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JimCaedus · (02-18-2017)

--"Old Skool" Hack Misses Mark, Gets Fucked by Old School Prick--

I find myself hastily setting up my phone for promo, not bothering with any amount of responsibility towards entertaining my audience with an introduction, scene or premise. Because, fuck my audience, that's why! I grab them by the back of the head and thrust, triggering their gag reflex before I nut, as I've never been able to properly hold my load in comparison to real men who've fucked more than 2 or 3 chicks-

'No need to be generous.'

-or more likely just the one girlfriend met during my academic pursuits. I've always been a beat ass douche who needs to overcompensate via various forms of bullshit such as displaying a dubious though _definitely_ legit win loss record. Sometimes I hate being such a pussy. _Sometimes_. Mostly I just jerk myself off thinking I'm the fuckin' monarch of mudslinging.

................................

"Is that it? That's the typical NOCMM style double-tap first strike I've heard so much about during this tournament? A few lame insults about the nature of homelessness, an inside joke I couldn't care less about looking into beyond any surface appearance and a rant on how your client is god?"

'Don't forget the weak and obvious poetic gauntlet that's been thrown by NOCMM...and others since you rhymed at Cadryn. And no, that's not an invitation to literally write out an original full "poem" with maximum effort and embarrass them. NOCMM and his Hero specifically aren't worth it. Plus, it's seen as hacky by this audience apparently.'

"Judging by your contrived segue into fucking God by isolating my words 'Fuck God' out of context, I see we're gonna play this one Nico style. Fine with me, unfortunate for you.

The homeless crap? Pointless. Technically, yes I have no physical home that I own, rent or reside in. However, in a few months I'll have earned enough money in the XWF for a down payment. Despite that wait, since I became the XWF's highly targeted Television Champion I've been brass-booked into, and spent my time in, hotels and Dojos for the Competitive Arts, not on the streets, which makes you, NOCMM, y'know...a lazy, irresponsibly piss-poor excuse of a manager for your client by not scouting me properly. I guess that voids each cliché quip on offensive smells insinuating streetside hobos you made. No worries, they weren't amusing anyway. It's funny though how you reference Roxy referencing me in the SHOWERS yet failed to put all the compexity together that showers tend to imply washing, moron. As would hotel rooms. And you did it in favor of fartin' out a Freudian slip creepy comment about wanting me to have shown my cock with the goal of proving to VINCENT LANE'S love interest the actual size of it."

'Funny too how no one else has basically shown regret over not seeing it. Hmmmm...'

"Clearly from your two teeny vignettes you, like Gravy, Cadryn, Blackcoat and whoever the hell else, take offense over my outspoken statements and accusations regarding homosexuality. Unlike Graves and Blackcoat who do so most likely from the lame ass, thin-skinned, hypocritical 'I-love-everyone-I-swear-even-though-I-harbor-as-much-hate-as-the-next-guy stance, you and Cadryn do so out of personal offense because you truly are queer,

. Do I really believe that? Do I really hate

? Or am I simply able to use one of the basest forms of cheap heat, like racist remarks, to rile you wimps up. Who gives a shit what I think, it's working remarkably well as intended and you're as ludicrously easy to manipulate and mold as the rest, NOCMM. Invisible idiot. You all think I'm so stupid despite multiple failed attempts to prove it yet they, and YOU next in line, keep trying. They call _me_ crazy? Isn't repeating the same mistake expecting different results one of the currently popular definitions of insanity? No matter, you'd have to be to believe you can fuck with me, NOCMM. Just like your client must be to accept a match involving myself as an opponent instead of doing the right thing in context with Caedus and self-preservation and quitting.

'The God shit, hit 'em with the God shit.'

"So your client is God eh? Let's pretend for a moment this ISN'T a flacid and overused God-complex gimmick, which it is, and proceed as is with the outlandish. If Hero Extreme 7.9 is God, it would seem he's a god under human contract and bound by the rules of the XWF not to wrestle in any Godly manner. Meaning of course, no Dr. Manhattan-esque willing of opposing forces to explode. Therefore he's being forced into mortal form somewhat like the premise behind 'Dogma', which means I'll take my opportunity for revenge by chewing a hole into his belly backstage so as to play the old remove-as-many-organs-as-possible-before-he-expires game I love so well. If he could control his power, why, he'd already be the XWF Uni Champ and lend you some much needed vindicating credibility as a 'star maker', so I'm afraid he's gonna be one dead goddamn deity. Let's play further into this crap, let him kill me back. I have confidence my far-beyond-traveler spiritual power is more than capable of erasing God's existence (two words in contradiction with your off-target, even-if-ironic accusation of atheism, dumbass) as I've stated previously to Robert Main. I can't wait to test that theory.

Call me a mark like you've ironically accused my new partner in Buronan before. You think this is fun, don't you? A joke. Again, why you have no career highlight clients to parade out. I owe you the respect you refuse to show me by educating you on who it is I am...

I'm the man they call Caedus, cocksucker. I'm not having fun here, at least while I'm not beating someone senseless in the ring. I'm not playing to the roster or the fans, I'm not out for a fuckin' laugh and I'm not putting on the guise of a bullshit bit for a buck. I'm a man who's spent the last near 14 years watching his life crumble around him. I've been beaten to death, a medical fact irrefutable enough to have been entered as testimony during the trial for Henry Spade so as to squeeze out as harsh a sentence as possible. I'm a man who survived murder NOCMM, not an angle or an idea to seem extreme nor an accidental death with no living force of will behind it. A murder, perpetrated by a man much larger than everyone else here excluding Drezdin and Russell Edwards. I've seen _others_ murdered. I've watched all those closest to me drop like flies leaving me an orphan without grandparents for my future child. I've been excommunicated by my own extended family for turning my back on Mormonism and abandoned by my only brother because his wife doesn't want to deal with the psycho little brother-in-law. I've taken the reigns and masterfully made my own dreams come true, built my own mmj business, ran it successfully...only to have it all stripped away by the same government that allows the cancer stricken to shell out billions for chemotherapy while outlawing marijuana, _despite_ the proof of CBD's ability to kill cancer cells having been made public so many years ago. I've suffered multiple evictions and been refused rentals because of my blacklisted background checks. I've been refused a thousand out of the ring jobs because of my time spent off the grid, supplementing my grow income with 5 years as an under-the-table rubber product manufacturing company FOREMAN with no paper trail to back up the income. I've been pidgeonholed into being a man ineligible for unemployment, EBT and every other state or federal run assistance program and I had to feel like a complete loser in the process while my wife was forced to support three fucking mouths off one minimum wage paycheck. I've been blessed with the opportunity to run that same rubber product company only to watch as a widow embezzled the $160,000+ I made in the space of THREE MONTHS before filing a phony DVRO that saw my wife, our child and myself unlawfully evicted onto the dirt roads of Phelan in the High Desert, homeless, for over a fucking year. I had to watch my wife and child go cold and hungry more nights than I care to count because Cal-Fresh made the mistake of filing our family under 'fraudulent'. I had to watch, as a MAN AND A FATHER, my only reasons for living remain consistently homeless because all the waiting lists for assisted living, even for a _single mother and child_ were not only full in that hellhole but CLOSED. Then, after finally finding people good enough to give us a chance to turn it around, I got to witness with my own eyes as my wife and daughter..." I shake my head and exhale before I continue.

"You're playing a game. You and your client are swathed in the garb of gimmicks and smart ass commentary. I'm not. I'm reality, NOCMM. More reality than you can take. More than Hero 7.9 can hope to handle. More than your juvenile jokes and attempts at humor could ever hope to eclipse. I'm the stranger who takes your looks of condescension and your insults insanely personal and stabs you in the neck in public, wetting down onlookers in your spurting crimson with each beat of your hearts. People like me are the reason you read stories the likes of decapitated passengers on public transit while you shove another spoonful of sugar in your mouth and wonder what's happening to the world. You're weak as fuck in my wake, bitch. I don't need to fabricate themes, settings and concepts for my promos, I need only remember. I provide something relevant and relatable in the process while you churn out 60 second soundbyte uploads full of fantasy and buttfuckery like you're shitting gold but all that drops from your asshole is pyrite, pussy.

You and Hero don't frighten me, you don't intimidate me. You don't have me on the ropes or struggling for comebacks or losing my step breaking character like I seem to be getting famous for doing MYSELF around here. You know why? I'm not a character. There IS nothing to trip me up on

. There IS no way to throw me off my game, only various ways of pissing me off to the point I get even meaner and more vicious. This ain't a situation of 'catch me outside, how 'bout dat', this is a situation of don't make me have to research you and your client's private life habits and routines so I can sneak into your homes one night and slit your fucking throats while you sleep. This ain't a situation of two men cordially and professionally competing in that ring, this is a situation of one fake fuck teamed with Shaun Crowe facing a man who already kicked Hero's ass in Buronan and a complete stranger in context with your client who runs the risk of stiffing your opponent to such a degree he leaves that ring on a stretcher numb from the neck down...and who, in that hypothetical, would care by the way? No one is a fan. And oh yes, you do care. Why else try to make people laugh so often with...monkeys and magic and whatever else your

mind can think up? You're an actor, like Hero. I stopped acting when I turned 18, the two of you haven't ceased since signing up. Actors get their asses kicked, NOCMM. Like Hickenbottom running his mouth in a bar and having to learn about REALITY the hard way. You think I've been successful thus far in the XWF because I'm acting? Fool...I'm going to enjoy shattering you and your client's delusions in round two. Talking about character development while you force feed us all the same cut and paste madlibs template trash each promo. Calling me a rookie when I've been in this business off and on for going on 21 years. You're not good enough to play this kinda warfare with me, NOCMM. You don't take time to research and you damn sure don't take the time to ever offer a quality product in your client's name. You're a hack. Period. Now come at me with something worthwhile or shut the fuck up and let the real men go to war. Fuck actors. I'm Jim Caedus.
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