Scene:
"Repetitions" Featuring:
Shane Narration by: Redd Pepper, better known as the "epic voice over guy" – Pricey but worth it. Don't even pretend to not know his deep, foreboding voice.
Around him the cool air was fended off by an aggressive layer of heat emanating from within, encasing him from head to toe like a force field. Beads of salty secretion danced perilously over Shane 's brow, threatening to glide down and wash out these eyes that had bore witness to a history of the most heinous crimes to ever take place against the wrestling industry.
"It was only a warm up."
With one final push, and teeth gritted tightly, the trembling of his body cooperates like a perfect tag team partner to mother Earth's gravity... for the perspiration has now been granted access into these eyes that had seen legends rise and legends fall.
"All those years, only a dress rehearsal."
The reverberant clang of the Hammer Strength® Plate-Loaded Incline Press raped the silence around him as Shane allowed the weight to crash down into place. The burning, pounding sensation in his self-proclaimed "chesticles" was well worth the pain, sweat and exhaustion endured by the rest of his body during these workout sessions.
"Legendary. They have no idea what's to come – what they've been lured into, using what should have been the most predictably obvious bait to anyone with open eyes."
But his eyes were not open during those last few words... Why should theirs have been? At least he had a reason for his momentarily blurred vision and burning eyes as he finishes patting away the moisture from his unnaturally photogenic face. Where was their towel, though? Where was their pathway to restoration of clarity?
That answer had been proven nonexistent the moment Shane 's name appeared – fashionably late of course – right on the card they had ALL already committed their wandering souls to in his feigned absence.
They were "home" again, right where they belonged, swallowed by the shadow of an onlooking sociopath who would continue to profit and feed off of their dutiful performances even after all those years they spent running away fromstraight into his loving, fatherly embrace. With the number of legends he would soon hold and allow the resting of their worn faces against him, it was no wonder he wanted to add so much padding to his chest.
"It's important they all feel comfortable... welcomed, even... during these historic times. Their final ticks of the clock."
The chilled hollowness of this gym Shane had all to himself was reflective of the vision he held for the future of the XWF's corridors and halls. Nobody left... only memories of those who foolishly thought their careers equal to their own egos' baseless declarations... their bones ground into dust and smoothened into a pristine floor to support the feet of their manipulator and disassembler.
Perhaps out of all those names to be erased from history, Shane would allow but two men who unwittingly acted as the lock and key, to have their likenesses permanently etched into his walls. Centurion and Maverick may indeed live on, forever frozen in time as conversation pieces for a future league of admirers.
The Distant Future of the X-treme Wrestling Federation Said:
"And here we have the two men who made this all possible," he'll one day say with the sincerest of smiles adorning what will likely be his sixth or seventh new face. "My two greatest creations of all, and most loyal of warriors. These 'Wildcards' of mine were exactly as advertised since day one."
Far ahead in the distance of his gaze lies a world yet untouched. He hadn't blinked in some time now, envisioning and absorbing what is already set.
Thank you, Wildcards... for remaining tucked away in my sleeve for nearly two decades. I owe you my life.
It was a life which could only be welcomed by the most deranged of men.........
Listen up everyone! I took a few moments away from smoking asparagus **wild cheers** and shoving potatoes in my ass **HUGE pop** to ask you all a very important question!
We all saw the announcement of the XX main event featuring the long awaited dream match of THE BRAND versus STEVE JASON.......
**HOLY SHIT THE CHEERS EXPLODE AND BUST YOUR COMPUTER (OR PHONE) SCREEN STRAIGHT INTO YOUR FACE YET SOMEHOW YOU'RE STILL SEEING THE INTERMISSION**
Yes! YES! We all lost our shit when we heard that announcement!
But... can anybody tell me how to effectively KILL the hype for what easily could have been the most anticipated match up in XWF history? Better yet! How can you kill that hype in a matter of seconds?
Well?
Anyone?
I'll give you a clue!
Just watch a Wildcards promo! Wheeeeeeee! Take a look!
(08-25-2019, 04:57 AM)Wildcards' exciting card game promo Said: (Steve Jason glances over at Brand, and for the first time since their XX match was announced, they lock eyes. The two haven’t spoken to each other or about each other since match was announced, so this could be a very tense situation. Who knows what kind of harsh words these two may have for each other.)
SJ: Hey Brand.
Brand: Sup?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAND, HYPE DEAD AS FUCK! Good job, idiots! Even I couldn't have snuffed it out THAT fast! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
**Booing so hard your speakers take a shit**
**Chants of "Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards..."**
…
…
**STILL more chants of "Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards..."**
…
**EVEN LOUDER chants of "Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards... Wildcards SUCK! Fuck you Wildcards..."**
*** END INTERMISSION ***
We now take you to back to the Shane of today, but he's not alone...
Scene:
"A Walk To Remember"
Featuring:
Shane
Greggo, Shane's longtime, mischievous companion
Shane's new bodyguard with some cockamamie name
Narration by:
Random Ricky, a fairly rudimentary and inexpensive narrator like what many people use, with a boring ass voice and no hesitation to share his own opinion, but at least he still makes less errors than most.
All was calm along the street until... "Greggo, get the fuck back here!"
Shane can't believe how far ahead his pill popping (and sometimes pill snorting) brethren has strayed, continuing to yell to him with another, "Slow down, Greggo!" before Greggo finally stops and lets Shane and his bodyguard, 'MonoAtomic Iridium', finally catch up.
Pause – Hold up... Da fuq was dude's name again? Oh who cares, it's just some random juiced up bodyguard. I'm sure nobody needs to concern themselves with him... right? Insert SADISTIC WINK, and resume footage. Apparently I'm the only narrator so far to be informed of this goof's name, so... yay?
"Stop walking ahead of us!" Shane shouts at the glassy eyed, drooling Greggo who is so doped up he shouldn't even be allowed in public. Probably a damn pedo, too. The delirious dope fiend garbles some inaudible nonsense and facepalms himself in dismay as Shane looks at him like he's a lost cause. "Now let's go!" Shane commands... "Steve Sayors is waiting!"
The trio continue down the boulevard with Shane in the lead, Greggo in tow, and MonoAtomic Iridium trailing farthest behind with a black briefcase in his hand. Shane glances back at Greggo once more and asks, "And why the hell are you dressed like some homosexual prep cuck again?" To which Greggo responds, "pills, maaa'aaan" and proceeds to (oh you've got to be kidding me) PUKE all over himself. This cracked out fucktard isn't even leaning forward or making any effort to avoid soaking himself in the wretched smelling vomit that's still flowing out of his mouth and down his chin like a mudslide. Full sized pills (WTF yo!) can be seen throughout his backflow; some pink, some blue, some green... pretty much every color of the rainbow. Somehow his vomit is gayer looking than his outfit? Shane just stops, wide eyed, and looks at MonoAtomic Iridium in disbelief. The well paid bodyguard remains expressionless. Dude deserves a serious raise at this point, am I right?
Shane of course tries to think of a way to play this off like it's not the worst thing in the world to happen, as he sarcastically states, "Well, I guess this can't be worse than spending two straight promos watching a bunch of guys playing cards and killing hype for big matches... Right?" Shane says to his bodyguard who just stands there. Shane then looks right at the camera for a second and repeats in a somewhat panicked tone, "Right???" Yeah, I'd be panicking too if this pile of horse shit were my promo against talents as refined and calculated as The Wildcards. Thank god I'm just the damn narrator.
The upchuck continues to flow as Shane just looks away and covers his face from the horrendous odor. MonoAtomic Iridium still somehow remains stoic. One can only imagine what must be going through that man's head as he does his best to not react to anything around him. The closest we finally see to any response to what's happening is when he momentarily looks away with an ever so brief look of repugnance, but that was understandable – Greggo had just reached down curiously into the mountain of vomit collecting at his own feet and said, "Ooooh, mmmmmmm, we can't let THIS one go to waste!" ...and popped the largest blue pill BACK into his mouth and started to chew it! Oh my fucking god dude somebody euthanize this sick ass freak already!
"Greggo!" Shane's abrupt outburst was nothing compared to the sudden striking Greggo felt against the back of his ugly ass head from Shane's open hand. "Spit that back out!" ...but it was too late, as we quickly realize when Greggo opens his mouth wide and wags his tongue around like the sick asshole he is.
That's when it happens...
The moment that even Shane couldn't allow to be seen, at least not in this particular promo...
"Cut! Cut right now!" Shane's frantic bellowing toward the camera was just in the nick of time as a loud rumbling could be heard coming from Greggo's lower region and his pants had begun to drop!!!!???!!?!??
Well so much for THAT scene! I'm out! I'm done! I quit! Find someone else to narrate your traveling circus, Shane!
Scene:
"The Interview"
Featuring:
Shane
Steve Sayors
Narration by:
STEVE SAYORS!
...because nobody else was willing by this point
It had been a long time since I interviewed Shane one on one, and I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, but here I was... early as usual.
I took my coffee from the barista and grabbed a seat toward the front so Shane would see me as soon as he arrived. It wasn't like Shane to request to meet at a place like Starbucks, but I definitely had no complaints there. In fact, this is probably the best location I will have ever interviewed Shane in the entire time I've known him! Let me go ahead and add some sugar to my coffee to sweeten the deal even further while I wait for...
Oh dear...
Oh God, no...
Shane's across the street from Starbucks and he's not by himself.
Is that...?
I squint my eyes and raise my hand to block the sun that was flooding in through the window I was seated up against.
Oh my word... That's Greggo with him!? And he appears to be completely covered in, oh jesus, I don't even know what. That's got to be human feces. It's got to be.
There's also an intimidating looking, muscular bald man carrying a suitcase with him too. Maybe Shane's new bodyguard? Knowing my luck that guy has a bunch of sex toys in the suitcase.
Oh jesus, They're getting closer and yeah that definitely looks like either feces or vomit all over Greggo's shirt and pants.
I quickly grab my cell phone and keys off the table and just leave my coffee behind. I'm not dealing with this today. I head toward the counter and ask if there's a way to get out back but I'm told they can't allow a customer to use that exit. I beg and I plead but it is to no avail as the manager is telling me there's nothing he can do and if I don't step aside for the next customer he's going to have to escort me out.
That's when I hear the *ding* of the front door opening.
I know who it is but I don't turn around.
A few seconds later I feel a hand on my shoulder. I'm fully expecting to turn around and be met with feces somehow ending up on my face or body but...
It's only Shane! Was I hallucinating earlier?
I look around in disbelief for a second and let out a sigh of relief as Shane seems puzzled by my reaction.
"I'm puzzled by your reaction."
Dang, I'm a good narrator. Anyway, I look around again and I walk toward the front windows of the Starbucks to peek outside and I still don't see Greggo!
"I could have sworn I saw you with someone while you were crossing the street."
"Oh, no... It's just me. Don't worry about that."
Shane walks past me to order his beverage and I almost have a heart attack and a stroke just hearing his order...
"I'll have a Grande Cafe Mocha with three extra shots of Espresso, and I'll also take a quadruppio Espresso on the side to help wash that down."
Once he's done paying, I turn to him and I just have to ask...
"Did I hear you right? What the heck even is a quadruppio?"
"Oh, it's just some bullshit term the tool bags around here made up because they heard a double Espresso is a doppio, which is actually Italian for double... so they think they can make up their own words like trippio and quadruppio and so on... I just play along because it makes me look good to the young hot studs and ladies who often come here. They hear me speaking their language and see me looking like a million bucks with this beautiful face, this popping chest, my custom tailored suits, and it just makes it all the easier to seduce them and spread my seed."
"Studs and ladies?"
"Yup, you heard me, Steven. I'm not restricted by the imaginary constraints of man made sexuality or laws. Everyone is fair game, Steve... EVERYONE. Sex is universal, and as Robert California taught us in Season 8 of The Office, everything is sex."
"But I"
"EVERYTHING."
I stop and just look at Shane for what starts to feel like a very awkward moment but luckily his liquid heart attacks are ready for him at the counter so his rather disturbing stare is broken quickly, allowing me to make my way toward the table I was originally seated in. Shane goes and grabs an ungodly amount of raw sugar and mixes it into his drinks before coming to join me. He looks at my coffee, which is literally just a regular coffee, and he seems appalled.
"Leave it to you to order the most boring thing on the menu. No wonder everyone in the XWF loves you so much and keeps you around. You're just like all of them."
I take a sip of my coffee and just let the insults roll off of me as I've become very accustom to this treatment over the years. Shane may be one of the creepiest guys I've dealt with but as far as the insults go, I've heard much worse from others with sharper tongues.
I glance at the cameraman who is doing his best to not stand in the way of any customers walking around and I go ahead and get this interview started.
"I wanted to start out by thanking you for taking the time to meet with me today, Shane. As someone who has followed your career since the day you entered the business, I'm pleased to be the one to be able to interview you about your upcoming match at XX that also happens to involve three other men I've followed since their debuts."
"Of course, Steve. Everything worth talking about started in my CCWF, the Championship Wrestling Federation. Just tell it like it is."
"Well, some may take issue with that statement bu-"
"Excuse me? Who could take issue? If you take a look at the entire XX card, if memory serves me right, EIGHT of the biggest names on that card are former CCWF roster members. Even BIGG RIGG was in the CCWF if you remember, Steven... and a lot of people seem to like to forget about that. Do you know who else happened to be in the CCWF and are both former title holders in CCWF?"
I have a feeling I know where he's going with this but I just let him continue...
"Both halves of your MAIN EVENT, that's who. Steve Jason got his start in the CCWF. Everyone knows that, but some people seem to forget that THE BRAND is a former CCWF title holder in his own right, during a time when the XWF was forcing him to basically fake an injury so he wasn't allowed to compete on XWF television, so he said fuck that and came where the real action was. He didn't stay long because he was rightfully treated as a mid-carder and it was clear he wouldn't be able to rack up the insanely convoluted winning streak the XWF was feeding him, but he was there nonetheless."
"You have no idea how much it pleases me to see that 20 years after the XWF's creation, it's two former CCWF champions doing battle in the main event and in what could be considered the biggest match in wrestling history."
I start to say something but Shane interrupts...
"You're welcome, Sayors."
Shane turns to the camera and addresses you all.
"You're welcome, everyone. From the marks to the smarks to the neckbeards, you're ALL welcome."
Shane stands up and takes a bow, really soaking up the moment like the arrogant prick he tends to be at times. Of course I keep those thoughts to myself, though.
"You do make a valid point and there's no denying all eyes will be on that main event, but let's talk a little about your match and how this all came to be when you originally weren't even supposed to be a part of this reunion show."
Shane takes his seat and starts drinking his Cafe Mocha with so much Espresso in it that it could probably kill a horse.
"Yes, let's talk about that. Let's talk about how" chuckling "I wasn't supposed to be a part of it. Heh..."
"Is there something you want to tell us? What's so amusing about that?"
With a sly grin on his face he leans back in his chair and gazes out to the people passing by in front of the Starbucks.
"Do you have any idea who I am, Steve?"
I wasn't exactly expecting that question. I doubt it's going to be a simple answer...
"Tell us."
"I'm the REASON this reunion show happened in the first place. Hell, Steve, I AM THE REUNION SHOW."
"I'm not sure I follow."
"That's to be expected, because you're as simple as all the rest. Let me ask you a question, Sayors – Did you happen to pay any attention at all to the TIMING of my abrupt 'exit' from the XWF?"
"I haven't put a lot of thought into it but now that you mention it, it does seem like you resigned as XWF owner, or benefactor, or whatever your title was just in time for you to be out of the picture when people started talking and tweeting about the 20 year reunion special."
"You've got that half right, Steve. A better way to word that would be to say I made my exit so there COULD BE talk of a 20 year reunion special. Look at the names that are on the XX card and think back over the last near decade... the vast majority of them haven't set foot in the XWF because they were afraid to compete under my rules and they were afraid to be exposed as being far less than the 'legendary' competitors they all claimed to be."
"Very few of those names dared to compete under my reign, but do you know who did compete?"
"AIDAN 'BLIZZARD' COLLINS."
"He dared to enter my doors in late 2013 and immediately tried to verbally cut down the entire roster, calling them inferior and claiming he would be holding the top championship in short order. I lost count of how many times he called OTHER people's promos contrived - apparently his favorite word - yet it was he who was struggling the most to twist and turn the tide in his favor."
"Do you know what happened to him?"
"Loss."
"After loss."
"After loss."
"Followed by one of the most epic temper tantrums this place has ever seen to date."
Aidan's lucky to even be in the top 300 of all time after his emasculate display!!!
Fucking ineffective pussy. I'd get a bigger hard on from -->one of these silicon sex dolls<-- than I ever could from Blizzitch's nasty, defiled, worn, tattered, cunt hole."
"Now, granted Blizzard was never the top guy in any era of XWF but the way he came charging through those doors and claiming to be light years ahead of everyone else definitely matched the same senseless egomaniacal bullshit the vast majority of those older names love to regurgitate and recycle. It's like they all had the same script, and because of that, they almost all knew to just stay away when the playing field was finally level as a result of my taking over... and they CERTAINLY saw what happened to poor lil' Blizz. He was the perfect representative of their hive-mind superiority complex finally being put to a real test. I sure hope he found someone worse than himself to face at XX so he at least stands a chance of FINALLY gaining another victory under the XWF banner. Oh wait, yup, he found somebody worse alright! HAHAHA!"
Shane has a hard time holding back his laughter at this point. He leans over in his chair and laughs so hard he almost falls to the floor.
"HAHAHAHA Ooooooh, man... Too easy. These dopes are putty in my ass."
"Anyway, through my digression we're brought back to the main point about how it was my exit from the XWF that ALLOWED this XX extravaganza to even be formed. Do you think for one second you'd see disabled relics like Ranma Saotome, Ace Vincent, Famine of the Vile, Star, Mighty Kid, or even Chronic Chris Page on that card had MY name been ANYWHERE in the discussion of who was involved in the XWF of today?"
I see where Shane's going with this but I need to be careful how I answer, especially when he's got hot coffee at his disposal.
"While we may see the reasoning a little differently, no, we probably wouldn't see most of those names being booked today if you had been around."
"There's NO reasoning to see differently, Steven. It's a fact – Without my departure being made known to them by certain names they trusted, they would have said FUCK NO to being a part of any XWF show in today's day and age."
"You know what the most glorious part about all of this is, though?"
"What's that?"
"Those fools were led straight into a false sense of security through all of the early XX negotiations and match signings... and even the ones who had some lingering suspicions in the back of their minds were put further at ease once the official card went up and there was STILL no hint or sign of mean ol' Shane to spoil their fun or exploit their presence."
Shane chuckles under his breath and takes a few sips of his 'quadruppio' Espresso.
"That was... until that fateful night when Wednesday Warfare saw the 'return' of the one man who everyone in this company has been affected by in ways they can never rectify or forget. As I said that night on Warfare, I originally was going to be showing up as the MANAGER of the Bloodhounds but the fact that Juggalo got severely injured by The Wildcards played right into my hands even better than I had ever predicted! There I was, once again stealing the spotlight from everyone else on Warfare as my gorgeous face was plastered across the X-Tron for all to see in the closing moments of the show."
"There I was, the very next day, officially added to the XX card that all those cowards had thought would be completely" In a high pitched, mocking tone, "FREEEEEEEEE of any involvement from the big bad boogie man who haunts them in their sleep."
"From step one: my supposed exit... everything has gone according to plan. I could manipulate these dopes until the end of time itself and none of them would ever smarten up! Now, not only are they contractually obligated to appear on the same card that will see me brutalize and sodomize two of their own beloveds, but they're once again contributing to putting money into my bank account while they no doubt bitch and moan about the fact that Shane is STILL here laughing in their faces and giving their strings the tug job of the millennium."
I was a little caught off guard by Shane's last statement so I had to question it.
"Am I to understand you're claiming to profit off of their involvement in the XWF?"
"You heard me loud and clear. There's no doubt about it."
"So are you saying you're still the owner? Or some level of.."
"Oh, stop it. Do you really think I'm going to spill it all this easily? Trust me when I tell you, I'm profiting financially and I'm benefiting in other less traditional ways by this entire event and everything that's led up to it. In fact, I would say this has been my most successful year in the XWF to date, for a number of reasons that have yet to be unveiled! HA!"
Shane winks as I just take a sip of my coffee and come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be able to make sense of what he's saying. There's a good chance it's all a collection of lies anyway, coming from him... right? But then again, there's really no denying the timing and everything as far as how the XX show and card came together.
"You've really given everyone a lot to think about here today."
"Have I? Are you sure they're capable of thought? I wouldn't say 'everyone' as carelessly as you did. Maybe SOME are thinking. Maybe."
Typical Shane, finding any possible way to cut people down and insult their intelligence.
"Moving on, I think we do need to touch on the recent promos of The Wildcards, Centurion and Maverick. Both of them had some very strong words for you and seemed to be much more focused on you than on your partner K-Money. Do you worry at all that, given the lack of safety in a Raw Brutality Match, they might be looking to end your career or worse?"
"I'm well aware of the level of attention I COMMAND from anyone I step in the sights of, Steven. Do I expect it? Yes. Do I think it's a wise move on their part to fall into such a predictable routine? No... and that's because, no matter how big of a deal I am in Centurion and Maverick's heads, I'm really just a guy who has made an obnoxious amount of money off of them and played them like fiddles since their very first day in the business. I'm not a wrestler, Steven. I'm a distraction. I'm the art of misdirection spun so many times over that even I can't trust myself. K-Money is by far one of the most dangerous men to ever set foot in any ring and for them to even THINK for one second that I should be their primary focus has already rung that closing bell and given us the announcement we ALL knew was coming..."
Shane stands up in Starbucks, holds his Espresso up to his mouth and yells into it like it's a microphone.
"YOUR WINNERS! AS A RESULT OF REFEREE STOPPAGE! K-MONEY AND SHANE ... THE FUGITIVES OF SANITY!!!!!"
Shane's face was turning red he was screaming so hard as everyone froze and stared at him like he was an absolute nut case. He sits back down like nothing happened and continues at a normal volume once again.
"As I was saying, Sayors, K-Money is going to shatter their jaws and collapse their spinal cords without so much as even breaking a sweat... and even once they're both a crumpled mass of twitching gore on the mat, they'll STILL probably have their eyes locked on ME... yet there's a good chance I will not have even needed to lay a single finger on either of them the entire night. My undeniable magnetism and attraction has TAKEN them, Steve. It's taken them for a ride they'll never remember because the ride's already been going for nearly twenty years and they STILL don't understand how or why they're both speeding so fast toward total and utter damnation."
"Did you happen to hear the things Maverick said about me, Steve?"
"I did. He seems to"
"Shut up, Sayors. Maverick did a great job of praising me and recognizing my accomplishments early on in the business when he mentioned how my CCWF had the competing XWF up against a wall in the early years. It's true, but then what happened? As Maverick truthfully stated, I sold the CCWF to Cooper – a move MANY people questioned and condemned but to this day I wouldn't change it for the world. You have to remember that every step I take in the physical realm is merely a reenactment of steps I've already laid and seen play out in my head. Long before any 'CCWF invasions' or any official on screen appearance of the great Shane on XWF television, I already had my talons deep inside of the asshole of this federation. I was already inside of Jonathyn and I was already a force behind the scenes of the XWF even BEFORE the CCWF ever closed the first time!"
"Didn't you catch my promo about, oh I'd say maybe 13 years ago, when I was booked in a match against everyone's favorite wrestler... CYREN?"
"I'm not sure I recall that, actually."
"Well, even back then, I had no problems admitting to the world in that promo that the entire idea of any CCWF invasions or any 'us vs them' bullshit that Jonathyn and I were a part of, was all RIGGED! I admitted it clear as day way back then for all to hear, but since the XWF has always had so many narcissists who only care about their OWN promos and hardly pay attention to anything else, hardly anyone even took notice."
"It was for a match against Cyren? Did you win?"
Shane laughs and takes a sip of his Espresso.
"That's besides the point but OF COURSE I DID! That's probably why, years later, he decided to stage a FAKE return of The Black Order and had some worthless piece of shit POSING as me during that return. That's the ONLY reason James Raven is able to claim a 'victory' over me, by the way; because Cyren had a fake Shane accepting matches and jobbing out while in reality I was probably having an orgy in Thailand with some of the hottest ladyboys known to mankind."
"I... uh, wow."
"Wow is right! You don't know what you're missing! Let's get back on track, though. Maverick brought up a few great points while he was praising me and he even was kind enough to tell the truth and call Centurion 'BORING AS SHIT' – Mav's words."
"Yeah, I did notice that. I take it more as a friendly banter amo-"
"I take it as him being HONEST! I don't care if Centurion giggled and nutted in his pants while plucking at his own nipples when he heard it, it was still true! They say people are often the most honest when they're drunk, but the closest runner up to being drunk is when people play along with that whole 'friendly banter' bullshit so many people love to do. It was also true when Maverick clearly stated that it was he who showed Centurion the template for success that allowed Cent to later be a big enough name for The Apex Prophecy to welcome him on board."
"Do you know what the best part of all that is?"
"If Centurion has Maverick to thank for that, and Maverick only rose to the heights he rose to as a result of my influence and the tests I FORCED him to endure in the CCWF... it means we officially have ME to thank for the mere existence of The Apex Prophecy of today!"
I can't help but be taken aback by Shane's words as my eyebrows shoot to the roof. This guy has somehow evolved into such an egomaniac that he makes the Shane of any past era seem timid and modest.
"I feel like I speak for many people when I say that's a highly questionable statement, but I"
"Questionable? QUESTIONABLE?"
Shane slams his hand down on the table and our coffees tip over. Shane grabs my sleeve and uses it to quickly wipe up the mess before anyone notices. Thank goodness it wasn't still scalding hot coffee, and considering that I thought I saw a feces-covered Greggo with Shane earlier, I should be thankful it's just coffee ending up on me today. Shane seems really triggered by me questioning him as he shoves my arm back toward me once he's done wiping up the mess.
"You want to know what's QUESTIONABLE, you blithering sack of shit? Eh?"
"What's that?"
"Centurion's flaming bag of trash that he tossed out during HIS words about me. He really went off the rails, and in more ways than one!"
"You see, I'm sure you know this but maybe some of our viewers don't... There's this unspoken rule we have, or at least we like to think people in the business know about the rule despite not speaking about it often... The rule is called don't pull OOC shit into your promos and-"
"Woah!!!!!!!"
"Hold on, Shane!!!"
"I don't think you're supposed to even be saying those three letters!"
"What's it matter? If other people in the XWF of today can repeatedly get away with doing it, why can't I reference it? Besides... all those letters stand for is Off Of Camera, Steven. Did you think I meant something else? Heh..."
"Uhhhhh..."
My eyes narrow as I glances left to right, not sure how to respond to Shane at this point. I might need to cut this interview short if this goes in the direction I think it's going.
"All I'm saying is, most of us know not to bring certain Off-Of-Camera topics into the realm of the x-treme because as soon as you do, you open up the flood gates for your opponent that week to use that same kind of ammunition against you. Most of the veterans in the business know this already but much to my astonishment it seems like Centurion has forgotten this golden rule. You see, Steven, not only did I catch Centurion using the word 'gimmick' in a recent promo of his that WASN'T even directed at me... but I also couldn't help but notice him pulling blatantly skewed Off-Of-Camera material right out of his defiled anal cavity during his promo that WAS directed at me. So it seems like no matter who he's talking to or talking about, he can't keep his shit in his ass and we ALL know once it falls out, it's not going back up inside."
Jesus fuck, Shane's got problems. Ugh, I better just go along with this...
"What exactly was said, Shane, and why is saying the word gimmick off limits?"
"Well, the word 'gimmick' per se might not necessarily be off limits, depending on how you use it, but as soon as you go around accusing other wrestlers of running gimmicks, it pretty much tells us you're a joke. Did you happen to catch Centurion's recent promo for Wednesday Night Warfare, during which he gave a lecture to a group of unsuspecting, impressionable minds at Atlantic Cape Community College?"
"I did, and I thought it wa-"
"I don't care what you think, Steve. Now as far as that lecture went, I'll be the first to admit Centurion looked sharp as hell in that suit... the man has impeccable taste, but that's where his ability to impress comes to a screeching halt. Not only did he use the line, 'I get it, we all need a gimmick, but when your gimmick has you looking like a character from Hellsing, maybe it’s time for an overhaul', but he also went on to prove he's a thief!"
"A thief?"
"A THIEF!!! That's right... as if it's not cringe worthy enough anytime some dope rambles on about 'gimmicks', he had to humiliate himself even further toward the end of that same promo when he made a mockery of the great Scott Steiner – a man I know very well from the time he spent competing in my CCWF – by STEALING and butchering Scott's patented Steiner-Math without crediting the great mathematician by name!"
"Stealing his math?"
"You heard me, Sayors. You claimed to have seen Centurion's promo so I'm a bit shocked by your ignorance here. You haven't seen Steiner Math in action before? Have you ever watched ANYTHING besides XWF since you got fired by me in the CCWF? I'm not going to quote the whole comment but anyone who watches Centurion's 'School Is In Session' promo will no doubt catch what I'm talking about toward the end of it. Well, almost everyone anyway; I imagine some of the narcissists on today's roster that just tell us their incredibly lackluster and banal life stories because they've never watched wrestling a day in their life before coming here, might not GET it."
"I see..."
This is getting weird. Shane has had way too much caffeine and who knows what else before he got here. I need to hurry this interview along...
"And what about the other thing you mentioned?"
"Other THING? What?"
"I'm just trying to keep this interview moving because it's getting a little uncomfortable. You said Centurion used 'Off Of Camera' material in his promo for XX against you...?"
"Oh, right. I guess I abhor Centurion so much I already started daydreaming about happier memories, like that time I ripped my scrotum open while climbing over a fence."
"What????"
Shane slams his hand down on the table.
"Stay on track, Sayors! It's time to talk about that lovely Off-Of-Camera crap Centurion tried twisting. Let me ask you a question... Do you have any idea what THIS is even supposed to mean?"
Shane pulls out his phone and tells me to call him. I just do as he says at this point because he's clearly on the verge of a mental breakdown and I don't want to be attacked. I pull out my phone and I call Shane's number... After a few seconds, I hear coming out of his phone...
" permabanned all the old guys, and was ready to lead the XWF into a new era."
Shane picks up, tells me to fuck myself in the asshole, and hangs up.
"Uhhhh... So um, I...."
"Did you hear my ringtone, Sayors? I took the ONE good trick Griffin MacShitbag ever had and I made somebody's asinine quote as my cellphone ringtone to remind me of how idiotic of a line had been said!"
"So every time you get a call, you hear Centurion saying that?"
"Exactly, but that brings us back to the question at hand – Can you EXPLAIN it? Can you make sense of what he said about me supposedly 'permabanning' all the old names and starting a new era???"
"Ah, yes, if I remember right, I think Centurion was probably talking about the reboot when all the big names had to leave and"
"Stop right there, Sayors. That's NOT what he was talking about. The 'reboot era' you're describing is something only Jonathyn Brown did, and that was long before I took over as owner. I actually wasn't involved with the XWF in any capacity during its ONLY reboot. Now, with that said, can you possibly explain Centurion's comment?"
I give the camera "the look" – You know the one. It's that "holy crap what's happening" look. Shane has lost it. Ugh, dang it, I better just play along here...
"I suppose I can't explain it because even if I think about 'Off Of Camera' events, there still was no perma-banning of all the old names by you. Centurion may have just been mistaken, Shane. I don't think he necessarily went with 'Off Of Camera' material as you claim. Is it possible you're jumping to conclusions here?"
"Not a chance, because not only is he reaching for that cheap ass, off camera material, but he's even LYING about how it went down! He couldn't even get the timing of the events down properly because he claimed I 'perma-banned' everyone a couple months BEFORE Cyren's arrival, yet the massive shit storm that saw a mass, willing retreat – aka not a banning – of many old names was actually happening while Cyren had already been back for quite some time!"
"They ran away, Sayors... and they all know it. Hell, even the ever so short-lived flash in the pan known as, I think it's "Big Shank", just finally admitted on XWF television that he ran for the hills in 2012. Go ahead and click that link I just supplied and scroll to the highlighted name '' and see for yourself! HAHA!"
Oh my lord... Shane is gone. He's not even on this planet anymore.
"Link? Scroll down? Whaaaa...?"
"Ignore what I just said about links! Pay attention! According to his XX promo, as soon as 'BS' – perfect initials by the way – heard the name Shane and found out one of his friends wasn't running the show to help him acquire unwarranted opportunities and spotlight, he was DONE... so why couldn't Centurion just be a man and be honest like that guy finally was? Centurion is not only a coward but he's a liar and he's nuts, Sayors! I don't go out of my way to keep people around who are afraid to compete without being surrounded by friends who help them look strong. What was I supposed to do? Chain Centurion and the other legendary pussies up in my dungeon and stop them from following their lovers out the door? Huh???"
Shane has been getting redder and louder with each word, now grabbing me by the shirt collar and shaking me violently. Oh jesus, I was afraid things were going to get bad....
"HE'S NUTS! Do you hear me, Sayors?!?!? CENTURION IS NUTS!!!"
Shane shoves me away and takes a deep breath before continuing.
"What's even more insane than all that, though? I guess Centurion claiming he hasn't heard of The Fugitives of Sanity before. Do you know why that is?"
"It's possible he just hasn't heard o-"
"SHUT UP! I wasn't asking you; I was asking ME!"
Wow.
"The reason that's even more nuts is because he knows damn well he was the first name to come crawling to me BEGGING to be included in the stable after the big reveal which saw K-Money, T-Money, Sewaside, Tomoko Hanahara, and Weapon:Ashen come together and immediately be recognized as easily the most overpowered stable in the history of the XWF. Not just dominant, Sayors... flat out overpowered to the point of it being unfair to even compare the FoS to ANY other group in history. The SAME NIGHT the Fugitives debuted on XWF television, Centurion wanted in... because he knew the power he beheld and he knew the mastermind behind it."
"I'm not sure I follow, Shane. Weren't you leading The Black Order around that time? You weren't actually in the-"
"Steven..."
"Yes?"
"Remember how I said once you bring 'Off Of Camera' material into play, you screw yourself over because then it can be shot right back down your throat?"
Reluctantly, I give the answer I know Shane's waiting for......
"….....Yes." -_-
"This is more of that."
"O...k...?"
"Behind closed doors, I was the driving force behind the assembly and launch of The Fugitives of Sanity despite my public role with The Black Order, and since I already knew The Black Order was a sinking ship I had NO problem helping to unleash the Fugitives onto the scene. People who were 'in the know' about off screen activities were very aware of this, and Centurion was one of those well informed parties at that time."
"Ah, I see."
"Right, and like I said, I don't even think a full hour had passed since the debut of the group before Centurion was blowing up my voicemail and asking me if I could get him into the group. He didn't even wait until the Fugitives were STABLE CHAMPIONS, Steven! No sir! He had to start trying to weasel his way in mere minutes, hell maybe even seconds after the the XWF signed off the air that night... yet now he claims to not remember? Hell, I guess I'd try and forget about that too if I had been shot down so fast."
"Could it be that he just meant he didn't know you were an official member of t-"
"STOP IT! Stop trying to defend that desperate liar and thief! These were his EXACT words..."
Shane sends himself a text on his phone and the text tone that goes off is Centurion's voice again...
"the 'Fugitives of Sanity'? That’s news to me. Was this a pairing that existed when I was in the middle of my breakdown? Or is this an old team that barely registered on the radar, which is why I don’t remember them?"
First a ringtone and now a text tone, both of Centurion quotes? Wow, Centurion has really gotten under Shane's skin. I don't even know what to say anymore.
"And you're going to try to make excuses for THAT?"
"...Maybe it was during his breakdown like he said?"
"HA! I imagine that humiliation was THE CAUSE of his breakdown, Sayors!"
"Let me just say this much... we all better hope to God, Satan, or SOMEONE that Centurion was lying out of his ass when he made that comment because the alternative is much worse and means his mind has already started to decompose and it's possible the dementia is already quite far along in him. He can't remember the former stable champions he wished to join while he was 100% active and competing on the XWF's roster during the entire reign of??? WHAT?!? DOES THAT IDIOT EVEN REMEMBER TOMOKO HANAHARA? She was one of us, ya know! His own FORMER partner! Does he even remember winning the tag titles with her before she ascended to greatness and left him far behind??? Does he remember ANYTHING correctly? ANYTHING AT ALL???? DOES AH FFFUCKIN'SHHHEEAA! (insert several dozen more things being shouted incoherently that aren't real words)"
Calm down, Shane... You're turning beet red.
The heat flowing out of every orifice of Shane's body had met my face like a hard slap. I feel like I'm standing in front of a fireplace. Shane immediately pauses, lets out a sigh, and indeed remains silent for a moment to regain his composure and cool down. Now peering off into the distance, the stubble of his own cheek seemed to calm him as he grazed his open hand against it, almost trance like. I don't know what's happening, but at least he seems to be settling down. Shane then adjusts his glasses which had started inching down his nose while he was shouting in my face like a raging psychopath, and he unbuttons the top half of his shirt to let his self proclaimed "chesticles" breathe.
"I'm fine, Steve. I'm fine."
Something's off. Shane starts to wobble back and forth in his chair with a distant look in his eyes...
PLOP!
"Holy shit! Somebody call 911!"
Shane's body was flat on the floor and a puddle of Espresso was forming under his face. A panic ensues in Starbucks when suddenly two men come SMASHING through the door and OH MY GOD NO it's some giant roided up bald beefcake and Greggo who has some rancid smelling brown and rainbow colored substance all over him! The muscular bald man has a black suitcase which he quickly sets down on the floor next to Shane's body and opens it up to reveal several syringes that are larger than any syringes I've ever seen in my life!
The large muscular man asks Greggo which syringe he should use but Greggo is too busy turning Shane face up on the floor and humping his face! Greggo starts yelling for Shane to wake up while humping his face and the muscular man is throwing a freakin' fit! It has to be roid rage! He's sending chairs flying through the air, punching holes through windows and sending Starbucks employees flying out into the street to get run over!
I look down at the contents of the open briefcase and I see that each giant syringe is clearly labeled...
There are four of them...
1. Super Sex Formula
2. Date Rape Shot x 10
3. Date Rape Shot x 1,000 - Horse strength
4. Use in case Shane passes out from going fucking nuts over a Centurion promo
A light bulb goes off above my head! 💡
I start yelling to Greggo and the muscle bound maniac!
"It's the yellow syringe on the end! Number four! Use that one!"
Greggo and the big man start fighting over syringe number four but it doesn't take long for Greggo to be thrown through a wall by the big man, who takes the syringe and he aims....... and BLAAAAM!!!! Straight to Shane 's dick!
Shane sits up with his eyes bulging and lets out a terrifying cry like I've never heard before in my life! I can't even stand to watch what's happening as I cover my eyes and start praying for this to end... and all of a sudden...
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