"Holy shit. With every step you take it smells like half rotted anchovies are having an orgy in a kiddy pool full of Middle Eastern diahrrea. You should definitely get that shit checked out.

How in our sweet lord's name did a shard-born syphilis haven like you win the Federweight title? A belt held by such prestigious names as... Ah fuck, this belt is more worthless than a male nipple now that I think about it. Who are you exactly? The name sounds a bit familiar... Say! Aren't you the mentally stunted cherry hole that Vinnie Lane pretends to not be a inside of? Such a pleasure to meet you, I've always wondered what would happen if Toxic Avenger and Pretty Woman did a crossover, and it smells like I have my answer.

Enough with the pleasantries, I'm afraid. See, everyone's been kind of waiting for this moment. The Federweight championship was crafted specifically for me, the man who beat Feder more times than you've beaten strange men in an alley for three crack rocks and a lukewarm Diet Coke. It was always a given that I'd win this piece of shit belt if and when I ever felt a level of self loathing that would plummet me down to the depths of despair that sewer-pussed cumtraps like you dwell in. Well honey, I'm home. The great and mighty John Samuels has hit rock bottom and for some reason feels the need to fraternize with the XWF's bottom dwellers. This is probably great for you though right? I'm sure your pus-encrusted vulva swelled up just hearing my voice, you disgusting whore. You're literally making me sick just standing there. I'd slap you for masquerading as a champion, but I don't think Valtrex makes hand creams just yet. So I'll make you a deal, sweet cheeks: You hand me that belt that I've been letting you children play with while daddy had bigger fish to fry, and I won't report that toxic cesspool you call a babymaker to the CDC. I always thought Vinnie was a pussy but if he dives into that thing wearing anything less than a hazmat suit and a Teflon condom, then he's got some fucking guts. Or he's just -that- hard up for action, which is just as plausible.

Not gonna take the easy road, are you? My stomach just turned at the thought of physically removing the belt from you, you decaying whore. How am I going to get the stench out of it? I don't know which is worse, the smell of your rotten cunt or the tear stains from Vinnie's shortcomings. My first order of business will be to soak this fucking thing in Clorox and holy water, and then I'll be praying that Jesus himself has the power to cleanse the belt of the putrid diseases that your festering fuckhole have undoubtedly passed on."

Samuels sticks his whole arm in a Magnum condom and choke slams the bitch with it. He puts another condom on over his tennis shoe and steps on her face for the pin.


1






2

1X - GOAT.

Roxy kicks out by slapping Samuels' bird leg off of her and crab walks backward from him, crossing her legs at the ankles to keep his prying eyes away. Looking up at her attacker from the floor she smirks and pulls a compact from her purse to fix the damage he did to her makeup with his fake Italian shoe.


Why is it that as soon as a white woman shows her face in public she’s immediately accosted by a bunch of black men trying to get in on the action? Do you think you can add enough cream to your coffee that someday descendants of yours'll be treated like human beings? Or do you just think a credit score can be sexually transmitted and you’re tired of buying your grape-flavored blunt wraps with whatever you can get for that month’s food stamps?

John Samuels… a white man with black skin and an Asian dick. You’ve been gangbanged more by genetics than I have by cocks. Why not just finish the job and turn your hair red too?

Sugar, whatever you’re smelling isn’t me – it’s whatever society decided your people were worth. You think just because you became black by choice, by injecting melanin into your veins like some kind of ethnicity junkie, that you could get away from the drawbacks? Sorry, baby, it doesn’t work like that. And as every woman you’ve tried to work that ‘once you go black, you never go back’ bullshit on found out, you can’t inject dick size along with skin color.

And if that doesn’t explain the smell, well, I guess you let Theo cum on your upper lip again.

Seriously, though, what were you thinking, turning yourself black like that? That’s like being gifted a brand new Jaguar and trading it in for a beat up 1991 Ford Tempo. What good is that skin color to a guy who can’t dunk? What’s the point of being black when you rap about as good as Scully does? Shit, Tommy Wish has more flow than you. My flow gets soaked up into petite Kotex tampons and I bet people would still rather buy one of those than any sort of album you dropped, so what gives? Was trying to live up to the pressure of being a white man too much for you? Were you tired of underachieving and assumed people wouldn’t expect as much out of a lesser race?

Congratulations, though, at least you finally managed to fill up a Magnum. Too bad it took your whole arm… don’t you even lift, babe? That thing looks like a deflated bike tire that fell off the rim. I haven’t seen a limp, black muscle that worthless since I walked in on you slapping yourself around to that issue of Forbes with Pryce on the cover.

As for the Mad Lib diss-fest you tried to lay on me just now, it isn’t difficult to randomly throw words together to sound funny. Your face looks like a gorilla holding its breath while walking through a Laotian jack-shack and singing Bieber songs between shifts at the AIDS lab. See?

Now do a girl a favor and help me up before I scream and get you put away for 10-20, you description-fitting mook.

Oh, and John? If I WERE a whore, you wouldn’t be able to afford me. Not with all those child support payments Maury tricked you into paying, anyway.

But Roxy doesn't kick out! The huge ex-white man is too much for her to lift up a leg or a shoulder! Matthew Oaktree strolls by and taps the floor three times.

Winner and NEW Federwight champion: King John II!

"Congrats Samuels, you beat a woman in an argument, a victory so few can achieve."