http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=1092&pid=3652#pid3652

What do you guys think?

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Okay I'll be honest, then. You need to put actions, reactions and what not in there (look at one of my rps to see what I mean), a roleplay, sure, it's mostly about what the person says but messages can also be sent through actions and all of that stuff... Plus, I'd say the speech is good but it does need to be a little longer if it's going to compete with some of the big boys around here. Actions and all of that could help increase the length.

I know what the big guys say, it's about quality and not quantity... But even so, you could write a great rp with 500-700 words and it will be accounted, but then you got the big guys writing equally great OR better rps and writing between 1500-2000 words... That's just my 2 cents anyways lol

Italic, change a to i and n to i

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I'm new around here, so I don't know how much my opinion counts for, but I liked it a lot because I felt like this posts and all your other posts get across Agony as a character loud and clear. A crazy, obnoxious, hyper-aggressive brute. I also find them fun to read. Liked the line, "heart of one, mouth of two" as well.

I agree, its good--IMHO--to give a setting and all that, though. A little bit of narration around the speech. Of course, this a newb that doesn't really know how things go around here, so take it for what it is. Mostly, I enjoyed reading it and the other posts and like I said, the character really came across, so I have to give it the thumbs up, for whatever that amounts to.

I'm a rook here as well, but have been e-fedding off and on for a few years now. Since you asked for honesty, I'm happy to try and help. I think your trash talk is good. It gets across the character well. However, I do think you'll benefit not only from descriptions of what your character is doing, but also from possibly setting the scene. Where are we? Are we floating in space? (If so, tell us that lol). In my time with e-fedding I feel that you always learn best from the guys at the top and that dictates style and pace for what is successful. Not saying there's a formula, but the guys who win are taking risks and trying new things. Just my thoughts. Hope this helped, dude!

Thank you all for the advice! Great advice, I'll incorporate a setting and be more descriptive for my future RPs.

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You need story.

I'd suggest to all of the rookies... read as many roleplays as you can from the more established guys...

Develop stories around your character.... whether its shedding light on his past or detailing how he acts and reacts in everyday situations....

This is not a trash talk fed. Trash talk IS part of it, but the story is very important.

It won't necessarily be on overnight thing... Take my guy for example. It took me weeks to figure out exactly how I wanted to portray Sebastian Duke. I've seen some guys post stories in news and rumors then have there match RPs strictly trash talk... I've been there.... When I first came here thats what I did too... It took me a little bit to figure out exactly how I wanted to incorporate my story and my trash talk together...

First and foremost don't ever get discouraged. If you ever want help and advice many doors are open. This is one of the hardest feds to win in. You shouldn't get all wrapped up in wins and losses though. It should be about the writing. Like I've said about my own work, sometimes my story resonates with readers and sometimes it doesn't. Wins and losses though aren't important to me. I just like to think that if I lose, its because at least for that week, my opponent was a little better then I was.

I enjoy writing Sebastian Duke's story. On the other hand though, it might not be everyone cup of tea. The important thing though, is that I like it. Wins and losses be damned.

For the record, I hate words like "noob" or "newb"... I prefer "rook" or "rookie"