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Drew Archyle · (02-02-2018)

The guy is so fat his blood type is bavarian cream!

That's not nice Robert. Also lol.

As the scene fades in we see Drew Archyle, Robert Main and Jim Caedus huddled around a fire in a barrel in the middle of Drew's home. And by home we mean multiple empty refrigerator boxes taped together to form one super box structure. It's like a McMansion of boxes.

You're right Drew! I shouldn't fat shame! Unless it's Robbie then it's ok!

Encouraged even.

Exactly. But poor Barney Green, it's not nice to make fun of the handicapped. I think there is a rule against that sort of thing.

What's his handicap bro?

I don't know, what isn't his handicap? The poor guy can't bend over without having a stroke. But look he isn't the opponent this week. It's Television Champion and Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire John Holliday. The mission, adding the Television Title to the Apex trophy case.

We have a trophy case?

Not a literal one Jim. I mean we could. If one of you handy fuckers wants to build one. But I'm not really good with my hands. Unless it's punching someone in the face repeatedly. That I'm pretty good at. But ask me to build anything using tools and you might as well just accept that I'll never do it. Which by the way Jim, I wouldn't sit on that makeshift chair too much lo....

CRACK!!!

SPLAT!!!

Poor Jim for he knows not what he does. The faux chair that Jim was comfortably resting on breaks into a million or so pieces. Fortunately the chair was already pretty low to the ground so Jim's rapid descent back down to Earth is short lived.

Robert covers his face so as to not allow Jim to see him laughing, Drew however doesn't share Robert's sense of kindness and instead laughs in Jim's face until the chair he is sitting on breaks sending Drew to the ground right next to the next XWF Universal Champion.

See that's what you get! Karma's a bitch!

Carmel? Where?

Carmel? No I said Karma! You know, like...Karma! Who's Carmel?

Just some nice lady who works the corner over there. Real sweet lady. She's selling her body so she can put her kid through college. Isn't that sweet of her?

You believe that? That she's doing what she's doing for her kid?

Yes Robert I do. Not everyone is a liar Robert. Some people are truly good people looking out for others. Speaking of looking out for others I need your help with something.

What's that?

Well payroll caught me the other day and gave me a couple of paychecks and then they lectured me on direct deposit. I've never had that mostly because I don't believe in giving any financial institution my money.

Ok! So what exactly do you need my help with?

Well normally I'd just put my money under my mattress like every other good ole boy but as you can see my "mattress" is just a bunch of newspapers. So what do I do?

I've offered you to stay at my place a million times, I know Jim has done the same but you keep refusing! Get yourself an apartment and if you really insist on not having a bank account like everyone else then at least your money is somewhat safe inside an apartment!

I can't just abandon my people. They need me.

Drew I'm going to say this to you in the nicest way I know how but these people, you're people, they are going to go on living their life with or without you! It's really great what you've tried to do here but this isn't your fight!

How can you say that? You don't know Robert! You've always had money. You won the birth lottery. Not me. I've been poor my entire life. These people are me. If I don't fight for them who will? Certainly not the government. Especially now.

Aren't you on parole bro? Isn't one of the conditions of your parole having an established residence that your P.O. can visit unannounced?

And then there's that! If you don't get a place of your own, or aren't staying in an actual home you are going to go back to jail. Do you not understand that? Is that what you want?

Obviously not.

Ok! Then let's go find you a place to live. This is Chicago, there are probably thousands of apartments here!

Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything but this city is crazy expensive.

I don't need much. A bathroom and a kitchen. I can sleep on a couch, or a floor. Drew reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a few crumpled up pieces of paper and then hands them to Jim and Robert. What can I get with this?

The pair uncrumple the papers and study them for a few seconds.

We can work with this!

We can definitely work with this bro.

Grab whatever you want to take with you and let's go. We gotta get you a place and then get you to California for Savage. You got a date with the Television Title!

Yeah about that. I'm not sure I want to bother with that match.

What? What are you talking about? Why not bro? You got this shit on lock down. Holliday doesn't stand a chance against you.

Well it's a Japanese Death Match and if he shows up with crosses and stakes and shit I'm probably screwed.

Because you're a vampire?

No silly goose. Because stakes hurt and a cross...Jesus, I haven't been to a church in well...ever so if God is looking for a chance to strike me down Holliday may be the vessel with which delivers his vengence.

Are you joking?

Robert have you ever known me to be less than serious?

........

I'm just saying the guy has totally ignored me. He's been too busy out there hunting vampires and skull fucking goblins to bother with lil ole me and that's his loss I guess. It's not going to impact how I train for the match or what I do in the ring and to act like it would is just crazy talk. But it is a little disheartening you know? He's the Television Champion. This match is happening on television. It's the main event for fuck sakes and John Holliday can't be bothered to hype the match at all. He might later but by that point what good will it do? He's had all week to come at me and throw some verbal barbs my way but I've gotten nothing. Not even a fuck you you suck. At this point I'd rather have faced a guy like Peter Gilmour. Sure what he says leaves you scratching your head and feeling bad for him but he always says something. Peter Gilmour is many things but silent is most certainly not one of them.

Holliday could have at least come out and said my father was an abusive alcoholic, that my mother was an enabler or that I had a small pecker.

But Drew your penis's isn't small. It's huge and girthy. We all saw it at Christmas remember?

Ok Jim, let that be the one and only time you ever say that to me ok? I'm just saying the guy could have said something. Anything would have been better than the nothing burger I've gotten so far. It's just disappointing that's all. At first maybe I thought it was my fault, that I had said something or done something wrong. That it was me not him. But then I realize that I am perfect just the way I am and that Holliday's silence is either because he is afraid to come at me or he thinks he doesn't have to. I really, for his sake hope it's the second and not the first. I would hope that a guy who hunts vampires for a living isn't afraid of some poor guy from Vegas with not even a half dozen matches under his belt. That would somehow be a far better explanation for his silence than fear right?

Right!

Alright I'm bored with this. Let's go find me an apartment. By the way fellas, you think I could borrow some of your furniture? All I owned was in that box back there. Which as you saw was some old newspapers and a year old empty can of Folgers.

Fade to black bitches.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode We got to stop that Mother Faulkner!
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