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Noah Jackson · (08-28-2019)

Well

The sun is setting behind as I sit on an old well in some green pastures. It's chilly and I fix my coat so my nips don't pierce through my 'Certified Sick Cunt' t-shirt (On sale now at XWF99.com). I look at the camera.

"Sup cunts."

"I'm happy to grace your presence on Anarchy while me and pseudo-dad take a leisurely stroll through the tag competition here on our way to win the championships. It's my pleasure to come down from the heights of sickness to bitch slap a few chumps that had the audacity to get the dumb idea of thinking they could make a name for themselves. I mean fuck who we got?"

"Rebel Star."

"BigD."

"And Mercury."

"Fuck me, cunts."

"This could be the most nothing of nothing matches in the history of the XWF and I was in a match with El Pantera. Fuck, Ruby's back and she's crying like a little bitch about me non-stop, how about we get a match with me and her? It'd be the third match, a lot of bad blood there. Well, there is for her I honestly couldn't give a fuck if the cunt somersaulted into an active volcano. But it would have been the decider! What a sick match that could have been."

"Nah, fuck that."

"What about Lacklan? ... Yeah, to be fair I'm tired of dealing with that cunt and she's too busy NOT defending the title she was gifted to protect the fuckwit further."

"What about Noah versus Bobbi London? Or even tag together? There have been rumblings of that on Twitter, put the two sick as fuck Aussies together and see what happens. Could be fun! Shit, even a rematch for the Internet title without that little goblin Ned Kaye in the way, ruining shit."

"Nope. Go beat up some trash-tier cunts instead, Noah."

I throw some apathetic thumbs up.

"Mercury I mostly know nothing about. I was a little hype seeing the card thinking we were fighting on the planet or possibly even wrestling against the chemical element. If we fought against the element at least then there'd be an easy way for me to kill myself instead of having to embarrass myself by getting three generic, basic-bitch-shit-ass cunts blood on my knuckles. Nah, he's just some above-average looking fuck who considers himself a monster."

"Right, cunt."

"Heh, what is it with Anarchy attracting the cunts who do the bare fucking minimum? Myself excluded. Look at the cunts we got and you notice that most of them come in for their match and get the fuck out of the arena the moment it ends. Bobbi, Ruby, Ackles and this Mercury cunt. They couldn't give a shit about this place and treat it as such. Meanwhile, I pour my heart and soul into this garbage heap and get NOTHING in return! I get thrown into a match like this! Mercury is just a shit cunt, lads! But nah, he looks good in a suit so let's measure him for a title belt in the future and give him a good and loving nod when he walks backstage to get his paycheck for his five minutes of work. Cunt might as well be as invisible as Star with how little he's actually around."

"Speaking of that little cunt. Welcome back to the land of the living fuckwit. All you've been lately is an embarrassing braindead zombie walking around and being a replacement for a training dummy. Happy to see you remembered you're a wrestler; been missing my ears bleeding from high pitched squeals, felt nice and cooled them down since my ears are constantly burning from cunts talking about me here non-stop."

"So, losing streak, what's the plan?"

"Come back with a belly full of fire and cheerlead your way to another fucking loss? Believe me cunt, you won't make it to the ramp with me around here to piss on your parade again."

"And finally, Mr. Can't Get Shit Done himself. Big fucking D. Couldn't win the TV title, couldn't take the Uni, couldn't lead his team to victory at War Games, nah Lacklan and Lane had to pick up your slack didn't they, cunt? But hey, I'll give you a gimme. Me and Santos went to a draw for the Hart, I took money over the Anarchy title. There you go cunt; neither of us are champions! Does that make you feel any better?"

"Only difference, and its a big fucking difference cunt, is I can actually still win matches. I get screwed over sometimes but a match like this is easy as piss to me, cunt. This is nothing, YOU are nothing. This is a gentle jog on a sunny day, while for you this is another uphill battle you worthless fuck."

"None of you are on my level."

I grab the rope beside me and begin to reel up the bucket at the bottom of the well.

"I am the sickest cunt to ever grace the XWF."

"Undeniably the hardest worker this place has ever seen."

"Everyone knows to PUSH NOAH!"

"I'm a fucking king."

"You all are peasants, grovelling at my feet hoping one day to suckle at my teet of awesomeness."

"And the funniest thing is, I don't need to change."

"Or try."

"Or develop."

"I was born to be the greatest wrestler alive while all of you can only dream of being half as good as me."

"And if it feels like I've said all this before?"

The bucket now at the top, I rest it on the well's wall.

"It's because if it's a good well, it's worth going back to."

I pull the contents from the bucket and show it to the camera.

"That's right, cunts it was an ad all along!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"New and improved Cunt-Os with that extra cunt crunch!"

"Still not FDA approved but you're a dangerous cunt and you know the sweet taste is worth it!"

"Buy it and thank me later!"

"Fuck you all!"

"Pay me."

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