We recently joined three diehard wrestling fans named Jesse, Jimmy, and Carl who have gathered at the home of Carl's uncle Bill to discuss the possibilities surrounding the true identity of Mister Mystery 17 31707 1. Carl was in the process of explaining to his uncle his theory that there must be more than one person behind the false identity of Mister Mystery. Before Carl could even finish explaining; however, his uncle interrupted him by blurting out a name nobody would have expected to hear-


Donathan Alphonse Francois De Sade

-and that's precisely where we left off. Let's pick up right after Uncle Bill blurted that name out and shocked all three of them in the process.

Jimmy is the first to react as he tries to understand what Bill is suggesting.

Jimmy: "What the- Donathan De Sade? Wait, what are you saying? He's Mister Mystery? Or are you saying that if Carl's right and Sid Feder has an accomplice, that his accomplice is Donathan?"

Uncle Bill distributes a line of cocaine out on the table in front of him as everyone looks on. He pulls a straw out from between the cushions of the couch and uses it to snort the rather fat line he just laid out. He leans back where he sits and sniffs hard as his eyes nearly bulge out of his head.

Carl: "Guys, if my uncle is saying Donathan is involved then Donathan is involved -- this guy knows his shit."

Jesse can't help but look on in awe and wish he had a line too.

Jesse: "Yeah sure thing but you know what I'm wondering? Can I get a bump?"

Uncle Bill laughs and smiles, pulling a little baggie out of his pocket and pouring a bit of white powdery heaven onto a small mirror and passing it to Carl, who in turn passes it to Jimmy, who in turn passes it to Jesse.

Jesse: "What the fuck guys! You snorted all the shit!"

He's right -- Carl definitely took a snort before passing the mirror to Jimmy, and we all know Jimmy loves his cocaine. Jesse passes the mirror back down the line and once it reaches Bill, he distributes more onto it.

Bill: "Let him get his fix guys. Let's not be greedy here; I got a shit load more where this came from."

Now that the level of cocaine Bill has possession of has been established it's time to focus back on the matter at hand. Jesse wastes no time getting back on subject and questioning Bill.

Jesse: "Nobody has seen or heard from Donathan in a long ass time bro; what the fuck man, are you just shooting random names out of thin air here?"

Carl: "No no, guys, let's hear him out on this. He's a pro at this shit. What do you mean, Uncle Bill?"

Bill tries taking a nonexistent drag from the wrong end of an unlit cigarette and then dips it into his drink, which he then proceeds to take a healthy gulp of.

Uncle Bill: "It's Donathan -- He's your guy. There's a 100% chance that Donathan is involved with this and only a 99% chance that Sid Feder is directly involved."

Jimmy: "How do you figure? There's not a single thing as of late that should make someone think of Donathan De Sade. Also I'm still not clear on whether you're saying Donathan actually is Mister Mystery or not. From what I remember of Donathan, the two are complete opposites."

Uncle Bill: "Think back though guys; remember what brought Sid Feder to the XWF in the first place? It was because he was in search of the man who tried to kill him and his wife in some other federation five or six years ago. All of a sudden one day a mysterious man in a fedora arrived on Sid's doorstep and presented him with a package that gave him some sort of information, leading him to the XWF. Don't you druggies remember ((sniff, snort)) any of that? I don't think Donathan himself is the man we've been seeing for the most part in the recent Mystery promos but I'd bet my last bag of dope that Donathan is involved here. Donathan had an agenda of his own that gave him a reason to guide Sid to the XWF in the past; he wouldn't just do that shit out of the goodness of his heart; it had to be serving some sort of greater purpose.

Carl: "That's right! I forgot all about that! That's going pretty far back and I've smoked a lot of shit since then."

Uncle Bill: "Me too but I've got a memory like an Elephant and a nose like one too."

Says Bill as he snorts up another heaping helping of cocaine; this time just by pressing his nose into the sandwich baggie instead of wasting his time distributing it on a flat surface.

Carl: "This definitely adds on to my personal theory that there are at least two people involved here and that's not counting Gilmour, because let's be honest, Gilmour is just a tool in Mister Mystery's box of tricks at this point."

Jesse: "Agreed."

Jimmy: "Duh."

Uncle Bill: "((snort snort))"

Carl accepts a lit joint from Uncle Bill and takes a big ass hit.

Uncle Bill: "Hit that shit while I do more cocaine so we're all on the same level."

Jesse looks confused by that comment as he watches Carl and Jimmy nod in agreement.

Jesse: "What? How will that- oh, nevermind. Back on topic though, guys -- if Donathan was the one who originally sent Sid Feder to the XWF then how does that make you so sure Donathan is involved with what's going on now?"

Uncle Bill: "Because the name 'Sid Feder' has been coming up so much. That tells me that if Sid is a part of this, then Donathan by default is also a part of it because he's the mysterious benefactor that Sid has mentioned on rare occasions in the past before he went missing in action. On the other hand, if Sid is not a part of this then it's still coming from a direction in which Sid was heavily involved at some point and that's why the person wants us to think it's Sid; and if the person wants us to think it's Sid then they know whatever shit Donathan knew."

Jesse: "I don't know man; this is a little hard to follow but it could be because I'm high as fuck right now."

Carl: "No no, I see what Uncle Bill's saying here. Donathan was the source of Sid's arrival in XWF in the first place, so with how much Sid's name is being brought up now, it means Sid might be involved again but either way it means Donathan is involved because of something or other that we're not quite seeing. I still don't get what the point would be but I can see how Donathan could be a major part of this."

Jimmy: "Alright well then what's that tell us? What have we figured out here that's concrete?"

Uncle Bill: "Not shit, man. Not shit. Let's also remember I'm on a shit ton of drugs and I could be mixing shit up left and right in my head. Don't listen to a word I say, guys. I'm also known to be quite a conspiracy theory nut so I could just be jumbling facts in my head that don't even relate. Wouldn't be the first time. I once thought Barack Obama was really Rupaul in disguise, because he was hiding from the King."

Jimmy and Jesse both give each other the big "what the fuck" look as Carl accepts another bump of cocaine from his Uncle Bill. It would seem a lot has been accomplished during this visit, but the only question remaining is "a lot of what?"

Uncle Bill: "Long live the king, baby. Long live the king."

Uncle Bill grabs a remote and turns on his sound system which begins blasting some Elvis Presley.

---

A friendly meeting of the minds

It's just a few hours before today's installment of Shove It Saturday is set to take off and we're brought to an undisclosed location. For those who are living under a rock, I've been keeping close watch on Peter Gilmour's fiance for him and making sure Peter and I have a common bond for this weekend's upcoming war -- he wants to see his girl live, and I want to see somebody lose a whole lot of blood. Peter has been given directions to meet me "here" and I sure hope he's good at following directions via text message because I smashed my phone right after sending them. If he tries texting me back he's going to think I'm ignoring him when in all actuality I just wanted to keep things interesting and keep him on his toes. Me: "How's Peter with following directions sent to him via text?" I ask Rose that very simple question as I brush a few strands of her hair out from in front of her face. She still isn't super comfortable with me touching her but at least she knows I have no intention of raping her or anything like that. I've actually been treating her quite well when you consider the fact that she hasn't been physically abused in any manner what so ever. I really am trying to be a good tag team partner to Peter. Rose: "Well he sometimes gets confused if I text him directions to a place he has never been but that can happen to anyone." I just laugh a little, thinking to myself things that would only make her nervous. Well you better hope he doesn't get confused by all my abbreviations I sent him or it's your ass. Rose: "What's funny?" Me: "Hmm? Oh, nothing much; just a good joke I heard on the radio earlier today." Rose: "Really? I've been with you all day and I don't remember you turning on a radio." Me: "Heh; exactly, Rose." I check my watch and calculate in my mind that if Peter didn't get confused by my directions then he probably should be arriving here any second now. Rose: "I see. Well anyway, do you think the cops ever found that missing officer? The one they thought you raped and killed or something?" Who gives a flying fuck? Me: "I have no clue. All I know is I'm glad I had you as an alibi because they were thinking I did something horrible to that bitch. All I did when she approached me that other night was give her a Kool. I had people thinking I raped and slaughtered a cop when in reality she just liked the brand I smoked. Shortly after I gave her a cigarette and we briefly chatted about how that part of the neighborhood has really gone to shit, she had her attention drawn to a plea for help in the other direction and that was the last I saw of her. That was when I left the area and returned to the apartment that I was keeping you locked in, and then we ordered Chinese food and watched episodes of Cash Cab." Rose: I wonder what happened after she answered that call for help?" I don't. Me: "Yeah, so do I. I sure hope she's ok." I don't. Suddenly our really nice conversation gets interrupted by a knock at the door! Rose: "I bet that's Peter!" Me: "Oh wow; it looks like he managed to follow my directions promptly and accurately after all." ... The next several minutes can only be described as a work of pure magic on my part. Here I am; a man who had abducted the fiance of Peter Gilmour after being named his mystery partner against his will, and now I've got him eating out of my hand and thanking me? I'd show you all how this all went down but I'd hate to give away too many of my secrets. Let's just say I had a little help from a "friend" in all this, and the outcome was exactly as he had predicted it would be. Let's fast forward to the pleasantries and the thank yous. ... Peter: "I can't thank you enough, again. I was so worried about her!" Me: "Oh you're welcome Peter. As you can see this was all a part of a much grander movement and plan. Without me, she may have been in true danger." Peter: "Yes I see that now and again all I can do is say thank you. You've proven to me that I can trust you with my life." Peter shakes my hand and I remind him one very important thing. Me: "Just remember that nobody is to ever know about those details I just shared with you. Let them think whatever they want. All that matters now is that we're going to slaughter Sebastian Duke and Mr. XWF in the middle of that ring later tonight and we're going to do it as a cohesive unit. When all is said and done, it'll be celebration time and we'll all be able to look back on recent events with a smile and a laugh. Right, new friends?" Peter smiles and agrees, once again giving Rose a warm embrace as she smile as well; but something about her smile seems a bit more forced. I wonder why that could be. No I don't -- I know why. She wants her fiance to live, which means she'll keep playing along even after what she's seen me do. -- ToBeEnded in the ring --