Mr. Sex is sitting on the edge of a bed in a seedy hotel room. He looks up at the camera and smiles. He's also sliding a Trojan Magnum condom onto his foot.

Mr. Sex: Oh, hello!

He snaps the condom in place, fitting his left foot snugly and ending at the ankle like a prophylactic tennis sock. He slaps another on his right.

Mr. Sex: There we go, well protected. That's right, I have to triple wrap it, I'm that sexy, and I have to keep my condom application game up. Whoo, the ladies get offput when you're slow with a condom. If you want to impress the hot babes, show them neat tricks you learned to put condoms on. One night, I wooed a lustful hot babe by putting my condom on McGuyver style using dental floss, a bendy straw, and the ceiling fan, and then we had a lot of awesome sex right there.

Danny Sex rises, his limp member dangling, an oversized condom barely staying on and ultimately falling off his penis and hitting the floor with a moist plop. He picks up a wife beater from the bed and puts it on, but his penis is still showing. He seems pretty happy, though, not like he's intimidating you with his masculine sexuality.

Mr. Sex: So, Michael Graves, you're going to go sex up someone in the XWF and you think I'm going to sit back? I love sex. I am Mr. Sex. That's my name, for crying out loud. Sex is really my thing. Sexing hot babes, all over the place, diving in and out of pussy like I'm swimming an eight hundred meter medley. And taking the virginity? Yeesh, you probably think a night down at the chili dog hut is the best place to pick up girls, and you're probably just stalking the cashier. Weirdo. Criminy justice, I'm going to show you how to be a huge hunk of masculine hotness such as myself. I'm going to thump it into you like I thump baby batter into the waiting, sweltering, deliciously slick vaginas of hot babes all across the globe. I have sex around the world from Kiev to Carolina, I'm sticky fingered from fingerbanging from Berlin down to Belize, I gave that hot ass a ride on a slow boat to China, tell me where in the world didn't I stick it in Carmen Sandiego? I found that hot babe's clues and location, and after going through her A to Z and back to G-spot for a real deal around the world, we had a lovely pancake breakfast, had a nice warm hug, and went our ways. You, Michael Graves, can't tell the difference between an erogenous and no-fly zone; getting shot down every time you get up.