Cambot…

BEEP. BEEP.

Video, please.

The scene pops open, showing “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane looking resplendent with his new platinum wig affixed to his head with a bedazzled hot pink bandanna as he sits in a darkened bedroom, backlit by what looks like a bathroom light behind him. Over the sounds of a shower emanating from the bathroom is the singsong voice of a beautiful woman named Roxy as she sings to herself in the shower unseen.

Taking a moment to make sure the Federweight Championship belt is visible in the scene by shrugging it higher onto his shoulder and wiping off the gleaming face of it with one fingerless-gloved hand, Loverboy grins wide and begins to speak in his traditionally powerful voice.

Austin Fernando, hello again kiddo.

It’s story time – are you ready?

Today, I want you to scoot yourself to the front of the class and sit right in front of teacher as I try to demonstrate to you exactly why they say if you don’t listen to the lessons of the past then you’re doomed to repeat them in the future.

Today, I’m going to tell you the tale of Daedalus and Icarus.

You see, Daedalus was a megastar. Daedalus was envied by all the other artists in the world, and soon enough he was outshining them all. Eventually though, his own hubris caused him to make a mistake – he killed another artist out of spite and jealousy and the desire to stay the best of the best.

Daedalus was sent to Minos as a prisoner rather than a hero, and he was tasked with one of the grandest feats of the ancient world: designing and creating the legendary labyrinth of the Minotaur.

So, Daedalus created the infamous prison and along the way he had a son named Icarus with one of King Minos’ slave girls. It seemed that perhaps he would turn his life around and be the respected celebrity he had always dreamed of being.

But then love happened.

You see, when Theseus arrived to slay the frightening Minotaur, the king’s daughter Ariadne fell madly in love with him, and so she came to the one man who knew the secrets of the impenetrable labyrinth, its architect, Daedalus.

Daedalus, for the sake of the love between Ariadne and Theseus, gave her his secrets and the Minotaur was slain. King Minos was furious, and he then imprisoned both Daedalus and his son Icarus in the maze.

Now pay attention, Austin, this is where the story gets applicable to you and I. I know you probably didn’t do much reading up to this point in your life in your outback school for future alligator wranglers, but an education is an important part of any young man’s life.

Loverboy takes a second to grab a bottle of water from somewhere nearby in the dimly lit room, draining half of the plastic bottle in one gulp and then wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and letting out a refreshed sigh.

With the Federweight belt moved from one shoulder to the other, Loverboy continues.

Anyway, back to the tale.

Daedalus created a scheme to escape with his son. He crafted two sets of grand wings from feathers and wax, and soon the father and son were aloft, flying across the sea and towards Sicily.

Daedalus had warned Icarus not to attempt to fly too high, but the young boy didn’t listen. He thought he could tempt fate. Icarus believed he was unstoppable, as the exhilaration of flight caused his ego to swell.

Icarus flew too high, and the sun melted the wax in his wings, causing him to crash into the sea and drown.

Do you see the metaphor here, kid? Is it clear enough to you that maybe you’ve gotten in a little over your head, dude?

Now, you might be thinking, ‘if Loverboy is saying I’m Icarus, then he isn’t doing himself any real favor saying he’s Daedalus! Daedalus was just as flawed, and he spent the rest of his life miserable!’

That’s true.

But Austin, I’m not Daedalus.

I’m the fucking sun.

I’ll melt your wings and send you spiraling back down to reality faster than you can say you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. And when that realization finally does dawn on you, dude? It’ll be way too late. It’s already way too late.

Here you are, walking around barefoot in the Aussie scrublands and sticking every didgeridoo you can find into your smug mouth, and trying to convince the world at large that you’re on my level.

You’re not on my level.

You’re a kid with melting wings.

You’re a punk trying to stay out of the gutter.

You’re brand new trash on its way to the dumpster.

You, Austin Fernando, are two days shy of the biggest lesson you’ll have learned in your young life.

You don’t pull on Superman’s cape,

You don’t spit into the wind,

You don’t pull the mask off the old lone ranger,

And you don’t fuck around with Vin.

Understand one thing, Austin… I have literally nothing to gain and nothing to lose here. My destiny is already set. I’m already one of the top stars this business has ever seen. I’m already on the cover of every magazine, the top of every list, and in bold on the marquees of every arena we go to around the world. It’s cute that you think one of your pre-pubescent glamor shots being on display for your star of the month award compares to my achievements. The reason I even bothered pointing out my presence on top of the XWF official website was to illustrate the fleeting nature of your own relevance and the enduring legacy of my own.

You, on the other hand, are fighting to stay in the spotlight. You have everything to lose, and everything to gain. Imagine the fanfare of having beaten the very best? Look what it did, momentarily, for Justin Sane! That’s how he got that oh so coveted star of the month award himself, you know. It’s why he could be a Universal Champion himself sooner than later. Because proving you have what it takes to hang with the heroes gets peoples’ attention in a way that you, poor Austin, are never going to get to understand.

Because, Austin, there are countless stars in the sky, but none of them are megastars like me. I’m a giant. I’m a supernova. I’m the big bang, baby. You? You’re a little red dwarf.

Eventually, most stars burn out and fade away. For you that starts on Monday and ends on March 1st, when you collapse back into the black hole of mediocrity you were before kissing the right asses at the right times. When a new star of the month reaches its zenith. All the while, there I’ll be – a constellation with a magnitude of brightness so large you’ll still see it with your eyes closed.

Deal with the fact that long after your Playgirl back page insert picture gets taken down and replaced with another washout, my smiling face will still be right where it belongs, right at the top, looking down on you like I always do.

I’m going to do a favor for the millions of my fans that will be watching Madness this week to see me dismantle you and expose you for the fraud that you are – I’m going to give a preview, a synopsis, for exactly how our little match is going to go.

Ready?

I’m going to let Johnathan into the ring first, because I know how much you think you want to tangle with me. He’s going to frustrate you. He’s going to surprise you with how much talent and ability he has. He’s going to make you tired with his speed and his top rope heroics.

Then, he’s going to tag me.

You won’t be beat that easily, of course not. You’ll still be at 99 percent or so at that point, Johnny just wants to play with you, get in your head, see if you have what it takes. He’ll save his energy for the coup de grace.

I’ll come in the ring and I’ll show you how good you’ll never be, Austin. You’ll be fast but I’ll be faster. You’ll be strong but I’ll be stronger.

You’ll be good.

I’ll be great.

And when you figure it out, when I finally get to see that irksome smile of your turn upside down in realization of what’s to come, you’ll tag out.

You’ll run away.

Kendall Sawyer will get the pleasure of receiving the two-way beat down that’s usually reserved for incoming porn starlets when they mistakenly sign up for a scene with Facial Abuse. She’ll get passed back and forth like a joint at a Pantera concert, and ground into the dirt right in front of you. BECAUSE of you. BECAUSE you weren’t good enough to do anything about it, and BECAUSE you were then too afraid to try.

Face it, Austin. Kendall isn’t prepared to be abandoned in the way that you inevitably will on Monday. She’s used to partners of a certain caliber. A certain quality and ability that you lack, quite frankly. She’s been at the top of the mountain and stood on the apron with one of the greats by her side. When you fail to deliver on that kind of a scale, she’ll be left hanging out to dry like your piss-soaked sheets in the Gold Coast sun from two or three years ago.

Twisting and turning and unable to withstand the gale force winds crushing her from every direction, she’ll turn back to you in desperation, broken, feeble, and defeated. She’ll tag you in because she won’t have any other choice. She’ll tag you in to do the losing for her because she knows she doesn’t deserve to take the pin after having the career she’s had.

And when you finally get your knees to stop shaking and you get in the ring again, that’s when the dénouement will commence. The heroes of the story, Johnny Heartsford and myself, will take apart the foil piece by piece. We’ll take your legs away. We’ll take your strength away. We’ll take your breath away. And finally, when your spirit is completely broken, I will personally take your consciousness away by driving your skull into the mat so hard that you’ll think you’ve been in a plane crash.

And then… then, Austin?

Then I’m going to tag the Knight back in just to let him hook your leg and pin you, one, two, three.

Because you don’t deserve the honor of being pinned by a true legend, a true megastar, like me.

Isn’t that going to be fun, little buddy? Aren’t you excited to learn the EXACT moment that your sharp decline begins? Aren’t you happy that you can take a deep breath knowing that it will all be over soon? That you’ll be plummeting back to Earth and burning up in the atmosphere?

A falling star.

Fitting.

The singing and the shower stop in the background, and shadows begin to move in the fingers of steam rolling across the light from behind Loverboy. He winks at the camera and smiles broadly, setting the Feder belt aside.

Looks like it’s time to get to bed with an angel for me, Austin, but it’s been real fun. Someday, maybe when you pull your head out of the Australian sand, you’ll maybe be able to recover from Madness and rebuild your reputation. You might even be able to succeed as a pro wrestler. Just keep in mind, dude, that no matter what, I’ll always have it all… the looks, the ability, the girl, the LIFE. And I’ll have had it the whole time you were getting swatted like a fly. Until then…

Goodnight, Little Prince.

Cambot…

BEEP. BEEP.

End video, dude.

The scene fades to black as Loverboy smiles into the camera lens and disappears.

Baby, who were you talking to?

Never mind him, angel… get over here…

Oh… OH! Ooooooooh…