The shot opens poolside at the Auburn, Alabama hotel that Lux and Corey were staying in for this week's Savage. Corey's in charge, and he's splayed out face down on a lawn chair as Joachim Bright dabs at some nasty lashes embedded in his skin with some ointment. Corey bucks a bit as the ointment meets his skin.

Ow!

Hold still! I missed it.

With a melodramatic whimper Corey forces himself to be still. Lux's image is watching over the proceedings, wincing sympathetically at the scene playing out. They're the only ones in the pool area, given the relatively late hour, which is probably for the best.

Who's stupid idea was it for an Indian Strap match anyway?

I believe you signed off on it. Lux says with a smirk.

Yeah...yeah....

Joachim glances around and then turns to reconsider Corey. Lux is here?

Yeah. I keep forgetting the rest of you can't see her. With a pained grunt, Corey flips up to a sitting position. Why?

I was hoping to talk to her before I flew home tonight.

Geez loverboy, give it a rest. I've got a life of my own too! Corey chides Joachim, but you get the sense it's half serious. I'm meeting Vita for a midnight showing of Avengers Endgame. Corey glances up at the clock. Which is less than two hours from now. Shit!

Joachim takes on a conciliatory tone. I understand Corey, but even if it's just a few minutes, eh? It's.... Just then, there's a rattling sound. Corey's phone, which is sitting on the table just behind him, interrupts Jo's train of thought. It starts to vibrate to the point of nearly falling off the table.

Corey, the draft may be over, take a look!

Corey reaches up to take his phone, but Joachim is closer and does it for him, passing it off to him. Good luck on the rest of that team guys.

Corey grunts, but this time it's not from the pain. He and Lux had already been notified that Lux was drafted first overall, a neat little ego boost and show of respect from the locker room. Unfortunately the matter was complicated by the fact that they had been drafted by none other than Donovan Blackwater, who they both had considerable heat with since winning the TV title from him. With a shred of trepidation, Corey checks on the XWF website for the draft results. His thumb scrolls down, and his expression is at first, inscrutable.

Well....?! Lux prods impatiently.

It's not....terrible.

Not precisely a ringing endorsement.

Donovan also drafted Brian Storm, Scully, and Robbie Bourbon.

Lux nods. That's fine. I can work with that.

What did she say?

She said she can work with it. She seems confident. Then, to Lux. Why do you seem confident?

Because they can all conceivably work as a unit. In fact, Bourbon and Scully already have, more or less. And we didn't get any human waste products like Peter Gilmour or Rain.

Corey continues to scroll down, and then almost chokes on a laugh. Oh fuck me....**CHORTLE**

Lux and Joachim both chime in simultaneously. What!

Corey, clearly trying to hold back a laugh, eventually succumbs. The floodgates yawn wide open, and lo, the LOL's commence.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Corey laughs with reckless abandon, not even paying heed to the word count. I mean, technically that's all ONE word, right?

What...what?! Joachim chimes in excitedly. Corey cants the face of the phone at him, and points to something. Joachim's eyes go wide and then he proceeds to fuck the word count too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ok, what's so damn funny?! Corey, show me! Corey, still gasping and recovering, dutifully holds the phone up so Lux can see. Once she's gotten an eyeful, she brings a hand to her lips, trying to squelch the giggles but oh hell, there she goes too.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Corey, swallowing a couple times and taking some deep breaths to bring himself back down, gestures for the camera to move in closer. He holds his phone up to the camera's lens so we can all see what's so funny and OH MY LORD!

Team Big D Big D - Captain Lacklan Bearded War Pig Peter Gilmour Rain

HEY DUDE, I HEAR YOU'RE FACING BIG D!

The phantom image of Lux and Corey both cry out in surprise as a man in full scuba gear emerges from the pool. The man pulls off his mask and breathing apparatus, revealing none other than the longest reigning Universal Champion of the modern era, THE ENGINEER!

Hey dad. Joachim replies casually, any degree of surprise at his father's antics having been burned off long ago.

'Sup kiddo.

Corey considers Engy incredulously. Were you in the pool the whole time?!

Yeah.

Why?!

Oglin' chicks. Oh, and because I had somethin' I wanted to give you! Engy pulls the air tank off his back and tosses it up onto the deck, where it rolls to a stop with a dolorous clatter. Then, rooting around under his wetsuit, he finally pulls out what looks like a small leather bound book and offers it up to Corey. This is my famous “BIG BLACK book of DICK jokes. “ Heh. You see what I did there?

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Corey takes the book from Engy and starts to leaf through it. A grin starts to creep onto his face. Some of these are actually pretty good.

Lux crosses her arms. No! We're not stooping to dick jokes!

Oh come on! The guy's name is Big D, if that's not calling out for some grade school penile humor then I don't know what is!

Lux remains steadfast. It's low hanging fruit.

It's low hanging balls! Corey puts a hand up, waiting for a high five. Don't leave me hangin'...ha!

But he is indeed left hangin.' Like a pair of old man balls.

Engy looks at Corey. Is the boss kiboshing it?

Yeah....unfortunately.

Some people just don't appreciate a good dick joke! You're missing the opportunity of a lifetime here, Lux.

I'll live.

Engy starts to shuffle over to the pool ladder, and goes to put on flippered foot on the bottom rung, but seems to be having some difficulty. After some grousing and frustration, he calls out to Jo. Little help here!

Joachim rolls his eyes and dutifully goes to his ailing father to help him out of the pool. Corey considers Lux, but points at his own body. You wanna field this one?

Lux shakes her head “no”. You got it. But I mean it about the dick jokes. We don't need to stoop! And tell Joachim I'll talk to him later.

Yeah, but after the movie. And let me know if you're planning to do things with Joachim that'll make me sticky, 'kay?

Lux shoots Corey a playful middle finger as she disappears back into their collective mental recesses. Corey turns to face the camera now, grabbing his tee shirt and gingerly starting to pull it over his head. With that settled, he zeroes in on one hell of a big “D”.

BIG D! That's kinda fun to say, honestly. So man, let's knock the good stuff out of the way first. It is SO, SO refreshing to have somebody who actually cares about the TV championship step up to the plate. After weeks of people expressing complete indifference, you honestly seem to give a shit about this match. It's not a high bar to clear, but it's one your last three coworkers have not seen fit to clear. So bravo! And hell, not only do you care, BUT YOU PROMOED FIRST! Sacre bleu! Aye carumba! It's a Christmas miracle!

Let's keep the good feelings going for a bit longer, shall we? Because in watching your promo I noticed that you really didn't make too many cheap gender jokes. Pretty baller of you I gotta admit, especially given that you have that “250 pounds of muscle meat poured into a vaguely person shaped form that plays the role of the jock bully in every high school movie ever” look going on. Was NOT expecting that degree of tact from you. Well met, sir.


In the background, we see poor Joachim still trying to heft his father out of the pool. Back in the foreground, Joachim makes a “yikes” face as he looks into the camera.

But did ya feel that? We just crested that first big hill on the roller coaster. Now look over the side. It's all downhill from here, man. Because not only did you put your foot in your mouth, but you jammed it up past your uvula and inexplicably started chewing on your ankle. But before we even GET to the promo, we GOTTA talk about that War Games team. Because for the love of everything holy are you some kind of closet masochist? Does the idea of pinching your balls in the lip of a toilet seat excite you? Do you wantonly shuffle papers in the hopes of getting a paper cut? Because you being a down low masochist is about the only thing that explains that line up. Jesus dude, you even picked RAIN over SCULLY! You took a person who is the human equivalent of a wet asshole with no toilet paper in sight, and said “that's my guy” over a dude who's a former Universal Champion. I mean, yeah, I get it, Scully's British, but still! And that was just the turd dollop on the shit sundae, because you also have Lacklan and Gilmour to round things out and give your desire to live the greatest challenge it's ever had. And yeah, Gilly's won some titles (pretty much inevitable when you've been around for 1000 years) and Lacklan's a talented athlete who did beat Lux and won at March Madness, but accolades and talent are only one part of forming a well oiled machine, man. You also have to have all those parts work well TOGETHER, and if you think you're going to get that steaming pile of dysfunction to pull together to form a cohesive unit...well, I hate to break it to you but I think you've shafted yourself beyond all measure.

Now, I'm sure we'll have plenty more to talk about in the coming weeks when it comes to your dreadful drafting skills, so there's really no need to put more of a head on that particular brew right now. So let's instead focus on your uncanny ability to draw on complete fiction in an effort to discredit Lux and I. Because for some reason, you seem to have gotten it in that uniquely blocky head of yours that Lux “doesn't have a will to go on”. Huh. That's a strange statement considering that Lux has done nothing but clamor for competition since she stepped foot in the XWF. Let's cut this bugger open a bit more. Because you also claimed that Lux said that if she was still the champion “she's in, but out if not”.

Corey just stares blankly at the camera for a moment. In the background, Jo and Engy seem to be arguing about the best possible way to extricate him from the pool, but we can't hear too much of what's being said.

I....uhhhhhh...what the fuck are you talking about? Lux has never once uttered those words. She has not once, not EVER, indicated she would stop “showing up if she lost her belt”. That is literally a whole scale fabrication on par with other categorically and blatantly false statements such as “space is just the inner recesses of Yahweh's asshole”, or “Facebook is a bastion of reasoned debate” or “Big D's bacne is not because he's on the juice”. I mean...HOW? How do you have the cast iron juevos to make a statement like that? I....

….oh.

Corey stops suddenly, as though he just had a sudden flash of insight.

Oh, how did I not see it before? Yes, of course! Why yes, the XWF is a strange and beautiful place full of strange and beautiful people! Ah ha! Oh Big D, you clever clever man. Hiding your special power from us all. Hey look man, there's no shame in being weird in the XWF, so just go ahead and let that freak flag fly! Don't be ashamed to admit you can see alternate universes! It's like some string theory shit, right? You can see all the different possibilities of what COULD have been, right? And in some alternate universe some alternate universe Lux must have said those things, right?

Now it's probably tough to keep those myriad alternate universes straight, I'm sure. It's kind of like all the Marvel comics universes, they have to give them names or numbers to differentiate them? So let's slap a code on this bad boy as a short hand for whenever you feel like referring to this particular universe again. Let's see...oh I know! Let's call it zero-zero (two zeroes, on account of it's the first one we're assigning a code to) and....oh...lessee....let's just put a “C” on the end there. For “Captain”, because you're a War Games captain.

Yep, this is Universe 00C. Universe 00C, that you mixed up with OUR universe. To try to give yourself a rhetorical foothold on Lux. Poorly. When you could have just said something more sensible and damning like, oh hell shot in the dark, that you just beat Vita Valenteen when Lux lost to Vita in her very first match in the XWF.

You see Big D, that's a point that we in the business like to call a “gimme”. An easy shot you can take on an opponent to knock them down a peg and bolster your own hype. But, despite the fact that you're a veteran of the sport and a former world champion in your local backyard trampoline wrestling federation, it's a shot you didn't take. Now, I'm sure you'll say that you just didn't want to take the cheap shot but let's face facts D, that's on the same level of bullshit as someone claiming they decided not to kick out of getting pinned on purpose.

Ah-ha-HEM!

Incidentally, you can have that point about Vita. Consider it a gift. And Vita, if you're watching this, no I swear I didn't forget! I'll see you soon!

Look D. You want this. Bad. I can tell. But we all WANT things we won't have. And you're in the same boat. I'd love to be 6 foot, but that's a schlong shot to say the least. I admit, you got the look. And you have the desire. But if your “expertise” at forming a team, and that...whatever...promo...I guess....are any indication you, well.....**sigh**.....you don't really have the BRAINS. And Lux? She's smart. Like, scary smart. After all, the woman is retrofitting herself into a deadly warrior again despite being stuck with, well, ME. And this. Corey gestures to his body. And no matter how many times you win the genetic lottery and scream to the rooftops that it's “your time”, you don't get past an absolutely devoted borderline freak of nature like Lux on those merits alone. She's one in a million. One in a billion. Her drive is inhuman. Her talent is honestly terrifying. And worst of all, for you, she is fully aware of just how bad it would make your team look by taking you out this Saturday. You need to take a good hard look at who really has more to lose at Savage. Hint: It's You.

Engy, who has finally gotten out of the pool, creeps himself up behind Corey and leans over his shoulder, smiling like an idiot at the camera. And FURTHERMORE! PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!

Corey closes his eyes in frustration, massaging the bridge of his nose. Subtle much?

Bitch please, have you met me? But also....