CAEDUS REWIND: Round 3 of the Lethal Lottery 4 tournament saw the unlikely teaming of resident superhero, XWF Superstar Carlos "TRAX" Johnson, and resident superhero wannabe, now XWF Universal Champion Jim Caedus, topple competing team Scully and Robbie Bourbon (with a helping knee from Dolly Waters) to advance to the finals at the LLIV PPV. However, before the two got a chance to step foot in the ring as a team, they'd officially met face to face in the midst of a bank robbery that saw Jim murdered for the second time, his life saved by the burgeoning healing powers of TRAX. Jim had explained his actions, attempting to stop the robbery, as a desire he'd always possessed of being a hero, a man his loved ones whether dead or alive could be proud of. TRAX, being a man of honor, a man whose own mother lay comatose, had understood. When next the two would meet, twice in fact, it would be in opposition of one another, though TRAX and Jim remained friends and associates nonetheless. Now, with a four on four match pitting a two-former-members-out Ax3 against their rivals and sworn enemies in The Kings this coming Saturday on Savage in Hollywood, Ax3 founder Jim Caedus finds it necessary to replenish the stable with warriors capable of not only bringing it to the foe...but defeating them as well. His first call...



"Crackin' Kings' Crowns" P.1







-June 15 2017 following High Stakes II-

-The Venetian, Las Vegas, Nevada-



In the wake of Chris Chaos's expulsion and Thaddeus Duke's dipping outta the crew, despite victory in retaining the Universal Championship strap, I find myself panicking pertaining to the future of the group...especially with the knowledge of an impending Trip and Tag Title unification match pitting Ax3 against The Kings for the second time in team warfare.

There's no time to fuckin' waste. ...Fuck it, I'm givin' my bro a call, we need a fourth and he's proven.

I open the contacts list on my phone, locate the target and click.

It rings...

...he answers.

"Caedus? Whats up..."

"TRAX, it's time bro. It's fuckin' TIME. That invitation to join Ax3 I made awhile back? I'm extending it again. I want you to accept."

"For real? Hm..I don't know man, I appreciate the thought but not too sure if I'm interested."

"No, no, no, no, no, c'mon man. Duke is out, Chaos was booted...Ax3 is actually flailing right now. We need new members we can trust. We can't face The Kings for the tag unification match 3 on 4 can we?"

"Yeah OK I understand the situation you're in but why me exactly?"

"Oh, well, purely off the top o' my head- BECAUSE YOU'RE TRAX! I'm not lookin' for filler, I'm lookin' for someone who can bolster Ax3 with god-given talent. You've got it. We need it. Especially given our opponents at this coming Savage."


"Well yeah, you're going to need a good team true that homie."

"Fuckin A and who better to add to the team than a man already proven to gel so well with ME in team competition? I mean, shit, the fuck did you and I do to Scully and Robbie, am I right? Had Dolly not interfered, we STILL woulda walked out winners."

"Yeah true, Lethal Lottery, we tore shit up, like I've said before, we make a good team as we do opponents...about that..since y'know, I'm the last guy to beat you and all, IF you're successful in your match against Raven, how about we go again? Hopefully they'll be no fuckery next time around, and hopefully that big gold strap o' yours will be on the line, cause you know it'd be mine right now if was on the line first time round right?"

"Homie, you know me. I deny no one, least of all a guy that's earned the right at contendership by beatin' me down. The shot's yours, no question. But as to the current situation...can't we focus on that for now? You know, that lil' matter o' four fossil fucktards?"

"Take care of The Kings then we settle our business, that what you're proposing? Lemme think."

I await TRAX's answer with antsy anticipation.

He can't say no. He can't.

"Yeah you know what Jimmy on second thought..fuck it, you've pulled my leg, but after I've helped you out with this, just remember you owe me big? Cool?"

"Oh HELL YEAH! Bro, no problem, I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Cool. I'll see you around...good job at the PPV by the way, I'll catch you sometime in person this week or next and we'll discuss shit properly then..."

"My thoughts exactly. I'll be back in good ol' Cali by Wednesday. We should talk then. Hey, thank you bro. You won't regret your decision. Peace."

"Peace."

TRAX hangs up while I breathe a bit easier.

Fuckin' thank Christ...barrin' any more mishaps with members, we'll be ready for regicide come Savage Saturday Night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-PRESENT DAY-

-Otus Thai Kitchen and Coffee, West Hollywood, CA-


I sit, sippin' the large caramel-vanilla iced coffee I'd purchased a minute ago while musing over the past and present events pertaining to Ax3 and our showdown with The Kings mere days away.

Recruiting our new fourth member in the tag match in TRAX had been accomplished, a success soon stifled by the shocking absence of my brother Robert Main, leaving us again shorthanded and without a clue as to who to turn to. Luckily, Graves had had the bright idea to approach Steve "Kingslayer" Davids, yet another talent fully capable of aiding Ax3 in turnin' the tables on our sworn enemies and ensuring our crowning as the new XWF Unified Tag Champions.

Yeah...it's all comin' together. Ax3 is stronger, more solid, than ever before. While The Kings continue to falter and wither, we're refreshed and ready to ream. I'd say now's as good a time as any to unleash my first volley...that first from Theo was unacceptable.

I produce my phone from my pocket and prep for promo...

"WHAT'D YOU SAY THEO!? TALK ABOUT MY REAL LIFE!? YOU MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WANNA GET- me upset?"

I can no longer hold the enraged act together. A smile crosses my lips, a sincere chortle escapes my throat.

"That's it? That's all you got? I see _you_, Theo, are still sufferin' from the Caedus Effect. You remember, tryin' to trash talk my ass a month or so ago, lettin' your nerves get to you, botchin' your own coup de grace about "this is your brain in drugs. Any questions?"? My reponse: Just one. Isn't it supposed to be brain ON drugs? In. On. You had difficulty quoting monosyllabic.

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That was probably the most passive I've ever been in response to some dusty dickhead dipshit donnybrookin' and it shut you the fuck down anyway. You know why? You realized the rumors weren't rumors but fact and that's how easily I backhand your bitchass without so much as a single curse word. Normally, the almighty thot Theo "Pissant" Pryce swings hard on an opponent. He nails points, he twists words, he offers what HE thinks to be incendiary insults and more often than not it's true...at least the first two, Theo, your trash talk seriously sucks, smacking of a loser's desperation to prove he's still got it despite the fact the "it" he had/has was/IS never/not enough to compare to my own. When it's Jim Caedus you're facing, you fuck up like all the others. You're no different. Period. Same lame game, cliché attacks that, with a single glance at my promos beyond those you deigned fit to target, you'd have seen would fall flat to utter irrelevance as they have so spectacularly. You're the weak link of The Kings, Theo, that's why you, at least FINALLY, shit first. And no, unlike you and your amateur inability to say "brain ON drugs" as opposed to your hilarious haymaker "brain IN drugs"...dumbass...I definitely meant to say shit first and not shot. That's what your attempt amounts to. Shitting. Shitting then proudly takin' an impending Kik scheisse fetish fap pic o' that foot long log o' your future represented in nothin' but useless matter and corn kernels _further_ representing your trash talk game: baseless bullshit wrapped in a corn husk. Corny turds is what you're ploppin', pussy. And that's all you've got. May have worked for you in the past...it ain't gonna work here and now.

You claim I'm gonna cost my team the match and you continue in "validating" that brilliant theory by NOT presentin' precedent? I mean, I realize there IS none...but Jesus jag-off cornholin' Christ, you actually said my mouth writes really big checks I've so far been able to cash...so essentially you countered your own point, punk. If anyone is gonna cost their own team the match I'd say it's the rusty who can't help but torpedo his own arguments. Oh wait, you used the qualifier "until now". Oooooooooooo. Allow me to pause, upturn my boots and drain the piss out of 'em, motherfuckin' moron, I haven't heard that before. I haven't crushed that before. I haven't humiliated that before. Theo..." I rub my brow with impatience. "...you already got pump handle pimp slapped with that brain in drugs featherweight fiasco. You can't handle me, that's all there is to it. Your "combined dominance in the ring" relates to, unless I missed another mediocre mash-up, two fuckin' matches, both of which lack the credibility of a clean win. The fuck dominance have you limpdick dizzy dunce-cap wearin' weaklings shown? You're LOOKIN' at a man who CAN make such claims WITH the cred to back it up, much like the only name in your stable, The Doc, can. In THIS XWF era...you know, the one that fuckin' matters since you stumbled back into it so frantically seekin' to remind the fans how good you used to be before they got a load of me in the face...you have nothing to show for your half-assed heralding of havoc.

What was that Sammy Davis Stepinfetchit's simian mouth spat out?

"Caedus might be the most overrated shit talker this place has ever seen. Scratch that, IS the most overrated shit talker this place has ever seen. But I guess that's not completely his fault, not like he is responsible for the lack of talent around these parts."

Hmmm...I guess that explains why I'm the Universal Champion and you ain't while you're on the same roster. Shut your shinebox salad-tossin' trap, twat, if you were bein' sincere you can include your own monkey ass in that conclusion, cocksucker. Of course, if you were bein' sincere you'd also be overlooking the fact that since my rise the XWF has suddenly been experiencing an influx of legends and famous old names combined with some of the best fuckin' vets and newcomers it's ever seen. Who you tryin' to fool, ? EVERYONE knows this top promotion is at an all time high in popularity and competition. You claimin' it ain't not only shows you to be a liar willing to say anything to make a flacid stab but displays how little respect you have for all involved. Get the fuck out if you can't handle others receiving the spotlight you so obviously crave. No one gives a shit about you anymore, Sammy and I'd be willin' to bet your inexplicable reverse-Michael Jackson white boy to black boy transformation has a lot to do with it. Fuck happened there? Think it ain't public record you used to be a mayonnaise sammich lovin' sumbitch now tradin' up for malt liquor and scrimp, pimp? Goddamn...you're nothin' but suburban white america finally fallin' in love with the hip hop culture and playin' into it method style, stupid. Or is this crunchy black new body o' yours a product of Theo's nephew's space friend? He pull you from the future in which I already baked you to black man perfection, the dark poopy hue of a heavy Oreo cookie diet? You never lost the pussy though, as you sit back awaiting all ammo in the knowledge that your secret to "harsh trash talk" resides in campin' out and not givin' those greater than you a way to come at you when a war of words should be ensuing. Spineless. Pathetic. Expected. I'm gonna whip your ass like slave auction, asshole, no fuckin' problem. Whatcha gonna counter with? I'm known to embrace the black culture as well as my own? Yep, since '92, numbnuts, and proud of it. Proud to be who I am without the need to blackface my own appearance like you. I'm better than you. I'm stronger than you. I'm as real as it gets, goofy gibbon gayrod. Do me a favor: slip that belt outta those slacks, loop it 'round your neck and give us all your best rendition of Robin Williams's final moments, I wanna see if a black man's lips turn blue.

Theo, inform the hired help his ilk are to be seen servin' food and not heard. As for yourself..." I laugh. "...how's about we move on to the rest of that bloody tampon you queefed out like a champ? Rotted out all my teeth from meth usage huh? The way you spin around like the flamin' queen you are with your gif avatar on the official XWF site it's just as easy for me to claim you're dyin' of AIDS, , I mean, that IS what happens to the less fortunate of the gays, does it not? What, you thought you could make such a remark and be untouched through the same remedial technique? Get your blown out butthole back on Grinder and tell it to the other giddy gay boys you feminine flamboyant fuckstick. Gossip like the chick you are passin' shit back and forth ass to ass off-camera with the other Queens TfuckinM, feces-fuckin' eachother in the hopes you'll hear the chime signaling you just made a few extra bucks off some turned-on pervert about to jerk out his joy juice watchin' the webcam live show, shithead.

Your attacks on my father and mother? Bourbsy handled that much better than you...oh yeah, and he still lost. Yes, Theo, my parents died to get away from me, ingenius and UNIQUE deduction. No, wait...any of us could expect the same all-to-easy words from every schoolyard bully on any campus across the country. The old, your mama and daddy dead 'cause they don't love you. Take you all of 10 seconds to come up with that? You know why you never hear that in any professional format? It's weak. Try harder...like the rest of your factless horsefuckery all you seem capable of is makin' shit up in its most rudimentary form. Hey dick, your parents are dead after slittin' their wrists long ago over the realization their lil' Theo would rather prance and spin around on stage durin' a musical number than chase chicks. That's why your brother Sebastian has the kid and you don't. You're the creepy gay uncle. Family reunions revolve around you havin' to hear parents tell the kids, "No, sweetheart, just wave to Uncle Theo from here and stay away from him." That's how you cruelly crack craniums but you'd know that if you didn't spend so much time tracing the wrinkles in your boyfriends' contracted nutsacs with the same lipstick you use to leave your lasting ring on dick durin' rainbow parties, prick. "Cock cave" by the way? Don't try to copy my steeze, dweeb, cock _cavern_ woulda been a helluva lot better but hey, don't let me stand in the way of your watered-down dullard's dipshittery. I'm here to harangue, not help you. Oh and for the record, your remarks on my past mean nothing to me beyond fodder to flambé you with...or did you think I revealed it all because I was AFRAID of what people would say? Wow...where's your brain? Is it IN drugs, dummy?

Movin' on...oh this was my favorite part. You toss up a picture of my ex wife, which, by the way I'd love to know how you pulled from my mental musings and not from any dream sequence, hack, claimin' that's what I come home to every night? Gee, where to begin with that clusterfuckup. I suppose I'll point out she's been dead since mid 2016. Funny how you impossibly reference recollection yet failed to notice the dream sequences displaying her death. A+ researchin' job, you fuckin' joke. Secondly, just recently found out the bitch had been cheatin' on me, been over her fatass and ballsdeep in strange snatch ever since. Not ONLY has that been thoroughly exhibited in promo but I've been talkin' about it with your own clique's court jester, jag-off. You mean to tell me Cadryn let you go on record with such a massive mistake? Sounds to me like he's tired o' playin' the fool to your Nero's fiddlin' while the country combusts around you. Seems to me he'd rather see his pal Caedus kill you than have to suffer any more of your unjustifiable attitude of superiority over everyone else. Talkin' shit on a dead Holly hooker...no, NO, NOT THAT, THEO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!! Fuck that bitch and the dick she rode in on, I couldn't give a shit what you say about her disloyal ungrateful-for-my-LOFTY-lowering-of-standards full-back lookin' muffin top, I hope she's burnin' in Hell right now on Satan's uncut spit. Not to mention, how the fuck am I comin' home every night? I'm on the road, like the REST OF US, 80% of the year. You're a professional wrestler but you don't know how our schedules work? While you're NOT competing, I am. Regularly. Consistently. Try again, Theo, fuckin' idiot.

"Is that Mama June before the lap band or a displaced and very angry sea lion?"

Mama June references, Sammy? Mama June? The fuck did you do, just binge watch a 2016 pay tv programming block? How long have references to Mama June been hackneyed to the point people will legit smack the shit outta you for wastin' their time? Take my wife, please, has had less pop culture over-usage. I thought you bitches were s'posed to be good at this? Yeah Sammy, Mama June. Your game bites like Marv Albert and took a dive like Greg Louganis. Can't we all just get along, if it don't fit you must acquit and all that shit. Shut the fuck up if you have nothin' fresh to say, putrifyin' point makin' motherfucker, your TT reeks of dead dog and side-sac rash pus.

"I get to go home to a wife so smoking hot that Chris Chaos had his girlfriend surgically altered so she could look just like the Mrs."

-is what Theo claimed after Samuels' lackluster linguistic lashing. Are we devolving to kindergarten level one-upsmanship here now? Ok Theo, the bootycalls I nail put your faceless in-house back pussy to shame. What's his name, Theo? What's your wife's name? Let's see a picture of him. Or...do you not have the balls to lay your real life out on the table for all to pick apart like I have? Gutless geek, you ain't shit compared to me and neither is whatever musky furry asshole you sink your cock into for a quick colonic creampie in comparison to the tight 20s horny whores I've been leadin' by the swollen clits to quivering climax. And don't bother demanding _I_ show anything whatsoever, I've been sharin' my exploits not only with pics of Nicole (look 'er up, loser) and screenshots of our convos but those of a handful of hos I've conquered off Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Mingle2. Without knowing I'd ever NEED evidence I've been providing it since April.

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Or don't...it won't make any difference. Clearly you're outclassed and out-maneuvered and all I've got to levy the way of you Kings is the same strategy I've BEEN usin'...the truth.

The truth is, you, Samuels, Madison...you're only here because of ME. It was MY meteoric rise to the pinnacle that saw you three has-beens saché on back in, there's that tricky on and in again asshat, with somethin' to prove and don't bother denyin' it. You heard Jim Caedus was that damn good, better perhaps than you yourselves...you couldn't RESIST makin' a return to prove them wrong. You HAD to protect your fragile egos and "legacies" while those who used to laud you started lookin' my way. What's more, you knew that I'd provide you all with a challenge the likes of which, in your eyes as evidenced by your absence, none have presented since you retired and before I entered. Am I lying? Shit, Theo, if the XWF was as talentless and lame as you and Sammy claim, why are you here? Why the fuck would you bother tryin' to secure 50% of the company? You expect anyone to believe you'd buy into an inferior product? It doesn't matter what circumstances arose to give you the opportunity at control, you wouldn't have stepped in to invest in a shoddy, doomed federation and if that WERE the case, you'd have been makin' "improvements" instead of embarking on a crusade to fire Graves, attack Ax3 and basically be handed the tag titles by a partnerless Doc. I own you three, own you. I'm the reason for your attendance, I'm the catalyst that brought you back from the brink of the obsolete and forgotten, Ax3 is the crew that kicked off these stable war shenanigans and all you cunts have done is join in the party we started. Notice how all the excitement in context with Ax3 vs The Kings died down while you imbeciles set about wasting all the clever quips you'd built up over YEARS of inactivity in pointless outta ring arguments and debate? That's because we all see that's all you had in you. You're ill-prepared, ill-equipped for what I've been unleashin' on opponents and now the world can see just how ineffectual your oh-so-famous fisticuffs really are when I hit back. You're all done. Over with. Outta sync. Outta your element. Tired. Uninspired. This is the NEW XWF era, jackasses, this is the castle Caedus built. I'll never claim to be better than everybody else, ever...I don't need to, I let my actions and accomplishments speak for themselves as they pile up. I'll simply splatter your fagsome foursome in the ring after continuing to embarrass the defiance outta you in promo like I have been and I won't even break a sweat in doin' so. Callin' me overrated? Hey hacks, my hype is provided by the fans and members of the XWF roster, at this point you bitches are hypin' YOURSELVES 'cause no one gives a fuck anymore.

I'm the Star Killer. The Big Dick Daddy. OTM triple time honoree. Federweight Scramble victor. Two time and current solitary XWF double champion. Undefeated TV champ. Lethal Lottery IV winner. Former Mr. 24/7. CURRENT XWF UNIVERSAL CHAMPION...all of it earned and acquired in the new era where you have but ONE accolade: tag champs by default. Pussies. All four o' you, on your knees before me. Now. I have a ludicrously large load for you to snowball back and forth. You won't be famous for killin' Caedus but you CAN enjoy status as the biggest names thus far to slurp my superstar semen. Just don't swallow. You can't choke down the I'm better than you thought bitter pill, ain't no hope you're hardcore enough to handle my moneyshot."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I end record.

That should get those assholes scramblin' for a comeback. Now I-

"Gimme yo' muthafuckin' wallet, white boy!"

I go rigid as I feel the barrel of some unknown firearm contact the back of my skull.

What the FUCK!? This is NOT happeni-

Laughter.

TRAX's laughter.

He circles around me to take a chair on the opposite side of the round table I'm sitting at.

"You motherfucker. ...Good one, that was cute. What was the gun, your fingertips?"

I allow a laugh o' relief.

"Yup. Couldn't resist, homie. Teleported in behind you and I saw my opportunity."

"On the subject of opportunity...let's go ahead and discuss the opportunity to become one of the new XWF Unified Tag Champions over the corpses o' The Kings."


-Not far away...-



Using bandanas to alleviate that nasty problem of dusted fingerprints found on expended shells at the scene of the crime, eight members of West Side Schoolyard Crips pop round after round of 7.62 ammo into the banana clips of their Kalashnikov automatic weapons, passin' around a blunt as they do so, while their wheelman rolls inconspicuously down North La Brea Avenue.


-Otus Thai Kitchen and Coffee-

"-t's about it, bro, I mean as far as I'm concerned. Anything you wanna add? Any ideas?"

Before TRAX can respond, the overwhelming thumping of bass drowns out all other audio, a blue panel van bumping by our heroes' location and screeching to a halt just across the street at the neighboring Wells Fargo bank.

The two of us watch as eight armed men, faces masked behind blue bandanas, pile out and make for the front doors.

TRAX and I turn back to eachother in tandem. He grins.

"Oh shit. Round two, hero?"

I gulp as the adrenaline kicks in. My eyes widen.

Yes. Yes I do wanna do this again.

"Fuckin. A. As a team this time, my dude. And since you're the one with the powers...by YOUR lead."

TRAX's eyes begin to glow amber as his grin widens.

Here we go...

::To be continued in TRAX's second promo::