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Clean Lucena · (04-01-2014)

- the image show the set of David Letterman, and the host is ready to present his new guest.. -

David Letterman: ... And today's guest is a wrestling star, he isn't know exactly by his white magic, if you know what I mean. It could hit a low blow or a eye poke sooner than Meltzer predict and inminent return... I don't really got this, but he said me to tell this joke. Well, here it comes, the new bad guy in wrestling and United States Champion at Xtreme Wrestling Federation, acompanied by his manager, The Biographer, weighing not that much... The Worst In The World, Cheat, Lucena!

- a music rocks the set -

- Cheat appears from nowhere meanwhile the orchestra with Schrader hits the New World Symphony, with the US title on his shoulder, gives a hand to Letterman, salutes the crowd and proceeds to sit down. By the way, he get almost no crowd reaction and the cheers looks forced as fuck -

Cheat Lucena: Well, I don't care, I don't know you, stupid people, either. By the way, Biographer could not come. He said me that he's legitimate afraid of Schaffer. Something about rape. No idea. This was not part of any kind of promo or anything... he's legitimate afraid by Shaffer, really, it's not part of the script. He's not afraid of coming with me inside a wrestling match where he could be ballkicked but he's afraid of David Letterman's show funny guy. Good choice, New Year Symphony... classic... whatever, a pleasure to be here David!

David Letterman: A pleasure to have you, Ernesto, that's your real name right?

Cheat Lucena: Yeah that's me. But I prefer Cheat. Cheat is a great name for someone that earns a life CHEATING, isn't it. And I'm that man.

David Letterman: Sure pal, so, what's exactly that, that you have in your shoulder. We're please to have a guy with success in the business.

Cheat Lucena: Yep, go and tell that to Dave Meltzer... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

David Letterman: Yeah, that's something I was going to ask you, who is Dave Meltzer?

Cheat Lucena: That's exactly what I was going to ask to everybody. Anybody knows who is Dave Meltzer? Really? Has anybody seen him? I think he don't even exist, he's just a fat guy sitted in a couch writting things. At least he agrees with me in the thing that I'm the Worst In The World. Hear me Meltzer, stop jerking off your tiny dick watching the smaller indy japanese wrestling company watching Takeshi Kitano vs El Hijo del Takakino only to rated it in your fucking stars system and do something important to your life as I do that's the better example that you can't call it a win if it's clean. If he takes his "success" in the wrestling reviews world as a win when only a few fat guys give them any importance, there is something wrong with your life. I don't care how much time your fellow pal Bryan Alvarez rates my matches screaming "Minus Five Star" in that podcast that only fat guys hear expecting that jerk off their dicks watching your stupid reports, I'm going to continue doing all those eye pokes again if I have the opportunity in my next title defense because I earn a title that way. Hey, Meltzer, who's the one that is at the moment the United States Champion? Mr. Radio or me? And the one who gave the advantage to his team at the World War X-Treme? It was Radio? It was you? No!!! It was the guy that didn't give a shit to entertain the people doing more than ten eye pokes during the match. And that's me. By the way, what's the point to give any kind of opportunity to the fucking warrior of the multiweirdos again? Do you bosses have any kind of fetishism with the guy? Don't you have realise that after ten eye pokes, and interference, numerous attempts of my manager to give me the victory and Sid interfering my match he has nothing to do against me? Continue giving opportunities to someone that doesn't earn it for a shit and... well... I'm taking longer and I don't want to bore this peop... I mean, really? an Elimination Chamber match? What kind of bosses are you? I feel totally disrespected. Sorry... I think I'm getting lost... what was the question?

- a shy laugh hits the ambient when Letterman looks "whoa" -

David Letterman: Oh, take a rest pal, hahaha. The original question was who is Dave Meltzer and you don't only didn't clearify at all that you were talking about your bosses... but anyway, what are you exactly trying to promote today because I really think you're not doing it pretty good.

Cheat Lucena: Promoting? Well, I suppose this Wednesday Warfare show. Or the entire company, X-Treme Wrestling Federation. Watch it, it's cool. Maybe you can find weird things like woman wrestler facing man, but as you more or less can imagine, they lose. I don't really know, they only told me: "Go there and try to not break anything because if that happens that goes on your account". So I'm trying to be as good as I can. But you can imagine how I can feel after being forced to defend my United States Title, the title that I fight so hard blinding Mr. Radio, the title that I almost didn't get time enough to accomodate on my shoulder, against five people. Five. You can imagine David, how hard that can be. Imagine that now that you're a long time established star, the man, now they say to you: "We're gonna bring Jay Leno, O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Greg Odenkirk..." and I don't know... well... "Ken Jeong to check if you're good enough to handle them". Imagine that, a Elimination Chamber between a great star as Ken Jeong having to prove that is funnier than any of the other guys. Shitty right? Well, the only difference between Ken Jeong and me in our compared situations are that even Ken Jeong would find some kind of competition with Odenkirk at the place... but me? Have you seen any of their promos? Buy a fucking life people! The fuck happen with my english! After all the great promos I cut the only critic that you can throw to my person is that I don't speak english? That's the worst thing of all? You're such a group of idiots! My english could not be the best, but compared to your attempts to verbally insult me, you all are laughtable person. I'm happy that I have the opportunity to kicks all of you in your balls... well... despite the case of Mandii. I just told that you can find women wrestling men in our company. Ok, David, ready to laught? They put a woman in the Elimination Chamber. How that sounds. Well, they put a woman, a black that hates blacks (shouldn't he be dead by suicide or something like that), a moustache, a man that the only thing we can see it's his helmet pretending to be mysterious and enigmatic and Ms Radio again. But I insist... a woman? What she can do? menstruate everywhere? pinning us after we fall for the blood on the mat? sweep the mat? I'm curious. I hope she don't even try to hit me because if that happens I'll feel free to hit a inferior animal. Hear me Mandii, don't even touch me at the match or I'll kick you in the crotch so hard that you're inferior lips would touch the superior ones in the first ever woman attempt to make a cunnilingus to herself and after that if you want you can denounce me for gender violence. The same goes for Ms. Radio. I always though he's a woman. So returning to the question, I think that's what I'm promoting, myself kicking people's groin. I don't really care about that bosses that ordered me defend my title against five people want me to be good at the show. Can I do my top ten about that? well... anyway is taped. And by the way...

David Letterman: Please Cheat, you're making a monologue and we have to cut to commercials... let me please tal...

Cheat Lucena: Archie, you've been a fool. Don't you even realise that Elimination Chamber has NO RULES! You're so clever. If what you wanted is me losing the title don't you think put a guy that the only thing that does in a ring is CHEAT isn't the best idea? I'll be eye poke-ing, low blowing as a champ that day, fool. Let me talk I have shit for everybody, YOU! Enigma! If there is anything in the world that I hate is people covering their faces. How ugly you are? I like to Cheat but I'm pretty good with my elbows on the match also, so LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!

David Letterman: Cheat! We have to...

- the ambient is getting violent and violent when Cheat talks getting a temper tantum and shouting one more time and David make a gesture like: "Let's try to cut this fucking idiot" -

Cheat Lucena: Shout up David! ENIGMA! You will end even more ugly after I destroy that helmet with you head inside with my elbows asshole! or maybe I just hit you what I call "Direct basectomy"

- two security guys enter in the scene, trying to take Cheat out of the image to let David talk -

David Letterman: Well, ladies and gentleman, he didn't behave like their bosses expected as you see

- as the moment the security guys reach Cheat... EYE POKE FOR BOTH! -

Cheat Lucena: You're nazis! You're fucking nazis! I was just talking!

- Cheat gets up when a more numbered group of security guys reach him with a gesture like "get ouf of my way" hide them luckily, when he starts to run to Schaffer... LOW BLOW!, Cheat just kicked Paul Shaffer's balls. The guy is writhing in the ground meanwhile ten bodyguards finally dominate the situation and take Cheat out of the place shouting "That's for you Bio!" and Letterman can be heared saying "Quick, cut to commercials"... and that's what happens -

It will continue! =)

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