Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

John Samuels · (04-01-2014)

This is a public service announcement, paid for by the John Samuels foundation to keep homosexuality off our tv screens and away from our children.

Ann Fairchild: “Hello folks, my name is Ann Fairchild and I am the personal assistant of John Samuels. I’m here today to discuss with you the blatant, disgusting sensationalizing of the homosexual agenda, as pushed upon us by members of the professional wrestling group The Black Circle. It has come to our attention that this raucous group of homosexuals have used an upcoming wrestling match as a platform to peddle their immoral views on sexuality. Senator Samuels and I both find this to be reprehensible and frankly irresponsible. It is our duty as entertainers to provide a product for the whole family to enjoy, but what Sebastian Duke, John Madison and NAZI have presented to us the disgusting message that it’s okay to be gay. Don’t believe me? We’ve compiled snippets from these promos, to show you exactly what The Black Circle is peddling. Please be warned, the following will be disgusting, immoral, poorly thought out, and just plain wrong. Viewer discretion is advised:

Quote:John Madison: "You better not fuck up my shit hole, Duke!"

Quote:Nazi: Duke, really. Don't do…

Quote:Duke: This is how we bond!

Quote:John Madison: "Uhhhhhh."

Quote:Duke: What smells like shit?

Quote:John Madison: Yeah!

Quote:NAZI: "John, cut that shit out!"

Quote:Duke: Shut up, Nathaniel.

Quote:John Madison: "Ow! "

Quote:John Madison: Yeah!

Quote:Nazi: Well, you know what's coming next.

Quote:Madison: God damn Adolf, I can't fucking hear you over Anal

Quote:Duke: Hows it taste?

Quote:John Madison: That's um. That's pretty fuckin' sweet right there.

Quote:NAZI: "Is this necessary, John? Stop doing this, now."

Quote:Duke: Thanks John.

Quote:NAZI: How did this become my life?

Quote:Duke: Shut up, Nathaniel.

Fairchild: “And there we have it, these disgusting individuals trying to pollute the minds of our children, our future generations will forever be able to access this disgusting show of pro-sodomy sentiment. But luckily for us, America, we have a man on the inside. A man with true convictions and morals, who isn’t afraid to stand up to these liberal bullies and say ‘Mr. Gay! Your lifestyle might be okay in places like England and France, but here in the good ol’ US of A, we won’t tolerate your embrace of the abomination that is homosexuality!’ and that man is Senator John Samuels, a former champion in the XWF, and a current beacon in the dark. Please welcome my close, personal friend Mr. John Samuels.”

John Samuels walks into the frame, with his jacket slung over his shoulder and a wide, toothy grin on his face. He shakes Fairchild’s hand and gives her a hug before she exits the frame. Samuels sits on the corner of his desk, folds the jacket over his arm and gives a thumbs up to the camera.

Samuels: “Hello friends, as I’m sure many of you know, my name is John Samuels and I currently happen to be the biggest star in the XWF. Now, I know it’s a sin to be boastful--but in this instance it’s an actual fact.”

Samuels quickly holds up a piece of paper that seemingly has no words written on it.

Samuels: “There you have it: John Samuels is the number one guy in the XWF. And as such, I feel like it is my responsibility, as both a Texas state senator and a juggernaut of the professional wrestling industry, to spread the message that what’s been going on before your eyes is wrong. It’s immoral, it’s dirty, it’s sinful--but don’t fret, it’s also fixable. You see, this coming Wednesday I will show the world what prayers and ethics can do by teaming with a couple heathens to take down The Black Circle and other groups of equally vile individuals to win the XWF trios titles. Three prestigious titles that signify that….

Okay, seriously? Can we just cut this shit out? Who the fuck is gonna believe that I give two shits about these trios titles? I highly doubt Team CrazyDyke even remembers where they put their damn title belts. And who the fuck is writing this script? Seriously, the ‘prestigious’ trios titles? Where the fuck are we hiring our writers from? Graduates of the Sebastian Duke School of standing around like a useless sack of shit while they get made fun of by even more useless sacks of shit? I can’t fucking believe I’m stuck here talking about the goddamn Black Circle like they’re some relevant thing once again. And they’re not even the dumbest collection of turds in the match!”

Samuels puffs out his chest and holds his arms out wide.

Samuels: “Me Brock Lesnar! Me like protein! Me have tattoo of giant dick on my chest for some reason! Give me a fucking break, Brock Lesnar? He’s about as useful as wet toilet paper after Taco Bell breakfast. And I know this one first hand, we were in the ‘Axis’ together. What a fucking joke he was, he couldn’t even properly ride my coattails, the stupid bum. Oh! Oh! And then you’ve got the W-w-waterboy on his team! No fucking kidding! It’s Bobby Boucher underneath that stupid mask of Elisha’s. It’s insane to me that a halfway talented guy like Mr. Supernova lost to a guy that took a nasty fall off the evolutionary ladder. I’m not even gonna touch that part where he said something about ‘eating mommy good,’ disgusting little freak. And then there’s anonymous. What can I possibly say about Anonymous?

Nothing. Literally. Too worthless to pay attention to. I see his face on my tv screen and my stomach churns so I change the channel.

Who else? Who… else… Oh there’s that Diaz girl! She practically begged me to make fun of her for being a rugmuncher with a spic name, but to be honest I could care less. She’s a psychotic bitch and I really don’t hate those that much, until they decide their mouths are better suited for talking than sucking. This match is in the bag, the only way we could lose is if… Oh, God… she is in this match. Alexandra Callaway… Fuck! How do we beat the great and powerful Alexandra Callaway!? Conqueror of such legends as Caliban, swallower of multiple penises, bottomless cum dumpster extraordinaire! Maybe we’ll get lucky and one of the fans pulls out their dick, it’s well documented that she must violently pounce on any exposed cock within a six mile radius. The same holds true for NAZI, as long as said penis belongs to John Madison. It’s almost like NAZI is a tiny little fetus and Madison’s little dangler is it’s umbilical chord. Disconnect NAZI from it and he probably dies. Man, why am I even in this match? Axle King lost to Wyatt. Morbid Angel lost to Enigma. Sebastian Duke lost to Griffin MacAlister.

Samuels bursts into laughter.

Samuels: “Sorry, that one will always be funny to me. Anyways… John Madison lost to Theo. NAZI lost to the game of life itself. I’m in a match with a bunch of fucking losers! I don’t belong here, I’m better than each of my opponents and twice as good as my teammates! Maybe I can convince those two idiots not to show up so I can claim all three belts to myself. I'll immediately melt them down, sell the gold and donate it to John Madison to remove that tumor that continually tries to live inside his asshole that we all affectionately refer to as NAZI. Maybe I'll throw a couple bucks at Duke so he can buy a book on naming children, because what the fuck kind of name is Thaddeus? That's just dooming the kid to be a toothless cousin fucker, straight out of the womb. I could stand here and rip apart all these assholes until I was blue in the face, but let's face facts here. The Black Circle is a shell of what they used to be. The CrazyMexiDykes aren't far behind. Unless Callaway figures out how to use that gaping mantrap of hers as a pungi pit, her team isn't shit either. The Waterboy, Dickchest and whoever the fuck their parter is, aren't going to do anything of note. Hell, do we even need to show up to this match? I bet Morbid could take down this sad ass lot by himself. Oh yeah, almost forgot."

Samuels smiles to the camera and gives a slight wave.

Samuels: "I'm John Samuels, and I approve this message.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode It's how they bond.
Author	Message