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~~Sweet Cheapshots~~ · (02-25-2013)

{Episode 001}"The one in which our hero runs into trouble with customs."

"Hello there. I didn't hear you come in. No, no, that's okay. Just leave your shoes by the door if you don't mind. Gorgeous morning we're having aren't we? Sometimes I like to get up early and enjoy a nice Tallahassee sunrise. Nothing quite like it. Can i get you anything? What's that? Yes, I got a fresh pot brewing as we speak. Take a seat over by the window. I think it's important that we get acquainted. My name is Harland, and yes, I know, I do look a lot like someone famous. I get that a lot. I'm going to be your narrator for now until the foreseeable future. So, enough about me, let's see what the hero of our story is up to. We're going to be taking a journey into sight and sound all the way to a place where dreams are made. That's right, you guessed it. City of Angels, Los Angeles, California."

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #232:
Sweet Cheapshots once taught a blind child how to read Portuguese.
[Disclaimer - This has NOT actually been proven to be true by a reputable source as of January 2013.]

The location: The home of a one Sweet Cheapshots Time: 2:32pm PST

The security system pings as the front door of the home is open. A pair of high heels are heard as they click across the hardwood floors. They pause momentarily just before the staircase leading up.

A hand reaches down and snatches a rogue pair of pink panties that hang off the head of the banister. A grumble is heard and the panties get tossed out of sight.

We follow the high heeled shoes as they make their way up the staircase, then down the hall toward a door at the very end. The clicking stops, and that same hand pushes the bedroom door open.

The room is sparse. Tall windows look out onto LA. A singular California King size bed is the only furniture in the room. Someone's body makes an S under the white down comforter. The high heel foot extends out and kicks the front frame of the bed.

Natalie Foxx: "Rise and shine, princess."

The figure beneath the blankets stirs, then slowly lowers the covers. He squints into the bright sunlight coming into the room, then looks up at the imposing woman standing in a business suit before him.

Sweet Cheapshots: "What's up babe?"

Natalie Foxx: "Don't 'What's up babe?' me. What the hell have you been doing?"

Sweets glances around the room and sits up. He runs a hand through his disheveled hair.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Sleeping. Which in case you didn't know is what people do in the morning."

Natalie Foxx: "It's almost three o'clock in the afternoon."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Oh."

Natalie Foxx: "Yeah, 'Oh'. I've been trying to call you all morning. The XWF offices are wondering why you haven't faxed them back the contract they gave you to sign. If you want to compete on Wednesday you gotta be under contract."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Since when do I have a fax machine?"

Natalie Foxx: (Sighs) "You don't. But I do at my office and I've been trying to reach you so I can have you sign the damn thing."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Word."

Natalie Foxx: "I'll be downstairs for when you decide to throw some clothes on."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Hey, how long have you been up for?"

Natalie Foxx: "Since like seven this morning why?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "You didn't stay the night?"

Natalie Foxx: "No, I went home once you started to cry again during Point Break."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Swayze is so damn likable in that movie though…"

Natalie Foxx: "Anyway… why do you ask?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "I ask because I dreamt I was getting the most amazing BJ ever. I thought it was you."

Natalie Foxx: "Nope, can't take credit."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Huh, wonder what that was about."

At that moment something yipes and scurries out from under the bed. A slobbery bulldog approaches Natalie and then takes a leak on the carpet near her foot.

Natalie Foxx: "I'll be downstairs."

Sweets eyes the dog.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Since when did I have a dog?"

Downstairs Sweets finds Natalie leaning over the island counter in the kitchen as she flips through a magazine.

Natalie Foxx: "You should think about opening a window in here. It stinks."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I don't think that dog is housebroken, come to think of it, I don't think Dikembe is either."

Natalie Foxx: "Who the hell is -- wait -- I just decided I didn't want to know."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Probably for the best. So where's this contract?"

Natalie puts the magazine aside and grabs a neatly pressed and stapled packet of paper off the counter and hands it his way.

Natalie Foxx: "All yours."

Sweet Cheapshots: "You know people wonder about the economy being in trouble, but you gotta ask yourself who is providing the upkeep for all these fax tubes running underground of the city."

Natalie Foxx: "Say what?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "You know, the fax tubes that like every city's got when someone sends a fax?"

Natalie Foxx: "Sweets, have you ever actually used a fax machine before?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Ha! Of course I have. This isn't nineteen-ninety-two."

Natalie Foxx: "Riiiight. It's almost a crime how much the XWF is paying you when you make a statement like that."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Whatevs."

Natalie takes the signed copy back and slides it into her briefcase.

Natalie Foxx: "I think we can finally get the ball rolling now. Pending a passing physical of course."

Sweet Cheapshots: "When did I take a physical?"

Natalie Foxx: "Last week. You really gotta lay off the midnight benders."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Ohhh, I didn't know that's what that was. I just thought they wanted to look at my hair to unlock the secret of its luxurious fullness. Seriously, touch it."

Natalie Foxx: "I'm all set."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Suit yourself."

Natalie Foxx: "I'm going to use your bathroom and then run an errand before we hit the road."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I hope it's somewhere awesome."

Natalie Foxx: "Don't you read any of the things I give you?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "What answer will make you the least mad?"

Natalie Foxx: (Rolls eyes) "Look, I'll be back in about an hour. Please shower, dress and have a bag packed. Our flight for Canada leaves tonight."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Ah, man. I hate Canada."

Natalie Foxx: "Why?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "It's a long story. My great granddad was part of a Nova Scotian separatist movement. Really tore my family apart. Also, name one good thing that's come from there."

Natalie Foxx: "Michael J. Fox."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Exactly, and look what happened to him."

Natalie Foxx: "And on that note..."

Natalie steps away and down the hall toward the bathroom. Sweets heads over to the counter and peeks into the cup that Natalie was drinking out of, shrugs, then picks it up and takes a sip. Beat. A scream erupts from the downstairs bathroom.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Natalie?!"

Sweets breaks into a run and storms into the bathroom to find Natalie pressed up against the door with a scared look on her face.

Sweet Cheapshots: "What? What's wrong?"

Natalie Foxx: "Who the HELL is that?!"

Sweets leans into the room where a tall, naked, Haitian man is standing brushing his teeth in the mirror.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Oh, that's Dikembe."

Natalie Foxx: "Who the hell is he?! And why is he standing nude in the bathroom?!?!"

Sweet Cheapshots: "He's my spiritual advisor. Now who has the bad memory?"

Natalie puts a hand to her forehead.

Natalie Foxx: "I'm leaving. Let's just meet at the airport."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Okay, later babes."

Natalie brushes by Sweets and after a moment we hear the ding of the home security system as she heads out the front door. Sweets looks back Dikembe.

Sweet Cheapshots: "What's up, buddy?"

Dikembe smiles as toothpaste oozes out of his mouth.

Sweet Cheapshots: "I thought we talked about the no pants thing?"

Dikembe hocks the mess in his mouth into the sink.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Okay then."

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #72:
Sweet Cheapshots has inside jokes with people he's never met.

The location: Toronto Pearson Airport Time: 8:21pm EST

We finds Natalie, Sweet Cheapshots and Dikembe standing in line waiting to go through customs at the Toronto airport.

Natalie Foxx: "You think your "Spiritual Advisor" is going to be cold?"

Sweets looks over at Dikembe dressed in shorts, a button down and a wool hat with the flaps down the side.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Ah, I think he'll be fine."

Natalie Foxx: "By the way, take a look at this."

Natalie passes over a glossy magazine. Sweets glances at it and gives a frown.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Why are you handing me a gay porno mag to look at?"

Natalie Foxx: "Seriously? It's an indie wrestling mag. One that you've been in a few times. There's a write-up on Owen Crooks inside."

Sweet Cheapshots: "And I care why?"

Natalie Foxx: "Well, assuming this line moves in the next ten years, he's your opponent on Wednesday."

Sweets flips through and opens up the magazine to a page.

Sweet Cheapshots: "This guy looks like a tool."

Natalie Foxx: "That's very articulate of you."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I'm being serious. "The Element"? What the hell does that even mean?"

Natalie Foxx: "Do yourself a favor and educate yourself before the match."

The line moves forward and Natalie passes through customs with no problem. Sweets steps up to the guard and hands him his passport. The guard looks it over, then back up at Sweets, then back to the passport.

Customs Guard: "Sweet Cheapshots?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Yup."

Customs Guard: "That's your real name?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Why wouldn't it be?"

Customs Guard: "What's your business in Canada?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "I'm off to fight some hooligan with bad teeth and tartar sauce on his breath. Real dapper looking dude. You want to see his pic?"

Customs Guard: "I'm sorry, you're here to fight someone?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Yeah, I'm a wrestler."

Customs Guard: "Oh, one of those. It's all fake anyway, right? Move on through."

Sweets yanks the passport back from the guard and motions for Dikembe to follow him.

Customs Guard: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going, pal?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "It's cool he's with me."

Customs Guard: "That's great. I need to see a passport."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I don't think he has one. To be honest I'm not even sure how he got to the states."

Customs Guard: "Well then he's not getting into Canada."

Sweet Cheapshots: "For real? I told you he's rolling with me."

Customs Guard: "I don't care. He needs ID."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Look, I've been in your beloved Canada for about an hour and I have yet to see any Canadian hospitality. I get that you're probably pissed that the Maple Leafs haven't won anything in years, but c'mon, you don't gotta be a dick. Let us pass."

Customs Guard: "Oh, you've done it now buddy insulting the Leafs, aye? "

Sweet Cheapshots: "Yeah, I am. What are you going to do about it?"

Customs Guard: "Oh, just you wait, buddy. Hey Marty. We got a patriot on our hands."

A big, bulky security guard looks over from one of the other gates and proceeds toward what is now becoming a commotion in line.

Sweet Cheapshots: "What's large by huge think he's gonna do?"

Customs Guard: "Keep running your mouth, aye? We'll see how you like detainment."

To be continued...

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode EP001: "The one in which our hero runs into trouble with customs." (RP#1 vs Crooks)
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