"Ax3 Ain't Nothin' Ta Fuck With"







-Friday June 23 2017-


Standing before the lens, dominating the close frame, eyes exuding intensity, I await as the cameraman, as planned, tilts upward at a northwestern angle above my head, pulling back from the zoom-in and tracking across the entirety of:



Now with the location established, the lens tracks back down to my visage on a zoom-in.

"We All Fall Down." D'Ville couldn't have said it better in context with The Kings, albeit in borderline nursery rhyme fashion. It's to be expected...for when men such as they, suffering from monumental megalomania, suddenly experience what's commonly referred to as a "rude awakening", it reflects in their words and actions. What I've seen thus far hasn't been impressive, nor hard hitting. What I've seen thus far ain't been shit but a desperate scramblin' to save some modicum of face...before said faces are crushed confuckincave in the ring here in Hollywood. Shall we begin?

_The_ Doc. Finally.....for fucksake I've been anticipatin'/dreadin' this eventuality since I signed up. Hell, Doc you're one of the reasons I decided on the XWF in the first place. Sure, I was in desperate need of a job anyway...but true competition is what fuels my fire for this business and as far as I'm concerned, a simple once over o' the roster as it was in December o' last year drew me in like a 23 year old spread-eagle with her squeaky clean shaven tight pink pussy in my face. Oh God, I better knock that shit off 'fore I lose it and get lost on another fuck-spree... Apologies, Docsy."

I readjust the crotch of my baggy black Dickies pants.

"I enjoyed your lil' rundown, by the way. A bit long-winded as pertains to shit NOT pertainin' to this match but I enjoyed it nonetheless ya filler usin' ol' fart. Especially the part about crushin' Chrissy Chaos, which reminds me...cost me and my brothers the match, Christine, you'll be graduatin' from 'skeeter bite irritation to a personal project o' mine. And I won't stop until you've chick-spazzed your bloody slit off the roster and into the EMF with the rest of the second-rate rejects. Anyhoo, Docky-poo, when you, at long last, wound the fuck down on the obligatory pisstory lesson, you basically shrugged off this Tag Unification match, labeling it as, what was it? A "rerun"? And "(you) hate reruns"? First off, the hell kinda fossilized fixodent fastenin' fuck-up says that? You're 90, Doc, _everything_ is a fuckin' rerun for you...with the exception, of course, of facin' ME in the ring. I'm not quite sure if your overlookin' that lil' detail was purposeful arrogance or you dancin' into dementia but either way, and secondly, this ain't no rerun, this is the Season 2 premiere in which newcomer Caedus kicks consciousness clear o' your cranium. You earned it.

For example, claimin' you and Madison "stomped Ax3 into the ground" previously, as if your special guest referee had nothin' to do with ensurin' that outcome, I take as you prayin' for a flayin'. That why you're so confident? 'Cause you've got yet ANOTHER Ax3 hatin' horse's ass ridin' that role? Fuck am I sayin', you're always confident, aren'tcha? You're The Doc, former member of the WORST named undefeated Tag Duo in the history of this business. "DOCTOR SATAN!"? GodDAMN I wish I coulda faced you while still usin' that handle, I'da torn you up purely off the insults that name provides alone. DOCTOR fucking SATAN? Not only do you pay homage to the weaker of that poser Rob Zombie's two part horror "epic" but you choose the ill-conceived climactic cartoony character that killed off any chance House of 1000 Corpses had of bein' in any way a fully acceptable B film. Devil's Rejects woulda been SO much cooler a name, Doc, the fuck were you thinkin'? In my opinion that indicates you shy away from the truly disturbing. You flinch at harsh reality. You're pop. I'd wager that's why you came at me as weak as you did: you don't wanna piss me off and receive rectal rapeage in response. Or...is this just your tired ass ever-setting? Have I been nervous to contend with you for no reason? How disappointing. Well, hell with it. I don't NEED anyone to pointedly get me goin' with the grammatical gutting, you all provide what I need whether you want to or not.

For instance, the easy-to-miss-for-anyone-other-than-Caedus moment where you name Theo, Sammy and Madison, then in context refer back to them saying, "_neither_ of those gentlemen"...is enough to raise my ire in and of itself. "Neither" specifies _two_, twat, not three. Christ almighty, if a doctor can't differentiate 'tween two and three it's no wonder iatrogenic death is the leading cause o' corpsification in this country. I've said it before to others and I'll say it again for YOUR benefit...you CAN'T make mistakes like that around me. You just can't. A faux pas like that may not SEEM all that important to you or anyone else but it means a lot to a man like me who thrives on exploiting fumbles or stumbles in the ring and by God's gilded gumballs...ANY mistake in that squared circle is enough to cost ANYONE the victory if properly capitalized upon. And speakin' of fuckin' up...hey Mikey, got anything to point out to the good Doc?"

The view pulls back to reveal former XWF Unified Xtreme Champion Micheal Graves in attendance.

"Do I have something to add? You're damn right I have something to add Jimmy. Is Doc so self obsessed that he didn't even pay attention to the fact that Duke managed to take advantage of the battle royal and pin me for the Xtreme title? The old cocksucker is trying to make a point with a situation that is completely hypothetical at this point, but regardless, I'm more than happy to answer the good doctor's question. So, what would I do if I had held onto the Xtreme title long enough to earn a briefcase? Would I wait for my brother Jim to drop the Universal title, or would I cash in on Jim to try and further my own career? Well the answer is simple Doc, I would not cash in on Jim, or any other members of AX3. As a matter of fact, I'd even consider handing the case over to Jim if he did lose his title. Why would I do that? Why wouldn't I cash the case in myself? Simple, because just like Jim, just like Robert, I'm in it for the team, not myself! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few! Jim is the Universal Champion, and he will remain the Universal Champion. If a time comes that I were to be in contendership for the title, would I go after it? Of course I would, but not against a member of AX3. When we formed this group, we agreed that we were going to take the XWF by storm. We were going to collect each and every title this company had to offer, but we would never step on each other's toes. That's an ideal that Chris Chaos couldn't come to terms with, and it's one of the reasons that he now finds himself on the outside looking in.

As far as this shit about crumbling from within. Let's get some shit straight, AX3 has remained the same tightly knit group since day one. Robert Main, Jim Caedus, and Micheal Graves. Originally Chris Chaos was only brought in as a patsy. It was an effort to weaken Gabe Reno to help improve Jim's chances of cashing in. The plan was far more elaborate than what actually played out on television, but that's only because Reno turned out to be a turd of a champion, and we realized that we didn't need to go through all of the effort that we had originally planned. So here we were, Chaos thinking that he was a member, no a leader of AX3… What to do, what to do? At first, we were just going to kick him to the curb the second that Jim scored the pinfall over Reno. What use did we have for him at that point? But then we got to thinking. Chris was arrogant, he was aggressive, and there's no doubting the fact that he was an asshole. So we decided to let things ride, and see if Chris could still become useful. We even let him THINK that he was the leader of the group. Hey, you've got to feed a guy like Chris's ego from time to time. Unfortunately, Chris just couldn't get over himself. We listened to him repeatedly make comments about how we needed him, not vice versa, and we listened to him tell anyone who would listen about how he planned on taking the Universal Title from Jim Caedus. As Theo pointed out, everyone with a pulse could see that it was a bad idea, and that included us, but it was a controlled situation from the very start. There was no split, there was no in fighting. There was just Chaos and AX3. Sure, Jimmy made some accusations after a Warfare that saw him attacked and and looking for answers, and yeah, he threw accusations at both myself and Robert… BUT… don't think for a minute that wasn't discussed amongst us before it was ever filmed. The fact is, it was out way of seeing where both Chris Chaos and Thaddeus Duke stood within AX3.

That's right, I said Thaddeus Duke. Did you really think that we fell for his plan hook, line, and sinker? Hardly… The fact is, none of us ever truly trusted Duke, and Duke never gave us reason to think otherwise. Why do you think we never included him in anything, like the AX3 takeover of Savage for instance. I pushed for Duke to be allowed entry, and I hoped that his intentions were true because there's no denying that I have a ton of respect for the kid. Because of that respect, I took a chance by allowing him entry to AX3, and for that I received a few kicks to the face. No big deal, he failed at his goal anyway. He didn't save Dolly from shit. She still took a beating, and she still suffered a loss to me at High Stakes. All Duke did was prove that he is an untrustworthy cunt. Not surprising considering his bloodline.

Now, Doc has called into question mine and Jim's actions in recruiting Trax and Davids. He's relishing in the fact that Robert Main isn't booked in this match. Why is Robert not partaking in this event? Because fuck you, that's why. It's none of your concern. Management wanted the Trios Titles to be defended against the Tag Titles at this week's Savage, and Robert simply wasn't available. But D’Ville thinks that I'm some kind of idiot for approving Trax and Davids. He doesn't think that either of them are capable of assisting us in defeating the Kings. Why? Because Doc holds recent victories over them both. You know, I didn't realize that D’Ville was as braindead as Chris Chaos. Doc, do you really think that just because you've earned a victory over someone in the past, that they are suddenly inferior to you? They never again stand a chance against the good doctor because he's already beaten them in the past… sounds legit, except, it doesn't. Ask any fighter in the world, professional or not, and they will tell you that ANYONE CAN BEAT ANYONE. When you are facing another man in physical combat, there are so many variables at play, that you can never be sure what the outcome is going to be. You're good Doc, so are the rest of the Kings, there's no denying that, but so is Davids, so is Trax, so am I, and so is Jim. This match is far from a guaranteed victory for the Kings. For example Doc, those victories that you hold over Trax and Davids are singles matches. This is an eight man tag match. It's a team effort, and just like how we can work together to achieve our goals, your team can end up costing you, much like Maddy did when he gave you some shock therapy at High Stakes. Your teammates have seemed less than enthusiastic about competing here in the XWF since there return, for fuck sakes, Madison is begging for donations before he will even cut a promo for this match. It's very likely that your team could prove to be a hindrance to you much like Chaos proved to be a hindrance to me the first time we battled over those tag straps. 

Speaking of that match, out of all of the misinformation and bullshit you spewed in that promo of yours Doc, something you said really shocked me at just how absurd it actually was. It was you claiming to have beaten me. When exactly have you beaten me Doc? Because the way I remember it, it was you and me fighting to a stalemate outside of the ring while Theo turned a blind eye to Maddy attacking Chaos with a crutch and setting up for Sammy, not you, to defeat Chaos, not me. The fact is Doc, you've NEVER beaten me, and you damn sure won't this week on Savage. As a matter of fact, you'll be lucky to walk out of this match, much less walk out of it with your titles intact. 

As far as Chaos being the special referee goes, it's a non issue. It's a non issue because that fuck has already felt the wrath of AX3 at High Stakes, and he knows damn well what will happen to him if he tries to fuck us over. There is no love loss between us and Chaos right now, but just as the Kings have pointed out, he's not exactly friendly with them either. So who knows what Chaos has planned for this match, but I know what we have planned if his chaotic bullshit ends up being the reason that we don't walk out the new Unified Tag Team Champions."

"That there is why Mikey is the leader of Ax3...and why Ax3 will forever be on the lips of those speakin' o' true talent, skill and motherfuckin' domination. Hey Steve...how 'bout you, bro? Whatcha got to say?"

Again the view pulls back, now revealing a scowling Steve "Kingslayer" Davids standing alongside his new brothers.

"Listen guy, I've said most of what I want to say to the Kings. But I just want to spend a quick moment questioning their intentions. Have you all been paying attention? The Kings run this place, and if we win this match, then what Theo? You strip us of our titles? You suspend us? You make us defend the titles over and over again? My point is, do whatever you want, lads, because it won't change the fact that AX3, Steve Davids and Mr Fucking Dominance have taken your gold from around your waist. Remember that. And D'Ville, you're the one who brought up my past, but besides the tag team division, I've conquered this federation. I've won everything there is to win, and if you're going to overlook me, perhaps you need to feel the Reign Over, first hand, again. Don't pretend you've forgotten the last time we met in that ring that it was I who left you wincing in pain at the end of it. Enjoy your evening boys, it might just be your last with tag gold upon your waists. Your reign will be over, your worlds will come crashing down, and the Kings, in all their glory, will finally be slain."

"Yo, TRAX, my man...I know you've had a HELLUVA lot to say to The Kings this week. Anything else worth mentioning?"

A final pull back reveals the fourth and final member of the 8 man tag match, Mr. F'n Dominance himself. TRAX offers his infamous shiteating grin, raises his right hand and extends the middle finger.

"Fuck The Kings. That's always worth mentioning."

I laugh, as do Graves and Davids.

"It's not like we have anything to worry about, half the team hasn't even bothered to show up... Couple of fuck niggas right there."

Jim's eyes widen at Graves comment as he shifts his look between Trax and Graves.

"It's cool Jim, I gave Graves his nigga card a couple months back."

Graves smirks at Jim and throws up some lame hand sign.

"Yeah nigga you need to chillax, it's all good in the hood!"

Trax buries his face into the palm of his hand and shakes his head is disbelief.

"I'm about to revoke that shit Graves..."

Again, high spirited laughter from our group. I take in my brothers and can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride.

"You said I was the miracle man, Doc Dic...wrong. WE...are the miracle MEN. I watch the four of you with the jester and it stinks to high heaven of forced friendship. It smacks of a job. Feast your fuckin' eyes upon a TRUE team of four fierce friends and warriors. That faint feelin' o' nausea radiating within your bellies...that cold sweat beadin' upon your brows...that's fear. Justifiable fear. Fear of erasure. Madison and Sammy...they can pop up in these final hours if they so choose. Dic, you can take aim one final time...Theo already let loose his second limp wristed jag-off jaw jackin'...but what the four o' you know to be fact is, you underestimated the wrong motherfuckers...and all you've got loaded up in your weaponry are blanks. No apt points, no solid arguments...nothin' but invention and nonsense. Fuck invention. Fuck nonsense.

Nonsensical numbnuts nimroddery the likes of Dic seekin' to compare me and my reign to Gator. You can't compare me to anyone, Dic. Not Chaos, not Reno, not Gator, no one. I'm Jim fuckin' Caedus. Period. The fuck does Gator have to do with ANYTHING at this point in time? What Would Jim Caedus Do, you ask? What I've _been_ doin'...what we've ALL been doin...shattering that millimeter thin glass façade of "legendary" and "unbeatable" you bitches have frantically built up around yourselves. You're false idols, Dic. You've all been replaced by the new Gods of the squared circle. In a few months' time, no one will remember The Kings. They'll be too busy fawnin' and fappin' over the most devastating and dominating force this sport has ever seen...Axfuckin3. Dic, you'll remain a living legend, though you'll never live down such utter obliteration. Madison and Sammy...they'll return to obscurity. And Theo...he'll be packin' up his skirts, thongs and Cadryn-acquired double-ended dildo chucks, sadly shufflin' and kickin' rocks back the fuck on outta here. Of course, however, not BEFORE I fuck his ass up a second time in response...

"You see that bullshit Jim Caedus tried to pass off as a promo? My Lord is that guy a few french fries short of a happy meal-"

-is the type o' gem Ms. Pryce thought was acceptable to let fly my way."

As Graves, TRAX and Davids laugh, I click my tongue and shake my head.

"Theo...did you SERIOUSLY basically plagiarize your OWN nephew Thadly with that? The fuck did Thaddeus say in promo against me leadin' into High Stakes II? He said I was "47 fries short of a Happy Meal". Now there YOU go, Theo, nearly VERBATIM echoing that less than powerful punchline. Nearly. Your weak ass couldn't even match him by at the very least providing a number o' fries. The GREAT Theo Pryce done FUCKED UP royally...and how appropriate as a King. You're losin' your tenuous grasp on quality and skill ya stupid sack o' shit. You and Dic both, comin' unravelled at the seams, your partners suffering from what I'm sure they'd theoretically refer to as cue card writer's block, like those incapable of ownin' up to ANYTHING will do. It ain't writer's block. THIS, gents, is the power of the Caedus Effect and not only that...the Ax3 Effect.

Sammy said, "Theo it’s not nice to pick on the mentally stunted...but yeah, holy shit. I don’t know what’s worse: his constant self-congratulating or his constant need to prove to everyone that he didn’t get his GED."

Yeah, Sammy, that's what people think when they view my promos which have covered my entire high school experience, including graduation, and display how perceptive and well spoken I am...that I never got my GED. Weak, . Weak. As I said before...you've NOTHIN' o' substance to fight back with. All any o' you can do is contrive. The buttfuckin' bastion o' the bitch. Sammy, if you had any balls at all you'd be comin' at me in your own promo. You pussed out. I aptly accused you of bein' a camper, you may as well toss Madison in there as well. Even if the two of you DO open your mouths and gnash those male pelvic pube pluckin' porcelain penis pulverizers it'll be carried out in the late hour of the COWARDLY. Neither o' you can handle the idea of Caedus killin' you in combat. Fuckin' gutless."

Graves clears his throat and gestures to his phone, XWF99.com up on-screen.

"Maddy is actually on the site right now uploading something. Doc too."

"Just as I said. Gutless. Fuckin' down syndrome dumfuck. Let 'im prove my point. And Dic...he's off his game. I'm not finished with Theo and Samuels yet...

You reprobates can holler and scream and deny deny deny all you wish pertainin' to what brought you here. The problem is...EVERYONE knows the truth. EVERYONE. You returned on MY watch. You snailtrailed your way back into the XWF while Ax3 was on the rise. You made your comeback because WE and _I_ have evolved, molded and raised the competitiorial landscape of the XWF into a promotion ALREADY at the pinnacle and now the paradigm for what defines ultimate. A scenario finally aligned with the type o' egos accompanying the legends THROUGHOUT XWF's history that those with the will to TRY and reclaim their former glory couldn't POSSIBLY ignore. Oh, no...but it's all coincidence, right Sammy, Theo? Fuckin' idiots. No one's listening to your baseless bullshittery. Keep tryin' though...keep diggin' your holes deeper. Pointin' out you came back before I became Uni Champ is inconsequential. Everyone knew I'd be nabbin' the belt and I'd been wowin' the fans and all for months on end already. You DARE try and hypothesize none o' you legends knew who I was BEFORE you came back? I'm sickened by the disgustingly dubious and UNBELIEVABLE nature o' that remark. You pricks couldn't have been unaware o' me if you'd tried. Fuckin' pathetic argument...

Wait, wait, wait..."

I erupt with laughter.

"Did you two fuck-ups ACTUALLY claim you pulled THAT picture of my dead wife from a Google search? Christ, first Chris Chaos claims Thadly's life is fake, now YOU two are hoppin' on the fake as fuck bandwagon offerin' 100% dishonesty? Peruse that promo again, punks, that was a MENTAL IMAGE among SEVERAL while I recalled the good times with my ex wife...IN MY MEMORY. Ain't NONE o' those images online, there were never any pictures taken which means there's NOTHING to upload. The two o' you just commited career suicide. O...O...C...you thought you could trump me with such inexplicably imbecilic idiocy? Almost like you were tryin' to set a trap you yourselves tripped. Dipshits. I've never WITNESSED such a TERRIBLE strategy. I officially rescind any complimentary comments I may have made o' the lot o' you...clearly you're all incapable of fightin' back. Every point, every avenue of attack, every accusation o' yours has been emptied of all weight...yet you honestly keep pushin' back with it like the amateur fuckin' hacks you are. You all suck at this. You ain't legends, you're losers...and that's all there is to it. Mikey, crack these cocksuckers."

"What do ya want me to say Jimmy? These guys are doing all of the work for us. The fact is, they know damn well that the only reason that they hold a victory over AX3 is because of a combination of their cheating and our idiocy in allowing Chris Chaos into our ranks. Thing is, now there is no Chris Chaos on our team, and despite all the jokes and insults that they want to make about Trax and Davids, they know damn well that the chances of them winning this match are far from certain. Fuck man, they're not even man enough to come at me straight. Theo was basically like, "Graves is dumb, moving on." Brilliant assertion bud, but it's not going to do you any favors. See, when I pointed out that James Raven almost beat the lot of you, I wasn't trying to say that any of us are as good as him, even though I would make an argument that we are better actually, but what I was pointing out is how at High Stakes the Kings took on a non wrestler, a cripple, and James Raven and came really close, and I mean REALLY CLOSE to losing the fucking match. You guys, for being the fucking legends that you claim to be, for being THE BEST, for rubbing it in everyone's faces that we only have successfully because you guys haven't been around, the fucking lot of you were made to look foolish by ONE MAN!

One man who granted, is great, but still, he's one man. That one man then went on to defeat your most successful, most active, most feared member in a singles match to close the night. Sure, that victory was tainted by botched interference from Maddy, but that shit doesn't do you fucks any favors either. What, you only lost because you can't coordinate and work together? Sure, that logic does you wonders heading into a TAG TEAM MATCH. When's the last time you saw me or Jimmy fuck each other over? When's the last time you saw ANY member of AX3 fuck over the other? The fact is, we haven't, because WE KNOW HOW TO WORK AS A TEAM!

It's funny, when you first showed up, you guys had Madison installed as special referee to stop AX3 from cheating... Then it turned out to be YOU GUYS who cheated in that match. Next up, you all have taken pride in pointing out problems in AX3, but it's not us who play the good guys for the fans, then turn around and act like shit heel backstabbing fucks on TV. It was Maddy who fucked with Gilly during his match with Raven, and it was Maddy who ended up costing Doc his match with Raven at High Stakes. Maybe you fucks aren't the snakes in the grass that I have you pegged for, maybe you just can't communicate with each other and figure out exactly what your role in this company is... Fuck that, it's probably both!

You guys, especially Theo, want everyone to believe that your innocent do-gooders. You expect us to believe that there is no ulterior motive to you purchasing 50% of this company. You expect us to believe that the four of you, or five it you count Cadryn's gullible ass, are only interested in defending the tag titles, but then you happily take a match that would award you full ownership of the company should you win. You have Maddy get involved in a match that was none of his business, and admit it or not, I know damn well you guys have something to do with this unification match taking place to begin with. What is it? Mad that the belts that you retired were brought back? Maybe your upset over the fact that you're not the only tag champs in the building? More likely, you all just saw what you thought was an easy opportunity to strap up some.more gold and add another notch to your belts since AX3 appeared to be in such dire straights. New flash mother fuckers, AX3 is alive and well, and after this match, the only team that's going to be on life support is the broken Kings!"

"Going to be? You mean to tell me this is them boys at full strength?"

"Seems like it, pretty pathetic right? They have shown us absolutely no team work leading into this match. Sure, they have their little cameos that honestly amount to a pile of shit, but they are in no way sharing the workload in the promo department. What happens once the bell rings, are Sammy and Madison just going to sit ringside and cheer you fucks on? AX3, Trax, and Davids will be right in the mix, kicking the asses of any one of you over inflated fuckwits that are able to nut up enough to actually step into the ring and take the beating that's so rightfully owed to you all.

"Exfuckinxactly brother. Fuck The Kings. We're Ax3. If any at this point still entertain the notion that we HAVEN'T raped these four faded and dusty dumbass dickheads of ALL credibility, do the world a favor and kill yourselves. This is no longer the realm of the remedial. This is no longer the old era. This is the new era, the Ax3 Era of the XWF. The Kings...whoever the fuck else came limpin' on back in in defiance of us...they earned their legendary labels because WE WEREN'T THERE TO PISS OUT THEIR FIRE. You chose your partners poorly, Dic. Kiss your tag titles and your pride goodbye, the lot o' you. The Kings are dead. Long live Ax3."
XXXXTXHXAXTXSXXDXOXMXIXNXAXTXIXOXNXXXX

The view fades to black...leaving The Kings with a final fuck you.