mandii in the same position as she had me in then you better fucking believe that I would have done the exact same thing that she did without hesitation. Come on brahs, I HAD A TAG PARTNER AND WE DRESSED EXACTLY ALIKE SO WE COULD CHEAT! That punk bitch Lucena ain't got nothing on me! At the end of the day the only thing that matters are results and Mandii Rider got them.













HOWEVER, she won the battle and not the war brahs. Whoa there is that the old dick of doom creeping into my mouth? I don't think so because can you honestly look at WWX and say that I didn't do my job? Supernova and I were put into the match when we were in case the biggest failure in the multiverse did what he was famous for and wouldn't you know it, he fell flat on his fucking face just like always. Eli's team was able to strike first and deliver a huge blow to Theo's team, they cut us deep, hit an artery, and if we weren't careful we would have ended up bleeding out. Enter Scorpio and Supernova who went into a four on two situation and kept the blow that Eli's team dealt in the first round from turning fatal. My work keeping Radio's mess from getting out of hand was apparently so good that it earned me a 24/7 briefcase. A briefcase that I'm going to lube up with Gilly tears and slide right up my ass for safe keeping.











See brahs, I have no fucking idea when it became all he rage to work hard, earn a briefcase, and then do absolutely nothing with it. However you better believe that I'm not going to do that. Maybe everybody else who has a briefcase is scared of what comes spilling out of the mouths of all the weak minded fuckwits who aren't even good enough to earn a briefcase of their own. You know who I mean, cunts like Tony Santos who equate cashing in a briefcase to thievery and getting a cheap win. If that's the case then let me be clear on this, if any of the current briefcase holders feel that way then I have a solution for you. GIVE ME YOUR BRIEFCASE! I give zero fucks about how Santos or anybody else feels about cashing in a briefcase, I will cash them motherfuckers in all day, every day until I have every title in the XWF! At which point I will have them all melted down into gold rims for my Camaro just so that on top of hearing you pussys bitch about how I got the titles, I could also hear you bitch about how I'd be "disrespecting" them too. Look into my eyes as I say this you holier than thou twat waffles, fuck you, fuck your opinion, and if whatever "champion" I cash in on is truly a good champion then my "thievery" won't fucking matter now will it?











Better yet brahs, if you want to classify cashing in a briefcase as thievery or a cheap win then surely you classify winning by a count out, disqualification, breaking the rules, or having any rule broken by somebody else on your behalf the same way. Now tell me this, when was the lest time somebody refused to take a "tainted" win like that? FUCKING NEVER THAT'S WHEN! So anybody against cashing in briefcases, if you could go ahead and seppuku yourselves with a giant dildo, that'd be great. With all that being said, the last time I earned a briefcase it took me less than a month to have the XWF Title around my waist and it has already been over a month since I got my briefcase this time around. What that basically means is that it's about time somebody gets raped for their title but who will it be brahs? Mandii, Hogan, Sawyer, Erebus, Elisha? Not only that but when will it be? Could I be cashing in on whoever wins between Hogan and Lesnar on Monday Night? Could I be cashing in on whoever wins between Mandii and.... Check that... Could I be cashing in on Mandii after she beats McBride? Perhaps, all I can say for now is that each and every champion in the XWF better make sure that they don't slip up because as soon as any of them do, I'll be there ready to walk away with their title.











I guess I should talk about my match on Warfare now right brahs? First of all Frodo has been running his mouth saying that I got my ass kicked by a ten year old. Brah that ten year old would eat you for breakfast, you're about the size of one of his legs. Aside from that, in case you weren't paying attention which you obviously weren't, I beat the shit out of that big harry bastard! I have receipts from the hush money.... I mean settlement money.... I had to give his family to prove it! Still, even if I actually would have gotten my ass kicked by a ten year old, who the fuck are you to question it brah? Don't you have a loss to Peter Gilmour on your record? I don't give a flying fuck if you actually laid down for him or not, YOU HAVE A LOSS TO PETER "CHICKEN PARM KING" GILMOUR ON YOUR RECORD! That's basically the equivalent of losing to a eight year old..... In a wheel chair..... With no arms! If that wasn't enough to shut you the fuck up then please for the love of god stop snorting the vials of Bailey Jay's ass sweat that you bought off Ebay for one second and look at yourself. Okay, now look at me brah. Do you see the difference? Of course you don't because you're probably blitzed out of your mind right now with your dick jammed in a killer whales blow hole or something. However if you were sober and weren't fucking some unsuspecting animal then you would see a former and FUTURE champion when you look at me. Meanwhile when you look at you, you'll see somebody who has been pretty fucking insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong brah, you've sucked a lot of dick, you've fucked a lot, you've been fucked a lot, and you've done a lot of drugs..... BUT THAT'S IT!!!!! Honestly brah what the fuck else have you done besides that? Lost against Peter Gilmour? Yeah I brought that up again because I still can't fucking get over it, I beat the pants off that knuckle dragging neanderthal, literally. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah you apparently thought that you could use some help improving so you decided to stagger on down to the developmental show... WHERE YOU FUCKING LOST! Oh don't get me wrong Frodo we all know those losses don't count as XWF losses but have a little bit of perspective for once will ya brah. This is the situation you're in, FORMER AND FUTURE XWF CHAMPION VS DEVELOPMENT SHOW LOSER! For Christ's sake brah, you can't even keep your kids from fucking each other. I'm better than you at every fucking aspect of life not just wrestling but you've got some shot at beating me in this fast food brawl? I want some of the shit you're on, no really that's not a joke, I want some of that shit.














5/1/2014


Our scene opens as we see Scorpio slaving away in the kitchen making dinner for his sons like the epically awesome father that he is. By "making dinner" we mean he bought Wendy's and by "slaving away" we mean he's pouring the contents of the bags onto three separate plates and by "epically awesome father" we mean at least his kids aren't dead or fucking each other. That counts for something right? RIGHT? Of course it does, now that we've got all that cleared up.... Scorpio finishes positioning the food on plates. On one plate which is obviously Scorpio's there is two triple stacks with fries and a large vanilla frosty sits right beside it on the tablet. The other two plates both have the same thing on them, 10 chicken nuggets, fries, and a large soda sits beside each plate. Scorpio now places knives and forks beside each plate because that's how sophisticated motherfuckers eat their Wendy's and Scorpio's family are sophisticated motherfuckers. Scorpio now sighs as he gazes at the beauty he sees in front of him. It's almost enough to bring a tear to your eye and not in the same way that getting a whiff of Soupcan O'Malley will bring a tear to your eye. Good fucking lord, have you smelled that guy? He smells like a combination of piss, booze, Doritos, and shame. Anyway after looking at how perfect the feast is that he laid out, Scorpio takes a deep breath and yells....


Scorpio: DINNER TIME!



The mini version of Scorpio known as Chuck Jr. comes strolling into the kitchen, face paint, sparkly jacket, and all. Soon after the one you would point to if you were playing a game of "one of these things is not like the others" comes walking in. That's right Scorpio's nerdy son, Alex. Scorpio now gets ready to sit down when suddenly the giant space scorpion known as Giggles comes scuttling across the kitchen ceiling. Scorpio arches his eyebrows and points to the other room as he speaks.


Scorpio: How many times have I told you, NO GOD DAMN SCORPIONS IN THE KITCHEN!


Giggles: This is bullshit, you're discriminating against me because of my species!


Scorpio: You're a giant bug from space, name me one person, ONE PERSON who let's giant bugs into their kitchen much less ones from space.


Giggles: Japanese people.


Scorpio: You're right, they do.... TO EAT THEM! Plus Asian people don't count anyway.


Giggles: YOU'RE A RACIST! No wait, you're a racist and a speciesist! I'm getting sick of your speciesism, FIGHT THE POWER!


BZZZZT!


Scorpio pulls the controller for Giggles shock collar out of his pocket and presses it resulting in Giggles falling from the ceiling to the kitchen floor where he convulses uncontrollably.


Scorpio: Sure you can fight the power, just not in the kitchen.


Scorpio releases the button and Giggles scurries away talking under his breath. Scorpio then places the controller down on the kitchen table before joining his two sons in the feast he prepared... er... bought.


Scorpio: How is the food lil brahs?


Chuck Jr: As good as coming home to find Ann Thraxx naked, spread eagle on your bed.


Alex starts coughing and almost chokes on one of his chicken nuggets but quickly downs some of his soda to avoid death by nugget.


Alex: Were you raised in a barn? Don't talk about disgusting stuff like that at the table, I almost projectile vomited everywhere.


Chuck Jr: It's not my fault you're too immature to appreciate a real lady like Ann.


Alex: No, just no. If you want a lady look no further than the current XWF X-treme Champion and champion of my heart, Mandii.


Chuck Jr: Brah, she farted in Sid Feder's face, what kind of "lady" does that?


Alex: LIES! She did nothing of the sort you bug-eyed cretin! Even if she did, Sid Feder would be honored, HONORED! I'd drag my sack through thirty miles of legos just to get a whiff of her sweet anal fragrance.


Scorpio wipes a tear from his eye and sniffles causing both of his sons to stare directly at him.


Chuck Jr: What's wrong with you brah?


Scorpio: It's just... It's just.... It's good to know that I've raised you boys right and that you know what's important in life.


BANG!


Chuck Jr suddenly just passes out hitting his head on the table.


Scorpio: What the hell?


BANG!


Now Scorpio also passes out hitting his head on the table as well.


Alex: Sorry guys, it had to be done.


Giggles comes crawling across the kitchen ceiling yet again.


Giggles: Yeah! How do you like that shit you speciesist bastard, I'm in the kitchen now bitch!


Giggles walks around in circles on the ceiling while holding his pincers out as if to say "what".


Alex: Good job Giggles, I wouldn't have been able to drug their drinks without you causing a diversion but...


BZZZZT!


Alex grabs the controller to Giggles shock collar off of the table and presses it causing the familiar scene of Giggles falling from the ceiling to the floor while being electrocuted to happen yet again.


Alex: STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!


Alex releases the button and a seemingly depressed Giggles exits the kitchen. Alex then pulls out a cell phone and begins dialing a number as the cameras fade to black.

Awesomeness Achieved


1x XWF (World) Champion


1x XWF Tag Champion (with Frodo)


1x XWF X-treme Champion


16x XWF Heavymetal Weight Champion (UFO / Ark)


Two Month Long UFO/ARK/HMW Title Reigns


Longest (personal) Reign 11/12/14 - 12/18/14


Reigning Bra And Panties King


Donkey punched your mother!


Banged Rose Smith Repeatedly


Seriously Brah I Did


Said it was the best she ever had


And she could feel it in her spine


Scorpin Master!


AAOOOOOOOOWW!!!


I'm pinning the Witch Doctor So Hard Right Now


Would you pin me?


I'd pin me.





#DickToFaces