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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (05-18-2017)

“The Return”

2100
14/5/17
Family Video
Grand Rapids, Michigan
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Fade in...

Inside a chain video rental store known as Family Video. XWF's returning star Bearded War Pig (B.W.P) walks through rows of DVD for rent browsing for a comedy, action, and horror. His short brown hair is slicked back with Aussie hair conditioner. A smile creeps across his face, as he looks onward at a beautiful young woman who has to be around twenty-four years old. B.W.P's radiating smile that turns into an upper lip lick as he admires her glowing beauty. From her smile of an innocent child to her succulent, little more than a handful, and proportionate breasts. He looks down her firm hourglass torso, to her firm juicy bubble butt, and finally down her smooth heavenly created legs. Imagining her nakedness under her tight wallflower jeans and the purple V-neck tank top B.W.P blows a kiss toward the exotic dancer Kensey Kane he met months ago at a club. Suddenly B.W.P's imagination is interrupted by the nudge of another man's back to his own. Turning around quickly ready to kill. Pig's hand grasps the smaller, probably around one hundred and fifty-pound nerd by the throat with just his fingertips.

Quickly Pig snaps back to reality from going to his "safe place." Releasing the fellow video browsing customer he steps back and lowers his head. Just as Kensey Kane steps forward with a sorry for the trouble smile. Before she can even get out an apology Bearded War Pig steps forward and places his arm out in front of her breasts stopping her in her tracks. Pig licks his upper lip again but this time in discomfort and not in a sexual turned on manner before speaking.

"Pardon me, sir. Sometimes my reactions to things are quicker than my thoughts. My job choices probably can be blamed for that."

Nerdy Customer: "Oh My God! You... You're... You are Bearded War Pig from the XWF! You grabbed me by the throat. My friends are not going to believe this. Holy shit. Please... Please.... Please choke me again!"

"Whoa there sally, slow your role. You are coming off a little creepy and sexual now. I know nowadays men can look as yummy and delicious as my Sweet Cheeks! I promise you, she never has, nor does have a penis. Just one fat juicy clam burger if you now what I am saying bro."

Nerd Fan: “Oh no never like that Mr. Pig, is it okay if I call you Mr. Pig?”

Kensey Kane: “Please don’t. Makes me feel as if I am getting my rocks off by some old dude. Gross!”

“Yeah man that’s fucked up, my balls aren’t that wrinkly yet! Fuck sakes, I’m only turning twenty-eight in a little under half a year. Well, it is always nice meeting a fan when out and about but we need to find a few movies. So if you don’t mind?”

Nerd Fan: “Oh yeah, of course, War Pig, don’t want to anger an XWF legend in the making. Good luck in you’re number one contender match on Savage!”

Kensey Kane: “Wait what you have a match on Savage this week? How come you didn’t tell me? ASS! You haven’t been training or putting out anything new since your return what the hell is wrong with you? Such a hard ass you don’t need to promote or train now?”

Kensey says as she slaps B.W.P in his big barrel chest leaving a red handprint underneath his red “Michelangelo Turtle Power Bong” muscle shirt. Pig rubs his chest and tenses his brows as he stares at his cute little sex doll. Who is looking all cute and angry, like a high tempered short girl! Standing only four foot eleven inches and one hundred fifteen to one hundred twenty pounds. B.W.P then turns to the Nerd Customer and shakes his head in disappointment for letting out a secret Pig was obviously trying to hide. Turning his attention back to Kensey before she decides to begin attacking him for not being open and giving her an answer to the hundred questions she spits at him at the cyclic rate.

“Sorry Kense, I was going to keep it a surprise trip. I was planning on bringing you with me; actually, our flight is in a couple days. If you’d be interested in coming with maybe walking down to the ring with me or at least sit front row?”

Kensey Kane: “You’re not getting a damn answer until I get some!”

Kensey tosses her hands on her hips and scowls toward Bearded War Pig with her eyebrows high and eyes piercing like a steel blade. Her right foot is extended a little further out and toe tapping at a hundred miles per hour. Waiting impatiently and angrily for a response to her flood of questions. B.W.P bites his bottom lip and begins to deeply go over the questions in his head and answers before responding. After about a thirty second brain-storming session, his mouth opens and words flow to the ears of his gorgeous lady Kensey Kane.

“Like I said doll face I wanted it to be a surprise. I haven’t cut a promo or trained yet because well I have been gone a while and I’ve missed you. So I chose to spend my time with you instead of XWF shit. Don’t worry though; I can cut a promo tonight after movie time, on the webcam. As for training tomorrow when you are taking care of your niece and nephew I figured I could head up north and get some mat time? Oh and no I am not such a hard ass that I don’t need to do shit, but not much is needed!”

Bearded War Pig winks to his girlfriend Kensey Kane who begins to smile and laugh instead of scowling. Pig places his arm around the now calm and wooed Kensey. Who then places her left hand on his uh top of her shoulder. Just as they begin to step away toward the new releases the voice of Nerd Customer stops them in their tracks. Kensey and Pig turn back toward the recently discovered fan.

Nerd Fan: “Sorry again for my intrusion it is just I couldn’t help but hear you haven’t cut a promo yet. Would you be interested in taking part on my YouTube blog, maybe some pics for twitter, and well it will give you exposure to a different audience than normal to discuss your upcoming XWF in-ring return! What do you think?”

“Are you fucking serious right now? Honestly, if you hadn’t almost cost me my balls in a vice grip I still wouldn’t partake in your blog. No offense but guys like myself don’t really associate with guys who play with action figures in their mother’s basement while in their thirties. Sorry man, just check out the XWF site sometime if you want answers.”

Kensey Kane: “Wait just a damn minute, this loyal fan wants you on his YouTube show. Do it babe, for me!”

Nerd Fan: “Yeah babe for her!”

The Nerd chuckles as he cowers back seeing the raging glow off from Pig’s eyes. Pig then looks to his baby doll, who is giving him pouty lips and eyelash flutters. War Pig’s right-hand slaps his forehead knowing he would have to give in as he lets out a disgruntled humph. Removing his hand he looks back up to his angel with a smile and then to the fan who is trembling in the standing fetal position. Pig’s smile changes from a happy tone to more of a choking and angered one as he barely gets out the words.

“Hey man if you aren’t busy now and can conduct the interview or whatever out in my car, you got a deal.

Nerd Fan: “Yeah man all I need is my phone, but why in your car?”

“I need to smoke a fuckin doobie that is why you have a problem?”

Nerd Fan: “No not a problem at all many of my subscribers are four twenty types. You know reefer heads. A very dope audience, they are going to shit themselves when you go live with me. I can’t believe this is happening; never did anyone thinks this would happen for me. You Bearded War Pig can do whatever you need to do on the air. I don’t care; this could be my ticket to big time broadcasting. Hell if you wanted to hit me in the balls I’d accept that. My names Chucky by the way.

Kensey Kane: “Well it is certainly a pleasure to meet one of my man's fans, he acts all cool but really he is just as excited as you. Big softy on the inside this one is, hehe he. No, but seriously he has just been away a long while and well we just started talking before he went away. Wants to make up for all the time in between.”

“Don’t lie to the poor fucker, I am an asshole all of the time! Don’t think just because you grope yourself to my excellence I am going to be nice during your show. You set me up or try to pull a quick one on me I will rip you open and play in your insides.”

Kensey Kane: “Joshua! I mean Bearded War Pig be friendly. The man is just trying to help your career while possibly expanding in his, I don’t see why you can’t see the good in this?”

“I said I would do it, doesn’t mean I am going to enjoy it. Plus we were supposed to get movies to have a nice relaxing movie night. Now you knowing I have a match isn't going to come between our relationship time. Something I don’t want to become a regular thing. Many times I have put my career over friends and family. This time will be different. You’re special.”

Nerd Fan: “Now this is the shit I should be getting on the show, the fans would go ballistic seeing the mushy gushy side of the War Pig! Hahahaha!”

Bearded War Pig doesn’t take to Nerd Fan’s words as he grasps Nerd Fan’s shoulder tightly with his right hand. Squeezing just tight enough to send a wave of almost knee buckling pain down his arm. Pig stares into the almost teary eyes of Nerd Fan with a rage and anger of a thousand wraiths.

“Sorry to burst your bubble sweetheart but that isn’t happening the only ones who get this side of the War Pig are special people in my heart. Fans hold a place in my heart but not the same place as my loved ones. So why don’t you just head outside let us return the DVDs we have and we will be right behind ya!?”

Nerd Fan: “Sou... sou... Sounds gooooood BOSS!”

“That’s a good little TURD, now go!”

The Nerd Fan scurries off like a little rat while Pig and Kensey make their way toward the front desk to return a couple DVDs. While making their way through row after row of shelves covered in DVDs and video games they continue to communicate amongst each other.

Kensey Kane: "So are you nervous? Do you know who you are facing?"

"Marines don't get nervous sweetie. We just get in accomplish the mission with extreme professionalism or die trying. Yes I know who I am facing three guys I have never even heard of. Well, one I've heard of but not in the wrestling world. Luigi, yes Luigi like Super Mario Bros. Mezian some new guy I believe who seems to be doing alright. Then someone who goes by R.L. Edgar, like I said I don't know much about any of these fucks beside it seems Mezian might have some military experience as well. Don't matter though, if he really has he knows there isn't any real blood or hate, just competition."

Kensey Kane: "Oh damn that might play a part on your mentality, being that he served for his country as well."

"Surprisingly no!"

Bearded War Pig and Kensey arrive at the drop off box. Pig slides the DVDs into the slot and throws the shaka sign before exiting the Family Video...

TBC...

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