05-03-2015, 09:25 PM
"Loverboy" - Final Thought. -->
JACK are you serious?
Did you not see in my previous release to the hungry masses of starving “Loverboy†Vinnie Lane fans? Wherein I explicitly stated that being blown off by one of your two opponents is disrespectful and rude? Then you drop that fifteen minutes of mindless bullshit and BARELY even acknowledge I’m in the match? Dude, I’M THE CHAMPION. I’M the guy you’re here to go after, you know? I’M the one who has something you want.
But no, go on and talk about Morbid Angel, as if he’s done anything other than wear cootchie cutters and paint his fingernails BLOOD RED for to take pics for his Grindr profile? Go ahead and try to find the last relevant thing Morbid Angel did, JACK, I’ll wait…
… ready? No? Okay…
… back? Good. Okay, great, you found him losing the Universal Title, right? Exactly. That’s the last thing of note that he did, dude. I mean, he took the cheap route and cashed in on a beaten down Samuels to get the strap in the first place, since even he’s smart enough to know that he’d never be able to beat the Senator in a straight up match, and then the next time Wesaw him he was getting punked by Gator. You might remember Gator having the title for about thirty seconds before Doc took if from him, just like Morbid did to Samuels… so basically, when you think of Morbid Angel and the Universal Title, you immediately think of the two lowest and most embarrassing moments the championship has ever had to endure.
What a legacy, right?
Yet that’s the dude you want to address, JACK. Thanks. Makes a guy like me feel really good about himself, you know? Even a scrub like you would rather talk about the other guy, no matter how shitty that other guy is. Awesome.
You wanna know a secret, JACK? This is really going to piss Morbid off, because he probably figured no one would ever find out. Hell, maybe he doesn’t even know… wouldn’t that be funny?
Anyway.
You know how Morbid like to chug his own man chowder between meals? I’m sure you’ve seen him doing it in his promos from time to time, when he’s not obsessively chasing after other dudes’ dicks. Anyway, when I visited him a few months back in his mansion I found out he has quite the wine cellar. He ages his own spunk in barrels and the bottles it for his guests. I always brought my own, dude. You ever visited him? I bet you have.
So I snatched one of the more recent vintages… I want to say it was a 1997? I can’t really remember and I didn’t keep the bottle, because Roxy’s really into recycling these days. I took a sample and I sent it in to the Los Angeles crime lab. I know some people there, dude, I’m a pillar of the community and shit, you know? They did me a solid and ran a DNA screen.
You want the long version or the short version, JACK? I don’t know if you’re late for a bandage change or whatever, you know?
I’ll sum it up. Morbid’s part negro. Yup. It’s honestly not that surprising when you think about it. How else could that overweight old man still be so athletic? And why else would he have such a problem with authority? The mighty nazi Morbid has oil in his water, dude. Isn’t that hilarious?
But dude… that’s not even the best part.
Are you sitting down?
They found something else in the screen, man, and I’m not talking about the AIDS. Everyone knows about the AIDS.
You did know about the AIDS, right? You weird burn victim types get infections pretty easily from what I remember from watching my old ER box set.
Right, anyway, the other big revelation. Did you know there such things as black jews? I guess it’s kinda rare, like a pro wrestling mummy with a decent record, but it happens. Sammy Davis Jr. was jewish. Crazy, right? Well, guess what? So’s Morbid.
I know! Is that fucked up or what?
Dude, I know you think I’m just talking shit, but who are you going to believe – me, who’s never lied to you or been deceitful in any way, or the dude who likes to drink glasses of his own jizz with dinner?
Yeah, exactly.
So dude, JACK, let’s talk about you real quick, since I’m not an asshole and I’m not going to just blow you off like you don’t matter, even though you’re clearly coming in third out of three in this match.
JACK… man, I almost feel bad for you. I mean, do I look silly for calling your band aids a fake gimmick or what? I mean, dude, you proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really are what you claim to be, a burnt up freak, by producing irrefutable evidence. A random picture of a burnt up freak. Man was my face red when you did that! I mean, not as red as your skinless, burnt up husk of ‘skin,’ but pretty red, man.
But for real, I feel bad. I mean, I’ve wrestled people who hate themselves before… hell, everybody hates themselves once they get a look at me… Cain hated himself. He hated what he saw in the mirror, just like you did. But dude, he didn’t set himself on FIRE.
I mean…. What did you think would happen, man? You can’t just burn off your face and have people forget what kind of dipshit you were before, right? It doesn’t work that way, man! We live in a world full of cell phones and tablets and stuff like that… there’s an internet. Your old, dumb face is floating around out there just as much as your new, dumb face.
Look. Roxy and me, we have this charitable foundation thing. We do anti-bullying campaigns around the LA area. You could get involved, dude, tell your story. You know, we have a girl who’s real fat. I mean REALLY fucking fat. Like, ‘based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire’ fat. She could probably chug three or four of Morbid’s best bottles of dude goo and still have room for dessert, you know? But this chick, she got bullied real bad and tried to kill herself, just like you! But she survived slitting her wrists because her blood had become the consistency of maple syrup, and now she helps save lives. You could do that too, dude! Just talk about how it happened. Tell the kids how your dad hated you, how your mom immediately got her tubes tied after you managed to survive having her umbilical cord knotted around your weak baby neck for nine months, how even your creepiest uncle couldn’t get it up to molest you… you know, the shit we all know about you as soon as we look at you.
You could make a real difference, man. Imagine all the little ugly trans kids who could be inspired by your journey to accept yourself for who you are when the world only sees a lump of failure and shame? You could go from an easily forgettable wrestler with no chance of ever being a singles champion to being someone who MATTERS for the first time in your life.
Dude. Just think about it.
Hey, I tell you what, man, if it sweetens the deal, after this Monday when I drop you on your mummy head and knock you unconscious in front of the entire world, I’ll let you touch the HART belt… for, like, I dunno… thirty seconds?
It’s the closest you’re ever going to get, dude.
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"Loverboy" - Final Thought. -->
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