The crowd at Full sail is popping off as the XWF rolls into town with its beefy, sexy undercard!

That annoying little girl, Izzy, from all of the NXT shows who always sits in the front row is there!

People who got comped free tickets for being in the right place at the right time are there!

Random folks who got free admission along with their tourism packages are there!


BARNEY GREEN IS IN THE FRONT ROW!!!!

LET'S GET THIS SHIT ON THE ROAD!

John Blaq - vs - Tommy Gunn

Right at the bell Gunn ducks a lazy clothesline but gets caught in the ropes like a jackass who hasn't wrestled in years. Both men reach into their junk and pull out rolls of dimes!

DOUBLE ROLL OF DIMES PUNCH TO THE CHIN FROM EACH MAN!


1!2!3!4!5!6!7!8!9!10!!!!!!!!!


IT'S A DOUBLE COUNT OUT! SEND THE FANS HOME HAPPY IS THE XWF MOTTO!!

Double Count Out - Fans Demand Refund

Mezian - vs - Drezdin

The fans go absolutely ape shit for Drezdin, except for Barney Green who stares at him intensely while chewing an entire tin's worth of Grizzly Wintergreen, because it's way cheaper in Florida.

After a brief flurry from Drez, Mezian takes over with some sweet moves, including but not limited to:

- Chinlocks
- Hammerlocks
- Snap mares
- Armdrags
- Chinlocks

After a botch that sees Drez screw up a leapfrog and stumble to the ropes, Mezian improvises with a running clothesline over the top! This gives Barney the chance he needs to spit a huge mouthful of dip right into Drezdin's eyes! NASTY!

After Drezdin staggers back into the ring, he walks right into the waiting arms of Mezian for APOCALYPSE NOW!!!!


1!
2!
3!!!

It's all over! Barney Green wanders off to find a Wal-Mart bathroom during the intermission but never returns.

Winner - Mezian

Good back and forth action starts this one off, with Harris taking an early advantage after pretending to injure a knee after a judo throw just like Ahmed Johnson in 1997.

Cadryn takes a beating for a good 10 minutes before FIRING UP and feeding off the intensity of the Full Sail crowd.

Tiberius shakes the ropes and shouts COME ON BABY! After hitting a routine hip toss, then sees Izzy in the crowd smiling at him and cheering him on.

He wipes a tear from his eye.

He dedicates the match to Izzy and ALL CHILDREN.

Cadryn then eats a huge big boot and gets pinned!



1!


2!

OMG HE KICKS OUT THOUGH!


Harris can't believe it, but he lifts Cadryn up on his shoulders and swings him for the GUNSHOT! Cadryn squirms free and Harris turns around, confused...

Kick to the gut!

Crucifix Piledriver from Tiberius! FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN!

1!



2!



3!!!!


CADRYN DID IT FOR THE KIDS!!!!!

Winner - Cadryn Tiberius/Children

Shocking the arena full of 200 fans, the advertised main event goes on before Trax and 'Lyps! Possibly because Caedus has an autograph session scheduled in 10 minutes, possibly because the Trax match has been changed to a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE X-TREME RULEZZZ MATCH!!

Or possibly other reasons, who knows.


Nate Higgers tries to compare belt sizes with Caedus, who laughs about it right up until Higgers slams him in the dome with the Federweight Title!

Higgers is all over the Universal Champ, slamming him headfirst into turnbuckles, stomping him like a proverbial mudhole, even hitting a picture perfect Lou Thesz---

NO! Caedus swung his inertia, flipped his hips, and dropped Higgers with a spinebuster! Caedus is LIVID when a drop of crimson rolls down his scalp from the belt shot, and he roars to the crowd!

"NOBODY MAKES ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD!"

Caedus whips Higgers like a government mule, repeatedly dropping him on his head and neck, but pulling him before the count of three after every pin!

Caedus is enjoying this!




KEILBASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

no

KINSHASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


no, hold up


KATABASISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!


Higgers is lying face down in a puddle of spit, but Jimmy doesn't look ready to take it home. IT'S A SHOOT BROTHER!!! JIM CAEDUS HAS TORN KAYFABE ASUNDER!!!

Jim Caedus grabs the Federweight belt and slips it under Higgers' face, then grabs his own Universal Title belt and climbs the ropes....



CAEDUS WITH A GUILLOTINE LEGDROP WITH THE TITLE UNDER HIS ASS!


HIGGERS GOT A FLYING BELTCHAIRTO!!!!!



The referee immediately throws up the dreaded X with his arms, signalling for a bell and or medical aid to be offered to the fallen Nate Higgers.

Winner by Medical Stoppage - Jim Caedus

Caedus leaves the ring without the Federweight Belt, holding his own title high in the air so people can take Snapchats of him with dog ears and shit.

After heading backstage he texts Nate right away to make sure they are still friends, bro.

Calypso! - vs - Mr. F'n Dominance, Trax

Trax gets to the ring wearing a dope ass pair of LeBrons! Those aren't cheap, folks!

WAIT.. HERE COMES CALYPSO WITH A PAIR OF KANYES!!!!!

Calypso gets rugby tackled by security just like Trax said he would, but eventually he convinces the security guards through tears and vigorous pointing at his lanyard that he is indeed THE Calypso.

As soon as the bell rings Trax nails Calypso with a Trap Silencer! Trax just stands in the corner waiting for Calypso to get back up rather than going for a pin!

Trax leaves the ring and tosses a full metal trash can into the ring, which for whatever reason is full of things you wouldn't fin in trash cans usually, like a cheese grater, a stop sign, a kendo stick, a traffic cone, a fire extinguisher, and a small bag full of thumb tacks!

Why do we always travel with these things in our ring gear?

Back in the ring, Calypso is crawling around looking for a contact lens when he finds the flotsam and jetsam of the trash can. Trax rushed him, but Calypso nails A TRAFFIC CONE TO THE JIMMY!!! Trax is paralyzed with weird pain... did he bust a nut? Not like that, I mean really bust one?

Calypso sees his chance and runs the ropes! He bounces by and runs them again! And again! And one more time!



THE CLAPPP!!!!!



Calypso hits a picture perfect Clap on Trax, and he knocks off one single cornrow!

Trax looks at the little twist lying on the mat and then at Calypso, who seems to feel kinda bad about doing that.

TRAX REARS BACK FOR A PUNCH but Calypso drops onto the mat in a fetal position, turtling up like a pro.

Trax kicks around at Calypso but can't get through his armadillo-esque defense mechanism.

Finally, Calypso unrolls like a potato bug and lies on his back, asking Trax to just end things because he has sweet travel plans. Trax shrugs and goes for a cover...


BUT CALYPSO ROLLS HIM UP INSTEAD!!!!





1!









2!








TRAX KICKS OUT!!!!


Trax is really mad now, and he yanks off Calypso's vest, then rips off his cardigan, and finally rips off his Ren and Stimpy tee shirt from 1993! Now he's laid bare and his uncooked chicken skin is taking a hell of a whipping from the canvas belt with a ludicrously large pair of dice as a buckle, rolled as a SNAKE EYES of course! Trax must have pulled that off of Calypso as well!

Calypso skitters out of the ring and runs towards the concession stand, but Trax is right on his heels!

Calypso throws a foil wrapped hot dog!

Ducked!

He throws six individual serving sized bags of fire hot Cheetos!

Blocked!

Calypso rolls three diet Sprites on the floor in front of Trax, shaking up a fourth...

Trax dodges all of the rolling cans, but then looks up and catches A SHAKEN UP AND NEWLY OPENED DIET SPRITE RIGHT TO THE KISSER!


Trax is blinded! And then Calypso grabs the JVC Kaboom-box that they use at house shows to play wrestlers' entrance theme music, and slams it into Trax's skull! Trax is dropped, and the tape deck open up, spilling out a home made bootleg of Bell Biv Devoe's second album Hootie Mack! THAT'S NOT EVEN THE ONE WITH POISON ON IT!

Calypso pockets the tape, mystically.

Calypso sees his moment to shine, and he looks down at the fallen Trax and up at the crowd who are all furiously ignoring him and tweeting about other things. He climbs a light rig, getting halfway up before Trax even begins to stir. Those radios are heavy!

Calypso crosses his chest and says a prayer.

Then he dives off the rig!

Calypso falls straight down, and barely gets his hands together in some semblance of an ax handle just as Trax nips up...





TRAP SILENCER TO THE FLYING CALYPSO!!!!



HE HIT HIM SO HARD HIS FEDORA CAME OFF!!!!







AND THERE'S A SECOND FEDORA UNDERNEATH IT, BUT THIS ONE HAS A FEATHER!!!!!!!












TRAP SILENCER AGAIN, AND THE SECOND FEDORA GOES FLYING!!!!!







CALYPSO HITS THE CONCRETE FLOOR AND TRAX HOOKS A LEG!





1!


















2!






























3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




SWEET JESUS IT'S MERCIFULLY OVER!!!!

Winner by Size 13 'Brons - Trax

Trax rolls Calypso's sleeping body over and then ducks down and takes off his Kanyes! He pulls out all the extra socks Calypso stuffed in there to make them fit and tosses them into the crowd before vanishing backstage with his new kicks!





WHAT A SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!