Friday, December 5, 2014 – 9:00 pm.


“Baby?”

“Loverboy” Vinnie Lane must have zoned out. Standing in the center of the posh Los Angeles apartment he’d been sharing with Roxy Cotton for a while, slack-jawed, and staring at the cell phone in his hand, Loverboy spun in the direction of Roxy’s voice like someone roused from a deep sleep.

“What? Whoa… damn. Sorry. What’s up, sugar?”

Roxy smiles and actually tinges a slight shade of embarrassed red; not a small feat to make this girl blush.

“I love it when you call me sugar. It’s so cute.”

“Well, baby, you know you’re my sweet thing! Are you ready to hit the town?”

Somehow sighing and laughing at the same time, Roxy shakes her head slightly and rolls her eyes.

“I’M ready, but I think Princess Todd needs your help.”

“What? Oh, come on! Are you serious? Where is he?”

“He won’t come out of the bathroom. He says he thinks he looks stupid.”

“He DOES look stupid. I can’t fix that, dude. The only thing more likely to be shot down tonight is a black man with his hands up. But I promised I’d try, you know? He’s my… friend.”

“I know babe… and you’re a good friend. A good guy. Those XWF assholes don’t know what they’re talking about when they say otherwise, don’t worry.”

“Ah, I’m guessing you saw Justin Sane’s promo? I just got done watching it. Almost put me in a coma.”

“I did. Todd had some footage of it he was editing. He has a girlfriend now?”

“I guess, I don’t know. Dude definitely needed to get laid, it might help clear up the steroid acne across his chest if he gets a little more chemically balanced.”

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

Loverboy actually has to take a step back. He seems blown away by the question, but decides to run with it and pretends to be sizing Roxy up, looking her up and down and rubbing his chin while pursing his lips.

“Hmmm…”

“You asshole.”

Roxy playfully swats at Loverboy, finishing by hooking her index finger through the collar of his Motley Crue t-shirt and pulling him towards her for a quick peck on the lips.

“Baby, no one is prettier than you. From nose to toes, you are the hottest piece of action on the planet, and you know it.”

“Well, I know you think so, and that’s what matters.”

“Aw baby… you’re the best.”

The two start to kiss again, but Roxy pulls back suddenly, remembering the task at hand.

“Oh! Vinnie, you’ve got to get Todd out of the bathroom. He’s threatening to inhale all of my Aqua Net to try and kill himself.”

“What a big baby. Jesus. It’s just a pair of pants, you know?”

Loverboy struts over to the bathroom door and raps on it with the side of his fist impatiently as Roxy finishes gathering her things. Loverboy’s smile disappears quickly as Todd ignores the knock completely.

“Todd! Todd, dude, open the door. This is so stupid!”

“I look like a Vinnie!”

“So? You always look like a , what’s wrong with trying something new? We’re gonna get you a chick tonight, man, Whisky A Go Go is crawling with hot girls!”

“Girls don’t like me! I don’t wanna go! I miss Gator!”

“Dude, we all miss Gator. He’ll be back, man! And he’ll be so proud of you if you get some blonde floozy to knock the dust off of Little Todd.”

“I can’t!”

“Dude this is ridiculous.”

Loverboy slides down into a sitting position in the hallway, hooking his arms around his knees.

“Look, Todd… I’m gonna tell you a secret. This is between you and me, dude, got it?”

Meekly, Todd’s voice whimpers from behind the closed bathroom door.

“Yeah… I promise, Vinnie.”

“Okay, good. You see… a long time ago, I knew a dude who had no faith in himself, just like you. I knew him pretty well, and he was a really cool dude! He was smart, he was nice to people, he always tried to do the right thing, but chicks just weren’t into him, you know?”

Loverboy adjusts his position, trying to find a way for his tall frame to be comfortable while bent in half in the small hallway.

“This dude got shot down night after night after night, man, but you know what he did? He never gave up. He never let it get to him, man, he just lived his life and followed his heart, and eventually he found a girl who saw him for the catch that he was, man. But the thing about it is, dude, he never, ever would have found that hot dime piece just chilling in the bathroom, too afraid to hit the scene, you know? The only way to win is lose over and over and over again until you hit it big. You gotta be a man and take it on the chin a few times, dude. You know what I mean?”

After a brief moment of silence, there is a click as the bathroom door unlocks. Loverboy jumps to his feet and straightens himself out, bringing his award-winning smile back to his face as the doorknob slowly turns. Finally, the cherubic face of Todd peeks out of a crack between the door and the wall, and, although he’s obviously been crying from the look of his bloodshot eyes, he manages to smile back.

“Vinnie… that was you in the story, wasn’t it?”

Loverboy laughs out loud, actually having to steady himself with his hands on his knees to keep from falling over.

“What? No way, dude, I’ve been swimming in hot pussy my whole life, dude – look at me!”

Loverboy sticks his hand into the door, opening it further.

“Come on out dude, let me take a look at you. We need to get moving.”

Reluctantly, Todd steps out of the bathroom. Looking down at the tight leather pants he’s somehow squeezed himself into, he shuffles down the hallway a few feet before finally meeting Loverboy’s stare.

“I told you, I look stupid. My ass is all sweaty, too. Do I have to wear these?”

“Yes! You need to get out of your comfort zone, dude. This is Los Angeles, man! This is where Van Halen and Guns n’ Roses got their starts! You think chicks in a Sunset Boulevard club want to talk to some chubby dude in sweat pants and a beanie?”

“I’m not taking off my beanie! I have a sensitive scalp!”

“Fine, whatever, keep the stupid beanie, but here… put this on at least.”

Loverboy retrieves a leather jacket from a closet, helping Todd slide his arms through the sleeves.

“There you go, dude! Bad ass!”

Todd seems skeptical, but just then Roxy walks up behind him and slips her slender hands around the portly cameraman’s waist.

“Who’s this sexy motherfucker in my apartment?”

Stunned, Todd can barely breathe as Roxy leans in and kisses Todd on the cheek, leaving a perfect set of lipstick prints on his pale skin. He closes his eyes and moans a little as Roxy steps back.

“Oh shit, did he…”

“TODD! Did you cream your pants again, dude?”

“No! That was ONE TIME! That never happened before!”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one plenty of times. Vinnie, are we ready to go?”

“I am. Todd, you feeling the confidence yet, dude?”



“I am. Let’s do this!”

The three of them walk together out the apartment door, heading for the steps. Just as Roxy locks up, Todd seems to remember something.

“Oh, Vinnie! I need to drop this in the mailbox first… it’s Gator’s birthday! I want to send him this cool card we all signed!”



“Oh, right! Definitely make sure we do that.”

Todd turns to head for the mailbox, but as he twists his body around, the leather of his pants catches together due to his utter lack of any kind of thigh gap and he trips over his own feet. Before either Loverboy or Roxy can react, Todd tumbles down the cement steps and lands right on his knee.

“Oh, great!”

“Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow… Vinnie it hurts!”

“Dude… chicks love a guy with some kind of handicap, this is perfect! You’re gonna get your first taste of pity pussy!”




Saturday, December 6, 2014 – 9:00 am.


“Jesus CHRIST!”

“What is it baby?”

“The fucking phone has been ringing off the hook all morning, dude! I’m trying to sleep off this nasty hangover, and every ten minutes some chick is prank calling Todd!”

“Oh, that’s cruel… what does she say?”

“She’s all… oh, I just wanted to see if he was home yet, I wanted to talk to him about last night, I really like him… blah blah blah. Obviously she’s full of crap.”

“Well, he did leave the Whisky with that pretty brunette, remember?”

“I know, but come on. He was limping all over like a cripple, and he could barely make eyes contact with that girl. She took him back to her place because she felt sorry for him, you know? Those kinds of girls don’t call you the next day, man.”

The two are cut off as the phone rings again. Loverboy throws up his hands and starts to move toward the handset, but Roxy stops him.

“I’ll get it this time, babe. Relax.”

“Who the fuck even still has a landline anyway, Roxy? It’s almost 2015!”

“I like it! Be nice! Hello?”

Roxy grins and cups her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone to mute her voice as she talks to Loverboy.

“You’re right! It’s definitely that girl from last night! I think she’s serious, Vinnie!”

“You’re crazy… put it on speaker.”

Roxy presses a button on the telephone, and the apartment fills up with the tinny sound of a valley girl’s voice.

“So, like, yeah… this is Brandy from last night at the club? I was hoping Todd was, like, back home already… I really dig him and want to make sure I get him before some other lucky bitch does. You know?”

“Brandy, I remember you! This is Roxy… we did body shots off of each other, remember?”

“Oh yeah! Totally! You have great tits, TBH!”

“TBH, you do too! So you and Todd hooked up?”

“Girl, you have no idea. That man is an animal, and he was everything I could handle once I got him back to my place and finally got those awful pants off of him. Who wears that kind of shit?”

“Hey!”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, Brandy, just my cockatoo. Listen, I think it’s great you guys had fun, and as soon as Todd gets back here I’ll give him your message, okay? I promise. I know my boyfriend was probably an asshole when you called but he’s always a dick when he’s hungover.”

“Yeah, I can tell. Cool, I’ll let you get back to your day! I just hope he doesn’t blow me off. Ciao!”

The line goes dead and Roxy jogs back to bed with Vinnie, pulling of the Crue shirt she borrowed from him to sleep in.

“Vinnie, can you believe it? Todd actually got some from Brandy!”

“Something doesn’t make sense, dude. I don’t care what you say. I know a thing or two about chicks, man, and this doesn’t add up.”

“Oh Vinnie, just be happy for him!”

“I am! I’m happier for me though… god damn, baby, look at you. That slut was right… those tits are fantastic.”

“Vinnie!”

Roxy slaps at Loverboy’s face while giggling and shaking her body for him, then she slides onto him and starts kissing him deeply, rocking back and forth on top of him. As she begins to moan, the sound of the front door slamming shut startles her and she pops off of him, covering herself with the satin sheet just in time before Todd walks into the bedroom.

“Hey guys! Thanks SO much for last night. I had such a good time. You were right Vinnie! Those pants were like magic or something!”

“Yeah dude! I told you, you just have to believe in yourself. That’s what chicks want!”

“It’s amazing what a little self-confidence can do!”

“Todd, Brandy called for you. The girl from last night? I left her number on the notepad. She seems nice!”

“Awesome!”

“Yeah dude, good job! And it looks like your limp is easing up a little. I knew you were playing it up! Good one there, dude!”

“Oh I wasn't faking - I went to the doctor first thing this morning, Vinnie. I got my x-ray right here! Just some swelling, they gave me a prescription and it feels way better. Here, take a look while I got call Brandy back! Thanks again man! You’re the best!”

Todd drops off a manila envelope as he hurries off to the kitchen, and Roxy opens the tab and starts pulling out the x-ray photo.

“Chicks dig confidence? Really?”

“Hey, I’m trying to help the little dude out. He doesn’t have to know it was a pity fuck, right? Besides, she’ll let him down easy and… what the fuck?”

Loverboy has the x-ray pulled out entirely, and both he and Roxy’s jaws both drop when they look at it.




“Wow…”

“Well, damn. That explains everything.”