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"Loverboy" - Rock of Love Ep. 3
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Vincent Lane Offline
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10-07-2014, 09:43 AM Heart  "Loverboy" - Rock of Love Ep. 3 -->




After a tumultuous and crazy start, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s Rock of Love special event ends tonight! Last week, Loverboy chose the delicious Demi to spend the night with him in the Loverboy Suite – let’s check in on them and see how their night went.


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Loverboy: God damn, baby? You already want more? I swear I already knocked the bottom out of that thing last night!

Demi: Like, for you, this kitty cat is bottomless!

Loverboy: Awesome! But seriously, dude, I’d love to go into extra innings with you, but we’ve got to go downstairs for the show, man. I’m contractually obligated you know?

Demi: Oh, boo.

((Loverboy looks like he might actually break into tears as Demi rolls away and stands up, facing her aesthetically perfect ass at him as she bends over to retrieve her clothes. She senses his dismay and the effect she’s having on him and wiggles her rear at him. Loverboy has no choice but to grab a nearby pillow and bite into it, screaming his disappointment into the hypoallergenic feathery filling and punching at the pillow for emphasis.))

Loverboy: GRRR! Hey, this pillow tastes just like your lipstick!

Demi: It ought to, I spent half the night with my face buried in it. Don’t you remember?

((As if to remind him, Demi bends over at the waist again, leaning deep to retrieve her bra and sticking her posterior right in Loverboy’s face again. For a second time, Loverboy wails into the pillow.))

Loverboy: MMMMMMMMMMMM!!!







What began with ten different hopeful women from across the United States has already been reduced to five. As we started the day, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane had planned on taking the five girls out a rousing night of drinking, debauchery and one of his favorite activities, karaoke. Unfortunately, things didn’t quite pan out. Let’s catch up with the rock n’ roll megastar and hear it in his own words.

((Loverboy is sitting in his interview position – wearing his shades, his bright red bandanna, denim jacket and fingerless leather gloves, he looks exasperated while describing the turn of events in the Rock of Love house.))

Loverboy: Dude! I had the girls lined up, just like the last two times, right? All five of them were waiting and looking stoked to chill with yours truly, but it definitely seemed like two of them were maybe a little more into each other than they were with me! Then, late last night, the producers knocked on the door of the suite and started yammering about something going on in Aiko and Blythe’s room, man. They told me I could see the footage today, which is really sweet because it sounded like it was pretty hot! So, roll the tape, man!

((The scene switches to a night vision camera revealing exclusive footage from the night before.))


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Loverboy: What the hell was that? I mean, it was adorable and all, but I don’t understand…

Random Producer Offscreen: Oops, my bad, Vinnie. Wrong camera. That was outside your bathroom window. Apparently some hobo left a shitty pair of underpants out there and it was attracting deer.

Loverboy: Oh, weird… I can’t imagine how those drawers got out there! Uh… damn homeless people! Anyway, let’s see the good stuff!

((We then get to see the grainy night vision footage of the two girls in bed together.))


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Loverboy: Oh yeah, that’s way sexier! Those two chicks can’t get enough of each other! Look at ‘em, go, just rolling around and stuff like a couple of… people… rolling around in a bed.

Random Producer Offscreen: You think that’s crazy? Wait ‘til you see what happened in the dining room later on!

((The camera then shows a shot of the breakfast nook.))


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Loverboy: Holy shit! Are they… ?

Random Producer Offscreen: Yup. Ass to ass. It’s like seeing a unicorn. I’ll never forget this day.

Loverboy: Me either, dude! Last time I saw something like this it was when Scully and Maverick were racing to see which one of them could get the other’s balls into their mouth first.

((Loverboy sits and grins quietly for an awkwardly long time.))

Loverboy: OH! The show!







Yes, the show!

Later in the morning, the three remaining girls gathered in their usual place on the raised stage platform of the living room looking confusedly around the room and waiting expectantly for the other two to arrive. Eventually, “loverboy” Vinnie Lane walks down the spiraled stairway flanked by his closest confidants, Roxy Cotton and Big Daddy Cool Diesel!

((As the girls murmur amongst themselves, Loverboy strides in front of them and raises his hands in the air to quiet them down.))

Loverboy: Ladies! If I could just, like, get your attention for one quick minute… there’s been a real weird turn of events, dude, and it turns out that you three girls are the only ones left! I guess Blythe and Aiko fell in love or something, and are gonna spend the rest of their lives being scissor sisters. What that means is great news for you three though! It sucks a little because we were gonna do karaoke today, but something tells me skipping ahead to the final elimination round will prove to be just as much fun for you chicks as it will be for me! Basically what we’re gonna do is have a triple threat, no holds barred, one fall, PUDDING WRESTLING MATCH! It’s gonna be awesome!

Candy: Yay!

Demi: Like, yay!

Marcy: Aw, crap.

Loverboy: I can’t wait, dude! First though, I want each of you to meet individually in the interview room to share your thoughts on me, the show, and what you hope happens at the end! I’m gonna go change into my refereeing gear, because I want to get right in this thing! Good luck, ladies!

((Loverboy starts to walk away, but Diesel grabs him by the arm gently.))

Diesel: Shawn? Um. This is usually the part where I take the loser girl back into my room for a little ride of the 18 wheeler.

Loverboy: Yeah, I know dude, that sucks that those two chick ran off with one another and left you blue ballin’. It was totally inconsiderate of them!

Diesel: For sure… but the thing is… well… I already popped my little blue pill, you know what I mean?

Loverboy: Dude, you take Viagra?

Diesel: Yeah, man! Not because I NEED to or anything, it just gives me a whole other level to things. Like, you know how pizza is awesome, but it’s AMAZING when you put parmesan cheese on top? Well, Viagra is like my parmesan cheese.

Loverboy: Oh yeah? Sounds like maybe I should check it out! Anyway dude, like I said, I’m sorry about all that but there’s really nothing I can do about those two greedy bitches quitting like that!

Diesel: Oh I know it’s not your fault, Shawn! You know I would never, ever accuse you of something like that! But what I was gonna say is… well, yesterday I sent a picture of my wang to Roxy…

Loverboy: Dude! You figured out how to send a text?

Diesel: What? No…

Loverboy: Snapchat?

Diesel: Those aren’t even words, Shawn!

((Roxy Cotton saunters over, leaning into Loverboy’s ear.))

Roxy: He sent it to me in an envelope, Vinnie. With a 32 cent stamp. I just happened to find it in the mailbox earlier when I checked the mailbox because it was addressed to Jenny McCarthy and it had one of those old WWF trading card stickers as a seal.

Loverboy: Oh! Well, that’s cool, so what’s your point, man?

Roxy: He wants your permission for me to go down on him.

Loverboy: Um… well, do you want to?

Roxy: It’s a pretty nice dick.

Diesel: HOOORRRRNNN!!!

Loverboy: Well, shit, go ahead! Sharing is caring, dude!

Diesel: ROCK ON!!!

((Diesel and Roxy wander off to the back, and Loverboy shrugs to the camera.))







((In the interview room, Demi has taken a seat in front of the camera and she smiles sweetly before talking in her hyper-feminine voice.))

Demi: So, like, I REALLY wanna win this show! I mean, wrestling is pretty lame, and I don’t really care about rock music – I’m more into EDM right now – but Vinnie is actually, like, kinda cool! And his cock has one of those really subtle curves to it, you know? It’s like… a shoehorn! Just slightly to the left? And it gets me just right, like, right on the special secret spot that most of the guys I screw around with can’t ever find. I mean, two out of three Jonas Brothers didn’t even get it all the way in, and the third one cried! Vinnie really knows what he’s doing, and, like, that’s hard to find in the business of starfucking!

I think I really knew, like, I wanted to be with Loverboy when I Googled how much the XWF pays their stars! Like, Vinnie drives a Jaguar now, just because it’s in that one Pink Floyd song about money. Isn’t that, like, awesome? To just, like, have so much money that you can waste it on things about money? That kicks so much ass! And now hopefully the needles I put through his rubber and the fertility drugs I’ve been on get me a sweet payday! Hooray wrestling!

((Switching scenes, the camera now shows Marcy sitting in the same interview-like setup. She looks dismayed and downtrodden.))

Marcy: The thing is, I really didn’t know when I signed up for this show that I’d end up actually LIKING Vinnie Lane. I mean, sure, he’s got the kind of body you buy posters of, and he has those beautiful sky blue eyes, but I’ve never ended up with the hunks. I get led on and told I’m pretty just long enough for my skirt to get hiked up over my hips against my computer desk, and then I never hear from that guy again, you know? Or I end up with the nice guys who can’t even find their penises underneath their amorphous fupas. Now I finally find a cute guy who turns out to be a nice guy too, but I have to fight two other girls for him? Me? A nerd completely bereft of athletic ability? What am I going to do out there? I don’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch!

All I know is, I’m the only one of these three girls who has yet to really spend any degree of romantic time with Vinnie. I know I had my chance yesterday and blew it on playing table top Dungeons and Dragons…. But it was ADVANCED Dungeons and Dragons! I’ve had the same drow elf paladin since I was 14 years old, it’s as much a part of me as wrestling and rock n’ roll are to Vinnie! I was just stupid to think someone so good looking, so successful and so popular would want to play a dumb game with an even dumber girl. I’ve got to prove to him that I deserve to be his personal champion, and I’ve got to do it tonight – in a wading pool full of pudding. Ugh.


((Finally, the camera again fades and returns to show the last contestant, Candy, as she sits in the interview chair blinking vacantly.))

Candy: …….. Huh? Oh, my bad! I was watching my eye floatie!

((The camera sits focusing on Candy for several silent minutes until it becomes apparent that she’s just done talking, then slowly fades back out as she continues to chase the invisible eyeball floater around.))







((That night – “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane, along with Diesel and Roxy Cotton, are outside at the private beach of the Clearwater estate. Loverboy, of course, still has his Trios belts around his waist along with wearing his referee striped half shirt and tight black bicycle shorts. Diesel is wearing a set of silver and black “Diesel Power” water wings and his entire set of ring gear. Roxy, never usually one to miss an opportunity to show off her incredible assets, wore her least revealing bikini.))


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((In front of the three hosts in their folding beach chairs is set up a large plastic wading pool filled to the brim with chocolate pudding. The three remaining contestants, Candy, Marcy and Demi, are all standing around the pool in their bathing suits, ready for the match to start. Loverboy jumps to his feet after finishing his Bacardi Raz wine cooler and approaches the pool.))

Loverboy: Well ladies, here it is – the main event! The rules are pretty simple, man. Get in the pool, get dirty, get nasty, get freaky, and the winner is the first girl to hold another down for a three count! Or I guess there could be a submission, I dunno, these things are never really all that specific. I’m the official referee, so you have to listen to whatever I say, dude, and don’t give me any sass! The winner gets to be my sexy champion of love, and the runner up will get that cool board game version of the show. We had enough for everyone at the beginning but Big D over here decided to sell the rest on eBay.

Diesel: I got fourteen dollars each for them!

Loverboy: Oh, yeah, great. So – sorry about your luck, third place, but the best you can hope for is a wrecked birth canal from the guy who eliminated seven men in 18 minutes during the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble!

Diesel: Hell yeah!

Loverboy: So… before we gets started… are there any questions? Yes, Candy?

Candy: Can we eat the pudding?

Diesel: I ate some!

Loverboy: You should probably not eat the pudding. It’s been out here all day in the sun and is dairy based, man.

Diesel: Uh oh…

((Diesel’s stomach makes an audible groaning noise as he clutches it and runs back toward the house.))

Loverboy: Man, good thing I made him promise to only use the guest bathroom! Anybody else?

Demi: Like… do we have to keep the bathing suits on?

Loverboy: That is an EXCELLENT question, and the answer is hell no! Those bikinis can be restricting to movement, and you are more than welcome to strip down and do battle like ancient Greek pankratiasts!

Demi: Like, I love it Greek!

Loverboy: I know!

((Loverboy kicks off his crocs and steps into the pudding filled pool, grabbing the whistle hanging by a cord around his neck and bringing it up to his lips.))

Loverboy: Alright, girls- if there’s no other questions, let’s get this awesome party started! Man, I’ve wanted to do this ever since Axl Rose blasted one in the Paradise City video!

((Loverboy jams the whistle into his mouth and blows, sending a shrill chirp into the dusk beach air. At once, Demi and Candy rip off their bikini tops and leap at one another, splashing pudding all over the place while Marcy watches, tentatively.))

Loverboy: Awesome start to this match! Screw it, I’m gonna do color commentary AND referee! Demi and Candy are slapping pudding on each other like two blind kindergarteners learning to finger paint! I haven’t seen two dumb whores throw this many haymakers on each other since Guppy Parsh versus Miss Joy at Relentless back in August! OOOH! And it’s a vicious cunt punt from Candy that sends Demi sprawling open mouthed into the brown puddle like a German porno! Marcy, dude, are you gonna get in on this?

((Suddenly, Diesel comes running back down to the beach area wearing his alternate silver pants.))

Diesel: It’s the Ric Flair move, Shawn! She’s hiding outside the ring!

Loverboy: Dude! Did you change your pants?

Diesel: I don’t want to talk about it.

Loverboy: Good idea. OH MY GOD! Demi just got Candy in what I can only think to call a “naked from the waist up” choke! Candy is fading fast! Is Demi gonna win this thing that easily?

NO! Finally, Marcy is in the pool, stomping a pudding hole into the face of Demi! This is officially the absolute hottest thing I’ve ever seen, Diesel!

Diesel: Hotter than Sunny?

Loverboy: Definitely!

Diesel: Whoa…

Loverboy: Look out Marcy! Candy just took the MIT student down with a drop toe hold right into the pudding! Man, if Bill Cosby could see this he’d have one of those dangerous priapism boners! Demi rolls away and catches her breath! Candy jumps on top of Marcy and tries to smother her with her ridiculously big fake titties, covered in chocolate pudding! THIS IS THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE!

((Loverboy then tosses the Trios belts off to the side and dives into the pudding, rolling around with all three of the girls. Eventually, he looks over at Marcy and gives her a wink, then grabs ahold of Demi and stands over the flailing Candy, who seems to be wrestling her own leg.))

Diesel: Dude? What are you doing?

((Loverboy spins the petite girl upside down, and sends her splashing and crashing on top of Candy with a Black Label Driver! The two girls are motionless in the pudding, and Loverboy grabs Marcy, dragging her on top of the pile, then dropping to his hands and knees to make the count.))

Loverboy: ONE… TWO… THREE!!! The winner of this match, and NEW champion of my heart, Marcy!

Marcy: Really? You picked me?

Loverboy: Really dude. You, like, complete me!

((Marcy climbs off of the pile of tangled, puddinged women and throws her arms around Loverboy, kissing all over his face and leaving chocolate lip marks all over him. Outside the pool, Diesel begins to weep softly from happiness. The scene fades to black.))


Thank you for joining us on "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane's Rock of Love! Will Vinnie and Marcy fall in love forever and make babies? Will we have a reunion special? Were any of the boobs on this show real? PROBABLY NOT!

For VH1 and Vivid Entertainment, I'm Rob Van Winkle sying - see you next time!



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