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Smoke · (03-09-2014)

World War X-Treme. WWX. I gotta hand it to whoever was in charge of naming this pay-per-view to come up with the least imaginative name in existence. Not only has it got the lame-ass 'World War X' trope that probably took a shorter time to think up of than that freaking 'World War Z' shit that came out last summer (spoiler alert: Brad Pitt doesn't die. You can save yourself 2 hours and skip that film now. Buy a hot dog. Fuck some prostitutes. Make something of your life) but with the 'X' instead replaced with 'X-Treme'! Eh, whatever you gotta do to keep the whole 'X-Treme' theme rolling... by shoehorning it in absolutely anywhere you can. Hell, why don't you just throw in an X-Treme Title match to make the trifecta? 'The X-Treme Wrestling Federation presents: World War X-Treme! Featuring a contest for the X-Treme Championship' yadda yadda yadda. We get it guys, you spelled the word 'extreme' uniquely, and it's different from everyone else's, and it's better yeah yeah yeah I geddit. Just... Try and tone it down a bit.

But oh wait! We can't have a match for the X-Treme Championship because - not only is the X-Treme Champion not involved (which is always a good sign that the champion is a real keeper, but it's not about any championships for a fucking change. No, instead it's about the War! The X-Treme War to be exact (which is apparently a 'World War' but there's only like only like five different nationalities tops, if that. We need to get a new naming guy. At least Terminal Velocity sounds cool).

Instead of picking on co-workers who I probably won't ever knowingly encounter for the rest of my life, let's talk about the shit-stains I'll be in the ring with come Sunday. So if you've been living in a bomb shelter the past week or two (which I wouldn't be surprised at to be fair, given the current circumstances) you wouldn't know that there is a massive two team encounter going down, one that will decide the very fabric of the XWF itself (don't get torn up over that sentence, I didn't think about it very long).

Wait haven't we already done this shit? Danced this dance? Waltzed this tango? Black Circle vs. Brotherhood right? Right. But what's left of the Black Circle is John Madison and a bunch of action figures and what's left of the Brotherhood is a small sticky note with the words 'I'm so, so sorry' written on it, left on the fridge of the last gothic erotic store they had called their 'headquarters'. So what give? Why are we having two superpowers colliding again?

Because it's the XWF, that's why. Every fucker - be it the performers, the fans in the stadium, the guys watching at home masturbating at the mere mention of Rose Smith (go nuts big boys, I ain't one to judge) - every-fucking-one of them would have a damn heart attack if the biggest draw for any show ever was not some kind of stable storyline, with this particular flavour being that of The Congregation vs. The Company, which is what we have going on here.

Who are the Congregation? Those guys that nobody really gave a shit about until they took control? Okay, that's not fair, I gotta give credit where credit is due: did anybody - but the hipsters - really give a shit about The Congregation? ...Wait Mystica was part of the Congregation?! Who fucking knew!? I freaking didn't, and I goddamn fought that guy. Got my ass kicked by him but I still fought him and had no idea he was part of the Congregation!

The Company? Who? No seriously, who? Did they form when I was away? That was their name wasn't it? So is that shitty naming guy I was referring to earlier also working for Theo Pryce? Grrreat. And what's even greater is I chose to side with Theo. Was I shooting meth at the time I made that decision or someth--

-----DISCLAIMER-----
smokedoesnotendorseuseofmethamphetamineoranyotherillegalordangerousdrugofanykind
pleasedonotattempttopurchaseuseorresellanydrugofanykind
thankyouforreadingthismessageifyoudiditwithoutputtinginanyspacesyoudeserveacookie
acookiethatcontainsnodrugsormethamphetamineofanykind

--thing?! I gotta say, Theo, killing over 100,000 innocent Japanese civilians isn't my least favourite

thing you've done these past couple of weeks, because while you are in fact a terrible terrible person for letting such a thing happen on your own damn property, you're also one blind mother fucker who just ruined this damn match for us. Just two days ago I said I had the intention of being the first into the damn match, even before the whole US Title stipulation was even conceived. I laid my head on a platter and all you had to do was throw it at the fucking enemy and then bish-bash-bosh, Team Theo (I refuse to call us 'The Company') has a three-man advantage over Team Bible or whatever their gimmick is.

Now listen, I love Radio. He's a babe. His girlfriend's pretty hot. If you're into that sort of shit. But could somebody tell me when he offered to do the whole first round shenanigans? It doesn't matter though 'cuz he's going to do it because, first of all: shiny, and secondly he and you have no fucking choice and can't change a damn thing about it. I'm pretty sure everyone on your team sighed a collective groan when you picked Mr. Radio over, well, everyone else. You didn't even pick the guy that his opponent fucking said was the biggest threat on your team.

WHICH WAS ME, GODDAMNIT.

Smoke sighs. So that would usually be where I quit my bitching and accept fate or whatever and realise that I'm probably going have to pull the team out of the shitter rather than preventing it from falling in in the first place. But then... this:

Quote:“Well Steve, I have no idea what Eli James is going to do. Maybe he will listen to Sid, maybe he won’t. He gets to make that decision, but I’ve already made mine. Mr. Radio is the guy. And I have faith in that decision. I would have equal faith if it were Smoke or Nero or me or any of the other names on this team. I respect Smoke for offering to be that guy, I really do. As much as I would love to say that Sid is some no talent asshole that can be taken out easily he’s not. Facing Sid isn’t an easy task. So I respect Smoke for being willing to go in there to start things off, and I have no doubt Smoke could have done what needed to be done but I’ve made my decision.”

To me that means either one of two things:

Number one: Theo is very delicately trying to say that I can't fight Sid without outright saying it. If that's the case, it's fine, Theo. I've already said I'm fighting for you. Honesty is the best policy. Just tell me what you really feel. Ya dig? That way I feel I can trust you, y'know? Make that connection stronger.

Or option numero dos: He made his decision without even seeing I put my name forward and only found out about it mid-interview. And to that I say: WHY IS THIS GUY PRACTICALLY GOING TO BE THE HEIR TO THE ENTIRE DAMN COMPANY!? HE CAN'T MAKE UP A DAMN TEAM NAME LET ALONE KEEP TABS ON HIS EMPLOYEES.

Fffffuck. I almost miss Shane

.

Almost. Despite how unoriginal my apparent revolution was there was a damn reason I did it in the first place.

Speaking of which, I wonder if anybody knows why I'm even taking part in this match? I really couldn't care less about the ultra-badass slap-fight that will inevitably occur between Eli James which will only 'fuel the flames' over and over again until the rivalry ends in like 20 years time. Watching two middle aged men having a power struggle will be super entertaining won't iiiiit. I don't like stables. In general. Nah, I'm in it because these fuckers need me, whether they want to admit it or not. Whether or not I'm an integral part of the team, if I quit who the fuck would they replace me with? Caliban?

I'd like to see them try. That way I could kick his ass with more limericks.

Well it appears I've run out of time... By which I mean I'm bored of talking. I don't run an imaginary show or anything. Who do you think I am, John Austin!?

...Oh shit, he's on my team as well... Smoke sighs heavily again. I need a nap.

Hey, maybe when I wake up I can actually talk about my opponents! I know Sid's on the edge of his seat already, sweating out of both of his glands (Geddit!? Because he's old!! Hey Sid, consider that me throwing you a bone! I know you like to bone others do the same to others as well!) all the while trying to ration his Viagra so that he can keep his pathetic little semi up just that little bit longer while he waits for me to utter his name in the slightest amount of respect, because lord knows once that happens he'll be able to pleasure himself allll, niiiight, looonng. And not physically either. Verbally. That was all metaphoric, mother fucker, I just blew your mind.

...Jesus Christ I need some sleep.

Smoke collapses or something.

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