John Austin - vs - Justin Jones Pub Crawl Brawl

Vegas: The following is a Pub Crawl Brawl! The match may only end inside a Manchester publican house.

The lights in the arena go dim and the sounds of multiple clocks can be heard ticking away through-out the arena. Finally the alarm sounds and the beginning to Time by Pink Floyd begins to play. Out steps John Austin from beyond the curtains. He stands atop of the stage with his hands held to his hips and surveys the arena. He makes his way down to the ring, greeting a few fans along the way.

"Hail To The King" by Avenged Sevenfold hits the pa system as the lights turns red and a white spotlight shines down on the top of the ramp as Justin Jones comes walking out with his long Canadian jacket and his personal Canadian Badass Canada flag holding the hand of Traci Jones as they walk down the ramp smiling cocky as they walk up the steps as Justin holds the ropes open for Traci.


Vegas: Your guest commentators for this contest are Neonero and Nick ‘Tricky’ Cotton.

Cameras momentarily flash to Nero, who nods nonchalantly at the camera, and Nick Cotton, a slimy cockney man with greased back hair and a cheap leather jacket. Some fans may remember him as the guest referee from Nero’s Games I.

Nero: Well here we are, last time this match went down we ended with a pretty memorable finish, but alas, due to legalities, I am unable to sanction highlights of the match. Suffice to say, a ‘bouse’ walked out victorious that night.

Cotton: Eeehh proper geeza he woz too.

Quite, Nick. It looks like Mr. Austin and Mr. Jones are already going at it, with a series of short and stiff forearm shots.

Short and stiff, squire?

Yes, just how you’d expect to hear a lady talk about a night with...ahh lets not go there.

Ahaha too right.

In the ring, Jones seems to be getting the upper hand, and has backed Austin into a turnbuckle. Taking a step back, he weighs his angles quickly, before hitting a pretty sweet dropkick, which smacks Austin in the forehead, snapping his head back so that the back of his skull smacks the protective padding, which offers little remorse. Before he has the chance to crumple forward, Jones has already got him ready for a T-Bone suplex, throwing him across the ring powerfully.

Fuckin’ ‘ell did ya see that?

I did Nick. EBLOW DROP!

Eblow?

You heard me.

When are they goin to the fuckin’ boozer? The ref must be fuckin’ gaspin’ hahaha

When they’re good and ready. And it looks like Justin Jones is getting ready right now, taking a bottle of beer and – OH! That bottle just smashed right over Austin’s head and after that early head blow against the turnbuckle, Austin may well be on his sea legs here.

Fuck me he’s mullered ‘im!

As if realising what Nick Cotton has so eloquently pointed out, Jones now starts to drag Austin out of the ring, leading him slowly backstage by the back of his head. Cameras follow and soon enough, we are backstage, marvelling as out of nowhere, Austin snaps out of his daze, tripping Jones with such motion that his face is sent careening into a brick wall, bouncing back with a sickening thud, blood trickling from his temple. Austin immediately hits a snap DDT, emphasising contact on the area of Jones already busted open. Austin waves for people to scatter as he drags Jones to his feet and throws him down a narrow passage, and before we know it we are in the executive backstage parking area.

Aint that your Limo?

Sure enough, Austin is making a beeline for Neonero’s limousine, prompting us to wonder how on Earth it ended up backstage, after its driver Marco was previously arrested for ‘drink driving with a crack rock in his throat’. As if on cue, Marco pops his head out of the passenger window, clearly inebriated, muttering something about how this is ‘his town’ and he ‘shouldn’t be driving this car’. However his fears seem to be artifice as he pops back inside the limo, round about the same time as Austin throws Jones face-first into the back passenger window, cracking it significantly.

Blimey ‘is nut must be made of fuckin’ concrete.

Indeed.

Austin drops Jones with a reverse DDT, and then proceeds to kick in the remainder of the window, until there is a hole present large enough to throw a man through, which of course is his next move, as he pushes Jones into the limo, so that he rests half inside and half outside the vehicle, almost like a pendulum. Austin walks around to the other side and nonchalantly gets in.

Ha’ the fuck we gonna follow ‘em nah?

Don’t you worry about that Nick.

Cameras now switch to a surveillance camera inside the limo. Since there is no audio, Nero has the wisdom to pipe some kpop into the arena, which makes an odd bedfellow with a brawl in the back of a limousine in front of a sea of XWF fans, but we get the impression that’s the point.

The limo is driving all over the place, we can’t actually see where it’s going, but the empty champagne bucket sliding all over the place is a good clue. Action wise, Jones is still hanging precariously over the window, and Austin has grabbed a stray tie, provenance unknown, and is wrapping it around Jones’ neck, using the force required to pull him into the limo to simultaneously choke him. It’s not easy to tell through the cctv, but Jones’s face is turning blue slowly. As he finally flops into the limo fully, legs folding awkwardly against the backseat like an accordion, his left hand flops limply into the bucket of ice. Some wily fans thinking back remember a similar moment at Nero’s Games I, and hold their breath.

Hmm, it seems a hand in a bucket of ice is a good wake-up remedy, who knew?

Fuckin’ bollocks is it, you sure this shit aint predetermined?

Don’t use long words, it’s not befitting.

Sure enough, the temperature extreme of the ice seems to wake Jones, whose hands instinctively grab a handful of ice cubes, shocking Austin out of nowhere with a closed fist full of ice! Taking a few moments to regain his senses, he starts to survey the scene. As he gets to his knees, a stiff boot flies through the air from Austin, but Jones nimbly evades it, grabbing Austin’s leg and grapevining it into a figure four leg lock.

Jones Cry!

That’s the ice meltin’, he aint cryin’ ya muppet.

It’s the name of his...oh never mind.

Realising the match cannot end in the back of a limo, Jones torques the figure four doubly, then grabs the champagne bucket, violently throwing the ice into Austin’s agonised face, then proceeds to wail on Austin’s knees, one after the other, with the metal bucket. Austin starts to pass out, so Jones pulls himself to a seated position, grabbing ice cubes at random and throwing them at Austin’s face, finally tiring of this he untangles their legs, throwing Austin’s feet from his person like he’s disgusted they even exist. At this point, Marco’s crazed driving comes to a halt, and he winds down the dividing window to address his ‘passengers’.

Oh no, I shouldn’t be driving this car.

Flashing lights can now be seen, and while the police come to talk to Marco for a second time on the evening, Jones drags Austin out of the car, and we realise Marco has helpfully stopped the car outside ‘The Casale’ pub. Strange...Outside the pub, which has all the seeming features on any other, stands a large, old fashioned water butt and a red post box. Jones drags Austin to the water butt, ripping off the lid and exposing several months worth of collected rainwater, which altogether smells about as nice as you’d expect. Jones almost vomits as the scent of vinegar dominates him for a moment, but he regains his senses quickly and starts to dunk Austin’s head in the water, for varying lengths of time. Austin struggles and eventually resorts to a mule kick to Jones’s groin, which causes Jones to sink to his knees, and the crowd back in the stadium to pop loudly. Being a stadium, the pop is audible even this far away, and Austin salutes the cameraman, as if he were acknowledging the crowd. Shaking the water from his face, he then turns to the kneeling Jones, unloading with a series of European uppercuts!

E’s fuckin’ leatherin’ ‘im!

Tiring of the uppercuts, Austin grabs the reeling Jones and traps his arms...belly to belly suplex against the post box! Jones crunches against the post box and lands awkwardly on his head and shoulders, and Austin waves his arms as if to say he’s had enough. Grabbing Jones by the scruff of his neck, Austin throws him inside the pub forcefully. For a moment all we hear is the sound of glass breaking, and then the camera follows inside, where we see that Jones has been thrown into a champagne flute pyramid, which is now just a mess of broken glass.

Wot a fuckin’ waste ov good bubbly.

Quite.

Austin picks up Jones, throwing him along the top of the bar like he was the villain in an old fashioned western, Jones collecting glasses inadvertently as he slides. As he reaches the end of the bar, some random drunkards start laying into him with punches, and Austin just catches his breath, leaning against the bar and having a quick conversation with the barkeep about football, which rapidly ends when he realises that the barkeep is talking about real football not American football. As Jones flops off the end of the bar, Austin picks him up, wrapping his arm around his neck and lifting him high above a table...then waits....and waits....and waits...DELAYED BRAINBUSTER THROUGH THE TABLE! THOSE TABLES AINT MEANT TO BREAK!

FAAAACKK!!!!

I think John Austin may have just finished this match. But wait...it seems he doesn’t want to pin Jones just yet.

Muggin’ himself off, e’s got it in the fuckin’ bank son.

Mayhap, but I think Austin is feeling a bit disrespected as Jones failed to show up in the week and address him.

Austin picks Jones up, a look of disgust now snaking across his face. He looks into the camera, and whispers ‘Nero’ before smashing Jones’ skull with THE FINAL ROUND! This time Austin covers, for the formality...

1



2



3!

What a fitting move to end the match with inside a pub.

Woteva son I’m off for a pint meself hahahaha

Winner: John Austin

---

We cut now to the parking lot, where a regular taxi has just pulled up. It stops in front of the entrance barrier, and out steps...Paul Heyman! Heyman looks none too pleased, and rather bedraggled. He barges past the security barrier, but is immediately accosted by two security guards.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!

Sir, we have a strict list of who may and may not enter the backstage area. If you could please first show us your identity, we’d be happy to check the list.

Paul calms himself, dusting the creases from his coat, and calmly addresses the two burly security men.

My name...

Paul takes a breath.

IS PAUL FUCKING HEYMAN!

A small vein almost pops right out of his forehead as he yells at the two men, who stand quite placid in the face of the livid maestro of Xtreme. So placid are they in fact that you would almost think they were expecting this...

Sorry sir, there is no man with the middle name ‘fucking’ on my list.

Paul....HEYMAN.

I’m sorry, there is no Heyman on my list either.

Are you KIDDING me? I came here all the way from New fucking York on my own dime because that clown Neonero invited me, and I’m not on the list?

Sorry sir, you are not.

That motherfucker...



Cameras cut away as Heyman fumes...

---

The Nerovision shows a face that is distorted. A voice begins to speak.

Frederick Adam Ward, also known as Frodo Smackins, your time here is running low. You will be gone soon, and I will guarantee you'll be driven out quickly. Do not stay around. Just turn tail and leave. You cannot hope to keep what little standing you have. I will destroy you here. I'll see you soon, baby brother.

Nerovision goes back to black.

Frodo Smackins - vs - Titan XTREME!!!!! Hell in a Cell The cage will be suspended from the top of the arena, it will then progressively rotate faster and faster both horizontally and vertically. Weapons and other various objects will be shot into the floating cage with cannons.

The XWF audience prepares itself for what quite literally we go down as the biggest David vs. Goliath match ever in XWF history. And it will all take place inside some crazy fucked up cage match stipulation that quite possibly could end in certain death. What more could you ask for in XTREME!!! Frodo Smackins, quite possibly a third the size of his competitor, Titan, this evening will have to show some type of stamina to outlast the brute strength of Titan. This should get interesting as the steel beams the size of large bridge support structures begin to lift and slowly rotate the spinning cage. It appears like magic while small invisible strings continuously move in rapid succession causing what appears to be a floating cage hovering in mid air.

The inner structure that makes up the cage is also not some ordinary pussy chain link fence that can barely hold up Undertaker and Mankind. This is some kind of metal infused steel shit that a choke slam wouldn't even send you through.

You may be asking yourself now how these random weapons are going to be shot into the ring if this chain fencing is so dense. The answer to that question is that one one quadrant of the rotating cage cube is able to reflect inwards to cause an opening. This will only occur when the cage is completely horizontal on top of itself so that the weapons/Items being shot from the outside can rain on top of the competitors. This will also be the entry point for both competitors when the match begins.

'APM' by Spamtec blares over the X-tron system as the small shadow of Frodo Smackins comes traveling out of the entrance ramp until eventually it shows the midget in full form. The shadow stands tall but eventually shrinks to a short 5'6 when he finally makes a full entrance. The crowd gives mixed reactions as the determined look on his face gives no sign of reaction to them. Seems quite focused when it comes down to facing a man like Titan. I'd say that's a good thing as the obvious size disadvantage approaches as 'Be Still and Know' by Machine Head reverberates off the walls and into your eardrums to rock your world and prepare you for Titan to make his entrance. His shadow starts small but eventually grows to an alarming size of 6'8. The look on his face is even more disturbing and focused as he receives a chorus of boos from the stadium. The crowd won't play much factor in this decision, but rather the pure disdain one man has for the other it looks like will fuel one of these men to victory.

If I were picking a race horse I think I'd know where to put my money. Both men enter the cage as the swinging doors begin to slide beneath their feet. As soon as they meet in the middle the two will get right into the action.

Slowly the platforms beneath their feet are rising and snap...

Titan lunges towards Frodo first but obviously realizes right away that he's a smaller target to hit then he's used to and misses. Frodo ducks and runs between his legs. He takes a quick baseball slide travelling quickly and in a swift motion lifts his hand up and above to punch Titan directly in the balls!

Wow. I mean I saw that coming at some point in the match. I think we all did, but to pull it out on the first play from scrimmage so effectively is like a first inning grand slam. Titan goes down hard and Frodo is emancipated by the crowd. He laughs at his dirty work but knows he can't waste any time if he's going to get the upper hand in this affair.

He makes his way towards Titan whom is rising to one knee. A level where Frodo can hit him square in the...

The cage begins to rotate and Frodo misses on his swing. Both men now having to restructure their footing in order to not fall over too far while the cage rotates on it's side. Wham! This time it was a small fall for both competitors as they both seem to be in the right place and anticipate it for now. Later in this match when fatigue starts to play a factor this could be a major issue. Bit of foreshadowing here I think. That also brings us halfway to the rotation where the top will open and various objects will enter this pit of horror. Titan is now fully recovered and incredibly upset with the direct low blow moments ago. This time Frodo is unable to get completely out of his reach as Titan latches onto the back of his black t-shirt as he attempts to escape. Titan lifts Frodo with ease and holds him in mid air like a cabbage patch kid with one hand wrapped completely around his neck. His legs flailing and dangling all over the place. Titan glares deep in his eyes and then viciously choke slams him onto the cage floor. Even with the reinforced cage link fencing Frodo still manages to put a dent on the side of the cage as Titan grabs his head in mid air and dribbles it back on the bottom of the floating cage like a basketball player. Then he proceeds to violently kick and punch him while unconscious and locked in the fetal position. Titan wrestles him for a minute again on the ground and eventually wins. Lifts him up for another choke slam and a pin.


1...









2..















KICKOUT by Frodo!

The little bastard isn't going down that easy! Titan almost anticipated this and quickly whips Frodo into the corner. It's not a bad idea at first until the cage rotates again, and a flurry of bananas are fired into the cage from cannons! Titan looks utterly bemused but Frodo is having some kind of religious moment. Clearly showing off for someone, he peels a banana with just his teeth, no hands, and gobbles it down in one gulp. Who knew a little guy could deepthroat? The moment seems to have been like spinach to Popeye as Frodo leaps towards Titan, the giant catching him, but being unable to fend off a barrage of ‘smacks’ and uppercuts, until the big man is on his knees. Bananas, who knew?


SHAYOUKEN!


Frodo smashes Titan with his finisher, and is about to cover him but is thrown off balance as the cage starts to rotate again, this time so fast that the little guy is thrown into the ropes by the g-force. As the cage stops spinning a random keyboard is fired into the cage, smacking Titan directly on the head. Frodo leaps for joy and rushes to grab his favourite weapon, unleashing it like a whirling dervish, spinning around and hitting all kinds of extravagant and probably unnecessarily flamboyant shots to Titan’s head and torso. Titan is on his knees reeling, and Frodo looks a little too excited at seeing him on his knees, if you follow our drift, and puts his hands behind his head like he’s a stripper, grinding his crotch right in front of Titan’s face. The beast’s eyes bulge in his scarlet head, and Frodo is having too much fun to notice as Titan’s mouth opens wide...


CRUNCH!


Titan bites down hard, and we can’t quite tell if he’s just bitten off Frodo’s cock or crunched one of his testes, but he has a firm grip of something. At the very same moment, the cage starts to spin. Titan gets to his feet, never letting go with his mouth, and he uses the centrifugal force of the cage to rotate, something akin to a helicopter spin, with Frodo’s entire body swinging supported purely by his appendage. As the cage stops spinning, Titan unclenches his teeth, and Frodo flies across the ring, grabbing at his groin as if he’s checking it’s still there (it is – but we won’t know if it still works until a future date). Titan runs towards Frodo mercilessly and picks him up with a variation of a claw which is best left to the imagination. Frodo vomits over Titan’s shoulder and for some reason this pleases him despite his excruciating pain. Titan shakes his head and wastes no time dropping him with TYPHON’S REVENGE! Right on that pile of vomit as well. He makes the cover...



1







2









3!

Winner: Titan

---

The lights go down in the arena! Everything goes silent except a few screaming fans in the crowd! The Nerovision lights up and shows a scene in the woods. The Moon shinning bright lighting through the trees.

Something moves forward towards the camera. A large shadowy figure! Unable to make out who he was except an idea from his voice!





Voice-”It has been 300 years since I’ve see the light of day! 300! I have been trapped in a box sealed in time with no comfort of life! Do you all understand what it is like to not see your mother for that long? IT IS A LONG TIME!

Hear me Mortals! Hear me! I AM HE WHO WALKED BEHIND THE ROWS! I am he who fears none! And I need to allow you all to see what is to truly suffer! I have seen decades past through the cracks in the lid! You know what it’s like to see the sun rise and fall and not see a single thing except when the winter blows across the box!?!

I will tell you this story! I was given eternal life! I was made into a living god among the people! The problem with being a god is that people notice when you don’t age and when you don’t die. 300 years ago immortals were not very common. So as others grew older and died I stayed the same…I walked around and I did a good many things but truth is this. When they noticed I was unable to die they captured me! They hung me, stabbed me, tarred and feathered then set on fire! And when I did not die they locked me in a box wrapped in chains and buried me in the mountains.

A good many years did I have the time to think about revenge and as the days got longer and longer until I took to talking to myself. I realized that Christians are the reason for this pass! If not for them I would have been left alone! I WOULD HAVE WALKED AMONG YOU FOR ALL TIMES! Now I’m this! This freak! This is what the people of god has done! The Christian dark ages finally lifting and allowing the brilliance of the new world come forth! A dawn of better technology, more tolerance and best of all…THE END OF JESUS CHRIST! Atheism has taken over the world with this new plague! Finally a tolerable one!

You may think you know me by this shadow! This shadowy figure of an overly muscular man.”





The Figure reaches up and flicks his hair back





Voice-”I can guarantee that none of you KNOW me! I have been over looked and stepped over like a pile of fecal matter! I AM MORE THAN JUST SHIT! I AM MORE THAN A SLEW OF FUCKS!
I show up here looking for my equal shot at everything! I see Theo Price sitting around fucking everything that moves! Not really having to work for that paycheck! Not having to fight! Choosing to accept these matches with people that are hardly worth a blackout fight! When the time comes, know this Theo! No pile of money, no amount of women or anything will protect you from me!

Steve Davids! The false champion! Spending more time running scared from people than actually fighting! I view what he does…He runs and hides every time someone comes at him. Yes, his job is to fight but not to run! Cowards have no place holding a title! And again…some day he will know no protection from me! No where to run! Nowhere to hide!

Mr. Supernova! This is a man such as myself! He is one of the immortals! But claims to be from another planet?
In all my years here I’ve never seen or heard of any outer space nonsense! And lets take a moment to understand this and you all will agree with me. The government used propaganda to go into outer space! We are unable to get that far! No way! The entire space out there is a government conspiracy! 300 years ago there was no outer space! In the early 1900s the government brainwashed the people and put up these large images so you believe and they tax you all! And you pay your taxes! So now you know the truth! Outer space is a lie to get your money! Everywhere! Except Africa! No one cares about Africa! So the images of outer space are not there…its clear as high as you can see! Don’t believe those lies! And the lies of Supernova! He is human! And far from Immortal! He is more like the carbon copy of someone who was immortal. I hear he lost an arm…did you lose it in Vietnam? Didn’t think so! LIAR!
While I am talking about Supernova I have seen him defend his title twice in near 3 months! I believe a true champion should defend their title once a week! You sir are no champion to be proud of. Not as bad as Steve Davids but still bad!

Speaking of bad…Duke and Griffin! Have you even defended your titles in the last 3 months? I believe you have not! What is this? a joke? Are these titles even up for grabs here or is it one of those things like the King of England? Do they have to die in order to pass them on to the next guy?

Tri Bute, Jessie-ica Diaz and ESP. not even once! And if I am not mistaken…ESP isn’t even here anymore. I believe those titles should be stripped and fought for within the next week! In fact I believe that all champions that have not defended their titles in the last 30 days should FIGHT to keep them or get them pulled and have them fought over on the next card!

And lastly…This Morbid Angel character! He seems legit! Seems like a good Champion…you know how you can tell he is a good Champion?
He has good hair! Flows and all that good shit!”






The shadow moves forward slowly into the light…the face of Morbid Angel appears!








Morbid Angel-”That is right you motherfuckers! IT IS ME! MORBID FUCKING ANGEL! I may not be immortal but I am RIGHT NOW! I openly challenge all Champions I listed here!…but not at the same time! That is fucking suicide! BUT!!! I challenge them all! And here is the kicker…just for the people! One night…one card! Every match will be a title match against someone else WORTHY!”




Morbid Angel stops and gives his trademark death stare!





Morbid Angel-”The ball is in your court! And one more thing…I am not 300 years old! It was a fucking joke! Don‘t even start!”






Morbid Angel slowly walks backwards into the trees slowly…his shadow starts to fade then suddenly…….





Morbid Angel-”AH SHITTTTT!”





Morbid tripped over a fallen branch and fell into a bush!





Morbid Angel-”WHAT THE FUCK!……cut that…..cut that part out!”




Sayers-”I can’t….this is live.”







Morbid is silent for a few moments





Morbid-”are you sure? This wasn’t supposed to be live”


Sayers-”I am sure…I told you this was going to be live. We should have used lights.



Morbid Angel-”SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE GODDAMN CAMERA OF………….”





The screen goes black!

---

Tony Santos - vs - Tri Bute Nero’s Challenge Winner enters the Main Event

Vegas: The following is a standard match, to be known as Nero’s Challenge. The winner of this bout will enter tonight’s Main event and challenge for the European Title. Introducing first, from Boston Mass, at 221lbs, Tony Santos!

"A Lesson Never Learned" hits, roaring guitars filling the arena. Tony Santos descends down the entrance ramp, black trench coat on his back, taking slow, confident strides toward the ring. The disdain from the crowd pouring in, Tony Santos takes it all in with a smirk that would put Alex Rodriguez to shame.

The chorus (Could be the end of the world, I'd still be laid here on my own, wasting my life away!!!) hits, Santos ascends the stairs and climbs the turnbuckle, one hand raised in the air, depicting the championship he always assumes he holds. Boos mixed with indecision rain in from the crowd, Tony still smiling, still loving the life he lives and the job he holds.

Santos jumps off of the turnbuckle and hits the mat with his two feet, giving one more raised arm to the crowd, then turning toward the entrance ramp, awaiting his opponent...

Vegas: And his opponent, weighing in at 255lbs, from Future Ryan, Future Oklahoma, Tri Bute!

“Part of Your World” by Darren Criss hits. Tri Bute appears atop the stage, and removes his leather jacket and shirt. Wily fans know he either did or did not watch Twilight this week. Calmly entering the ring, Tri Bute nods to the referee.

Vegas: Your guest commentators for this match are Neonero and his future dinner.

Cameras briefly show Neonero with a large plate of Indian food in front of him. Weirdly, a mic resets against a bank of rice on the plate. Nero gives a thumbs up and we return to the ring as the bell rings. Bute and Santos are face to face in the center, mouthing insults and future insults at each other, and Santos takes the initiative, rearing back to punch Bute, but is surprised by a future eye poke! Reaching for his eye, momentarily incapacitated, Bute future hits the ropes and comes back with a ROLLING future eye poke to Santos’ good eye! Santos is desperately rubbing his eyes, which are stinging like crazy, and has no way of covering up as a future elbow smashes him in the temple, knocking him backwards a couple of steps. As he hauls himself up on the ropes, he somehow has the future foresight to detect a future lariat, which would’ve sent him careening over the top rope had he not future foreseen it. As it is, Bute misses and future careens out of the ring himself, leaving Santos some time to regain his sight through watery eyes.

This future malarkey is a bit unfair. Although Santos seemed to have the foresight of a chess master there, this time travelling is going to catch up sooner or later.

I’m future tasty, don’t forget to mix me with rice for that extra texture.

Certainly, chicken Dhansak. But please, let’s remember we have a match underway.

You should’ve past added a no forwards time travel stipulation in this match.

Yes well, I’m not as perfect as you, garlic naan.

While Nero remonstrates with his dinner, and we ponder how similar his dinner sounds to his own voice, Tri Bute is on his feet outside the ring, future rubbing his shoulder where he past landed awkwardly on the outside flooring. Inside the ring, Santos has gained his senses and before Bute future knew what was happening, Santos has flattened him with a present diving cross body to the outside! Fans pop and some even interrupt their ‘waggle bagga’ chants to shout ‘holy shit’. Santos instantaneously mounts Bute and unloads with a series of punches, with Bute barely future covering himself up.

Santos rolls off and picks up Bute, throwing him back into the ring, ending the ref’s count out at a measly 5, the spoilsport. Bute gets to his knees, but doesn’t have time to future detect an enziguiri, which smacks him hard and sends him back to the mat. Santos tries to grapevine Bute’s legs and goes for the Santos Stretch, but Bute future pushes him off before he has chance to turn him onto his stomach. Like a shark Santos returns to Bute’s legs, but this time Bute catches him with a future up-kick that’d be a highlight reel knockout on most mma shows. Santos goes stiff and falls to his back like a falling tree, completely rigid. Bute future rolls backwards, then uses the ropes to help him to his present feet.

I never saw Bute roll backwards before, we’re seeing something special here.

Some future showing off for sure.

Careful, future poppadom, I’m sure Bute isn’t averse to dipping you in salsa and future crunching you down.

Enough bickering, Bute just caught Santos with a future testicular claw!

This would ordinarily be a disqualification, but since refs can’t time travel, it will be one for the future appeals commission, should Tony feel strongly about it.

While Santos nurses his groin, Bute nips around him, hooking his waist and executing a ROLLING Future German Future Suplex. Fans gasp at the future dexterity, the move taking both men from one side of the ring to the other. Bute waists no time, as you’d expect from a time traveller, and covers Santos.

1










2





-NO!

Santos kicks out, a couple of milliseconds after the two count. Bute slaps the mat and picks Santos up, hitting a kneeling future fireman’s carry, a move usually executed on his feet. Perhaps he’s showing off, or perhaps he’s being relentless, but these are questions only the future world knows the answers to. Bute future baits Santos as he climbs to his feet, standing a few feet away, beckoning him silently with his hand. As Santos reaches his feet, he turns towards Bute, who nimbly sidesteps across the ring, attempting a ROLLING Super-future-kick, but Santos ducks under it – as Bute turns in momentary disorientation, Santos leaps in the air and hits a picture perfect head scissors takedown, which sends Bute headfirst into the padding on the turnbuckle’s second rope!

Bute rebounds awkwardly, and for a moment is flat out on his back. Santos sucks up his adrenaline, grabbing the top ropes and dextrously leaping to the top of the turnbuckle. Without a split second’s thought, he hits a split-legged moonsault, covering Bute...


1











2





-NO!

Bute kicks out at just past the two count, and replays help us relive the previous move, which had not previously been seen in Santos’ arsenal. Santos drags Bute to his feet, then takes his back, setting him up for a Russian Leg sweep, but instead of hitting the move we expect to see, he transitions into an octopus stretch.

I just had to wipe a tear from my eye, that was a beautiful transition.

Are you sure it wasn’t just my spicy goodness bringing a tear to your eye?

No, chicken madras. No.

Pain is etched over Bute’s face as Santos torques the stretch, extending his joints. Even Santos himself looks to be straining, such is the force he applies. The referee is asking Bute whether he gives in, but Bute is ignoring him. Unable to lift a hand in such a position, the referee shrugs at Santos, and just keeps asking Bute. Santos looks frustrated, and relinquishes the hold, dropping Bute with the Russian leg sweep after all, then immediately floats over and goes for an armbar. Bute future grabs his own arm, desperately fighting against Santos to prevent his arm being hyper-extended, then future realises his proximity to the ropes, grapevining the bottom rope with both legs, and pulling himself beneath them. Santos looks frustrated with this, and starts dropping knees against Bute’s shoulder region. The referee pulls him away, and he obliges, but only in as much as he hits the far rope, then comes back with a leaping double knee slide that basically punts Bute off the apron, except he is still future grapevined around the bottom rope, so he flies almost like a pendulum up and down, smacking his head on the ring apron and coming to rest, dangling precariously.

A harrowing look at Bute’s future career as a future Christmas decoration.

Santos slides to the outside, and unloads with a series of backhand chops, ferociously chopping until Bute’s legs give way, and he drops to the floor. Santos licks his lips, dragging Bute’s body a few feet from the ring, and mounts the ring apron...FINAL DESTINATION! Tony leaps into the air, arcing gracefully...but Bute future rolls to the side!

Santos just crashed and burned, and both these men suddenly look like they’re on their last legs, which way will this go?

Let’s not forget that the winner of this match still has a gruelling Pyramid of Hell ladder match to come. Perhaps the loser of this match will be the real winner in terms of physical health.

Sound logic, Onion Bhaji.

Both men slowly climb to their feet, with Bute rolling into the ring. Santos follows gingerly, and as he enters the ring, sliding under the bottom rope, Bute meets him with a leg drop to the back of the neck. Picking Santos up, Bute whips him into the ropes, then hits the ropes himself, and then...MORE TRI FOR YOUR BUTE! (He hits a Steamroller and immediately jumps onto the top rope and hits a Moonsault. Then he gets up and re-ascends the rope and hits a 450 Splash), and holds Santos’s leg for the count!


1








2




























3!

Vegas: The winner of this match, and entering the main event, Tri Bute!

Winner: Tri Bute

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And now, as we await the thrilling climax, Neonero treats you to some more kpop.


*any similarities purely coincidental

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THE FUCKED UP RESULT OF A COLLISION BETWEEN FIRE AND ICE, STEP COUSIN TO A WARM PUDDLE...