Episode 14: Sleeping Beast

There was something in the way.

When I tried to push it, it wouldn’t budge.

When I tried to climb it, it got bigger.

When I tried to go around it, I never found its end.

There was something in the way. It had been there forever.

In the face of these insurmountable odds, I was told to be a lot of things: frightened, alone, helpless, feeble, disoriented, confused, bothered, anx’d, troubled, lost…

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The chicken in a bread pan pickin' out dough Granny, will your dog bite? No child, no

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But I had the choice on what to do. I had the choice in how to carry myself. I knew that I would slip. I knew that I would stumble. But I could choose to pick myself up again. I could choose what to do next.

Would I be that untamed, rabid animal? Uncaged. Self-liberated. A fierce and feral beast.

In a sense.

But with purpose.

That hasn’t stopped. It won’t. I’m not at the end yet.

And so.

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The chicken in a bread pan pickin' out dough Granny, will your dog bite? No child, no

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There was something in the way.

Immovable. Allegedly.

Insurmountable. Allegedly.

Relentless. Allegedly.

There was something in the way. Until I came along.

~~~~~


~~~~~

LOL! I’m just playin’! It wasn’t you. It was just Herschel Kiss! The fat fuck fell into a food coma after one too many McRibs.

Meanwhile, this Clefairy of mine sings better than a fucking Jigglypuff. Plays a better melody than a (skin) flute too.


Clefairy single-handedly put Atara’s team to sleep. And to wake this lardass up, all it needs to do is sing a little differently.

There was something in the way.

~~~~~

“Egdirb eht htaenrednU
Kael a gnurps sah prat
Deppart ev’I slamina eht dna
Step ym emoceb lla evah
Ssarg fo ffo gnivil m’I dna
Gniliec ym morf sgnippird eht dna
Hsif tae ot yako s’ti
Sgnileef yna evah t’nod yeht esuac”

~~~~~

There was something in the way. With a hell of a lot of effort, that thing got itself the fuck out of dodge. The lumbering oaf returned to the mountains, or parts unknown, or wherever the fuck he came from. Who knows where that is? The Powers-That-Be have left him off both the B.O.B. and XWF roster lists.

“Yo! What’s that?” Preesh shouts as he lurches forward, each step as plodding as Kiss’s own. It was the most animated I had seen the guy since his abject rejection at the hands of the bastards (still lower case) in the last city. It made me hopeful, you know? There’s something in this life for all of us. We just have to find it.

Atara and I walk in his wake, and as we catch up to him, he crouches down, studying something on the ground. I peer over his shoulder. Atara stands back further - a combination of not caring, and not wanting to get close to Preesh’s distinct odour.

In his hands, he turns over a small, shiny stone.

An orb.

Blue and impossibly brilliant.

In the morning sun, last night’s moon reflects back within the stone.

“Cleffa…?” I never noticed Clefairy creeping up next to me. I don’t tell it what to do. It can come and go from its home ball as it pleases. As has been the case in this entire journey so far, I let them choose.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Cleffa…!”

The orb in Preesh’s hand shines brighter than ever. With a force beyond this world, it rises up. Clefairy does too.








“Huh… would you look at that…” Clefable smiles at me. Atara rolls her eyes.

“For fuck’s sake…” That’s not the first time she’s said that on this journey.

Preesh doesn’t watch though.

I’d learn later that the stone wasn’t the only thing he found.

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Episode 15: Soul

The next city was just as shit as the last one. Except here, there are no strippers or gambling or drinking or anything fun at all. It’s nothing but drab greys and purples. Maybe oranges and greens too. You’ll need to ask Lou’ about that though.


I walk straight to the gym.

Ever-distractible, Preesh saw a zoo and fucking went for it. Took some lube with him too. Don’t know why.

Atara had been quiet ever since that mountain cunt Herschel Kiss got chased off. Or… since Clefairy became Clefable. She said something about needing to do something, but it was pretty vague. I’m not her master, so I leave her to do her thing.

That left this rank bitch to me.

Well… me and Charmeleon.

The gym itself was a puzzle. In order to get to the ‘leader’, I had to navigate such intricate problems as ‘1 + 1 =’ and ‘What colour is the sky?’


“Hi Andre,” I say when I meet him.


ANDRE WOULD LIKE TO BATTLE.


He fucking wishes.

Motherfucker doesn’t even get the main event spot.

I ask - not tell - Charmeleon to stay back.

“I noticed the sign out front…” I goad him. “With the ledger of winning trainers. Seems like Corey’s wrecked you a couple of times now. Glad I finally get to join the party.”

I’m not really counting War Games. Nor that other life he feels like he remembers me from. There are worlds and worlds from which we could choose… I choose this one.

Alone and exposed, I am here.


Andre Dixon chooses Venonat.





It tries to poison me. I survive.

And step closer.


Andre Dixon chooses Venonat.






It tries to poison me. I survive.

And step closer.


Andre Dixon chooses Muk.





Poison. Fire. I set it alight.

Me.

Not Charmeleon.

Fucking me!

Nothing remains.



Andre Dixon chooses Machoke.





He can’t poison my mind. I am resolute. So in his genius (1+1 = …?) he tries to take me head on.

But that never worked for the others.

And it never worked for you.



I use






“Do me a favour,” I say to Andre, before he vanishes from this earth again. “You leader knows I’m coming. That much I’m sure of by now. But I want you to clarify something for him. Tell him that I’m not just coming, I’m coming for him.

And tell him I’m doing it for me.”

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Episode 16: Dojo

“I fight.

Not for them, but for me.

I fight.

You’ve learned that now. I’ve fought through all of you. And here I stand at the finish line, squaring up, and ready to fight once more.

I fight.

This isn’t even optional for me. I heard there was a fight here, so I took it. I take it. I fucking take everything!

The world? I take it! I set it on fire!

The moon? I take it! I leave it in ashes!

The sun? I take it! I fucking stab it in its stupid fucking face!


I FIGHT!

I won the War, and I’m not done yet.

I fight.

You fall before me. We’ve played this fucking game before!

I fight.

And everyone has a fucking opinon. But it doesn’t matter.

I saw the peak before the fall.

I climb.

I fight.

You see… there’s a star. Up there in the forever. Every time I reach for it, I get closer and closer to grasping it.

He’s got the whole world…

And until that fucking thing is in my hands, I WILL FIGHT.

You’re not the same as you once were. You lost your place. Overrun, overwhelmed, by a force unlike anything you had planned for.

Fighting is weak against the mind.

Except if you fight with it.

I am.

All.

I am.

You.

I am.

Other.

I fight.

You fall.”

“You’ve humbled us,” the dojo’s sensei bows. He is nothing. Just like you. “And with it, I give you this gift.”





I fight.

For me.

They choose.

For them.

It chooses not to stay. I love it for its choice.

“Fight well, my friend,” I bow. “Fight forever.”

And as its humanoid frame walks out the door, a humming rumble shakes my hip.

Psyduck emerges. And with love, it glows.








I fight.

I love.

I grow stronger with every fucking breath.

~~~~~

They rise against me.

And I fight.

~~~~~

I exit the dojo, seemingly empty-handed. But I know it wasn’t a lost cause.

Big Preesh and Atara see it too.

And I see an extra ball upon Atara’s belt.

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5D: The Pattern Repeats

“ABANDON SHIP!”





“That’s me, doing you, Chris! A true to form impersonation of you bailing on B.O.B. the moment it got a little spicy for ya!

Jee-willikers, I’m on a bit of a roll here. Atara steps up, fails, then quits B.O.B. Andre comes my way at War Games, and I’m pretty sure he’s gone by now - unless you want to have him turn up in one of your pieces to prove me wrong! Of course, you’d look like even more of an idiot doing that since you seem so focused on whether or not other people turn up in mine, but I figure ‘idiot’ is what you’re going for.

Come to think of it, that argument is another thing you have in common with Chris Chaos! And you’re saying I’m coming at you with the same thing everyone else did?! Yikes! What a person to choose to imitate!

But hey, Atara quit. Andre fell off the face of existence. And now you. That’s three-from-three. Just call me the B.O.B.-breaker!

Oopsies! I’m talking about them again! Oh no! Why don’t you fucking throw your toys about other people appearing in my stories again? ‘Cause that’s not talking about others, right?

One for you. Another for everyone else.

Man, if you think you’re taking candy from a baby, I must be out here taking it from a fucking corpse! Everything I say about you, you just fucking prove to be true. And rest assured, any time I’m mentioning B.O.B., I’m doing it because of how it reflects on you. You said that they, with yourself included, were ‘redefining dominance’. You brought that up. I proved you wrong. And whether you want to believe it or not, buddy, the fact that they’ve been so prevalent in everything you’ve done all year makes it entirely relevant to criticise their bullshit. Because you were with them. Therefore, it is criticising you.

I mean, we can always go back to me asking for the names of people who were talking about The Beast, if you’d like? I got myself a hat alongside that dress the other day! I’m ready to feast! Better yet, I could go back to shredding your entire fucking Universal Championship reign to pieces to the point where you haven’t been able to defend it. And no, saying Atara’s name doesn’t cancel that out. What, you think she’s worse than Charlie fucking Nickles? Is that what you’re trying to say?

Bold call, but all right. Must have been why you inducted her right around that same time into the ‘Elite’ of B.O.B.

Hmmm… something’s not computing there.

Keep trying to dodge that. You’ve already been fucking hit.

But hey, you’ve left B.O.B. now, haven’t you? That’ll sure show me!

Yeah… right… because someone just saying something makes it true, right? Except when it’s Thunder Knuckles. Oh… wait. Him saying something doesn’t make it true! According to you! What about me? What if I say something’s true? Let me try something here…

‘I wish Chris Page wasn’t a goddamn moron.’

…

…

…

Hey! Nothing happened! What gives?

Maybe… just maybe… you were right again! Someone saying something doesn’t make it true.

Except when it’s you though, right? Is that what you’re trying to have me believe? That the guy who claims to be the single biggest piece of shit on the motherfucking roster is the one spitting truths? Yeah… I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this whole ‘leaving B.O.B.’ deal.

Now I know what I just did. I just played into your hand, right? Cue the diabolical plot-reveal where you say some bullshit like ‘I knew you wouldn’t believe it, so I devised the ultimate proof!’ Probably not those exact words. Replace them with something shitter for the real thing and then proceed to change the fucking narrative to retcon your fuck-ups out of existence. The Chris Page Classic!

Do whatever you want on that front, Chris. Quit B.O.B., rejoin B.O.B., it doesn’t matter. You still acted the fool with them, and you’re still a fool now. Again, that is about you, and whether you come alone or come with an army, I fucking scorch everybody.

It’s what I do.

I’d say it’s working out for me pretty well too, given everything I’ve been through so far.

I shouldn’t be surprised that you can’t tell what’s about you and what’s not though. You can’t even tell the difference between fact and fiction. You uh… you know that’s not actually Big Preesh I’m rocking with, right? You know it’s not Atara Themis? I haven’t roped in your ’ex’-running buddies and Corey Smith’s in a fucking coma rather than running around catching butterflies. You uh… you know Pokémon aren’t actually real, right? I’m telling stories here, Chris. I’m sharing with you how I see the world. And when I look at you, all I see is a fucking cartoon. So that’s the story I tell.

You know… like you see the world in terms of wanting me to be a lady, or whatever kink you’re into. I ain’t shaming!

Imagine actually criticising there being other people in my stories, while calling on a version of me to be in yours just the day before. Did you notice that you weren’t in mine, buddy? You might be thinking that I’m saving you to be the ‘big bad’, but spoiler alert: You’re not even going to be in it. Hope that doesn’t ruin it for anyone! I’ll still make it all relevant at the end, trust me! At the end of the day though, Chris, you’re just not needed for my ending. And we ain’t even close to the end yet.

So who have I had turn up for realsies? Dolly Waters and an unconscious Corey Smith? Wow, that’s enough to get you hot and bothered, eh? Never mind all the times you have Jess, or TK (oh no! I said his name again!), or Bobby, or Andre, or even Atara for that flash in a pan moment where you blew smoke up her ass only for me to fucking deflate her like a goddamn whoopie cushion.

Dodge! Duck! Dip! Dive! And dodge!

Oh no, those happened in the before-times, so they don’t matter any more! That’s what you’re going with?

First of all, what you did in the past does matter. Hence all the B.O.B. jabs.

They’re a part of your story.

Don’t you get it, Chris? All we are, are stories. Some of us get a happy ending, some of us don’t. Before you try to say that I’m the latter, I’ll say it myself. I’m not convinced my story does have a happy ending. But it’s my ending to find. It’s my ending to fight for. That’s what’s driven me every step of the fucking way. The right to decide for myself. And I’m sorry, but you don’t have what it takes to change that. It’s not in your nature.

Secondly, your entire premise for that bit seems to be this:

Having someone else appear on camera with me someone means I can’t beat you.

...wut?

You see how ridiculous that is, don’t you? Like somehow whoever has the least amount of other people turning up somehow makes them more likely to win. What the fuck do those two things have to do with each other? Further, how does you talking about the other names and voices that your dementia-ridden brain interprets as real people show that you’re making this about you vs. me?

How does talking about The Beast turning up at War Games make this about you vs. me?

How does dreaming of Corey going to town on my little hiney make this about you vs. me?

Taking candy from a corpse.

And shitting on its grave.

These are kindergarten insults you’re slinging, Chris. I can’t believe you actually tried to use me not being ‘entertaining for you’ as a criticism! Like that has some bearing on me shoving my fist down your throat so far I can crush your retracted balls? Straight after that you even added that you’re not trying to entertain me? Jesus cock-in-mouth Christ! One for you, another for others! The pattern strikes again!


I don’t care about entertaining you, Chris. I’m out hear having a grand ol’ time for myself! Surviving. Winning. You should know this by now! I don’t care about selling out buildings or any of the shit that you’re trying to make this about. I don’t even know if I’m getting paid! I’m just here to fight for my fucking survival, and that is it. So call me the bad guy all you want, I already told you that I’m no hero. I already embraced it. And guess what, Chris?

I’d do it all over again the exact same way!

Six people or not, you had a fucking army at your disposal to help you. Yet you called it coming, and you still failed to stop it.

And you still have no defence for that.

Way to talk about other people though, dude! Almost like you…” Gasp. “…suck at this!

At least you managed to avoid speaking about Robert Main for once!


That was tots awkward busting you on that shit.

I don’t need to play your fucking game though, man. I’m going to mention other people all I want, but pay a-fucking-ttention, Chris! I’m doing this because it’s ridiculing you!

So tell me, when did Thad carry my dead weight? In the battle royal that you eliminated me from? Oh cool, we can take that accolade away from you then. Neat-o! That’s got to be it, right? Because the only other time we shared a ring, I pinned him!

Just.

Like.

You.

He even had the advantage of choosing the best team!

But I survived.

Over B.O.B. too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Told you I’ll keep mentioning them. That ‘stop talking about other people’ shit just isn’t sticking. You can try to put all their failings behind you, but even when a cat tries to bury its shit in the litterbox, everything still fucking stinks.

I will keep on keeping on, just as I always have. Through anyone and everyone. Because nothing you have said or done has left a fucking mark on my face. Shit, let me up the ante on that: nothing that you can say or can do can ever fucking scratch me. You’re even resorting to literally making shit up!

Show me where I said you were irrelevant?

I just said you desperately crave relevance and uh… buddy… you straight up confirmed that. Like… you actually went out of your way to specifically mention that you think you’re still relevant.

Way to fucking own me with that!

This just shows me that I know exactly who I’m dealing with when it comes to you. Have you figured that out about me yet? Or are you still trying to pretend that I’m driven by the same things that you are so that you can try to have something to get me on?

Chris, once more with feeling, you’re arguing against a version of me that simply doesn’t exist.

In any alternate universe.

Heh… watch him travel to one (with the help of other people! Oh-Em-Gee! Controversy!) now just to try and prove me wrong. So predictable. Just like me cashing in on you, yet you still didn’t stop it, BOOM! That’s right, I’m still hitting that note, because you’re still spread fucking eagle taking it like my bitch.

Talk about your dollar signs and box offices, Chris, talk about...



Oh God…



No!




He didn’t, did he?




This is the most incredible burn of all time!



How will I ever recover?!



You got me, dude!



…



…



…



…



…



Card sizes.



…



…



…?



Fucking card sizes?!

The number of matches on a fucking card?!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It burns!

You.

It burns you.

Because that’s the most desperate shit I’ve ever heard in my fucking life.

Desperately.

Craving.

Relevance.

Not irrelevant. Just pathetic. But you can’t tell the difference. Because you’re an idiot.

Gotta say though, at least you finally surprised me with that shit! I almost feel dirty(er) even engaging in this but uh… do you remember the show you faced Centurion on recently?

Savage. Four matches.

That’s so many more than the three last week, right? Way to go! Same with your defence against John Black on Warfare. Four matches. The very next show, when I defended against Chaos there were a whole three more matches!

Whaaaaa…? Is that…? Is that the same numerical increase as this week? It’s almost like… THAT ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANYTHING!

But it sure is fun using the things you seem to care about against you!

The definition of insanity isn’t actually doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, Chris. Go find your fucking clone Chaos and ask him what it is.

Or just get a mirror.

You don’t even ‘NEED’ me for that.

Oh yeah, you made up that I said that too.”