I walked across my backyard to a symphony of crickets obviously begging for their lives but even if I could understand them I'd still commit mass crik-o-cide because the little fuckers sound more annoying than Peter Gilmour providing color commentary for an alley cat gang bang. As I reach out , pull my garage door open, and hit the lights I realize for the first time that I may have a problem. Oh no, no, no, no. I've got problems, that's a given, what I should say is it's the first time I've noticed this particular problem. I mean do I really need a garage with wall to wall aquariums full of scorpions? I can still remember sitting in the gym with Scorpius saying that we were going to raise a bunch of these fuckers so we could screw with our opponents. In spite of appearing to be a couple of muscle bound meat heads the amount of thought we put into the mental aspect of wrestling was unreal. We did everything we could in order to look as much alike as possible so that we could switch places whenever the opportunity presented itself, singles matches or tag matches. You're god damn right that my tag partner and I set out to cheat as much as possible from day one. You mad brah? Do I detect some rustling in your jimmies? WELL GET OVER IT BITCH! If you're not cheating then you're not trying, tell me this, have you ever seen a federation's list of former champions that had an asterisk beside somebodies name that said * Won by cheating* ? No, no you haven't, so please feel free to go fuck yourself until you fall from that moral high ground of yours and splatter your noodles all over the pavement.




When Scorpius and I climbed into that ring we were going to try to win by any means necessary which is where all these damn Scorpions came in. Aside from switching places whenever the fuck we felt like because the ref wouldn't be able to tell the difference, we were also going to randomly pull out scorpions during our matches. If you're thinking “that sounds like a horrible idea” then congrats because you're fucking right and it didn't even take you getting stung in the junk or getting body slammed then having to wrestle the rest of the match with a dead scorpion stuck to your ass for you to figure it out. I also know what you're thinking again and no I don't give a shit covered fuck if PETA was paying attention to that last part. I didn't say puppies, kitties, or anything else cute and furry, I said god damn scorpions. Ever seen a “save the scorpions” campaign? No you fucking haven't for the same reason there's no "save the spiders" campaigns, they creep people right the fuck out! Which happens to be the main reason why Scorpius and I wanted to use them to our advantage except they're better suited for screwing with people before and after matches *cough* Gilmour *cough*.




After getting lost in thought I finally step into the garage and walk around dropping crickets into all of the cages in order to keep my minions well fed. Almost as soon as the crickets hit the bottom of the aquariums their lives are brought to screeching halt by creatures bigger and stronger than them. It actually isn't too different from what happened in my first match against Ezekiel and what will happen in my next match against Peter, they're just prey being hand fed to me. No need to bring out the big guns, oh no, no venom needed for tiny insects like them but you know what, THEY CAN GET IT ANYWAY! Why? Why not? Overkill is a fallacy, you either win or you lose, you're either the predator or you're the prey, nothing else matters. Neanderthals like Peter Gilmour don't understand that, always coming up with some excuse as to why he wasn't on the winning side of things ranging from the time he tapped out but was merely "killing bugs that were crawling across the mat" to his opponents "cheating" and let's not forget those damn refs always out to "screw" him. Of course all of those things obviously happened and in no way shape or form is he like a scavenger here in the XWF occasionally feasting on competitors considered the weakest of the weak but ill equipped to defend himself against anybody with even the smallest amount of talent.




A smile creeps across my face as I watch cricket after cricket getting ripped to shreds. I can't help put imagine Gilmour's face on the body of every cricket with mine on the body of every scorpion. However my fun ends as the bucket finally becomes empty and feeding time comes to a close. I make sure to slide the tops back on all of the aquariums, look over the garage to make sure everything is as it should be, and then begin to slide the garage door closed. As I start to put the padlock back on the door my attention is suddenly pulled in another direction when I hear my son's bull terrier growling directly behind me. That dog is a big kid, he almost never growls. I turn around just in time to come face to face with a man that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. I almost put my fist through his face until I realize that it's Mr. Supernova and stop myself mid swing. He doesn't even flinch and just stands there looking at me like I'm the crazy one.




Scorpio: WHO DOES THAT?



Nova: Sorry about that I didn't mean to startle you.


Scorpio: It's fine but how about a warning next time you want to sneak up behind me like a creeper.



Nova: I'll see what I can do. Now you had something that you wanted to talk to me about?


Scorpio: Yeah, just give me one second.



I finish putting the padlock on the door and motion for Mr. Supernova to follow me as I walk past him towards the house. We make our way up the steps of my porch and make our way through the door.....




Fade to stack.















The Final Sting





So I was able to easily beat Ezekiel and win my return match here in the XWF. Anybody who didn't see that coming? Anybody? Of course everybody saw that coming because it was a warm up match that I used to shake off the ring rust and get my juices flowing after not having a match in almost a year. Now the question is what happens next? Simple, the Scorpio warm up tour rolls onward to Madness where I'll take on another joke of an opponent to knock off any ring rust residue... or jizz... that still may be clinging to me after all those nights I spent with Rose while Gilmour was wrestling or having his weekly lipo appointment. While we're on that subject Gilmour, can I ask you something brah? If you're not against having all of your fat sucked out and you're not against letting people stick needles in your ass since we all know you didn't actually work for your current body, then why is it that you just can't admit that Frodo stuck his hobbit all up in your shire? What's wrong Pete, it happened, everybody saw it happen, so why not just admit it? Could it be that you actually liked it when his halfling was invading your middle earth? Perhaps as Frodo was doing what he did to you, little Petey was spilling his precious all over your undies. Is that why you're so dead set on trying to hide the fact that you got raped brah? Was it because you actually enjoyed it and you're such a self hating homophobe that you just try to pretend like it never happened? It's okay Pete, let your hair down, loosen up, get everything out of your ass, and admit to the world that you like the naked caress of another man because it's really not that big of a deal. Also It would actually explain a lot since your so pathetic in the bedroom when it comes to Rose that she's banging me, Mr.XWF, and every other wrestler in the history of wrestling...EVER while you're not around.









As much fun as that was, that's enough fuckery for now. Let's get to what actually matters shall we brah? Of course I'm talking about the fact that my belly button lint could out-wrestle you on your best day and nobody, not even the people who reside in whatever shitty multiverse Mr. Radio is the best in think otherwise. Honestly brah you're a seasoned vet while my wrestling career has spanned about five whole months if you count my run in Compat Pro but when I look into your eyes it feels like I'm the experienced veteran looking into the eyes of a rookie. You see brah when I look at you I can see how much you envy what I was able to accomplish in such a short time, I can see that you want to bust your ass so that you can achieve what I have, and most of all whether you want to admit it I know that you respect what I've done. On the other hand when you look into my eyes there's no jealousy about what you've done over the course of your career, there's no me wanting to bust my ass to achieve what you have, and I definitely don't respect your accomplishments. First of all you pride yourself on being the ruler of the realm of X-treme because you're an 11 time X-treme Champion. Yes, you're an 11 time X-treme champion and that's a lot I get it. However are you actually telling me that quantity like that is what you're hanging your hat on? You're 37 fucking years old brah AND YOU'VE BEEN IN THE XWF FOREVER! So yes, you should have won a lot of titles, what you fail to realize is that your XWF singles career consists of winning a title that was the lowest one on the roster until Shane took over the XWF and introduced whatever the Heavymetal Weight Title is being called these days. So during all of that time you spent ruling the realm of X-treme you were either the least, or the second least respected champion on the roster. Not only that but it's not even like you've won the most X-treme Titles in XWF history because I know for a fact that Zach Rizza won it 16 times, AT LEAST!














Brah you haven't won the X-treme Title more than anybody else and you won all of those titles while competing against the lowest caliber competition on the roster. So you're not the ruler of the realm of X-treme, you're the ruler of the realm of the scrubs. Well I mean you would be but the truth is YOU DON'T RULE SHIT! The last time I was in the XWF I ended up holding both the X-Treme and the constant name changing title at the same time. So what I ended up doing while both of those belts were in my possession was that I set up a match. This match didn't favor me as a champion, actually it was the direct opposite but you know what, I did it anyway because it was best for both of the titles involved. Tell me oh ruler of the realm of X-treme, have you ever done that brah? Even once if your fucking life, have you ever done what is best for your "kingdom" instead of what's best for you? Of course you haven't because you're Peter fucking Gilmour and you don't even have the mental capacity to comprehend what I'm saying to you right now much less actually carry something like that out.










Can I ask you something brah, is that the reason they put you in the classes where all they did was finger paint and hand out participation ribbons? I can see it now, young P. Gilly is sitting in the middle of class with droll rolling down his chin as it often does when the teacher surprises everybody with a pop quiz. Young Gilly goes into panic mode until his brain puts together the most brilliant idea he ever came up with. "Suck my dick", that's right! Who was the first president of the United States? Suck my dick! What's two plus two? Suck my dick! Who freed the slaves? Suck my dick! It was such a brilliant answer little P. Gilly never stopped using it. I mean he still uses it to this day! A family member calls him up to say they love him? Suck my dick! The girl scouts knock on his door to sell him cookies? Suck my dick! One of those girls gives him their address and he shows up so he can finally get his dick sucked. Suck my... hey aren't you Chris Hanson! When he's actually getting his dick sucked? Suck my dick! Just kidding about that last one, that never happens.












Anyway I should probably get this runaway train back on the rails. Listen up brah, let me go ahead and break it down so you can understand it. What I was saying earlier was that if you were a ruler you'd be a fucking bad one... so suck my dick. I'm pretty sure that's how it translates into Gilmour talk, not sure though, I don't speak that often so I may be a little rusty. Now, the match that I organized while I held the X-treme and name changing title was a 30-Minute time limit battle royal where both titles could change hands an unlimited amount of times and whoever were the champions when the time was up were the winners. You should remember it well brah because you were in it along with Griffin MacAlister and quite a few others. Leading up to the match I had the name changing title taken from me but I walked into the match still the X-treme Champion and do you remember what didn't happen during that 30 minute period? I was like an anti meth advertisement because I didn't get pinned, NOT EVEN ONCE! You want to know what else didn't happen after that 30 minute period was over? You didn't walk out as the name changing champion, Griffin MacAlister did.









Booya indeed, in a match that featured both of the titles in the XWF that can be considered X-treme, you weren't able to leave with either one of them? Brah, it's pathetic enough that you're hanging your hat on essentially being the best of the worst but in reality, YOU AREN'T EVEN THAT! I just gave you an example of a match where you had the opportunity to win BOTH of the titles in the XWF that would qualify as X-treme but you couldn't walk away with either, a couple of guys who were new to the XWF at the time did. So how Pete, how in the fuck do you rule anything? You're just as big of a loser now as were then, hell as you've always been. Absolutely nothing has changed Pete, EVEN THE FORMULA TO BEAT YOU IS EXACTLY THE SAME! However I guess those are the qualities that the people in the realm of X-treme covet huh brah?

Awesomeness Achieved


1x XWF (World) Champion


1x XWF Tag Champion (with Frodo)


1x XWF X-treme Champion


16x XWF Heavymetal Weight Champion (UFO / Ark)


Two Month Long UFO/ARK/HMW Title Reigns


Longest (personal) Reign 11/12/14 - 12/18/14


Reigning Bra And Panties King


Donkey punched your mother!


Banged Rose Smith Repeatedly


Seriously Brah I Did


Said it was the best she ever had


And she could feel it in her spine


Scorpin Master!


AAOOOOOOOOWW!!!


I'm pinning the Witch Doctor So Hard Right Now


Would you pin me?


I'd pin me.





#DickToFaces