Red,

I wasn't going to do this, but please, take my words and use them to the best of your abilities.

You may remember me. I've been a.....well lets just say....figure around here since 2016. You and I had different starts, and beginnings. I came in from an already established and pretty well-off e-fed. Why did I come here? Well its simple, I burned my bridges over there and after some back and forths, I was effectively asked to leave.

I told myself I was gonna be better, that it wouldn't happen again, that I wouldn't let my shitty mental state get in my way.

What happened in PWR? Well, I rose to the top. Quickly. I held every belt there that there was to hold, was the main influences in a belt being created (its the same as the X-Title here, it was a 24-7 rules type thing), and was involved in some of the most in depth and riveting story lines that company ran at the time. Life was good.

........But it wasn't enough.

You see I never held the PWR World Heavyweight Title. Match after match I would compete, and lose. It got the the point where, despite being involved in some deep routed story lines, I would not opt in or both to show up if it wasn't for a world title shot.

Shitty of me, of course. But I let my ego drive me.

**I know this isn't your "ego" per-say, but hear me out**

I left there on bad terms after doing something very similar to what you just did. I had a big opportunity for a fed-wide event that I asked to be involved in, then blew it off when I realized it didn't benefit my personal agenda.

I still feel guilty, and up until recently, I had blamed them for keeping me away from the title and rigging matches for me to lose even though in my heart I felt I put out the better work.

Truth is, I didn't.

FAST FORWARD:

2016.

After taking some time off, even muttering the phrase "efedding is gay" a few times, I began to miss it. Writing was a therapy to me. Being creative and being able to express that creativity is a beautiful thing. But I made a mistake, Red.

I googled the top e-feds and I came across XWF. There were a lot of great rpers here and me, thinking my shit didn't stink and I was better than I was, signed up and immediately began my ascent. It took me 4 months to earn a Universal Title shot, and did so by beating perhaps one of the best roleplayers I've ever faced, a man named Doctor D'Ville. I was humbled, but, I let it get to my head. I went to the Pay Per View and I won that Uni title, Red. I did it. I did the one thing that in my mind PWR had prevented me from doing.

I let it get to my head.

*Now let me say this before I finish the story. I have a mental condition also. It is documented with management here. What is it? Simple. I BECOME MY CHARACTERS. I get into them, become them, and even spend a week at time, in personal life, as them. Weird, I know. I had been spoken to several times about being IC on OOC boards and in chat (skype at the time, but later discord), but I couldn't turn it off. So I understand when you claim you have a disorder, and I do not judge for that.*

I became obsessed. The man who beat me used to do creative HTML promo's and fancy flash animations, whatnot. When he beat me (which, now that I look back it was because i took being champion for granted and his work was actually a little better), I blamed it on HTML. I didn't know how to do all that and felt slighted that he was winning because his promo's looked more polished. I caused a big stink about it.

From that moment forward, Red, I went off the rails. OOC posts, IC shots that crossed the line, a general dick to everyone. Honestly, I didn't care about anything else but getting that title back. It CONSUMED me. While this was going on, I was not good mentally. I was IC all the time, even when I was Jenny. I had to be right. No matter what it was, I had to be right. I went as far as to INSIST that I lived in Florida (which my character does) [I do have a place there, but it is not my full time residence as I claimed], and that I wasn't the one posting my Jenny Myst promos. I was called out promptly. Now, I won't go into backstory on it, but it ended up costing me a relationship, and even a friendship, with a girl I actually loved and was trying to establish something with because I couldn't let go of the fact that she was something she wasn't. I took it too far, and someone here took it too far, social media got involved, and boom. It was my own insecurities and my need to always be right. I mean, shit, I even was blessed to be a GM of Savage (IC) as Jenny, and still found a way to make it all about me.

Truth is, I just wanted to be liked. Much like you.

--Another sidebar, I will be posting a much more indepth vent about this on the boards when I work up the heart to do it--

I began to grow to seeds of distate, and mistrust, with the establishment. I felt like they didn't want me here. I felt like no matter what I posted, I would lose. It was PWR all over again. I did some things, said some things, and it got to the point where if I wasn't competing for the Uni title, I didn't care. My quality went down, my effort lacked, and my attitude wasn't all that great.

I wasn't given these shots because of this. I didn't aspire to earn what I wanted like I had when I first got here, I expected it to be given to me. I tried to use the fact that I wasn't healthy in my head, the whole woe-is-me thing. Check in that box. I would do something, get spoken to about it, and then apologize and blame it on my condition. Over and over. (Are you noticing a trend here?) But long story short, I always promised to get better. I never did.

I left XWF on terms that some may consider strained. I wouldn't say bad (they were bad in my mind, but you'd have to ask management about their thoughts on it), and I thought it was over. I was back to square one.

Truth is, I love this place. I needed this place. I still do. I huffed and puffed, even opened and co-founded a new e-fed out of spite. It didn't work.

After taking some time off, I began to get better. I realized the error of my ways. I realized that I was the problem. When I came back, it was all going to be different. I didn't even wanna join the discord at first for fear I couldn't control myself. But I have been better.

LONG story short, I bust my ass here. I came back expecting to be a nobody and to start at the bottom and I looked at it as "just write an have fun". I opened my characters and my mind a little. Theo and Vin welcomed me back. I made it a goal of mine to earn everything, and take nothing for granted. If I lose, I don't bitch. I get better. I know what I CAN do, but I am still working out the kinks in my own head in order to be what I was. When I won the Uni title that was the best I ever was, and I threw it away.

Take my advice, Red. Don't piss them off. You won't win. You will be asked to leave, and will be banned, and that won't be good for you. This place can be very helpful. This place can be a place for you to really get those thoughts in your head out and take a load off your chest. But nobody is going to give you sympathy for anything.

I always posted. I even LEFT FAMILY FUNCTIONS ON HOLIDAYS to make sure I had a post up, even if it wasn't my best. I made a commitment to this place and they were the only ones who gave me a chance when the rest of the e-fed community black balled me (again, long story for another time). I haven't made it easy, but you are just making it difficult.

It is frustrating to all of us when you do what you do because we all use it as therapy one way or another. For many of us this place is an escape from reality and a chance to be something we don't get a chance to be in daily life. To most of us, we take pride in what we do here and people get on your case because your actions slap us in the face.

Trust me, red, I know how you are feeling. I spent almost 2 years under the impression people didn't like me. I still think many of them don't, but I am working on mending some of that. I even created a stable strictly of my OWN characters because I was too afraid to reach out to people to work with me because I knew they didn't like me. At the end of the day, I did it to myself, with my actions.

Please, take my advice and use this place for the good it can do. Use it to help you. Because I know from first hand experience, XWF WILL move on without you, and you are going to miss it when its gone.