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Thaddeus Duke · (04-13-2019)

[duke]7:12 PM | The Duke Compound | Illuminatus Nation | Old Saybrook, Connecticut[/duke]

Here we sit, in complete and awkward silence as Berta and her staff clear the dinner tables. Most of the men have gone off to do their own things now. What that is, I don’t really know, nor do I particularly care. Anyway, that leaves me here alone with Garrett, the fool from school who I don’t really like, and Jim. Who I like. A lot. He’s my brother and I love him. He’s trying to leave me alone with Garrett though, I feel it. Jim is still miffed that I shut him down earlier when Garrett wanted to talk alone.

My house.

My rules.

Get over it Jimmy!

Anyway, the revelation of Garrett’s sexuality made me laugh and believe it or not, I feel horrible for laughing at him. I don’t like the mother fucker but still, as misguided as this attempt to force a friendship upon me was, it can’t have been easy to come out of the closet. People never really think about that when their family or friends let them in on the secret. As accepting as today’s society is regarding human sexuality, we still have a ways to go. I can’t really imagine bearing such a secret.

Admittedly, it has me considering my own sexuality and not so much in the sense that I do or do not like men or women, but in general terms. I’m not a virgin despite some people loving to claim or think that I am yet I just never really touched on the subject. So, what is it, with human beings that causes them to loathe gay people based entirely on who they love or lie in bed with to get their rocks off? Why does it matter? It doesn’t change a persons character or who they are inside, so why does it bother people if this guy likes dick or that chick likes snatch?

It all makes me contemplate things further. Like, what if I liked guys? I’m not saying I do, but what if I did? Would Jim look at me different? Know what? I never heard him talk about women or his sexcapades so maybe he likes guys too. What would my dad say if I was?

Fuck.

What if?

So, I try to put myself in Garrett’s shoes for the time being. I imagine myself as a closeted gay man living with a secret that he doesn’t trust anyone with and I sort of get it. At least, as much as I can considering the circumstances. It can’t have been easy. I begin to wonder if maybe he had pretend girlfriends growing up, just to throw people off the scent as he lived his lie. I begin to wonder whether he had girlfriends but couldn’t perform because he was attracted to guys instead.

I stare across the table at him as he plays around on his cell and I try to imagine what it might be like to be attracted to men as a man, rather than females. He has nice enough features, I suppose. He dyes his hair blond for some reason and his eyebrows don’t match because of it. He’s rail thin and not very intimidating. Blue eyes. Who doesn’t love blue eyes? Boyish face…

Shit…

Does it make me gay that I’m even contemplating a guys facial features and whether or not he’s attractive? If it does, would it really matter? It doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t change the way I love my friends. It doesn’t change the way I walk, or talk, or the way I act in private or in public. I’m Thaddeus fucking Duke. Like me, love me or hate me, I am who I am. I’m a damn good person and my sexuality doesn’t determine my worth as a person.

It doesn’t determine Garrett’s either.

[duke]”Come with me,”[/duke] I tell him as I stand from the dinner table. [duke]”Not you,”[/duke] I say to Jim as he starts to stand up. Garrett then stands up and follows me but says nothing. I lead him to the garage off the big house to my ATV. It’s a two seater four wheel drive. I can’t legally drive a car, but no one can stop me from driving this baby.

It’s so fun.

[duke]”Get in.”[/duke] I climb into the ATV and start the engine. Garrett climbs in beside me. I wonder momentarily if he thinks he’s on his last ride. After all, I did threaten his life earlier. [duke]”Buckle up. It’s gonna get bumpy.”[/duke]

”Where the hell are we going?”

[duke]”I’mma take you on the grand tour of Illuminatus Nation, Garrett. At the end, we’ll talk,”[/duke] I explain as I steer the ATV out of the garage and down the driveway a bit. [duke]”I want you to observe your surroundings, Garrett.”[/duke]

About a football field away from the gate house I take a sharp left and accelerate, incresasing speed as we travel through the yard and into the woods. I slow as we near a hill, only to punch the gas pedal. The ATV lurches forward and climbs the hill, leaving its wheels as we crest the top, only to slam down to the earth below us.

Several minutes and several hill jumps later, we empty out of the woods and enter the airstrip. Illuminatus One, my jumbo jet, is being cleaned and polished. Its long, and gigantic. Pearl white fuselage. Blue tail and wings adorned with the white Illuminatus iron cross.

I kill the engine. Taking a towel from the small bag attached to the back of Garrett’s seat, I wipe the bits of dirt and mud off my face and hand it over to him. He looks at me and smiles, then wipes off his face.

[duke]”What’d you see?”[/duke] I ask, as I said I would.

”Big yard, big house, long ass fence, lots of trees. Airport. Your own jumbo jet.”

[duke]”The material things is what you saw?”[/duke]

”Am I wrong?”

[duke]”There really isn’t a right or wrong answer, but that’s just what’s on the surface,”[/duke] I explain as I try to find the right words to begin this teachable moment.

[duke]”You needed a friend, that’s why you came to me,”[/duke] I begin, still sort of organizing my thoughts. [duke]”When I asked you what would stop me from outing us both at school, you said that it wasn’t me and you’re right.

“I’m loyal to those that I love and that love me. You’re neither of those.”[/duke] The color drains from his face and he looks down at his hands as he twiddles his fingers. [duke]”I’m a lot of things, Garrett. You made no mention of the fact that I have a quarter million people at my command. You made no mention of the fact I have my own military. I run a nation, Garrett, I… am a King, in my world.

“You joked about Jim referring to me as ‘Your Grace’ and no I don’t require it, but in front of outsiders, they show me the proper respect of a world leader because that is what I am. I’m not a child playing a game, Garrett.”[/duke]

He swallows hard. For the first time, I see a bit of shame in his face.

[duke]”I apologize for threatening your life earlier,”[/duke] I throw him a bone. It’s sincere, but I’m still pissed at him.

”Man I’m sorry about all this,” he states. ”You didn’t deserve this.”

[duke]”Garrett, there’s more to what I told you. Yeah, I’m the King of my world but I’m also just a 20 year old kid trying to figure life out as I go, same as you are. I’m loyal to a fault, Garrett. It gets me in trouble from time to time but those I’m loyal to have my undying love, respect and devotion and I would sacrifice my life to save theirs if it was ever needed.”[/duke]

”Even Curt Joseph?” he asks, referring to my school friend.

[duke]”Curt knew who I was from day one. He never used it against me and never once threatened to use his knowledge to his advantage.”[/duke]

”That’s a yes?”

[duke]”This ain’t about him. But yes. I love Curt. He’s an awesome person and a great friend. You need a friend and you have none. All of it your own doing, Garrett.”[/duke]

”It’s not easy being me. My father is a high powered right wing attorney and my mother is a fuckin’ cum dumpster when he’s out of town. When he is in town, they both go on trips and its fuck Garrett.”

Siiiiigggghhhhh. Of course. Why do these types of people ever even have kids?

[duke]”If you needed a friend bro, why not just be a friendly person and not such a big pile of dog shit?”[/duke]

”It’s easier.”

[duke]”Look, I don’t care if you’re gay. If you needed a fucking friend, I could have been that, but you had to fucking try and force my hand. You had to try and strong arm me and that’s not something I take kindly to,”[/duke] I say, my face reddening with anger. [duke]”You want to use your perception of what power is against me? Mother fucker, I can show you power. Real power.

“See, people give you power by cowering down to you Garrett. I’m not a coward, and I’m not giving you power. Real power is something you take.

“I wrestled control of my nation away from my father because he wasn’t fit to lead it. That’s power. That’s real power. A quarter million men would die for me if I ordered them to war, Garrett. That’s fucking power.

“You’re a gnat. A nuisance. Nothing more. I could keep your secret a secret bro, and STILL fucking destroy you. Is that what you want?”[/duke]

He says nothing. Honestly, I didn’t figure he would. I keep finding myself threatening him, but I can’t help it. Gaahhhh! He just pisses me off! Like, yeah there’s a whole lot of people that for one reason or another would LOVE to punch me in the face. But this guy? It’s a killable face. Yeah, he’s a good looking guy, but fuck! I’d love to smash it in.

[duke]”I’ll be your friend, Garrett. But you’re gonna earn my love, respect and loyalty. I honestly have no idea how you’re gonna accomplish that, but...”[/duke] I digress. Copyright Peter Gilmour.

”I was right,” he finally says.

This time I just look at him. Probably a bit perplexed. Right? About what you stupid idiot?

”I am in way over my head.” Duhhh.

[duke]”You’re drowning Garrett, but I threw you a lifeline out of the goodness of my heart. Try it sometime bro, you might find friends easier to obtain.”[/duke]

”I’m sorry man, truly.”

Is he? I’m not sure yet. He looks at me. Slowly, he bring his face closer to me. Closer still.

What. The Fuck?

Closer…

And…

I back up so much that I have to climb out of the ATV.

[duke]”The fuck bro?”[/duke]

”Oh my god.”

[duke]”What the fuck made you think it was okay to try and kiss me you fuck?”[/duke]

”This is fucking embarrassing.”

I should hope so.

[duke]”Jesus Garrett!”[/duke]

”I need to go.”

[duke]”I have half a mind to do the world a favor and let you meet Mufasa and Simba.”[/duke]

”From the Lion King?”

Oh jesus fuckin hell. WHAT DO I DO OR SAY NOW!?!?

[duke]”Listen, let’s forget today happened.”[/duke]

”HOW!?”

That’s a good question, actually. Anyway, I can see the tears in his eyes. It makes me uncomfortable to say the least. This whole situation has been uncomfortable.

The ride back to the Compound was quiet, understandably. I still don’t know what possessed him to try that. The fuck man? On one hand, it was flattering in a sense. On the other, I really wanted to fuck him up. Like face meet fist, repeatedly. Once we’re back at the house, we exchange pleasant but awkward goodbyes and he takes his leave after getting into his car.

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